Conflict between Mother and Sister in Public - Not sure how to resolve

[Frostee]

When I go out in public with my mother and sister, not always, but we do often have conflict. I don't quite know why we have conflict, but often it is over something that is trivial, for example, where to go for food. Usually, my mother says something that I don't like, and then my sister gets involved and the whole thing escalates.

Here are my issues:
- My mother tells me not to curse. I don't like this.
- My mother tells me not to talk loudly or rant in public, I don't like this either. This is my way of coping in stressful/uncomfortable situations.
- I don't appreciate my sister getting involved in arguments between my mother and me. She tries to tell me what to do, and to me, this is patronising coming from someone two years younger than me.
- Mother and sister rile me up, then start saying 'look at you, you're making a scene' and then people start looking over at me. This is mortifying.
- I cannot cope with stressful situations in public.

This just happened today. We had all agreed to go out for my Sister's birthday. We walked up to the bus stop, the bus drove off whilst we were walking up to it, I said for 'oh for (expletive) sake', my mother 'Don't curse or I'm leaving', me 'No, I'll curse if I want'. My sister then got involved started shouting at me, mother started giving me dirty looks - then people started staring at me and smirking. This continued on until my mother told me to leave.

This has really annoyed me because I was looking forward to this! But I sort of feel like they didn't want me to go at all, hence not being bothered about leaving. The worst thing about it all is my sister's involvement. I just do not know what to do when they're both standing there verbally attacking me, other than to storm off or escalate further.

In these situations, I don't always know who is in the right. Hence my defensive behavior; in particular when people are ganging up on me.

I'd like to find a way to resolve this if at all possible.

 

[Catana]

Maybe you need to be a little less concerned about what you like or dislike and think about the effect of your behavior on other people. If you can't help cursing or being loud, that's one thing. If it's something you're deliberately choosing, then you're acting like a jerk. You complain that the conflicts are between your mother and sister, but you are the one escalating the situation. In fact, in this particular example, you're the one starting the whole thing. Bite your tongue, count to ten, do whatever it takes to act like an adult.

 

[Frostee]

Ok, thank you. What about my sister's involvement? I wouldn't react so badly if she kept out. I don't like someone younger than me telling me what to do.

 

[WildCat]

...This just happened today. We had all agreed to go out for my Sister's birthday. We walked up to the bus stop, the bus drove off whilst we were walking up to it, I said for 'oh for (expletive) sake', my mother 'Don't curse or I'm leaving', me 'No, I'll curse if I want'. My sister then got involved started shouting at me, mother started giving me dirty looks - then people started staring at me and smirking. This continued on until my mother told me to leave...

There's your problem. Stop backtalking to your parents, ignore the little sis, learn to manage your temper and you've got resolution.

 

[Judge]

If your parents are still paying for an expensive education and still providing you room and board at home, at the very least you should respect your mother's sense of values in such things- even when you don't yourself. After all, they are doing some very nice things for you, so why not do something for them in return? Think of it in terms of common courtesy. "Quid pro quo".

In your immediate future, there's no telling how many people in your life may have some real leverage over you. Older, younger, dumber or smarter. Whatever. Where a slip of your tongue might just cost you a great deal regardless of how unfair it may seem to you personally. That's just life in the adult world.

As for your sister, younger siblings can be real brats at times. It happens. So practice a little "mind over matter". You shouldn't mind what she says, because her opinion really doesn't matter.

 

[Catana]

Have to agree with WildCat. Refusing to listen to someone else because they're younger than you is ridiculous. Aside from that, since you started it, you're reacting to how you assume your sister will respond. Acting like an adult means not shooting off your mouth like a loaded gun with a too-sensitive trigger. What it all comes down to is that you want to be able to say or do what you want, when you want, without taking anyone else into consideration. You're starting the conflict, escalating it, and then blaming the others as if it's all their fault.

 

[WildCat]

...As for your sister, younger siblings can be real brats at times. It happens. So practice a little "mind over matter". You shouldn't mind what she says, because her opinion really doesn't matter.

Oh yeah, definitely this. My younger sister was pretty challenging, par for the course since that's what kids do to test limits and such. I did it too in my own way, and it backfired HARD.

OP's mother seems more lenient, just a stray guess there and that could be wrong - my mother on the other hand, a loose cannon who can fire back with bigger force. Heh...boy did I have my moments growing up. It fared badly every time

For the OP: adulting's not easy, I know this all too well, but it's necessary if you want to thrive in this world. Practice now and you'll be prepared later.

 

[Tom]

No matter how you cut it, cursing is vulgar. If your Mom doesn't like it, the thing to do is not curse around her. She gave birth to and raised you for 22 years. This gives her the right to some respect.

No ranting or making a scene in public is just common sense. It does nothing but embarrass those with you.

So these are negative behaviors. Improving them should improve the situation.

