Confusing Social Situations

[jack_attack]

Hey awesome people,

I've noticed lately that there are a couple of social situations in which people interpret me as irritated or offended when I really just don't know how to respond. Any chance you guys know how NTs expect one to react in these specific scenarios?

1. When someone makes a joke at your expense and you're not offended but don't find it funny. For example, a few days ago, my band director was telling us how the band would be arranged in the shape of a reindeer for the winter concert, and that I (the bassist) would probably be a toenail. Someone said "fitting" as a joke and I wasn't sure how to respond to that, so I just kind of awkwardly smiled. I knew they were joking, but I didn't laugh because I didn't find it funny. I think they interpreted it as me being offended though, because they quickly apologized and others piped up to reassure me it wasn't true.

2. When someone apologizes for something that isn't their fault. Like if you say you're sick and they say "I'm sorry" or something like that. My go-to social script if someone apologizes for something that is their fault (bumping into me, saying something offensive, etc) is to reassure them it's okay and I forgive them, but what are you supposed to say if they apologize out of sympathy for something that's outside of their control?

Thanks!

 

[Outdated]

2. When someone apologizes for something that isn't their fault. Like if you say you're sick and they say "I'm sorry" or something like that. My go-to social script if someone apologizes for something that is their fault (bumping into me, saying something offensive, etc) is to reassure them it's okay and I forgive them, but what are you supposed to say if they apologize out of sympathy for something that's outside of their control?

This one I can help you with. In actual English English the word "sorry" is not a form of apology except when trying to teach the concept to toddlers. Sorry is simply an expression of sorrow or sadness.

It's used as a polite response when people don't know what else to say and your normal and expected response to that should be to shrug off the sympathy with an expression like "Nah, it's all good.".

 

[Kitsuna]

Although I personally couldn’t tell you how to phrase it, I think in the first scenario they are expecting a comeback, whether you’re offended/find it funny or not. And I think expressed in good-natured way to show you’re not picking a fight.

 

[Shamar]

Hey awesome people,

I've noticed lately that there are a couple of social situations in which people interpret me as irritated or offended when I really just don't know how to respond. Any chance you guys know how NTs expect one to react in these specific scenarios?

1. When someone makes a joke at your expense and you're not offended but don't find it funny. For example, a few days ago, my band director was telling us how the band would be arranged in the shape of a reindeer for the winter concert, and that I (the bassist) would probably be a toenail. Someone said "fitting" as a joke and I wasn't sure how to respond to that, so I just kind of awkwardly smiled. I knew they were joking, but I didn't laugh because I didn't find it funny. I think they interpreted it as me being offended though, because they quickly apologized and others piped up to reassure me it wasn't true.

2. When someone apologizes for something that isn't their fault. Like if you say you're sick and they say "I'm sorry" or something like that. My go-to social script if someone apologizes for something that is their fault (bumping into me, saying something offensive, etc) is to reassure them it's okay and I forgive them, but what are you supposed to say if they apologize out of sympathy for something that's outside of their control?

Thanks!

I may be one of the least qualified here to comment, but I think that in this context, "sorry" is an expression of sympathy. I believe just "Thank You" is sufficient.

I don't know about the first example. In my experience, jokes against me have almost always been malicious and designed to embarrass or humiliate me. If someone makes a joke that is not funny, at my expense or not, I just don't smile. And frequently don't even react.

Having spent my entire life observing NT behavior, I have decided two things. First, I have not been able to figure them out, and probably never will. Second, I have decided I do not want to be like them. After a most of a lifetime of masking, I decided I am much more comfortable being me, and don't care what they think.

 

[Tired]

1. When someone makes a joke at your expense and you're not offended but don't find it funny. For example, a few days ago, my band director was telling us how the band would be arranged in the shape of a reindeer for the winter concert, and that I (the bassist) would probably be a toenail. Someone said "fitting" as a joke and I wasn't sure how to respond to that, so I just kind of awkwardly smiled. I knew they were joking, but I didn't laugh because I didn't find it funny. I think they interpreted it as me being offended though, because they quickly apologized and others piped up to reassure me it wasn't true.

Without seeing your face (to see what kind of smile you actually made) it's hard for me to tell you, what you did wrong. A small smile is just fine, and maybe they found a joke unfunny or cruel after all, so this is why they apologized. Normally you're expected to make some type of a joke back, but I wouldn't do that on a command in a situation like this, because I don't allow people to make a joke at my expense, so people around me don't joke like that about me.
And with another situation I agree with what Outdated wrote.

 

[Misty Avich]

I just laugh when people make a joke about me, even if it is malicious (which isn't usually in adulthood, in my experience). If you look offended or haughty or whatever, people will continue to use you as a target rather than a person to have a laugh with.
As a kid I used to scream and cry if other kids made fun of my name, probably because I hated my name and felt insecure about it. But their intent probably wasn't malicious to begin with, and what I should have done was laugh. But because they saw how upset I kept getting, they turned it into a game to egg me on.
It wasn't until I was a teenager was when I'd learnt to laugh at people's jokes, even if it is about me.

I remember when I was on a field trip one time when I was 11, and a boy in my group kept making fun of me. We were near a graveyard and were going to look around there but then our group leader changed her mind and said we didn't have time - to which the boy said "yeah, Misty might have got scared!" I reacted by yelling at him and getting all upset. But, looking back, his jokes were harmless, and I think he was actually just trying to get my attention, because maybe he liked me or something. So I wish I had of just laughed along with him, then I probably would have made a friend out of him.