Convincing yourself that another person actually likes you

[STR]

Hi everyone -

Aside from my family members and my wife, I have always had a very hard time convincing myself that another person actually likes me. Even when I have had people that would probably count as "friends", I always think that maybe they're only spending time with me to be nice or to humor me or because they think it would awkward to break off our interactions.

In general, I just have a hard time believing that I am likable. Do any of you have this same experience?

 

[DogwoodTree]

Very much so, yes. I still don't have a solution to it. I feel like they like the "mask" that I present to the world, but since they don't really know the real me, there's no way they could possibly like me if they don't know me. And if they were to know what I'm really like inside, that would result in outright rejection, so I don't let people in.

I did try this past year for a while to be more authentic and more the real-me with people. And...that's how I discovered the whole AS thing about myself. As it turns out, I didn't even know myself because I was so good at acting the part. And the more I let myself out of the cage...the more difficult I was to be around. People laughed at me, or avoided me, or patronized me, or got angry at me, or condemned me.

A couple of exceptions...my DH is very loyal to me, to his credit, and I've discovered a couple of people who have enough similar traits/background to mine that they're intrigued by what I've learned in this process.

So I've concluded I can pretend to be a normal person and be treated somewhat normally but never be "known"...or I can be authentic and end up mostly alone anyway, or just tolerated. I'm working with a therapist now to try to figure out which of those routes is more functional in the long run, or if there's another option I haven't considered.

It sure sounds good to say, Well I'm just going to be myself and they can take it or leave it. But the real-me is not an easy person to be around. And if I love someone, it seems I wouldn't subject that person to such an experience of me.

 

[Judge]

Very much so, yes. I still don't have a solution to it. I feel like they like the "mask" that I present to the world, but since they don't really know the real me, there's no way they could possibly like me if they don't know me. And if they were to know what I'm really like inside, that would result in outright rejection, so I don't let people in.

Me too. You said it so well I see no point to elaborate further.

 

[STR]

I feel like they like the "mask" that I present to the world, but since they don't really know the real me, there's no way they could possibly like me if they don't know me. And if they were to know what I'm really like inside, that would result in outright rejection, so I don't let people in.

Ditto. I feel like I (implicitly) spend most of my life trying to adapt to NTs, by not letting them see the "real me" because I know I wouldn't fit in otherwise. But there are rare occasions where I meet someone that I feel like I can trust, and when I take the risk of sharing my inner self with them, I never end up feeling as if they actually like my inner self and I regret sharing with them...

 

[STR]

I wonder if this is related to our inability to read/interpret non-verbal communication. Unless someone explicitly and voluntarily tells me in no uncertain terms that they like me (which has rarely happened to me), then no amount of intentionally or unintentionally communicating that message through body language on their part is going to have any effect on me.

Even if (for example) someone smiles when they see me or gives me a hug upon greeting, I still don't know whether they are doing that because of me or because that's just what they always do with anyone. And even if I knew how to read body language, I am naturally more inclined to place more weight on what people say with their mouths than with their bodies, and since people who are "just friends" are unlikely to tell each other explicitly that they like each other, then I feel like I can never know for sure.

Perhaps this is less of an issue for NTs, who can tell whether other people like them simply from reading their body language and such...?

 

[DogwoodTree]

I think in my case, it's because I read non-verbal language TOO well. I don't know if that's just a variation of AS for me (being hypersensitive to body language rather than hyposensitive) or if it's a result of being raised in an abusive family. Either way, the problem for me seems to be that I read their "like" AS WELL AS their "dislike" messages.

No one likes anyone else 100%. There is absolutely no one that you should like with absolutely no reservation. If you did, you'd be putting them on a pedestal that no one can possible live up to, at least not for long. So there is always an element of "I don't like this about you" in every relationship, even in the close ones.

So when I watch someone for signs of whether they like me or not, I might see signs that they like some things about me, but I'm too caught up in the signs they give of things they don't like about me in order to put much stock into the things they do like about me.

