Craving recognition, then hating the praise?

[Kemetic]

Hi all,
I would like to know if this is just a "me"-thing or if you have a similar experience?

Do you have this craving where you love to perform in things that you do well?
In my case: lecturing about my favorite topics and showing off my learning and memory of facts. It's not just the reflexive info-dumping because I'm fascinated by something and just need to share it, it's the performance for an audience. I sometimes crave it. A great part of my identity and self-worth is tied to being "the smart one", I like showing off and I desire recognition of my intellect.
But then the weird thing is... when it happens, and I perform well, and then I get praised: Then suddenly it's too much and I feel, like, "Why are you so amazed, this wasn't so special, and please leave me alone now." It's really contradictory, on the one hand I crave the recognition and want to be praised, but on the other hand it tends to become too much and then I want to get out of the spotlight (the spotlight is fine while I'm performing, because that's the part I can control. But later being the center of a group and getting attention in a "small talk" situation is uncomfortable)

I had one of those today. I'm currently visiting my family and my aunt is a musician and active in her church. She and my uncle did the music for a late evening service today, and they asked me if I could come and do the reading, because they knew I had done things like this before. I agreed, I may no longer be Christian but I still have a lot of nostalgia for Christmas. And so I recited Luke 2, 1-21 in front of the congregation, and I recited from memory just because I can - this is the "performance" part. Then of course, later on, random people came up to me and were amazed that I could memorize a page of text. That's when I got the other bit were I was suddenly uncomfortable and feeling like, come on, it's just one page, that's really not so special (and I belatedly asked myself if I should just have pretended to read it from a book and avoid being a show-off)

So, have you dealt with similar situations? If yes, how do you solve or avoid it?

 

[Forest Cat]

Well, I do like to win. I have participated in various competitions. But I can't stand attention like you describe. I never wanted to be in the spotlight, far from it. It's not really something I have to deal with now, but when I was younger it happened sometimes. How did I avoid it, I just left. So rude but I did. I didn't hang around long enough to get attention, I was good at leaving fast after I was done.

 

[GypsyMoth]

Maybe there is a type of praise and recognition you yearn for, yet if the praise is not of that type, that's when you become sensitive to being self-aware in the moment? Or, maybe it has to do with who is giving the praise? How it's being done?

There's also a difference between praise and performance. You were praised for your performance, not for your ability. Sure, it's wrapped up with the ability, people were amazed with your abilty, but they're only amazed with it so far as your performance went. How many people stuck around to get to know you? Could it be this sort of praise made you self-aware because--while well-intentioned--its givers were doing so as an in-the-moment occurrence, thus somehow taking away from it some sort of genuinity or depth?

Just some ideas here. My general concern is being put up on a pedestal. It makes me feel vulnerable and self-conscious.

 

[Slime_Punk]

When I used to feel this way, I had to really contemplate what the issue was, and eventually I figured it out; the whole pursuit was extremely vain from the start, and it didn't really matter if somebody thought I was smart or interesting, especially if it was based off of something I could remember or perform better than most people.

Praise is, sometimes, just another drug that we get hooked on.

So, since then I've shifted even further away from gloating (even in the slightest sense of the word, and to the best of my abilities - although I'm not perfect). The only time I really infodump or show my skills in a particular territory is when somebody asks, or genuinely needs help with something - otherwise, I just kind of put my dumb ass persona on and pretend like I'm a moron.

I think what I'm trying to say here is that it feels better to focus on others in those scenarios, because doing something for someone else on a personal level feels much better than simply being praised and moving on. It feels so much better when I can help somebody reach an answer to a problem rather than have the end of the conversation be, "So yeah, I can do that!".

 

[VictorR]

When I'm mentoring, I tend to infodump.

Most people are okay - most are thankful, and appreciate that I beyond the standard / short answer to make sure they understood the answer and the context, but sometimes I'll have a mentee that gushes over it and then I get embarassed.

 

[Crossbreed]

Instead of fame & accolades, I [sought] a reputation of (professional) competence; to be acknowledged as a "guru," albeit a mortal one.

