Could use some help with relationship outlook.

[Wulven]

I was talking with someone recently. Who pointed out to me that I was looking at any possible relationship with a woman like it was already doomed to fail. That's actually pretty accurate. I mentioned I was trying to account for the woman's needs and wants. They said I couldn't do that. How can I predict the actions and choices of a woman I have never met. Or say that I know for certain that the relationship would end in failure. It was all very good points. I think I need to change that thinking.
Could use some thoughts.

 

[Skittlebisquit]

Yes sounds kinda bitter. Remember IDIC, lots of different folks in the world.

In general, the more bitter I am about the past, the less likely I am to develop new relationships. It's because I have locked the gate myself.

How about, the "what I want in a partner" exercise, as a place to start?

It's simple, just make a short list with a brief description about qualities and attributes you desire. No using negatives. Heres an example

I want someone who is not cynical or uses sarcasm

Compare and contrast to

I want someone who is open minded with a robust sense of humor.

The second one is a positive statement, the first is negative

It may take a while. My first one took three days to write and perfect.

 

[Judge]

How can I predict the actions and choices of a woman I have never met.

The simple answer? - You don't.

Every potential relationship amounts to a leap of faith. And to accept that it takes time to really get to know someone. And under such circumstances, try not to make any rash decisions or judgments. That you might just find one's plusses outweigh their minuses.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

like it was already doomed to fail. That's actually pretty accurate.

DAMN! The thing that helped me and an exercise you need to do is to rewrite your inner message to the positive, and gain a good self image. I can guarantee that if I look under the hood, I'd find a negative self image. I hope it has not turned into self loathing. Start contemplating your interests and why those make you interesting, ruminate on even small successes and recognize yourself. It took me over a year of trying to like myself, but I was lucky that because I thought of myself as valuable I was able to act appropriately with the woman I met who is now my spouse.

Before defining the person you want to have a relationship with, start to enjoy being yourself.

 

[Wulven]

DAMN! The thing that helped me and an exercise you need to do is to rewrite your inner message to the positive, and gain a good self image. I can guarantee that if I look under the hood, I'd find a negative self image. I hope it has not turned into self loathing. Start contemplating your interests and why those make you interesting, ruminate on even small successes and recognize yourself. It took me over a year of trying to like myself, but I was lucky that because I thought of myself as valuable I was able to act appropriately with the woman I met who is now my spouse.

Before defining the person you want to have a relationship with, start to enjoy being yourself.

Working on that. Definitely working on that.

 

[jleeb05]

I knew this was one of my issues but the more I learn about autism the more I think this is an issue for many of us: The world is not predictable. People are not predictable. I think for people who are used to finding patterns, this is an uncomfortable truth.

 

[Aspychata]

I agree with the above post. There is danger in relationships because of the unknowns of that person and how they react. I was afraid to tell someone my feelings because l feared rejection. It's our negative self-image that doom us going out the door and then our anxiety of the unknown create a sloppy messy soup and we refuse to meet others and will rule out relationships for any reason we can think of. Because the unknown isn't safe, relationships to me aren't safe anymore and l drag myself thru them more with apprehension then my friend realizes. They probably feel l am a butterfly but sometimes l mask the fear of that unknown. Totally comfortable in a boudoir based relationship because l don't have to commit to the other side of the roller coaster ride of your feelings. Does this make me selfish, yes, but deep down, it's survival mode for me. Yes, l am anxiety neurotic driven even in relationships.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I was talking with someone recently. Who pointed out to me that I was looking at any possible relationship with a woman like it was already doomed to fail. That's actually pretty accurate. I mentioned I was trying to account for the woman's needs and wants. They said I couldn't do that. How can I predict the actions and choices of a woman I have never met. Or say that I know for certain that the relationship would end in failure. It was all very good points. I think I need to change that thinking.
Could use some thoughts.

