Hi all, I was wondering if you guys can help me figure out a situation I'm dealing with. Basically I attend a local agency that provides assistance to disabled individuals in the community recently the agency move to a new office with plenty of space for recreational activities and socializing. I am on the spectrum, diagnosed with Asperger's back when it was still an official diagnosis. Recently this new girl started coming to the office. It was pretty much love at first sight for me. From what I gather she seems to suffer from a slightly more severe form of autism (probably what would have been considered classic high-functioning Autism before the 2013 DSM IV changes). We seem to share a lot of similarities and have similar interests despite this and even some physical resemblance as well. She honestly reminds me of myself when I was much younger, before the sometimes cruel world forced me to grow up. Her view of the world is so unique and special, I just don't have any words for it. The trouble is that she's 20 and I'm 27. I was not aware of how young she was when this crush began in fact I only found out her age more recently it took some convincing from my therapist for me to even consider asking her out. The trouble is that this girl can be a bit bossy and rude sometimes. I do not believe it is intentional most of the time but it makes me very uneasy at times. I've been very cautious approaching her but I've had some success joining her and doing ironically yes puzzles that seems to be a favorite activity of hers. She is very shy though and very hard to engage with at times. The first time I did a puzzle with her she seemed to be in a really good mood and actually very social and was very patient with me doing the puzzle with her. The next time we were at the office together, I sat next to her in the lounge room on one of the couches. I saw her looking at my phone where I was editing my YouTube channel so I told her a little bit about the YouTube channel and Asked to see one of the videos which I showed her. I also noticed she was messing around with some videos on tik tok on her phone so I asked her if she makes videos and she didn't really answer, but kept making these little stimming noises talking to herself and for some reason probably because of my own autism always think everyone's talking to me when they're not, because of issues processing sounds from the room so I ended up asking her "What?" To which she (understandably) became upset and said, "My videos are just really personal okay??" I was a bit startled so I said nothing further. We both sat on the couch until her mentor with the agency (each of us has one) told her it was time to go so she could take her home. The very next time I saw her was in our fitness room at the agency the following week. I decided to apologize and told her I'm sorry if I made her upset last week to which she said it was okay. She seemed very flat with her response so I felt like she was mad at me so I left the fitness room at that point. However later when walking back down the hall towards the fitness room I passed her as she was coming out and she looked at me with this long lingering sad look I don't really know how else to describe the look but I really felt like at the very least she had something important to tell me. The rest of the time at the office that day just about anytime I looked up I would see her looking at me even if she was across the room. at the very least it seemed like she had something important to tell me. After this point though she has become more withdrawn being very quiet around me (she is extremely shy anyway but it seemed to be worse around me) and even leaving puzzles she was doing when I tried to join saying "You can have my spot". This went on for a few weeks until coming to a boiling point yesterday. Yesterday at the office her and her mentor were making a pizza in the agency's kitchen. I asked if I could join them to which she happily replied "Yes!" Everything was going well until I put the pepperoni on the pizza. She had originally said that she only wanted pepperoni on one side but I thought I heard her mentor say they should have it on both sides so I started putting it on both sides and she got all upset and said "I SAID I ONLY WANTED PEPPERONI ON ONE SIDE" which triggered my horrible habit of over apologizing. I apologized a bunch of times within the span of a minute which seemed to annoy her even more and she even fired back with "I SAID ITS FINE". Shortly after that we put the pizza in the oven she went off to do the puzzle that was out with another girl who was working on the puzzle. Me, being great at making every situation 100 times worse decided to go and try to do the puzzle with her right then and there. She huffed and stood up as soon as I went over there and asked to join. I told her she didn't have to leave because of me and that we could all do the puzzle which is basically what happened last time and she just said it was fine. Usually when we do puzzles though she hands me the pieces of the sections I'm working on but today she refused to give me any pieces. I even tried to help her hand the pieces to the other girl who was kind of across the table and she just angrily jammed her hand past mine to give it to her. She also kept asking her mentor if they could go to the library or go for a walk because it was too "crowded". Eventually I left the room realizing that it was probably best for me to get away from there. Her and her mentor ended up going for a long walk and when they came back the mentor got my attention and said that the girl had something to say to me and she apologized. She honestly looks so ashamed part of me wanted to grab her hand and tell her that it's okay and I have autism too when I understand what it's like to be completely overwhelmed but I just felt completely