The negative overwhelms the positive.

Both have to be there, I get that. And there are things about me that are likable. But generally, although they might like some of my characteristics, I feel like people tend to dislike my core characteristics, the essence of who I am.

They might like that I'm fairly intelligent, that I can teach myself lots of things, that I see things uniquely and think deeply (at least, they like some of the thoughts that come out of that deep thinking).

But I don't think they like my opinions on things, my preferences for or against certain things, the unpredictability of my emotions (which I try very hard to hide), the junk I struggle with, the pain from my past, the anxiety that permeates my life... If I stick with only thoughts and cognitive experience, I do okay with people. But it seems like the minute I try to reveal emotions, the struggle, the intensity, the reality, of my inner life...it's shutdown time--their shutdown time. They shut down the conversation or the relationship because they just don't know what to do with me. They run away. Or they attack. Even if they're trying to be nice...I see the signs. I see what's really going on inside them. I see through the words they're saying to the message behind them. And maybe I read too much into that stuff...but it feels real to me. And most of the time, in those times when I've tried to ignore what I think I'm seeing, it turns out to be true in the long run.

 

[Suzanne]

I kid myself into believing that I have changed, but the truth is, even now, I am in awe when it is quite obvious that ones find me cute.

What I have done, is learned how to get passed the terrible lack of self esteem.

Even within my family ie my husband and sister, I struggle.

I look at myself in the mirror and think: who honestly would want your company?

I get ridiculously complimented on being complimented, because I find it hard to believe I am worthy

 

[AsheSkyler]

In my case, it was less of a worry if I was a likeable person and more of whether or not they were the right kind of person not to complain about who I am. Because I can be quite likeable. I'm pretty laid-back and goofy in person, believe it or not, but apparently I'm like wine or turnip greens. I'm an "acquired taste" that most people haven't quite acquired yet. I'm fine with never really being myself. I get a thrill out of it, honestly. I'm not adapting to them as much as I am keeping them guessing and at arm's length, unless they are very, very special. I've had my fair share of being told to commit suicide so nobody has to put up with me anymore, and I don't have the patience or desire to enforce self-control like I used to. So only special people get a chance to get to know the real me, or pieces of the real me anyway.

 

[Diane]

There can be a person standing in front of me indicating that they like me (not romantic just friendly) and I'm hearing "I can't stand you, get away from me, why would you think I want anything to do with you, etc.

For whatever reason it seems almost impossible to believe it when someone says it.

 

[Bernd]

Hi everyone -

Aside from my family members and my wife, I have always had a very hard time convincing myself that another person actually likes me. Even when I have had people that would probably count as "friends", I always think that maybe they're only spending time with me to be nice or to humor me or because they think it would awkward to break off our interactions.

In general, I just have a hard time believing that I am likable. Do any of you have this same experience?

This is normal, do not think about it, you are likable, and if others play around, who cares? Enjoy the moment.

 

[nowwhat]

Add some paranoia like I have and that glimpse of dislike becomes spreading pool of cruel mockery and plans to do harm. But, looking directly, I can't see it. It's everpresent in my peripheral vision, though.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

I think in my case, it's because I read non-verbal language TOO well. I don't know if that's just a variation of AS for me (being hypersensitive to body language rather than hyposensitive) or if it's a result of being raised in an abusive family. Either way, the problem for me seems to be that I read their "like" AS WELL AS their "dislike" messages.
[...]
But I don't think they like my opinions on things, my preferences for or against certain things, the unpredictability of my emotions (which I try very hard to hide), the junk I struggle with, the pain from my past, the anxiety that permeates my life... If I stick with only thoughts and cognitive experience, I do okay with people. But it seems like the minute I try to reveal emotions, the struggle, the intensity, the reality, of my inner life...it's shutdown time--they're shutdown time. They shut down the conversation or the relationship because they just don't know what to do with me. They run away. Or they attack. Even if they're trying to be nice...I see the signs. I see what's really going on inside them. I see through the words they're saying to the message behind them. And maybe I read too much into that stuff...but it feels real to me. And most of the time, in those times when I've tried to ignore what I think I'm seeing, it turns out to be true in the long run.

