Confused by boyfriend. I think he's possibly aspergers. Help!

[Lilybell]

Hi there,

I'm new here and looking for a little advice. I started dating a man four months ago. He very quickly told me he was unemotional, yet I didn't really see that. In the beginning he would call me then say he's calling me too much. He very quickly said things like what if I fall in love with you and I could fall in love with you. He's very affectionate with cuddles but doesn't really kiss. He is very literal and has some odd habits. He buys things in excess. He currently has 14 toothbrushes. He said he likes them and he might not be able to get them so stocks up. He does this with other things.

One night we were watching tv and he just got up and went to bed. He didn't say anything. I carried on watching tv and around twenty minutes later he said aren't you coming to bed?

He doesn't seem to have a filter and says inappropriate things which are embarrassing but he doesn't seem phased by it.

My confusion at the minute is, he calls me everyday a few times and texts a lot. We see each other every other day mostly, but his daughter who is six has ended up in hospital whilst abroad with pneumonia, so understandably he's flown over. He hasn't called me once and it's been four days. I know he will be concerned but it is also unusual for him to not call. Most of the time I can tell he cares a lot about me but other times he seems detached. I sent a text to ask if everything was ok with his daughter two days ago and he did reply but it was very brief. He was meant to be back yesterday and I have his flat key but I've heard nothing. I'm a little confused why he hasn't been in touch. It's not like him.

A few other things I've noticed with him:-

He won't walk on grass
He can't eat fat on meat, even thinking about it makes him gag
He has said he thinks he's weird and different
He once said I'm lonely and I like it
He said he doesn't really have many friends and doesn't want them
He asked me what polite meant
He doesn't know what implying means
He says he can't read facial expressions and sometimes he doesn't understand things people say.

He is very sweet and kind and loves cooking me dinner.

I think it's just difficult that he can be this lovely sweet caring person one minute then detached the next.

Sorry it's so long, I just feel like I'm going mad and wondered if anyone could maybe offer some advice.

Thanks in advance xx

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

The way that you have described him does sound a lot like he may be an aspie. Have you talked to him about this possibility?

In regards to him not contacting you whilst away, I would advise that you not take it personally, and not assume that it means that he no longer cares about you. I can only speak for my own experience, but I behave very similarly. For example, I had two very close friends at univeristy, whom I saw pretty much everyday, and would text frequently when we were not spending time together. However, when we were away on holiday, it never even occured to me to contact them, not because I stopped caring about them, but because my mind switches from 'at university' mode to 'at home' mode. They where now far away from me and as such there is no reason to chat to them. Likewise, I don't really contact my family when I am away from home , despite being very close to my parents. Normally it takes my mum starting her regular emails with "ARE YOU ALIVE" before it occurs to me to reply. I realise that I'm not explaining this well

Anyway, my dad (probably an undiagnosed aspie) is exactly the same. When he goes away with work noone will hear from him until he gets back. Despite this he and my mum have been happily married for 30 years.

The toothbrush thing made me laugh, I have a stash of 20 toothbrushes in the bathroom, I can't stand having to use a different type... it hadn't even occured to me until now that that might be odd

 

[jayk]

Your boyfriend sounds like me alright. I usually don't call people out of the blue. Not because I don't think about them, it is just simply difficult to think up of an interesting topic to keep the conversation going. It felt pointless, awkward, and at times sad because of a weird feeling of emptiness afterward, like getting into a lonely mode. At some point in my life, I even dropped greetings completely to avoid having to chit-chat with people needlessly and get disappointed all the time. My father is exactly the same way. We rarely call each other even though we both know we care a lot about each other and we share many interests.

If you want to have a future with him or at least continue the relationship, please understand that this is who he is. You will have to be blunt and up-front with what you want from him like say you want him to call you at least once every other day when he is away. Regarding the relationship, you may have to be the one to set/define boundary, like how much texting or what kind or how much emotion you want. If you were unhappy with the relationship, he will most likely only sense it but powerless to understand why or even begin the process of fixing it -- talk and explain to him why you are unhappy. If he does not know he might be on the spectrum, you need to get him to understand that he might be and it is a good idea to be aware of it to avoid future misunderstanding between you two.

As someone going through a divorce with an NT, I want to warn you to not go into this relationship thinking it as a walk in a park. He will do things invariably not in accord with what you want or expect. You cannot define him with the stereotypes of a husband/father/man. In fact, if my ex is correct, you will feel like you married a child. He is his own unique man and so very unique because he can't be defined by social norms except maybe that of a undefined child. But it is not because he does not care about you, in fact, it is because he cares too much at time and a lot of normal interaction/responsibilities between couples may confuse/fail him. If it is a fling, let him know that is how you want it and let him decide. If it is deeper, please be gentle. Understand that he will be loving, caring, loyal at the end of the day but he may not always be there emotionally for you, anticipate all your needs and meet the stereotypes defined by our society.