Wulven,
I have said this before, and I will say it again,...communication is everything. I have been with the same woman for over 35 years. Good Lord,...I have zero idea what she is thinking,...never have. After these many years, all I can say is that I have a good sense of her personality and from that I might be able to have some sense of predictability,...but I have learned not to rely on that, either. So, how in the heck am I supposed to meet her needs? How is she going to meet your needs? How can you avoid those little arguments? Communication,...and when I say this, I mean you two have to sit down and discuss, in detail, how you operate and think. You have to have that critical conversation regarding what each other's expectations are, using direct language vs. indirect language, being open, transparent, and honest,...with everything,...even the embarrassing things. Some people think those innocent little lies are no big deal,...it might not be with a passing acquaintance,...but it is with your life partner. Every time someone tells a little lie, every time someone hides something,...that is just one more tiny reason to distrust a person. Sure, there will be times when someone gets upset and ends up in tears,...but it won't be about being distrustful or deceitful. You can get over most things,...except lies and deceit,...and that requires great communication. You also have to understand that you two are human beings, imperfect, you look at other people,...someone has probably looked at porn, probably read a lusty little "romance novel",...accept it. For Pete's sake, it's how we know we have not given up being alive,...if one of us are lusting over some Hollywood actor or actress, when one of us catches a wandering gaze at that "hottie" walking by,..."Busted!",...and we laugh. You have to love each other enough to let them go,...I've told her more than once, the door is open any time you're not happy. You can't be worried about rejection,...be more concerned about their happiness than your own. It is at that point where you look at your relationship and say,..."Wow,...she's still here." "She literally could be with anyone,...but she's here with me." Trust builds. Controlling behaviors go away. Anxiety levels drop. You actually look forward to that phone call, for them to come home, etc. You become that rock for each other. It all starts with dropping those walls and allowing for free-flowing communication.

 

[Martha Ferris]

It seems to me that you are starting from the end rather than from the beginning. You are already in a relationship before you have a woman in your life. You are just looking to find a woman to plug into that relationship.
When you begin a relationship you get to know the person gradually. You spend time with them and get to know them through shared experiences and by listening to them. You build a bond over time. Relationships are not a formula that you can do x, y and z and come out with a satisfactory conclusion.
In a relationship are you getting your needs met? Are you meeting your partners? This is not about what you think her needs are but based on getting to know who she is. What is important to her.
Beginning a relationship be it romantic or friendship is a hope. A hope that you will find enough connections to continue and that it will grow over time. Often it doesn't happen. First attraction fades as we get to know each other more indepth and one or the other or both decide it isn't working but it is not a failure it is a learning experience. We get to know more about ourselves and what we want and need with each relationship so that our future searches can be more focused on meeting those. It narrows the field to help us find the best fit for us. Relationships are a learning experience with no guarantees concerning outcomes. Accept it.
So the choice is yours. Are you willing to evaluate your past relationships and learn from them and about yourself or are you going to keep doing the same things over and over hoping for a different result?

 

[Nairobi]

Let the woman decide what she needs and wants and whether you fulfill that satisfactorily for her, don’t decide for her

my husband’s perceptions of me are so different from my own, and that of other people in general, including guys who dated me in the past for whom I wasn’t _____ enough or too ______. I have no grasp on what my husband sees in me, but he’s happy with me. I think a shared sense of humor and shared values can really help.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Let the woman decide what she needs and wants and whether you fulfill that satisfactorily for her, don’t decide for her

my husband’s perceptions of me are so different from my own, and that of other people in general, including guys who dated me in the past for whom I wasn’t _____ enough or too ______. I have no grasp on what my husband sees in me, but he’s happy with me. I think a shared sense of humor and shared values can really help.

And vice-versa. Totally agree. Early in my marriage I was guilty of this. What I thought she wanted and felt about herself,...and what she really wanted and felt about herself, was often not what I expected. I would take certain behaviors, work them through MY filter, and imagine her in a certain way. I was wrong a lot. I didn't know I was autistic,...and wasn't aware of the common thinking errors associated with autism,...a lack of cognitive empathy,...a lack of perspective taking,...I didn't know how to read her non-verbal language. I wasn't the best communicator,...and neither was she,...how we survived, I am not sure. I guess I never had relationship fears,...jealousy, anxiety, controlling behaviors,...and I was about as honest a person could be,...even if it made her cry. So, when I give people advice about communication,...that's life experience from someone who made some mistakes.

