I have been married to my husband for seven years and dating him for three years prior. I knew from the beginning that we were two, very different people. I am a ?neat freak? and very organized, a very driven person with zero tolerance for lazy behavior. I come from a home without any divorce and an importance of some form of religion but not ?bible thumper?. My husband comes from a mother who has been through two divorces. He was very rebellious as a child and lost his father (after his parents divorced) when he was nine. It seems like he was a very lost young man. His mother was rather absent from the way he describes. But as he got older, he realized that he resented his mother and says he knows he must have made her life very difficult. It seems to me that she almost gave up on him because she never knew where he was. His brother is successful and seems to be the ?favorite? child. He doesn?t resent his brother and they have a decent relationship. However, I think his brother believes he is a better person because he, at times, will make comments about my husband being irresponsible (which is not a false claim).
Since the beginning, my husband has never been able to keep anything organized or clean. He doesn?t carry a wallet and loses his money, ATM cards, etc. on a regular basis. His car is a disaster even though it is quite an expense vehicle. He does not take care of anything he owns ? clothes, cars, houses, etc. Most people think I just am too critical of a ?mess? but when I show them how he lives, they are shocked. It is not a mess but pure filth. Things like not changing sheets (or even putting them on the bed in the first place), spilling food and never cleaning it up, leaving dirty dishes and old food everywhere for months at a time, dipping tobacco and spitting into cups and then letting them sit or spill on the floor ? never cleaning it up. It?s disgusting. It continues to escalate the older he gets. When I cannot take it anymore, I go in with trash bags and clean his room. We?ve lived in separate rooms now for a few years because I simply cannot emotionally handle the messes. As I clean, I grow more and more enraged that he treats me this way. I?ve told him countless times just how badly his actions hurt me. He knows that they do yet he continues to do it. He says he does not see the messes. He says he doesn?t know how to make his filthiness stop. I do not understand those statements. It is sad to me that he would throw away our relationship over not being able to clean up after himself. Sometimes I wonder if he just knows I?ll never leave so why should he change? I?ve kicked him out of the house countless times because I cannot handle it anymore. He just leaves and never talks to me. He will leave for months at a time and never reach out to me. When I eventually cannot take it anymore, I reach out, he moves back in, and the behavior never changes. He has a habit of lying about things, nothing on the level of cheating on me, just silly white lies. Like saying he mailed something when he didn?t. It seems like he tells lies and half truths to cover up being irresponsible or because it?s easier to just tell me the answer I want to hear. However, they are clearly found out lies and he doesn?t try to cover them up. When I tell him I give up and I want a divorce, I secretly want him to throw caution to the wind and say something like, ?I love you too much and would give or do anything for you. I will make this work no matter how many times I fail or falter!? Sadly, I?ve never once heard that ? and I?ve even told him that?s what I would love to hear. He just leaves or says he doesn?t know how to make me happy, he feels it?s best if he leave since he knows he is damaging me, and he doesn?t want me to stay with him because he knows he will hurt me further. I am so frustrated because I feel like there is zero effort or try from his side. I just always end up upset and take him back because it?s easier I guess. But not really, we just end up in the same place sooner than the last. I feel like he doesn?t appreciate me and uses me, sucking the life out of me but not caring that he makes my life miserable. All of this I have shared with him. I do not expect him to be able to read my mind and am a fairly straight forward person.
In our seven years of marriage, he has given me one anniversary gift. He never gets or does anything for me for my birthday, Christmas, etc. He says he doesn?t know what to get me. He never plans any vacations, dinner outings, etc. He has always been a ?fly by the seat of your pants? guy. And while I work full time and do not expect to be treated like a princess, I would like for him to accept any form of responsibility in our relationship. I handle all the bills, the cleaning, the laundry, the lawn work, the animals, etc. We do not have children thankfully.
He does immerse himself in his hobbies and will become nearly obsessed about things that do not benefit anyone. I do not understand how he can exert so much time and effort into a project that serves no purpose. However, he rarely finishes a project. And projects that were once obsessions become literally trash the next day. He becomes obsessed with authors and topics and sometimes seemingly tries to imitate people he likes from their speech to their mannerisms. He does not have any issue with physical contact. In fact, he seems nearly obsessed with sexual acts. He does have awful handwriting but I don?t know many men who don?t. He does have trouble sleeping however his career does not allow for a normal sleeping pattern. I am also a night owl so I understand his enjoyment of being up and working on something until the wee hours of the morning.