I wish you both well and things work out for the best.

 

[Tom]

I doubt it. Hans Asperger died in 1980.

 

[Lilybell]

The way that you have described him does sound a lot like he may be an aspie. Have you talked to him about this possibility?

In regards to him not contacting you whilst away, I would advise that you not take it personally, and not assume that it means that he no longer cares about you. I can only speak for my own experience, but I behave very similarly. For example, I had two very close friends at univeristy, whom I saw pretty much everyday, and would text frequently when we were not spending time together. However, when we were away on holiday, it never even occured to me to contact them, not because I stopped caring about them, but because my mind switches from 'at university' mode to 'at home' mode. They where now far away from me and as such there is no reason to chat to them. Likewise, I don't really contact my family when I am away from home , despite being very close to my parents. Normally it takes my mum starting her regular emails with "ARE YOU ALIVE" before it occurs to me to reply. I realise that I'm not explaining this well

Anyway, my dad (probably an undiagnosed aspie) is exactly the same. When he goes away with work noone will hear from him until he gets back. Despite this he and my mum have been happily married for 30 years.

The toothbrush thing made me laugh, I have a stash of 20 toothbrushes in the bathroom, I can't stand having to use a different type... it hadn't even occured to me until now that that might be odd

Hey,

Thank you. You are explaining perfectly well. That makes a lot of sense. As when he's here he almost has a routine of calling. He always calls when he finishes work, then again when he's home. And probably again later, if I'm not seeing him. When he goes to London to see his daughter he calls when he gets on the train, when he arrives and when he gets home and then over the weekend. This is why I felt so hurt. He's always calling, so I couldn't understand how he could possibly not and why wasn't he missing talking to me etc.

My nephew has recently been diagnosed and I was talking about it one night and he asked what autism was. After I'd finished he said 'I've got that' I said you didn't know what it was a she said yes but I'm weird aren't I?! We've had a couple of chats. One night at the gym after our workout I said I'm aching, it's because you've pushed me. I turned around to see him standing still thinking. He said 'see when you said that I was trying to think of when I pushed you over. Then he realised what is meant. So I think he does think there's something, so maybe I could try chatting to him a little more and maybe read about it with him. I do find it hard to talk to him sometimes. He has had three long relationships so he can manage a relationship, although they have all left him.

 

[Lilybell]

Your boyfriend sounds like me alright. I usually don't call people out of the blue. Not because I don't think about them, it is just simply difficult to think up of an interesting topic to keep the conversation going. It felt pointless, awkward, and at times sad because of a weird feeling of emptiness afterward, like getting into a lonely mode. At some point in my life, I even dropped greetings completely to avoid having to chit-chat with people needlessly and get disappointed all the time. My father is exactly the same way. We rarely call each other even though we both know we care a lot about each other and we share many interests.

If you want to have a future with him or at least continue the relationship, please understand that this is who he is. You will have to be blunt and up-front with what you want from him like say you want him to call you at least once every other day when he is away. Regarding the relationship, you may have to be the one to set/define boundary, like how much texting or what kind or how much emotion you want. If you were unhappy with the relationship, he will most likely only sense it but powerless to understand why or even begin the process of fixing it -- talk and explain to him why you are unhappy. If he does not know he might be on the spectrum, you need to get him to understand that he might be and it is a good idea to be aware of it to avoid future misunderstanding between you two.

As someone going through a divorce with an NT, I want to warn you to not go into this relationship thinking it as a walk in a park. He will do things invariably not in accord with what you want or expect. You cannot define him with the stereotypes of a husband/father/man. In fact, if my ex is correct, you will feel like you married a child. He is his own unique man and so very unique because he can't be defined by social norms except maybe that of a undefined child. But it is not because he does not care about you, in fact, it is because he cares too much at time and a lot of normal interaction/responsibilities between couples may confuse/fail him. If it is a fling, let him know that is how you want it and let him decide. If it is deeper, please be gentle. Understand that he will be loving, caring, loyal at the end of the day but he may not always be there emotionally for you, anticipate all your needs and meet the stereotypes defined by our society.

I wish you both well and things work out for the best.

