I am not doing well healthwise. I have spent nearly every minute of every day in bed for the past month or more. There are days when I don't even see the kitchen or living room.
I wake up every morning and spend the day feeling like I have the flu. It's just bed and bathroom, and the only energy I have is to bundle up and go to the forest or waterfront at night.
My daughter unloads the dishwasher, and I load it, unless I'm feeling too weak. I try to make breakfast every morning, but sometimes I can't. And when I do, it's often one of the only times I'm out of bed, as it fatigues me.
I spend almost every moment with blankets on, staring at a screen or working with yarn.
People around me are all having troubles. Deep ones. And some of them frighten me. There is a war in a place where I know people. I am threatened with injury by someone who should be next in line of familial primogeniture.
And I've not been myself. Trying to hide the illness. Pushing my loved ones away with both clinginess and emotional distance. I think that I am clingy because I'm scared of losing them. But the emotional distance would be my natural state, if I wasn't so lonesome and afraid.
I just want everyone to know they are loved, and to like me. I am less than. I have almost no life, except the stories others tell, and my lonely journeys to find solace in whatever nature I can. But there is something "off" about me, so my loved ones hold me at a distance.
And at the end of the day, I finally have energy after resting all night and day to sometimes go out and truly be able to sense the sky and air, and feel my emotions. It's overwhelming. I feel so much. Like exposed nerves pulled with tweezers. I can finally cry.
I'm not dying or anything. But I am very unwell. I dare not say here.
I did physical therapy today, and I worked really hard. But most of my exercises today were scaled way back from what I was doing a short time before. Mostly lying down exercises. But I did do some standing and sitting. I became very fatigued though.
Yesterday I was supposed to take care of my father, but actually what happened was I got there, we watched tv and ate cookies. I really wasn't feeling well. And then next thing I know, I'm waking up because the taxi driver had pulled up. My dad (who has dementia) had taken a walk on his own. I looked down. My feet had been brought up to the couch, I was lying on a pillow, and there was a fleece blanket over me. My dad was so kind. But it was dangerous to have him walking out and around. I had to wait to get into the cab until he had gotten back. I only had crutches, so I couldn't walk the half mile that I needed to reach him. We spoke on the phone until I knew he was home. Then I could leave.
Today I was going to make a simple chicken salad, and in my weakness, I knocked over a bunch of things. So we're going out for burgers. I'm mustering up strength, pretending to be more energetic than I am. My daughter is 19, but I'm taking her trick or treating, for sort of a lost childhood thing. My daughter is all dressed cute as a woman from Star Trek TOS. I'm kinda not feeling it, so I'm just going to wear a kitty ear headband and maybe makeup, and regular clothes.
Anyway, there's been so much going on, and I'm broken, and lonesome, and trying to hide so much, while trying to be the best I can for others, but I keep screwing up and alienating everyone.
What would you do?
I wake up every morning and spend the day feeling like I have the flu. It's just bed and bathroom, and the only energy I have is to bundle up and go to the forest or waterfront at night.
My daughter unloads the dishwasher, and I load it, unless I'm feeling too weak. I try to make breakfast every morning, but sometimes I can't. And when I do, it's often one of the only times I'm out of bed, as it fatigues me.
I spend almost every moment with blankets on, staring at a screen or working with yarn.
People around me are all having troubles. Deep ones. And some of them frighten me. There is a war in a place where I know people. I am threatened with injury by someone who should be next in line of familial primogeniture.
And I've not been myself. Trying to hide the illness. Pushing my loved ones away with both clinginess and emotional distance. I think that I am clingy because I'm scared of losing them. But the emotional distance would be my natural state, if I wasn't so lonesome and afraid.
I just want everyone to know they are loved, and to like me. I am less than. I have almost no life, except the stories others tell, and my lonely journeys to find solace in whatever nature I can. But there is something "off" about me, so my loved ones hold me at a distance.
And at the end of the day, I finally have energy after resting all night and day to sometimes go out and truly be able to sense the sky and air, and feel my emotions. It's overwhelming. I feel so much. Like exposed nerves pulled with tweezers. I can finally cry.
I'm not dying or anything. But I am very unwell. I dare not say here.
I did physical therapy today, and I worked really hard. But most of my exercises today were scaled way back from what I was doing a short time before. Mostly lying down exercises. But I did do some standing and sitting. I became very fatigued though.
Yesterday I was supposed to take care of my father, but actually what happened was I got there, we watched tv and ate cookies. I really wasn't feeling well. And then next thing I know, I'm waking up because the taxi driver had pulled up. My dad (who has dementia) had taken a walk on his own. I looked down. My feet had been brought up to the couch, I was lying on a pillow, and there was a fleece blanket over me. My dad was so kind. But it was dangerous to have him walking out and around. I had to wait to get into the cab until he had gotten back. I only had crutches, so I couldn't walk the half mile that I needed to reach him. We spoke on the phone until I knew he was home. Then I could leave.
Today I was going to make a simple chicken salad, and in my weakness, I knocked over a bunch of things. So we're going out for burgers. I'm mustering up strength, pretending to be more energetic than I am. My daughter is 19, but I'm taking her trick or treating, for sort of a lost childhood thing. My daughter is all dressed cute as a woman from Star Trek TOS. I'm kinda not feeling it, so I'm just going to wear a kitty ear headband and maybe makeup, and regular clothes.
Anyway, there's been so much going on, and I'm broken, and lonesome, and trying to hide so much, while trying to be the best I can for others, but I keep screwing up and alienating everyone.
What would you do?
