chinaski1000
Well-Known Member
A few years ago a friend of mine mentioned a girl he had dated with aspbergers, and what he described sounded a lot like what I have gone through. I rather dismissed, and he dismissed it saying "you're not like this girl." Of course, he had only known me for awhile, and of course I was about 26 at the time. I'm 29 now.
I've struggled all my life to understand others, and to fit in. I became conscious of it in highschool, that I was always "adjusting" my behavior. Not like, "oh i'm an awkward teen learning to fit in," but that I was having to exert more effort than others to not seem so strange. I'd go through routines that I learned from people, and hit a blank wall when I ran out of material. I still do it, although i'm much better at being social, but I'm still awkward and find it hard.
My grandmother always brings up that when i was a kid, i didn't like to be touched, and I actually did go to speech therapy classes when I was 6. I had very poor verbal skills, and for most of my childhood up until my mid to late teens, I'd actually talk without moving my mouth or looking at people. I still talk monotonish, although it's not as bad (I think. No one ever brings it up anymore, at least.)
I used to get in to fights a lot too. Often over things that i now realize were just kids trying to be nice to me, but I actually thought they were being mean , something I had a hard time telling the difference between. Although, kids were often mean to me. And I'd often say things that cost me friendships. I never held on to more than a few friends at a time, and even in to adult hood I find it hard.
They had diagnosed with ADD back then in 5th grade. It only seemed to make matters worse as the ritalin caused me to sink deeper in to myself, and angrier. It only served to cause me to get in to more fights. Later that diagnosis would be discounted.
I've never been able to hold on to a job for very long. Employers tend to get frustrated with me easily. I always feel that I go out of my way to be useful, and helpful, and I always try to hold a tight regimine, and never step on any toes. To do everything right. I've learned to even ask questions even if it makes me sound stupid. I never seem to be able to do anything quite right. It seems like i'm always a step behind, that I always get cut right when i'm finally getting things right. I can always see my progress, my growth, in what seems like leaps and bounds to me, but to others it doesn't seem like enough.
Over the years I've had doctors try to diagnose me with schizophrenia, and various disorders, which when i'd actually talk to a real counselor they'd call ******** and take me off the meds. Which I always felt better off the meds.
I've always been obsessive about keeping my things in order. Having order. Knowing where things are. And I've always had trouble communicating my emotions, and as a result end up over-explaining myself in ways that often confuse even myself. I think that's partially why some doctors have tried to say I was schizoid.
Last year, i had a breakdown actually when my family tried to get me to move out of the home i was staying in. I was staying in my grandmother's home, and they wanted me to move out so they could sell it.
I couldn't bear the idea of them moving my stuff around. touching my stuff. And they were disrupting my day, which i'd already plans for. This is to say: THEY AMbuShED ME, my aunts and cousins did. It ended up with the cops being called and i was sent to a mental hospital for 3 days. Needless to say, aside from my mother and my grandmother, i've never had any kind of meaningful relationship with my family.
I also find it hard to lie. Extremely hard. I tend to follow my own ideals quite strictly, and become deeply upset when others do things that go against those ideals. I've tried to curb it a bit, but it's hasn't done much it good. Sometimes I get simple misunderstandings mixed up in there...I'll say something that I thought was genuinely sincere or innocent, and be told that what I said was rude, or upsetting. I tend to form my own connotations of things, that I forget are probably alien to other people. One time I told an obese man I was working on a book about a fat detective, because i thought the idea of a fatman doing action-hero style gymnastics would be interesting and cool to see. Another time I told a girlfriend of mine that a sexual encounter we had was "like awkward masturbation" thinking that she would find it funny too.
Talking about taking things strict. As a child I often did take instructions literally. And even in to adult hood. But most notably I remember a program telling me to beware of strangers, to run away from slow moving cars. So I did just that.
I've also found it really hard to form romantic relationships, and initimacy has never been a thing for me really. My friends often think it weird that I don't really have interest in pursuing one. My focus is on myself, my life, my interests. And i've always had a bad time at dealing with social things (groups I definitely can't do either.) I often shiop at night just to avoid having to deal with customer service people, it irritates me in a way that i feel is irrational - I actual fear having to deal with them. i often choose my restaurants based on "where can i serve my own drink so i don't have to ask."
And my interests tend to rotate, but they're extreme. I'm obsessed with minutinae, and finding endless subtlety, and classification of things. On a daily basis i wind up going down numerous rabbit holes whenever I find anything that interests me.
I've been unemployed for the past year, and i've moved 3 times in the past 6 months. It's been horrifiying, and i've never felt like I've belonged anywhere.
I can do social though. I just can't form anything lasting it seems. It's hard. My whole life, I've maybe only had 4 or 5 close friends. Today, i'm down to 1. I often would like to pursue friendships, but i'm never sure about the appropriateness of it. I'm never sure when I'm acting "obsessive" and it's actually become a major worry factor for me that I will say something offensive or creepy to someone.
anyways. I'm just curious if this sounds like a familiar story. I've been thinking about trying to get diagnosed, find a knowledgable doctor and ask him to screen me. But I dunno.