Regarding the fling question. I don't see it like that at all. He's such a sweet, caring man and he's wonderful. He cooks for me, takes me to dinner, keeps inserting on paying for me to go on holiday with my friend. He doesn't understand why I feel this is too generous though. In the beginning he asked me to marry him several times. I was a little taken aback as it was very early in our relationship. He would often talk about what if he falls in love with me and I'll think he's falling in love if he keeps calling me so much. He said I was the whole package. I'm not sure if all that was coming from insecurity or they were his feelings. I don't get any of that anymore though. He's definitely a keeper if we can just find a way to work together so we are both happy

 

[jayk]

Regarding the fling question. I don't see it like that at all. He's such a sweet, caring man and he's wonderful. He cooks for me, takes me to dinner, keeps inserting on paying for me to go on holiday with my friend. He doesn't understand why I feel this is too generous though. In the beginning he asked me to marry him several times. I was a little taken aback as it was very early in our relationship. He would often talk about what if he falls in love with me and I'll think he's falling in love if he keeps calling me so much. He said I was the whole package. I'm not sure if all that was coming from insecurity or they were his feelings. I don't get any of that anymore though. He's definitely a keeper if we can just find a way to work together so we are both happy

I was like that with my ex when we met. I am sure my feelings were genuine because I do not take action unless I feel the need to. I am a sloth when it comes to physically interacting with people, it is exhausting, the planning and anxiety involved just overwhelms me. I can relate to the other behaviors as well.

For me, I regard treating ladies as lady as norm because that is what I was taught through media and myth: That is how you show affection. I didn't realize it until later in life that I have a tendency to absorb myth literally especially say if I perceive a behavior to be positive and one that makes the most logical sense -- in the sense of logic of a Disney story. In this idealized world everything works like a clockwork so I expected others to respond accordingly to my behaviors because logic dictates behavior A begets behavior B say. For example, we date lady to get married (A->B). The idea that most people would just date people for fun is not something that appealed to me even though I was never religious. In my younger days, I would date and fall intensely in love that I would scare the other person away -- like calling too often. By the time I met my wife, I learned to slow down myself and let her affection catch up with mine.

When people are in love and are in sync this formula works very well. In reality, it is when the relationship gets stressed and when things stop making sense that emotion wrecks everything. In my case, I would struggle to make sense of what happened and fail because I never truly understood my wife emotionally. Although I would be there for her when she is sad or angry or distressed, I do not have the emotional capacity to say or do the right thing on the spot to make her feel better. On the other hand, she can't be there for me neither because I can't expect her to understand why certain things gives me anxiety or pleasures, or why certain small things bother me so much. Over time my inability to console her, which she misinterpreted as indifference, and her inability to understand my quirks, which I misinterpreted as uncaring, created a giant chasm that split us apart even though we both know we care a lot about each other.

All relationships take work. I just wish we had known about ASD and were able to take steps to prevent our marriage from rotting. I do believe it could have work if both parties understand the limitations of the other person and are able to work around them together preemptively. I wish you both happiness as always.

 

[Lilybell]

I was like that with my ex when we met. I am sure my feelings were genuine because I do not take action unless I feel the need to. I am a sloth when it comes to physically interacting with people, it is exhausting, the planning and anxiety involved just overwhelms me. I can relate to the other behaviors as well.

For me, I regard treating ladies as lady as norm because that is what I was taught through media and myth: That is how you show affection. I didn't realize it until later in life that I have a tendency to absorb myth literally especially say if I perceive a behavior to be positive and one that makes the most logical sense -- in the sense of logic of a Disney story. In this idealized world everything works like a clockwork so I expected others to respond accordingly to my behaviors because logic dictates behavior A begets behavior B say. For example, we date lady to get married (A->B). The idea that most people would just date people for fun is not something that appealed to me even though I was never religious. In my younger days, I would date and fall intensely in love that I would scare the other person away -- like calling too often. By the time I met my wife, I learned to slow down myself and let her affection catch up with mine.

When people are in love and are in sync this formula works very well. In reality, it is when the relationship gets stressed and when things stop making sense that emotion wrecks everything. In my case, I would struggle to make sense of what happened and fail because I never truly understood my wife emotionally. Although I would be there for her when she is sad or angry or distressed, I do not have the emotional capacity to say or do the right thing on the spot to make her feel better. On the other hand, she can't be there for me neither because I can't expect her to understand why certain things gives me anxiety or pleasures, or why certain small things bother me so much. Over time my inability to console her, which she misinterpreted as indifference, and her inability to understand my quirks, which I misinterpreted as uncaring, created a giant chasm that split us apart even though we both know we care a lot about each other.

All relationships take work. I just wish we had known about ASD and were able to take steps to prevent our marriage from rotting. I do believe it could have work if both parties understand the limitations of the other person and are able to work around them together preemptively. I wish you both happiness as always.

Thank you. I'm sorry your marriage broke down. That's very sad. Perhaps one day you will reconcile.

I wish I knew how he felt, instead of having to guess.

He's told me he cares about me very very much. Is that love? I don't know.