 

[Sherlock77]

I have struggled with that... I do want at least some recognition (as I feel utterly ignored by most people)

Yet, I also have struggled with accepting a compliment, when I almost don't feel worthy, perhaps because of what I just wrote above...

I think both perspectives are related to different viewpoints of pride, or perhaps modesty?

I almost don't know the answer myself, other than to say that I can relate...

 

[GypsyMoth]

The only time I really infodump or show my skills in a particular territory is when somebody asks, or genuinely needs help with something - otherwise, I just kind of put my dumb ass persona on and pretend like I'm a moron.

I think what I'm trying to say here is that it feels better to focus on others in those scenarios, because doing something for someone else on a personal level feels much better than simply being praised and moving on. It feels so much better when I can help somebody reach an answer to a problem rather than have the end of the conversation be, "So yeah, I can do that!".

This is very well said. That's how I feel about it. About the first part, I do what I call 'the dumb blond'. It lets people think what they want, 'cause by then they've already made it clear they don't want anything from me anyway.

About the second part, I have tried to live my public life by focusing on others. The problem with that is you are liable to forget who you are. There is no authentic self. So, everything in moderation. Masking is, I think, what one person I heard deemed the social grease that helps us all get along with one another. (Although, NT's don't mask. I don't get how they don't--surely a discussion for another thread.) But maybe it is or should be more a question of time and place and degree?

About info dumping, I think I info dump most every time I write a reply. :/
So I'll end this here.

 

[GypsyMoth]

Instead of fame & accolades, I [sought] a reputation of (professional) competence; to be acknowledged as a "guru," albeit a mortal one.

I, too, have attempted to put my career (i.e., ability) before my personal relationships (i.e., identity). Doing so saved my position at my last job. My boss--who did not like me (it was no secret)--when another coworker approached him and said, "what's she still doing here?" My boss replied, "she's earned a niche." I stayed there another 4 years, I think, before I left of my own accord.

 

[Tom]

I couldn't memorize more than one sentence, so a whole page seems amazing. Either don't show it to people or accept a compliment with good grace.

 

[Luca]

I have struggled with that... I do want at least some recognition (as I feel utterly ignored by most people)

Yet, I also have struggled with accepting a compliment, when I almost don't feel worthy, perhaps because of what I just wrote above...

I think both perspectives are related to different viewpoints of pride, or perhaps modesty?

I almost don't know the answer myself, other than to say that I can relate...

I am exactly the same way.

I do know that I have been really successful at a lot of things and accomplished a lot and have been recognized for that. But on the other hand almost everyone in my personal life ignores it, doesn’t care, or says it isn’t enough. So I always feel like I have to be more ambitious and perform better. I also believe that success is the best revenge.

But when people compliment me, a lot of times I think they’re just being polite, or even being manipulative, or being facetious. A lot of times when people who are close to me have praised or complimented me, it wasn’t genuine and fit into one of those other categories.
I also feel like I don’t deserve compliments sometimes because I have a terrible combination of generally bad self-esteem but also being an overachiever and perfectionist, and suffering from extreme overconfidence in things that I know I am good at.

Probably none of that made any sense.

I need help lol. I’m clearly deeply traumatized

 

[Sherlock77]

I am exactly the same way.

I do know that I have been really successful at a lot of things and accomplished a lot and have been recognized for that. But on the other hand almost everyone in my personal life ignores it, doesn’t care, or says it isn’t enough. So I always feel like I have to be more ambitious and perform better. I also believe that success is the best revenge.

But when people compliment me, a lot of times I think they’re just being polite, or even being manipulative, or being facetious. A lot of times when people who are close to me have praised or complimented me, it wasn’t genuine and fit into one of those other categories.
I also feel like I don’t deserve compliments sometimes because I have a terrible combination of generally bad self-esteem but also being an overachiever and perfectionist, and suffering from extreme overconfidence in things that I know I am good at.

Probably none of that made any sense.

I need help lol. I’m clearly deeply traumatized

I feel like I'm the opposite, when asked to make a list of accomplishments I feel like there is hardly anything to put on it, or things I have been recognized for... I had that struggle (list of accomplishments) a couple years ago when taking an employment skills workshop, as everyone else had specific accomplishments spilling out of their life...

