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Confused and scared

A

AspieChris

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Hello all,

50 years old. Self-diagnosed with Asperger’s at 35. I’m married 20 years and have children. Good job for 30+ years. I got so good at hiding my ‘difficulties’ that I don’t know what parts are actually me, and what parts of me are really just the costume I wear to fit into society. I’m really good at fitting in, and there’s always alcohol for the harder times.

I haven’t figured out if my wife is a saint or a lunatic, but she has helped me every day since we met (I’m leaning towards Saint). But I’m exhausted. The costume gets heavier every day and I wish I could just take it off sometimes and relax. I’m finally understanding that I’m not ‘strange’ or ‘bad’…. just not like most people. Metaphorically, I want to take off all of the layers of makeup and run around in my underwear. I finally feel like I can be myself because I know now that I’m on the spectrum (instead of just feeling scared and confused all day), but I don’t even know who I am. And that makes me scared, confused, and completely exhausted.
 
Welcome aboard. You must have done all right with everything so far to be here--This is a journey that Dear Wife would need to be a part of too; get her on board with this and make sure she knows how much you appreciate her aid & company thus far. Good job for you & her and all the kids.

That sense of not knowing who you are, of being burned out, is quite common among autistic people. Good? No, it's never good--but it is helpful to know where you're starting out at. Frequently the masking causes us to develop a fake self that is more socially acceptable than our real self. Then it becomes strange to actually be your own self.
This is a great place to work on all this. I've been here since 2020ish. Welcome to the Autism Forums.
 
Guess l get what you are saying. It can feel intimidating to find what and who you are after the day is over. I try to feel that l am constantly evolving to be a better version of my authentic self. I may change here and there however my core components are there. I also think we get better at identifying what we don't like, and what we don't tolerate. Can you find these types of things to celebrate about your self? Are you at a standstill in your life right now? What roadblock have you hit?
 
People who drink alcohol are no better than the things it makes you do. I learned that the hard way, and I didn't even ask to.
 
Welcome! I think for many of us, trying to find and be our authentic selves is a lifelong process. But that just means we have something to continually work on and strive for. :-)
 
Hello and welcome. Your story mirrors many of ours. I think this can be a place where you start to release the mask and learn to embrace and trust what is underneath. Glad you found us.
 
Welcome aboard.
Take off the costume. You can be yourself here.
Costumes are heavy and tiring.
Several of us here are naturalists anyway.
welcomeboard.jpg
:bearface:
 
AspieChris said:
Hello all,

50 years old. Self-diagnosed with Asperger’s at 35. I’m married 20 years and have children. Good job for 30+ years. I got so good at hiding my ‘difficulties’ that I don’t know what parts are actually me, and what parts of me are really just the costume I wear to fit into society. I’m really good at fitting in, and there’s always alcohol for the harder times.

I haven’t figured out if my wife is a saint or a lunatic, but she has helped me every day since we met (I’m leaning towards Saint). But I’m exhausted. The costume gets heavier every day and I wish I could just take it off sometimes and relax. I’m finally understanding that I’m not ‘strange’ or ‘bad’…. just not like most people. Metaphorically, I want to take off all of the layers of makeup and run around in my underwear. I finally feel like I can be myself because I know now that I’m on the spectrum (instead of just feeling scared and confused all day), but I don’t even know who I am. And that makes me scared, confused, and completely exhausted.
Click to expand...
I was diagnosed at 55 and completely disrobed. :) I dropped the entire costume. I still get exhausted but not like I have in the past. When I realised that I may have Autism, I think that was the most exhausting part. I started obsessing over 'what if' scenarios in my head. That's when I had to decide about getting a diagnosis, because I couldn't just let it go. Now, I have quietly accepted it and trying to understand it. :) For me, it was not knowing that was the most exhausting.

Maybe you should consider this an opportunity for complete self-discovery instead of a blanket of fear?
 
AspieChris said:
Hello all,

50 years old. Self-diagnosed with Asperger’s at 35. I’m married 20 years and have children. Good job for 30+ years. I got so good at hiding my ‘difficulties’ that I don’t know what parts are actually me, and what parts of me are really just the costume I wear to fit into society. I’m really good at fitting in, and there’s always alcohol for the harder times.