 

[Nairobi]

And vice-versa. Totally agree. Early in my marriage I was guilty of this. What I thought she wanted and felt about herself,...and what she really wanted and felt about herself, was often not what I expected. I would take certain behaviors, work them through MY filter, and imagine her in a certain way. I was wrong a lot. I didn't know I was autistic,...and wasn't aware of the common thinking errors associated with autism,...a lack of cognitive empathy,...a lack of perspective taking,...I didn't know how to read her non-verbal language. I wasn't the best communicator,...and neither was she,...how we survived, I am not sure. I guess I never had relationship fears,...jealousy, anxiety, controlling behaviors,...and I was about as honest a person could be,...even if it made her cry. So, when I give people advice about communication,...that's life experience from someone who made some mistakes.

I think I am still doing this about other people in general, though....so maybe I need to stop putting them through my own filter so much, assuming so much what they would or wouldn't want/need form me as friends. And maybe I need to just focus on finding people who share my sense of humor and values.....actually, that's quite hard! But maybe it will happen.

 

[Ken]

For what it's worth; I am 69 years old and very happily married, however, not once in all my life did I ever have a successful date. All were tragic failures. My autistic mannerism and poor masking skills killed all of them.

Seemed hopeless.

I met my wife in an on-line chat room - two states away. We communicated for about two months before ever meeting in person. This allowed her to get to know me without being put off by my physical mannerisms. My autism has indeed been a problem, but we fell in love before any in-person meeting and it turns out that love is stronger than the negativity of my autism.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I think for people who are used to finding patterns, this is an uncomfortable truth.

I wonder at the difference between finding patterns and a need for consistency. I love the former and have developed statistical worksheets to understand some of the patterns in nature, but I also love whitewater open canoe where one must embrace inconsistency. My spouse and I read the patterns in rapids differently and while I'll take the hero route and sometimes get trashed, she competently comes through, smiling.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

For what it's worth; I am 69 years old and very happily married, however, not once in all my life did I ever have a successful date. All were tragic failures. My autistic mannerism and poor masking skills killed all of them.

Seemed hopeless.

I met my wife in an on-line chat room - two states away. We communicated for about two months before ever meeting in person. This allowed her to get to know me without being put off by my physical mannerisms. My autism has indeed been a problem, but we fell in love before any in-person meeting and it turns out that love is stronger than the negativity of my autism.

What a wonderful story! I notice that those of us who made marriage work have all been attracted to the whole PERSON, first. My story is similar, but on a road trip, months got compressed into days by an intensity of experience.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I knew this was one of my issues but the more I learn about autism the more I think this is an issue for many of us: The world is not predictable. People are not predictable. I think for people who are used to finding patterns, this is an uncomfortable truth.

Very insightful and true. There is likely more synaptic connections in the human brain than there are stars in the universe. A few neurons "zip" instead of "zap" at any given moment,...behaviors change. How many people do we interact with on any given day,...driving on the highway, walking down the street, in the market? There is an infinite amount of potential alternate outcomes,...every second of every day. Many a science-fiction story is based upon either this "butterfly effect" and/or this concept of multi-verses, parallel universes where if one thing changes it can set things upon alternate paths.

I too, notice patterns,...it's literally part of my job,...interpreting mechanical ventilator waveform graphics. I garden,...love plants,...flowers,...there is geometric shapes common to many plants. I love macro photography,...you really see it there,...beautiful geometric designs and patterns.

But, as you've pointed out. Behaviors can be highly unpredictable at times,...even if you are really good at interpreting behavior patterns and know someone well. Sometimes you can know pretty much everything about a person in a few days,...and at some point,...sometimes years down the road,...this person will surprise you.

There are things you can control in your life,...someone else's behavior isn't one of them, no matter how controlling and manipulative you are. Best to have that open line of communication in order to reduce that anxiety of "what's next". Just as @Gerald Wilgus implied,...it's sort of like reading the river rapids,...some people like a more exciting ride, risking getting dumped in the drink,...and others prefer a softer and safer ride. Life and relationships can be like that. It's often up to you.

 

[paloftoon]

Maybe you have a good reason to feel concerned and maybe you don't. Focus on what you can do to change that result- focus on things you can do to improve yourself and not on the individual that is of interest to you. It could be studying something, exercising, accomplishing an errand, or something that improves your independence status if you aren't already there. Something/many things that will help you regardless of the result of your encounter with said woman. This will slowly build your confidence.

It will also make you more ready for the next person that comes along if this one doesn't work out for whatever reason.