Could I be somewhere on the autism spectrum?

[AuroraBorealis]

Hi, I'd like your thoughts. I've been pondering for the last years about this.

I'm 24/f, and I'm wondering if there's a possibility that I'm somewhere on the spectrum, or if this is completely out of the question and I'm just overthinking this and just kind of want an explanation.

I'm easily overwhelmed by noises and overly full places (like, I've always felt completely drained the second I stepped into a large, full store or a mall, just one example). Since I moved to a big city a few years ago, I sleep 1-2 hours longer than I used to, because all the noise and the lights are just exhausting. Especially as a kid, I had plenty of quirks and special interests. Like, I spent weeks or even months copying, memorizing and re-copying the hierarchy lists of the "Warriors" books, I spent months copying the pictures of one specific kids book, I read one specific complete animals encyclopedia like 5 times, just because I enjoyed it. I did play imaginative games with my toys but always the same scenarios (usually, someone fell down from somewhere, got hurt and others had to rescue them - I ended up studying medicine), and I read constantly (usually fiction). As a child, I was an extremely picky eater because I disliked the texture of a lot of foods, even though I liked their taste. Up to today, I dislike a lot more foods than other people, although I eat most of them if I have to. I'm not good with multitasking and I can be quite a scatterbrain although I consider myself above-average bookish-intelligent; I'm noticeabily bad with remembering people's names and faces if I don't know them well, and I often forget things other people seem to remember; also, my flat/room is a complete mess if I'm the one responsible for it. I acted sick as a kid often because I just didn't feel like going to school because of P.E. or because it just felt like a nuisance. Change makes me very anxious, like, not small changes to my daily routine, but big changes, like moving, a big trip somewhere or just talking about major planned changes.

I'm sure about being an introvert because, even though I like social interaction and being with people, it exhausts me so much. If I can't be alone for even one day, I'll have a meltdown where I get irritable and start crying because I just want to be left alone. Although I have people I love to spend time with (like my partner whom I live with), I feel most calm and myself when I'm alone. However, I need regular time with people so I don't get lonely over time. When talking, however, I'm quite impulsive, usually interrupt people without meaning to, and have real difficulties to structure my thoughts and to finish my sentences, especially when I'm excited about something. I can stop interrupting people, but that takes a lot of effort and as soon as I get into the conversation again, I forget about it and start interrupting again.

The thing that seems to speak against me being somewhere on the spectrum is that I'm socially intuitive. I can't remember ever copying people's behavior or somehow consciously masking. Until I was about 9 or 10, I felt a bit weird around other kids, I usually didn't look forward to others' birthday parties and I hated things like summer programs or gym class with other kids, but I can't really put my finger on what was the problem. I usually just didn't seem to fit in, I always wondered how the other kids just "did it" naturally while I usually stood on the side until one friendly kid talked to me. When I found kids I bonded with, however, I liked playing and hanging out with them and it felt natural. The thing is, I was very, very shy when I was young, so I can't differentiate between feeling shy and afraid of unknown kids, or if something else was the problem. Being with a bunch of unknown kids was always horror for me. However, I can't remember ever not understanding other kids, and I've always been good with emotions. I was always - and still am - very empathic and don't have any trouble recognizing emotions and subtext. However, I was always quite influenceable by my peers and, especially as a young teen, I had a strong tendency to copy my friends' way of talking and their behavior.

My partner is most probably on the spectrum, and I feel like I understand his way of thinking and feeling well enough to recognize it, but am myself natural enough with the NT world to translate for him and to help him navigate a bit (like, re-reading some of his professional emails to make sure they don't come off rude).

I'd be happy to hear your thoughts, especially if the paragraph about social intuition somehow excludes the possibility of me being somewhere on the spectrum because I'm too naturally social. I'm not looking to feeling "special". I just feel out of place a lot of the time, which feels exhausting, and I guess I would be glad to fit in somewhere. Recently, I realized I'm ace after years of pretending and not fitting in that way. So I guess I'm just trying to find a place.

Thank you so much for reading this and for your time.

 

[UberScout]

Yep. Pretty as a picture. I ain't even a doctor and I can see it from right here. Now Im not an expert by any means; I'm just good at knowing what I'm seeing.

Welcome to the club

 

[Xinyta]

Welcome, @AuroraBorealis

The interesting and tricky thing about the Autism Spectrum is that we all have things we share across the board in some way, but also have plenty of behaviors or triggers that are vastly different from another's. Each individual is different in that regard. So realisically you are most likely on the spectrum.