I haven’t figured out if my wife is a saint or a lunatic, but she has helped me every day since we met (I’m leaning towards Saint). But I’m exhausted. The costume gets heavier every day and I wish I could just take it off sometimes and relax. I’m finally understanding that I’m not ‘strange’ or ‘bad’…. just not like most people. Metaphorically, I want to take off all of the layers of makeup and run around in my underwear. I finally feel like I can be myself because I know now that I’m on the spectrum (instead of just feeling scared and confused all day), but I don’t even know who I am. And that makes me scared, confused, and completely exhausted.
Click to expand...
I am 57. I get what you are saying. Agree. I can't say that I am scared, definitely not, but confused somedays, for sure, and exhausted, frequently. I too am a father and a husband, have a long-standing career, and often bury myself in work to keep myself from letting my mind wander. Like a lot of us, I can get real introspective and then find myself questioning a lot of things, that frankly, in the greater perspective, probably is of little consequence in my life. Sure, I am a "work in progress", always trying to improve myself, being self-aware, changing my thought patterns when I can. However, it would seem, from some of the posts on this forum, some of us are beating themselves up over things they really can't control, which is not only useless, but can be self-destructive.

From the time I was about 50, I have been making plans for retirement, adjusting investments, spending habits, paying off debts, designing our next home, when to do those last renovations before selling our existing home, etc. Depending upon how my investments do over the next few years will determine when I will retire. I just want to get away from the busy lifestyle, get out to the country and grow things.
 
Aspychata said:
Guess l get what you are saying. It can feel intimidating to find what and who you are after the day is over. I try to feel that l am constantly evolving to be a better version of my authentic self. I may change here and there however my core components are there. I also think we get better at identifying what we don't like, and what we don't tolerate. Can you find these types of things to celebrate about your self? Are you at a standstill in your life right now? What roadblock have you hit?
Click to expand...
I guess the biggest roadblock is this for example:

I’m really good at my job. For years I knew I excelled at the technical and mechanical parts of it but I always struggled with the social aspects of working for world-wide corporation (ignorant management, fellow employees who bring their anger from home and spread it at work, pointless deadlines, endless e-mails, etc). I believed I could figure it all out if I found the right fit, like working for the right manager and avoiding responsibilities that are too difficult. But the understanding now that there is no ‘perfect’ boss and that I will always have to deal with people I can’t understand….. Asperger’s means I will always struggle hopelessly with these things as long as I work there. The simple solution is to change careers right?

I’m the sole breadwinner in my home. It’s a simple and small house in a quiet but very expensive neighborhood. The job provides a great paycheck, medical benefits, and a pension that we will need one day. Changing careers means walking away from my pension, medical benefits we won’t be able to afford, and ultimately moving out of our house.

That scenario is not a figment of my imagination. My wife agrees that we would have to move. This is simply not an acceptable outcome for me. So I stay at a job that I love, but is also slowly killing me. I have discussed this with a couple of people at work who I trust and everyone agrees that I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. Meanwhile, my wife and son (he’s an Aspie same as me) need me to be present when I get home but I’m so fried that I struggle to be polite. It takes several hours for me to decompress but I just feel like a jerk for spending all I have at work and leaving nothing for them, so I struggle at home to keep up the facade. Now I’m really burned out and I can’t sleep. Then the cycle starts over tomorrow.

It’s only one example. I have inconsiderate neighbors, traffic, income taxes, etc. I tried therapy a few times but it only leads to new stress. I have tried various medications but they all have unwanted side effects or lead to addiction. I can’t exactly justify walking away from the vow I made ‘Til death do us part’ and go live in the woods alone. So I really am stuck here, between a rock and a hard place.

The roadblocks are absolutely everywhere.
 
UberScout said:
People who drink alcohol are no better than the things it makes you do. I learned that the hard way, and I didn't even ask to.
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Alcohol is a slippery slope for sure. I’m sorry to hear that you ended up on the wrong side. I have watched plenty of people ruin their lives by crawling into a bottle every day. I have also known a few very old people who claim the secret to their longevity has always been having a beer or glass of wine every night. I’m not sure where I fall between those two but I’m definitely conscious of the dangers of over-consumption.
 