drained for the day. I'll add that for a long time I've been unsure if she is uncomfortable around me, if she wants to be just friends or if she is interested in a relationship. I have a lot of issues with negative self-talk and intrusive negative thoughts so it makes it very hard to navigate this on my own and I tend to lean towards the negative but now I wonder if that's how it is. I've managed to upset her so many times now I don't even know if any of this is even possible. Her mentor insisted that I don't make her uncomfortable and it's just the overstimulation of the office but some of her borderline rude behavior has me really concerned. I really love this girl though I really see myself and her and I'm able to see past some of the negative qualities and go right to the positive in her. She seems to have had a more sheltered upbringing perhaps a little bit more of an accepting household than what I grew up in I was more taught to conform in some ways rather than embrace who I am at times. I'm really struggling with this. My own mentor at this agency immediately recognized what was going on and said apparently that everyone's been aware of my crush on her there for quite some time it feels really weird and awkward having it all out in the open like that. I had started a tik tok so I could try to communicate with her that way, but being fed up I decided to unfollow her. Immediately after I felt bad about that decision though so I re-followed her and she not only accepted my follow request but also followed me back which she didn't do before. My mentor is saying it would be better to be just friends with her and not date someone that's part of the agency but that it's also ultimately my choice. I just really don't know what to do this girl is beautiful inside and out and I see her as a potential soulmate but some of these standoffish behaviors have me really confused and overthinking and part of me wonders if I just plain make her uncomfortable. I'm hoping you guys can help I'm really lost here.
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Crush on fellow aspie
- Thread starter Bikeman94
- Start date
Hey, sounds confusing to me. But my life is confusing too.
More importantly, welcome to the forum. There a lots of relationship posts to read because communication is an important aspect lacking in alot of relationships if either one of you is nurodiverse.
More importantly, welcome to the forum. There a lots of relationship posts to read because communication is an important aspect lacking in alot of relationships if either one of you is nurodiverse.
Normally like likes, like except in physics electrons and protons do not like each other.
Thank you for the welcome sorry about the lack of paragraphs I had to type it out in a blank text on my phone because my browser app kept crashing
Based on what I have read, she may like you, but is a bit unsure typical for women, they have more to lose in relationships consequence's pregnancy if things get really serious. little tricks good hygiene, shower at least once a day, keep your nails clean they use subconscious clues to determine whether to move forward. She is probably not even aware as she checks you out as a potential mate. Us Aspies make good mates
Thank you for the welcome sorry about the lack of paragraphs I had to type it out in a blank text on my phone because my browser app kept crashing
Yeah I've been using pretty good hygiene all along it seems like everything was going well it was just the day with the pizza the most recent time that seemed to be the problem but upon doing some further reading it looks like she was experiencing a meltdown which would explain the somewhat hostile standoffish behavior. My family is advising against it though, because apparently having a tantrum over a pizza is just not acceptable no matter the reason . Shes a very sweet girl outside of the tantrums
Keep in mind some of us Aspie's are picky about order I only use certain cups spoons and forks and knives, even plates at home. You probably irritated her temporarily, breaking her feeling of order now she is not sure how to apologize. I would move slow with her this not the same as two NT's getting together, more like two spiders, with the male avoiding getting killed.
Another analogy would be two massive black holes circling each before they finally merge.
Another analogy would be two massive black holes circling each before they finally merge.
Yeah
yeah and I also made it like 20 times worse by apologizing to her constantly because I didn't realize she was having a meltdown I have severe social anxiety and I thought she was just being mean. She actually did apologize too her and her mentor took a walk and when they came back they both went up to me and she apologized. She's still avoided me the rest of the time though but later that day was when she followed me back on tick tock and also accepted my follow request
Also I love your analogy about the black holes and the spiders
I can read other people even when you write about them as you are one of us, I have no doubt what you described is accurate, so easy to figure out. even her behavior is sort of predictable. Take it slow she is probably surprised some one likes her as she is used to being by herself. Get to know her conventional dating may not work neither of you are NT.
You have established quite clearly that you are in love with her and see her as a potential soulmate. While it does seem like she might "like" you, that doesn't necessarily mean that she "loves" you, which is not the same. Perhaps she would like to be your friend, but isn't interesting in anything more than that. I feel like you are coming off too strong to her. You also mentioned how your mentor told you that everyone had seen how you have a crush on her, but it doesn't sound like he told you that she has a crush on you.