Perhaps it's what I define as an accomplishment (too narrow?)

I do get some compliments from friends, I think they mean it, but when my list of accomplishments is pretty much non-existent, I often have trouble believing them

And the professionals pretty much just ignore me, almost like it's a secret club that I will never attain

 

[Mr. Stevens]

I relate to this and resolve it by asking what will happen if I indulge each. "If I go down this path, where will it lead me?"

It's great to be recognized, but craving recognition will lead to a lot of misery and living for others. Living for their perception of me, or what I think that perception is. So this is a dead end and I realize I don't want to focus on that. I can be happy enough with my own work.

As far as hating praise, I ask myself why I feel conflicting things when I get praise, sometimes. Then I realize I don't hate praise, but may feel the following: 1) Fear to perform and always be that successful; 2) Fear the praise is sarcastic and will turn into an insult; or 3) Fear they are just being polite. These mostly have to do with prior bad experience, and the last one has to do with affect seeming exaggerated to me. So once I understand that, I can better appreciate their praise. I think of how they treated me in the past and put their current behavior in that context.

 

[Kemetic]

Maybe there is a type of praise and recognition you yearn for, yet if the praise is not of that type, that's when you become sensitive to being self-aware in the moment? Or, maybe it has to do with who is giving the praise? How it's being done?

There's also a difference between praise and performance. You were praised for your performance, not for your ability. Sure, it's wrapped up with the ability, people were amazed with your abilty, but they're only amazed with it so far as your performance went. How many people stuck around to get to know you? Could it be this sort of praise made you self-aware because--while well-intentioned--its givers were doing so as an in-the-moment occurrence, thus somehow taking away from it some sort of genuinity or depth?

Just some ideas here. My general concern is being put up on a pedestal. It makes me feel vulnerable and self-conscious.

Thank you for your thoughts! I don't think it's the "how" or the "who", though - it's more general...

 

[Kemetic]

Praise is, sometimes, just another drug that we get hooked on.

True! I don't know if I can wean myself off that drug entirely yet, but it's an excellent point to keep in mind.

 

[Kemetic]

I also feel like I don’t deserve compliments sometimes because I have a terrible combination of generally bad self-esteem but also being an overachiever and perfectionist, and suffering from extreme overconfidence in things that I know I am good at.

Probably none of that made any sense.

Oh, it makes sense! It's just a horrible combination of traits to have... My life has become so much easier since I was able to let go of some of my perfectionist habits.

 

[Running Girl]

I get a lot of positive attention for art (I'm in an art class currently), or for poetry I've read publicly (absolutely a performance) or even "telling my. Story" in a 12 step program. I can work an audience. What I cant do well is have conversations. So after the performance (whatever it is),and after the praise, and after I say "thank you" then it seems like maybe a conversation is required. So I feel like the actual me never matches up to the performance. And maybe people were expecting a great conversation and are now disappointed! And then I'm uncomfortable.

 

[Toryrutter]

Perhaps there is a certain kind of praise and acknowledgment you desire for, but when it is not given, you become sensitive to the need for momentary self-awareness? Or perhaps it has to do with the person who is praising you? How is it carried out?

 

[N2k12]

i dont crave recognition, but sometimes it's nice to know you are doing the right thing, and have helped someone else. so you can repeat the behaviour. for me, it tells me what people "expect " of me, without being directly told. although when they do give me credit, i don't feel much, and i feel embarrassed and really anxious inside. i just tell the person "all good" or "you are welcome " or "no worries" and leave it at that

 

[Dagan]

I just recently wrote about this in another thread. It's a struggle, yes. Most of what I do is creative work and has to become popular to generate profit, but I never want anything to do with the promotion, marketing, branding, selling myself, etc. I can't handle it much. I can do a little bit, but I would jump into a chasm hiding out if some kind of TMZ people started after me every day. Thankfully a team of others usually do all of that, and I have adopted stage names since 2009, too. I feel way less anxiety and a lot more free since then. I just want to create and hopefully entertain some and at least be respected for the work I put into it all - and it probably sounds like a contradiction, but I can't stand when someone tries to take credit for my work. I definitely understand this kind of thing.