Perfectly captures how I experience the world.

 

[Patrickm]

I'm what u see is what u get, I speak my mind and don't be two faced! If people have a problem with me it their problem and not mine, I don't change myself to try and make other people happy! I don't trust a lot of nt people even close friends because I think they would stab you in the back quicker than u can think! I'm happy the way I am because it makes life so much easier! Being an aspie has great qualities and my partner love me because I am what I am!

 

[Cerulean]

I look at myself in the mirror and think: who honestly would want your company?

I feel that way too. It's hard to believe anybody chooses to spend time with me sometimes.

 

[watersprite]

Me too. You said it so well I see no point to elaborate further.

Yes, indeed, me too.

 

[LostSoul]

Very much so, yes. I still don't have a solution to it. I feel like they like the "mask" that I present to the world, but since they don't really know the real me, there's no way they could possibly like me if they don't know me. And if they were to know what I'm really like inside, that would result in outright rejection, so I don't let people in.

I did try this past year for a while to be more authentic and more the real-me with people. And...that's how I discovered the whole AS thing about myself. As it turns out, I didn't even know myself because I was so good at acting the part. And the more I let myself out of the cage...the more difficult I was to be around. People laughed at me, or avoided me, or patronized me, or got angry at me, or condemned me.

A couple of exceptions...my DH is very loyal to me, to his credit, and I've discovered a couple of people who have enough similar traits/background to mine that they're intrigued by what I've learned in this process.

So I've concluded I can pretend to be a normal person and be treated somewhat normally but never be "known"...or I can be authentic and end up mostly alone anyway, or just tolerated. I'm working with a therapist now to try to figure out which of those routes is more functional in the long run, or if there's another option I haven't considered.

It sure sounds good to say, Well I'm just going to be myself and they can take it or leave it. But the real-me is not an easy person to be around. And if I love someone, it seems I wouldn't subject that person to such an experience of me.

Wow! That must be nice to have someone that you know is loyal to you. People are just leaving me and my life is becoming empty.

 

[Time of the Butterflies]

So many people in this thread have said almost exactly how I feel about this.

The only people I think like me are the ones who are practically obligated to like me, i.e. my sister's best friend who's practically a part of my family and my brother's girlfriend. However, I don't feel comfortable around anyone else. I don't let anyone in; why should I? Like someone said earlier, I put on a mask that has only come off to maybe five people at most.

I feel like everyone else who knows me and who I've known for years only likes me for my mask. I know it's my fault, but it can get disheartening quite often. And then I wonder why I'm still living in a world of lies around me, and I wonder what would happen if I took it off. What would people say? Would I even be able to do it? I don't know.

I don't think I'll ever be able to understand how some people are the same in public as they are in private. Where is your life? Where are the secrets you're hiding? Don't you want at least a tiny bit of your life to yourself?

 

[Licorice]

Considering that even other Aspies have bolted after meeting me in person, I'd wonder what's wrong with anyone who does like me.

 

[KassieMac]

This is strange … I posted in this thread about being bullied, even here on this board where we're supposed to be safe, and it was removed without notice. Why would I want to convince myself that people like me when it's clearly not true? Even here, no one wants to hear what I have to say.

 

[JMcCauley]

I need someone to tell me they like me, that they are my friend, etc.

I can't assume someone likes me.

To help with this problem, I tell people when I like them, find them attractive, want to be their friend, or date them in very clear terms, which forces them to respond in kind. Idk if this helps anyone, Ijust tthought I'd share that. Also, I tend to do this very soon after meeting someone, to avoid a period of awkward ambiguity.