For now, I recommend sticking to your mentor's advice and try to just stay friends for now, even though it can be frustrating, and see how things turn out. Perhaps things change and she will gain noticeably more interest in you, but maybe they won't and in that case you'll still have a friend.
For me personally, I had a crush on someone for maybe a year. At the end of a conversation where I actually really angered her (and then apologized profusely like you mentioned doing, though I do it much less now), she told me that she had feelings for me and our relationship began. She told me that she had actually known that I had a crush on her since six months before, but she didn't start to fall in love with me till shortly before that conversation. She is not on the spectrum, but I think the same principle can hold.
To be clear, I'm not telling you to never ask her out or to completely suppress your feelings, just that I agree with @Ronald Zeeman in that I think you need to slow down and see if things change between you before doing anything drastic. At this point, I prefer good friends over soulmates.
For now, I recommend sticking to your mentor's advice and try to just stay friends for now, even though it can be frustrating, and see how things turn out. Perhaps things change and she will gain noticeably more interest in you, but maybe they won't and in that case you'll still have a friend.
For me personally, I had a crush on someone for maybe a year. At the end of a conversation where I actually really angered her (and then apologized profusely like you mentioned doing, though I do it much less now), she told me that she had feelings for me and our relationship began. She told me that she had actually known that I had a crush on her since six months before, but she didn't start to fall in love with me till shortly before that conversation. She is not on the spectrum, but I think the same principle can hold.
To be clear, I'm not telling you to never ask her out or to completely suppress your feelings, just that I agree with @Ronald Zeeman in that I think you need to slow down and see if things change between you before doing anything drastic. At this point, I prefer good friends over soulmates.
Good advice we Aspies are loners take our time letting someone else in. so take it slow. You do not to be the praying mantis head taken off body eaten for nourishment.
I am open to being in whatever type of relationship
I agree I am very open to options it does not have to be a "conventional" realtionship. I'd like to get to know her as a friend first to be honest too
I agree I am very open to options it does not have to be a "conventional" realtionship. I'd like to get to know her as a friend first to be honest too
Yeah I think I do understand her better already now that I realize it's just hard because she's really sweet but it doesn't take much to have said her and then once she's upset she gets hostile a lot of people have told me to run for the hills but I don't think she's truly mean and nasty even that same day she was talking about how she wanted to make sure there is room in the kitchen for everybody and how she wants to make sure everyone's always included
I just don't understand even after she apologized she avoided me the rest of the day but then she also added me on tick tock later so I'm just not sure. I tried messaging her on there but she didn't reply
The part that makes all of this so hard is everyone I've asked for advice thus far including p people that know her have said that I am not making her uncomfortable in any way but my gut tells me I am. However my gut feelings are not always reliable so I'm just not sure whats going on, as another user said a lot of my decisions are dictated by anxiety and I have conflicting "gut feelings" not just about this situation but about every situation just about can never tell if it's a real notion I'm picking up on or if it's just my anxiety and paranoia and past bad experiences haunting me
The mentor is also all over the place he is very dramatic and he told me three different things in the course of 15 minutes the first being that she's horrible and rude and that she makes everybody uncomfortable because she clearly hates being there so much and then he said that I should probably be friends with her and then suggested that some of her rude behavior might have been because she's also having some feelings too so I'm not really sure what even happened there unfortunately the agency I work at the mentors are paid minimum wage and the job requires a college degree so it doesn't always attract the best or most understanding people although the mentor that this girl works with is really good
Men and women are not that different, they just have to balance different risks when it comes to relationships. Us Aspies are different when it comes to friendships, we are by nature loners we like to evaluate potential friendships carefully, before allowing someone into our circle I have lost a few friends over the years drifted away, death, retirement. one of the main reasons I joined this site, two years of Covid and the stroke did not help. Thas why I do not come across like the typical person on this site I Actually enjoy being on the spectrum. and like helping my fellows who may not have been as fortunate.
Give her time she is processing whether to accept you as a friend or start a relationship. Sounds you are doing like right things so far, do not let your apprehension get the better of you.
Give her time she is processing whether to accept you as a friend or start a relationship. Sounds you are doing like right things so far, do not let your apprehension get the better of you.
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