I am not seeking a diagnosis to give my husband an excuse for the way that he treats me. I know that it is unacceptable and emotionally abusive. However, whether our relationship works out or not, I am curious as to if this sounds like a person with Aspergers from folks that are familiar. I don?t think he is against going to a psychiatrist or receiving counseling. I am just hoping, for his sake, that he finds a way to make adjustments to his life before he ruins his career.
Sorry so long but I wanted to give a good history of what has been going on and see if anyone might have any input on the situation before I head off to counseling. Thanks in advance.
Since the beginning, my husband has never been able to keep anything organized or clean. He doesn?t carry a wallet and loses his money, ATM cards, etc. on a regular basis. His car is a disaster even though it is quite an expense vehicle. He does not take care of anything he owns ? clothes, cars, houses, etc. Most people think I just am too critical of a ?mess? but when I show them how he lives, they are shocked. It is not a mess but pure filth. Things like not changing sheets (or even putting them on the bed in the first place), spilling food and never cleaning it up, leaving dirty dishes and old food everywhere for months at a time, dipping tobacco and spitting into cups and then letting them sit or spill on the floor ? never cleaning it up. It?s disgusting. It continues to escalate the older he gets. When I cannot take it anymore, I go in with trash bags and clean his room. We?ve lived in separate rooms now for a few years because I simply cannot emotionally handle the messes. As I clean, I grow more and more enraged that he treats me this way. I?ve told him countless times just how badly his actions hurt me. He knows that they do yet he continues to do it. He says he does not see the messes. He says he doesn?t know how to make his filthiness stop. I do not understand those statements. It is sad to me that he would throw away our relationship over not being able to clean up after himself. Sometimes I wonder if he just knows I?ll never leave so why should he change? I?ve kicked him out of the house countless times because I cannot handle it anymore. He just leaves and never talks to me. He will leave for months at a time and never reach out to me. When I eventually cannot take it anymore, I reach out, he moves back in, and the behavior never changes. He has a habit of lying about things, nothing on the level of cheating on me, just silly white lies. Like saying he mailed something when he didn?t. It seems like he tells lies and half truths to cover up being irresponsible or because it?s easier to just tell me the answer I want to hear. However, they are clearly found out lies and he doesn?t try to cover them up. When I tell him I give up and I want a divorce, I secretly want him to throw caution to the wind and say something like, ?I love you too much and would give or do anything for you. I will make this work no matter how many times I fail or falter!? Sadly, I?ve never once heard that ? and I?ve even told him that?s what I would love to hear. He just leaves or says he doesn?t know how to make me happy, he feels it?s best if he leave since he knows he is damaging me, and he doesn?t want me to stay with him because he knows he will hurt me further. I am so frustrated because I feel like there is zero effort or try from his side. I just always end up upset and take him back because it?s easier I guess. But not really, we just end up in the same place sooner than the last. I feel like he doesn?t appreciate me and uses me, sucking the life out of me but not caring that he makes my life miserable. All of this I have shared with him. I do not expect him to be able to read my mind and am a fairly straight forward person.
In our seven years of marriage, he has given me one anniversary gift. He never gets or does anything for me for my birthday, Christmas, etc. He says he doesn?t know what to get me. He never plans any vacations, dinner outings, etc. He has always been a ?fly by the seat of your pants? guy. And while I work full time and do not expect to be treated like a princess, I would like for him to accept any form of responsibility in our relationship. I handle all the bills, the cleaning, the laundry, the lawn work, the animals, etc. We do not have children thankfully.
He does immerse himself in his hobbies and will become nearly obsessed about things that do not benefit anyone. I do not understand how he can exert so much time and effort into a project that serves no purpose. However, he rarely finishes a project. And projects that were once obsessions become literally trash the next day. He becomes obsessed with authors and topics and sometimes seemingly tries to imitate people he likes from their speech to their mannerisms. He does not have any issue with physical contact. In fact, he seems nearly obsessed with sexual acts. He does have awful handwriting but I don?t know many men who don?t. He does have trouble sleeping however his career does not allow for a normal sleeping pattern. I am also a night owl so I understand his enjoyment of being up and working on something until the wee hours of the morning.
I am not seeking a diagnosis to give my husband an excuse for the way that he treats me. I know that it is unacceptable and emotionally abusive. However, whether our relationship works out or not, I am curious as to if this sounds like a person with Aspergers from folks that are familiar. I don?t think he is against going to a psychiatrist or receiving counseling. I am just hoping, for his sake, that he finds a way to make adjustments to his life before he ruins his career.
Sorry so long but I wanted to give a good history of what has been going on and see if anyone might have any input on the situation before I head off to counseling. Thanks in advance.