That is a huge roadblock. Some of is here have asked for accommodation at work. I understand that maybe unrealistic for you. My longtime friends who both have very stressful jobs, one hits the gym and swims before going to work. The other hits the gym after work. I run, to help with my stress of dealing with the social aspects daily. Is there any sport that you really enjoy? You may need to discuss with your wife, a different life change, besides burning out. But l hope opening up here is releasing some of this hardship. Ultimately the *fix* lies with you. What things have you considered? Do you wish to brainstorm? This forum is very supportive, and quite perceptive. Others may offer advice that you hadn't considered.
 
Aspychata said:
That is a huge roadblock. Some of is here have asked for accommodation at work. I understand that maybe unrealistic for you. My longtime friends who both have very stressful jobs, one hits the gym and swims before going to work. The other hits the gym after work. I run, to help with my stress of dealing with the social aspects daily. Is there any sport that you really enjoy? You may need to discuss with your wife, a different life change, besides burning out. But l hope opening up here is releasing some of this hardship. Ultimately the *fix* lies with you. What things have you considered? Do you wish to brainstorm? This forum is very supportive, and quite perceptive. Others may offer advice that you hadn't considered.
Click to expand...
I remember exercising when I was younger was peaceful (usually). But I got hurt at work a few years ago and got 20 screws in my spine. My job requires some heavy lifting, so I can’t even consider adding any time at the gym or I might overextend myself. And because of that injury, walking for more than a few minutes at a time is very painful. So any form of exercise is basically out of the question.

What I have found recently that helps a lot is a bunch of manufacturing videos on YouTube. Very poor people in Pakistan making everything from car parts to kitchen utensils with almost no tools. There’s no music playing and they’re speaking a language I can’t understand. No commercials, no narrator, no words on the screen. Just men doing their work. It’s crazy but it brings me peace. The only problem is that I feel like a loser if I have other chores needing done and I’m deciding to lay in bed watching Tv.

I’m struggling right now with feeling selfish. I need to decompress but that means avoiding social situations (even on tv shows). Between my job and traffic, I’m completely spent by the time I get home from work. My wife works her behind off at home but mine is the only paycheck. Paying someone to make repairs around the house is too expensive (plus I don’t trust anyone to do it right), so I’m the: mechanic, plumber, electrician, carpenter, exterminator, accountant, etc etc etc. If I make time for myself…. the car stops running, the toilet stops flushing, the taxes don’t get filed, etc.

It’s the ultimate Catch 22: If I make time to relax so that I can be a better husband and father, our life starts to fall apart very quickly. And if I do manage to keep up with my responsibilities, I’m too scrambled to be a good partner or father. Did I mention that we homeschool? It’s just a lot to handle. In my opinion, she’s already working harder than I am and I can’t relax knowing that it means more responsibilities for her.

I have found some solutions in the past few years. For example: I absolutely hate going to parties. Christmas, birthdays, doesn’t matter. I hate them so much that I have been asking the whole family to please stop buying me presents for about 15 years now. My wife loves family gatherings, but neither of us want to do things ‘separately’. My solution is that I drive her to the party, drive back home and relax, and go back to pick her up (regardless of the distance or the time of night). If I’m up to it, I’ll go say hello to everyone at the party but I won’t usually stay. This actually works for us. We spend the time together but I avoid most of the stress. I guess I just need more of these types of adjustments but I can’t seem to figure out any other solutions.
 
It’s a bit ironic. It’s an Asperger’s forum with constantly changing advertisements while I’m typing an reading. Feels like it’s going to give me a seizure. Anyone know if I can stop the ‘Google Ads’ on my iPhone when I’m on this site?
 
AspieChris said:
It’s a bit ironic. It’s an Asperger’s forum with constantly changing advertisements while I’m typing an reading. Feels like it’s going to give me a seizure. Anyone know if I can stop the ‘Google Ads’ on my iPhone when I’m on this site?
Click to expand...

I'm terrible with adblock stuff, but some other members know more about it. You can get a lifetime VIP membership for 10$ which removes all ads.
 
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