Harder to say exactly what is going on with your sister but on the surface I can't fault her for backing up your Mom. But hopefully, if you improve the relationship with Mom, an improved situation with your sister will follow.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

it's called immaturity.

Been there. Took to long to get over it.

With the advice above and the fact of you actively asking for it.

You're in a better position than I was.

There is some difficulty in -

1. accepting the words of others
2. Developing habits to put them into practice.

Only two points to work on, is just about the best you can get.

 

[Mary Anne]

When I go out in public with my mother and sister, not always, but we do often have conflict. I don't quite know why we have conflict, but often it is over something that is trivial, for example, where to go for food. Usually, my mother says something that I don't like, and then my sister gets involved and the whole thing escalates.

Here are my issues:
- My mother tells me not to curse. I don't like this.
- My mother tells me not to talk loudly or rant in public, I don't like this either. This is my way of coping in stressful/uncomfortable situations.
- I don't appreciate my sister getting involved in arguments between my mother and me. She tries to tell me what to do, and to me, this is patronising coming from someone two years younger than me.
- Mother and sister rile me up, then start saying 'look at you, you're making a scene' and then people start looking over at me. This is mortifying.
- I cannot cope with stressful situations in public.

This just happened today. We had all agreed to go out for my Sister's birthday. We walked up to the bus stop, the bus drove off whilst we were walking up to it, I said for 'oh for (expletive) sake', my mother 'Don't curse or I'm leaving', me 'No, I'll curse if I want'. My sister then got involved started shouting at me, mother started giving me dirty looks - then people started staring at me and smirking. This continued on until my mother told me to leave.

This has really annoyed me because I was looking forward to this! But I sort of feel like they didn't want me to go at all, hence not being bothered about leaving. The worst thing about it all is my sister's involvement. I just do not know what to do when they're both standing there verbally attacking me, other than to storm off or escalate further.

In these situations, I don't always know who is in the right. Hence my defensive behavior; in particular when people are ganging up on me.

I'd like to find a way to resolve this if at all possible.

Quit blaming others for situations that are your doing.
You are also being aggressive and antagonist to your mother and sister. You get hostile and fan the flames (a figure of speech- you are pouring gasoline on a fire and creating even more problems). If you are that uncomfortable do not go in places/ situations that upset you. Do not go with people whom you do not get along. Easy solution.

You are an adult! You mother wants you to grow up, act respectable in public, and get along with others as a mature adult. You might well know now that we all have to take orders and listen to people that we might not like, or who are younger than us. Get used to it. If YOU were not acting like such a brat in public, Your little sister would not have anything to harp on you about. Easy solution.

 

[ksheehan88]

All the above.

 

[aspieoutlaw89]

When I go out in public with my mother and sister, not always, but we do often have conflict. I don't quite know why we have conflict, but often it is over something that is trivial, for example, where to go for food. Usually, my mother says something that I don't like, and then my sister gets involved and the whole thing escalates.

Here are my issues:
- My mother tells me not to curse. I don't like this.
- My mother tells me not to talk loudly or rant in public, I don't like this either. This is my way of coping in stressful/uncomfortable situations.
- I don't appreciate my sister getting involved in arguments between my mother and me. She tries to tell me what to do, and to me, this is patronising coming from someone two years younger than me.
- Mother and sister rile me up, then start saying 'look at you, you're making a scene' and then people start looking over at me. This is mortifying.
- I cannot cope with stressful situations in public.

This just happened today. We had all agreed to go out for my Sister's birthday. We walked up to the bus stop, the bus drove off whilst we were walking up to it, I said for 'oh for (expletive) sake', my mother 'Don't curse or I'm leaving', me 'No, I'll curse if I want'. My sister then got involved started shouting at me, mother started giving me dirty looks - then people started staring at me and smirking. This continued on until my mother told me to leave.

This has really annoyed me because I was looking forward to this! But I sort of feel like they didn't want me to go at all, hence not being bothered about leaving. The worst thing about it all is my sister's involvement. I just do not know what to do when they're both standing there verbally attacking me, other than to storm off or escalate further.

In these situations, I don't always know who is in the right. Hence my defensive behavior; in particular when people are ganging up on me.

I'd like to find a way to resolve this if at all possible.

from one aspie to another,i know exactly how that feels,because my mother does the same thing to me.
she pressures me to look normal (not stand up straight),mocks me standing up straight,mimicking what i say when i get nervous & rushes me to pay attention to things that i may not be quick enough for,up to the point where i say something stupid (my way of handling my frustrations effectively with her),up to the point where i lash out.

 

[VJCJ0628]

I agree with others you are in the wrong especially cursing when your Mom does not like it, You def need to work on this

However, I will say I do understand when I am in the wrong sometimes things can spiral so fast before I can control it and after a certain point all I can do to avoid is to get away

I am learning these skills late in life better to learn them now