Confrontation and Debate

[Sportster]

In other posts I have been lamenting about the recent difficulties I experienced at work. One thing about that is my reaction to the confrontation I had with my supervisor. The word alone even sounds bad.

Anyway, I have never handled confrontations well; the same goes for any type of debate. It’s hard to explain what happens, but my brain freezes, I go into a fog, and nothing makes any sense. It’s like being awaken from a deep sleep and those first few moments of incoherence lasts for maybe a few hours. I become totally confused and cannot seem to comprehend what is happening or being said. It has been like that my entire.

When my supervisor started to throw accusations at me last week, I could tell I was “entering the fog.” Physically, I get flushed and feel as though my body temp rises a few degrees. My brain ceases to work, as I cannot grasp a single thought. At that point the only thing I can do is keep from going into a total rage and doing something stupid; that was a HUGE problem when I was young and had little self-control.

So, does anyone else have a similar problem or can you deal with confrontation without problems? I know some Aspies can debate without difficulties, but what about confrontations as I’ve mentioned? Please feel free to share your experiences.

 

[KyRN]

I have the same problem! As soon as I hear, "can you come into my office," my mind freezes with anxiety and I start feeling hot and panicked. Sometimes I can barely speak; and if I do my voice sounds weird bc my mouth is dry and I can't keep from speaking too fast.
I've learned to deal with it; my advice is to try and buy yourself time to compose yourself. Go to the bathroom, make up an excuse to leave the room. Take deep breaths and when your being confronted by a supervisor remember that you can't lose your temper! Just repeat his/her words back to them, like, "so you feel I'm not..." Or, "you seem really upset with me.." Let them vent. Then say, "I'll think about what you said and get back with you." Don't give a real response, bc you could accidentally tell on yourself or say something you shouldn't.
That's my advice; it usually works for me, even if I come off as a little weird or that I have anxiety. Good luck!

 

[shinkansen]

I have the same problem! As soon as I hear, "can you come into my office," my mind freezes with anxiety!

It's a horrible feeling, isn't it ? Diary invites sent by my manager to attend meeting sets off the all-consuming anxiety within me.

CBT has me helped with work-place confrontation. Your advice about including "I'll think about..." or repeat back what's been said is good ! I sometimes I use it. As well turning possible conflict into debate. I'll say "what's your thinking on..."

 

[clg114]

In other posts I have been lamenting about the recent difficulties I experienced at work. One thing about that is my reaction to the confrontation I had with my supervisor. The word alone even sounds bad.

Anyway, I have never handled confrontations well; the same goes for any type of debate. It’s hard to explain what happens, but my brain freezes, I go into a fog, and nothing makes any sense. It’s like being awaken from a deep sleep and those first few moments of incoherence lasts for maybe a few hours. I become totally confused and cannot seem to comprehend what is happening or being said. It has been like that my entire.

When my supervisor started to throw accusations at me last week, I could tell I was “entering the fog.” Physically, I get flushed and feel as though my body temp rises a few degrees. My brain ceases to work, as I cannot grasp a single thought. At that point the only thing I can do is keep from going into a total rage and doing something stupid; that was a HUGE problem when I was young and had little self-control.

So, does anyone else have a similar problem or can you deal with confrontation without problems? I know some Aspies can debate without difficulties, but what about confrontations as I’ve mentioned? Please feel free to share your experiences.

I have always had a aversion to confrontation. It seems to have gotten better as I have gotten older, but it is still there.

 

[David Larson]

I know the feeling. Now, this is just my opinion from self-reflection, but I think the cause of this effect is how the dynamics of debate and such interact with our disorder.

Us-all-people are able navigate life and conversations to different degrees of success due to the fact that most conversations are pretty predictable, i.e. it's usually obvious what you're "supposed" to say next, or there's no specific answer, or there's no wrong answer as long as it's the right type of answer. The difference with debate (or having accusations thrown at you in your case) is that the whole point of it is to be hard to respond to - in addition to the creation of a huge amount of pressure to come up with the "right" answer - ideally leaving the debatee speechless and the aggressor as the "winner".

What's happening on the neuro-biological level is that the information being thrown at you (often in an aggressive way) fails to be processed by the prefrontal cortext of the brain (responsible for regulating complex cognitive behavior, among other things) and instead hits and is processed by the amygdala, which is responsible for the flight-or-fight response. As a result, you have an adrenaline surge which further obscures any ability to process information rationally and leaves you in the state we're talking about.

That's all well and good, but even better is the question: what do you do about it? Nowadays, I'm a master-debater - but I used to get that sort of "rage fog" response all the time, most especially when I was younger. I wish I could give you specific advice on how to "fix" it based on personal experience, but it just sort of happened with me after enough experience with controlling that snap-reaction and thinking of something smart to say instead, to put that authority figure in their place.

Something that might help is teaching yourself to detach from reality at will. That particular skill has been helping me since the third grade. What I'm talking about is the ability to completely refocus your conscious attention on something far away and abstract, removing yourself consciously from the situation. It's sort of an advanced form of "not listening". You don't always have to play their ball game, after all. Screw them.

 

[Suzanne]

Yes, I do exactly the same thing. I really go into surreal mode and especially when something is said that is outrageous.

Unfortunately although I hate confrontations, I can't seem to stop myself getting into them, which only leaves me upset, because of being a peaceful person.

 

[karen70]

That disappearing off has been the norm for me from a young child. Its like a built in defence for me, I just shut down and can't shake it off. Having said this it can happen at crucial times where I need to focus and has been used against me big time, in that I've wrongly been accused of being arrogant, ignorant and cold hearted. So far from the truth its unreal.

 

[Suzanne]

Surreal mode; that's an excellent way to describe it. I also keep finding myself in some sort of confrontation that always leaves me upset. In fact, I get physically ill from any confrontation. Depending on severe it is will determine how long I'm "messed up."



I think being wrongly accused is a common thing for Aspies. Somewhere a couple years ago I started a thread about that. It seems there is something about our character that screams, "Hey, falsely accuse me."

Thank you so much Sportstar for that encouragement. As for the wrongly accused, I think it is related to us feeling the need to be honest, even if it can get us in trouble. I am working on that, because it makes me sick too and as you say: depending on how bad the confrontation is, I can get so upset that my world comes crashing down on me.

I admit, that I feel less lonely on aspiecentral!

 

[midlife aspie]

Its the classic 'fight or flight' instinct. I tend to shutdown too. It does not help my wife and I resolve our issues.