I've struggled all my life to understand others, and to fit in. I became conscious of it in highschool, that I was always "adjusting" my behavior. Not like, "oh i'm an awkward teen learning to fit in," but that I was having to exert more effort than others to not seem so strange. I'd go through routines that I learned from people, and hit a blank wall when I ran out of material. I still do it, although i'm much better at being social, but I'm still awkward and find it hard.
My grandmother always brings up that when i was a kid, i didn't like to be touched, and I actually did go to speech therapy classes when I was 6. I had very poor verbal skills, and for most of my childhood up until my mid to late teens, I'd actually talk without moving my mouth or looking at people. I still talk monotonish, although it's not as bad (I think. No one ever brings it up anymore, at least.)
I used to get in to fights a lot too. Often over things that i now realize were just kids trying to be nice to me, but I actually thought they were being mean , something I had a hard time telling the difference between. Although, kids were often mean to me. And I'd often say things that cost me friendships. I never held on to more than a few friends at a time, and even in to adult hood I find it hard.
They had diagnosed with ADD back then in 5th grade. It only seemed to make matters worse as the ritalin caused me to sink deeper in to myself, and angrier. It only served to cause me to get in to more fights. Later that diagnosis would be discounted.
I've never been able to hold on to a job for very long. Employers tend to get frustrated with me easily. I always feel that I go out of my way to be useful, and helpful, and I always try to hold a tight regimine, and never step on any toes. To do everything right. I've learned to even ask questions even if it makes me sound stupid. I never seem to be able to do anything quite right. It seems like i'm always a step behind, that I always get cut right when i'm finally getting things right. I can always see my progress, my growth, in what seems like leaps and bounds to me, but to others it doesn't seem like enough.
Over the years I've had doctors try to diagnose me with schizophrenia, and various disorders, which when i'd actually talk to a real counselor they'd call ******** and take me off the meds. Which I always felt better off the meds.
I've always been obsessive about keeping my things in order. Having order. Knowing where things are. And I've always had trouble communicating my emotions, and as a result end up over-explaining myself in ways that often confuse even myself. I think that's partially why some doctors have tried to say I was schizoid.
Last year, i had a breakdown actually when my family tried to get me to move out of the home i was staying in. I was staying in my grandmother's home, and they wanted me to move out so they could sell it.
I couldn't bear the idea of them moving my stuff around. touching my stuff. And they were disrupting my day, which i'd already plans for. This is to say: THEY AMbuShED ME, my aunts and cousins did. It ended up with the cops being called and i was sent to a mental hospital for 3 days. Needless to say, aside from my mother and my grandmother, i've never had any kind of meaningful relationship with my family.
I also find it hard to lie. Extremely hard. I tend to follow my own ideals quite strictly, and become deeply upset when others do things that go against those ideals. I've tried to curb it a bit, but it's hasn't done much it good. Sometimes I get simple misunderstandings mixed up in there...I'll say something that I thought was genuinely sincere or innocent, and be told that what I said was rude, or upsetting. I tend to form my own connotations of things, that I forget are probably alien to other people. One time I told an obese man I was working on a book about a fat detective, because i thought the idea of a fatman doing action-hero style gymnastics would be interesting and cool to see. Another time I told a girlfriend of mine that a sexual encounter we had was "like awkward masturbation" thinking that she would find it funny too.
Talking about taking things strict. As a child I often did take instructions literally. And even in to adult hood. But most notably I remember a program telling me to beware of strangers, to run away from slow moving cars. So I did just that.
I've also found it really hard to form romantic relationships, and initimacy has never been a thing for me really. My friends often think it weird that I don't really have interest in pursuing one. My focus is on myself, my life, my interests. And i've always had a bad time at dealing with social things (groups I definitely can't do either.) I often shiop at night just to avoid having to deal with customer service people, it irritates me in a way that i feel is irrational - I actual fear having to deal with them. i often choose my restaurants based on "where can i serve my own drink so i don't have to ask."
And my interests tend to rotate, but they're extreme. I'm obsessed with minutinae, and finding endless subtlety, and classification of things. On a daily basis i wind up going down numerous rabbit holes whenever I find anything that interests me.
I've been unemployed for the past year, and i've moved 3 times in the past 6 months. It's been horrifiying, and i've never felt like I've belonged anywhere.
I can do social though. I just can't form anything lasting it seems. It's hard. My whole life, I've maybe only had 4 or 5 close friends. Today, i'm down to 1. I often would like to pursue friendships, but i'm never sure about the appropriateness of it. I'm never sure when I'm acting "obsessive" and it's actually become a major worry factor for me that I will say something offensive or creepy to someone.
anyways. I'm just curious if this sounds like a familiar story. I've been thinking about trying to get diagnosed, find a knowledgable doctor and ask him to screen me. But I dunno.