 

[AuroraBorealis]

Thank you both for your replies.
It feels weird to read this, although it also feels good. The thing is, I feel like although I might actually be on the autism spectrum, I feel like I'm not entitled to claim it. Like, I'm too socially functionable. I finished school, very well even, without having trouble with my fellow students, even having very good friends (I went to the same school for 12 years, though, that might have made it easier). I just finished med school. I have a stable, long-term relationship. I have friends, although not many. I've been living on my own, far away from my family, since I was 18. Objectively, I function perfectly, and no NT person would ever suspect anything unless I'd openly tell them, and even then they wouldn't believe me.
Now, I really don't want to insinuate that people on the spectrum are not able to do all that. But I'd be scared to tell anyone that I suspect being on the spectrum, because they would all say that I'm wrong and that I have no reason to even think that and that it's a trend and I just want to feel special. Like, so many people have real limitations by being on the spectrum. What I'm experiencing is "not enough" to claim it as a reason for me.
Does that make sense?
It's really difficult. I feel like I don't really fit into the normal world, but I feel like I function way too well to place myself somewhere on the spectrum.
But well, maybe I'll just send everyone else to hell and believe you two.

 

[Xinyta]

Now, I really don't want to insinuate that people on the spectrum are not able to do all that. But I'd be scared to tell anyone that I suspect being on the spectrum, because they would all say that I'm wrong and that I have no reason to even think that and that it's a trend and I just want to feel special. Like, so many people have real limitations by being on the spectrum. What I'm experiencing is "not enough" to claim it as a reason for me.
Does that make sense?
It's really difficult. I feel like I don't really fit into the normal world, but I feel like I function way too well to place myself somewhere on the spectrum.
But well, maybe I'll just send everyone else to hell and believe you two.

That's just what I mean. It's a tricky prospect preciving and understanding the Spectrum.

Though from what it sounds like. You took what you learned from socail situations to blend in and having that kinda capability to socialize can be helpful. But it maybe also that you've put on quite a thick mask. Not to say that anything you are capable of is false, as much as just a more psychological component of being on the spectrum. There are plenty that mask and have no idea they do it til they are diagnosed or find info on the spectrum. Sometimes both, just to confirm thier suspicions.

Though at the end of the day, it's up to all of us to determine how we handle this knowledge once we find out.

 

[Kaz2012]

Thank you both for your replies.
It feels weird to read this, although it also feels good. The thing is, I feel like although I might actually be on the autism spectrum, I feel like I'm not entitled to claim it. Like, I'm too socially functionable. I finished school, very well even, without having trouble with my fellow students, even having very good friends (I went to the same school for 12 years, though, that might have made it easier). I just finished med school. I have a stable, long-term relationship. I have friends, although not many. I've been living on my own, far away from my family, since I was 18. Objectively, I function perfectly, and no NT person would ever suspect anything unless I'd openly tell them, and even then they wouldn't believe me.
Now, I really don't want to insinuate that people on the spectrum are not able to do all that. But I'd be scared to tell anyone that I suspect being on the spectrum, because they would all say that I'm wrong and that I have no reason to even think that and that it's a trend and I just want to feel special. Like, so many people have real limitations by being on the spectrum. What I'm experiencing is "not enough" to claim it as a reason for me.
Does that make sense?
It's really difficult. I feel like I don't really fit into the normal world, but I feel like I function way too well to place myself somewhere on the spectrum.
But well, maybe I'll just send everyone else to hell and believe you two.

I also function well socially and have friends (not many) and can cope - always had jobs, had relationships, etc. But reflecting on my life before diagnosis I do realise I was masking a lot (and often still do). A lot of people say they would not have picked me for autistic when I tell them. I think a lot of people have an opinion that all autistic people must fit that Sheldon stereotype. I can identify with a lot of what you described in your first post.

 

[AuroraBorealis]

I also function well socially and have friends (not many) and can cope - always had jobs, had relationships, etc. But reflecting on my life before diagnosis I do realise I was masking a lot (and often still do). A lot of people say they would not have picked me for autistic when I tell them. I think a lot of people have an opinion that all autistic people must fit that Sheldon stereotype. I can identify with a lot of what you described in your first post.

May I ask, have you been diagnosed by a medical professional?
I know it's not necessary at all for me to do that - if I think that I fit onto the spectrum, that's okay and enough. But although - or maybe because - I'm myself in the medical field (I even want to specialize in child and adolescent psychiatry), I'd be so scared and uncomfortable to see a professional about this to confirm my suspicions. I'd get impostor feelings. Also, I don't want to give one single person the power to decide on my perception of myself. Especially since views about ASD differ vastly between healthcare professionals, so it would depend greatly on what person I get.
But, since you described paralleles to me and say that you can identify with a lot of what I said, and said "before diagnosis", I wondered if you got an official diagnosis.

 

[Richelle-H]

Hello. In reading your opening post, much of what you described could be applied to me at one point in my life or another. I showed a few early signs in retrospect (When I uttered my first words it was in complete sentences). School bored me so much that I would burn out on going and would fake an illness to stay at home for anywhere from one to three days. My mother, being an RN from WWII had to know I was faking but went along with it. I also used the same technique during my working life to take a mental health day or two. There are smells that bother me a great deal (raw fish for example), but their are some that most people find offensive which I find ??intriguing?? for lack of a better word (specifically Skunk). Some foodstuffs taste vile to me while I find some quite tasty that others turn away from.

I have always felt apart even with a group of friends. Major change always sends me into a tizzy, even the prospect of change can roil me somewhat although I have learned coping mechanisms over the years. I am hopeless at keeping a tidy living space or, when still working, office cubicle. You would have to spend a great deal of time with me to catch on that I live in a different mode than everyone else around me. I always considered myself an alien observer gathering information to improve my life. I learned to fit in while not fitting in if that makes sense.

I could go on and on, but I was blithely unaware of my Asperger's until a friend pointed out that she believed I was on the spectrum. I did receive a professional diagnosis the same year which was somewhere around 1987-1989. The only thing that did for me was offer some protection many years later when I somehow offended a work colleague with an offhand statement that was not meant in the way it was taken. Attempts at therapy always fail with me because I reject the idea that there is something that needs fixing.

I hope this offers some perspective in some small way. I never felt their was anything wrong with me growing up and I still do not. I just experience, see, and interact with the world through a different lens. There is nothing wrong with you exploring possibilities that make sense to you. That might be read as arrogance on my part by some, but it does not make it any less true from my perspective. Be well, and welcome to the forums. I hope you stick around!

 

[AuroraBorealis]

Thank you all, I really appreciate the answers.
Looking back, I can't remember a time where I didn't read, and most of the books I read when I was a child were about social stuff (like, children, friendships, later love and relationships, always with describing the character's feelings and motivations). It's possible that I picked up a lot of information about how children think and act from these books without realizing it. Since I was practically always reading when I wasn't in school (and sometimes even during school), I can't tell in retrospect if my social skills developed naturally, or if I learned a considerable amount of them through my books.
I mean, after all I was also perfectly able to mask the fact that I actually lacked sexual attraction for several years, without my first boyfriend realizing this. I'd just read a huge amount of teenage books about love and relationships and knew how sexual attraction was supposed to look like.
It's true that being around other kids until I got to secondary school (at about 11) always felt sort of off. In secondary school, I was very happy socially because I built up my friends circle - of course, I had years to do that. When I started uni, however, I struggled a lot with making new friends. I'm good at smalltalk, but not at making a friend. Up to today - 6 years later - I have one best friend and my partner from uni. Both are not what I would call NT. With other people, it always feels like there's this distance, like having a glass screen between me and the others. Especially in group activities, I feel like I just don't fit in but can't say why. I usually bond way easier with people who seem a bit non-NT themselves.
Sorry for writing so much. These things have been occupying my mind for years without me being able to verbalize them.

 

[Xinyta]

When I started uni, however, I struggled a lot with making new friends. I'm good at smalltalk, but not at making a friend. Up to today - 6 years later - I have one best friend and my partner from uni. Both are not what I would call NT. With other people, it always feels like there's this distance, like having a glass screen between me and the others. Especially in group activities, I feel like I just don't fit in but can't say why. I usually bond way easier with people who seem a bit non-NT themselves.

That's something we all share. Even with each person with different levels of capabilities on the spectrum. The one constant is the 'glass screen', 'the window', 'the barrier' that allows us to watch the world around us, but blocks us from fully interacting within it.

That is something that we have no control over, no matter how we may try. But we can work within those limitations to help allow us to function in our own way in life. It maybe different, but it's our way. No matter what that way is.

Surrounding yourself with people that understand, ND or NT, is the best way to keep on that path to bettering ourselves. Focus on differences, divides. Focus on common ground, unites.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

Your probably at the point where the two Distrubutions overlap.