Cynical Observer of my Diagnosis

[Gummi27]

"You were fine before your diagnosis." "You've acted more autistic after your diagnosis." "You were more social before your diagnosis."

I can't even begin to find a way to respond to such comments. They erase me in a way. They deny my existence. They suggest my mind is unreal or an act.

Of course I am different after my diagnosis. First of all, think of what I have had to go through after such a diagnosis. It's like reliving your life and seeing every moment where you were let down, fell through the cracks, punished.

Then you realize by communicating with others on the spectrum or with a specialist, you don't have to work so hard anymore. You can be yourself. Suddenly it's okay to stim. It's okay to self soothe, it becomes okay to say "this room is too bright." Or "this situation is too much".

There is one person in particular who has not been there for the duration of my life who is saying these things. They never saw my growing up. The battles, the trauma, the struggle to mask and move along.

I am real. I am Aspie. You do not know my mind. This is me, free of societal expectations. This is me living. You do not own my mind nor decide what is in it.

Get out of my way, and let me be!
Oh, *sigh* How do I easily shut someone like this down?

 

[Judge]

How do I easily shut someone like this down?

Ghost them. Permanently.

In this instance, take no prisoners.

 

[shysnail]

It's really rough to go through this with people. I think a lot of NT people have a hard time understanding autistic people who want to be autistic people, not pass for NT. As you say, it's taking away your validation to make out like you're only 'acting' autistic just because you're not fighting it anymore.

 

[Judge]

Most people don't have a clue of how physically and emotionally taxing it can be to mask one's autistic traits and behaviors just to routinely accommodate a social majority who for the most part doesn't understand and has no real way to relate to such things.

So if people want to aggressively reject your recently diagnosed autism, it may be best to simply drop them from your orbit. None of us need that kind of toxicity in our lives.

 

[GadAbout]

The above suggestions are good, as far as they go, but if it's someone you can't just avoid - say, a family member you aren't ready to become estranged from - practice saying a sentence that explains yourself in your own terms, until you can say it to them when needed. Such as, "your remark invalidates my experience, and I don't want to discuss my diagnosis with you further." (But that's in my words - make up one in your own words.)

This is an assertive approach rather than an avoidant one. It's usually harder to be assertive than avoidant, but it often yields better outcomes.

 

[Major Tom]

That is one of the reasons I never tell anyone I was diagnosed.

 

[Michael Balog]

That post was fantastic and describes how I have been since my diagnosis. It's hard for people to get that you have a problem, they dont like to see that things are wrong with you. They don't realize how hard you work on a daily basis to seem normal.

 

[Fino]

If the relationship is important to you, send them what you just wrote here. If they don't respond well, say bye!

 

[All-Rounder]

I don't think they believe the diagnosis is correct, since you practically wore a mask which they are still believing or finding it hard to let go to, maybe a sudden change, but with your explanation they may understand why that is and who you truly are.

 

[Progster]

On receiving such a diagnosis, there is a lot to process and think about, and unless you have been through it yourself, you can't possibly know what it is like to have this realization about yourself, to be diagnosed and then re-evaluate your life, all your experiences, thoughts, feelings and relationships. Unless they have been through it, they aren't in a position to judge. People don't own your feelings and experiences, you do. People can't tell you how to feel or how to be you.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

You were fine before your diagnosis." "You've acted more autistic after your diagnosis." "You were more social before your diagnosis."

Why not accept me as I am?

I don't diagnose you all day long, why not give me the same respect?


Part 2.

If they still do it - diagnose them back.

Betcha you can make a better job of it than they can.

 

[Vindicator Phoenix]

Well spoken, Gummi!
You're awesome!
Keep being yourself, and stick with the nice people.

 

[Pats]

I've run into the same thing with family - and the weirdness they claim is just who I've always been - no diagnosis attached to it. I don't care - and I let them know that it's fine, just the diagnosis has helped me understand myself and accept who I am and that's all that matters. My kids all were very accepting and had more of an 'oh that make sense' view. They probably seen me better than I seen myself.

My daughter in law doesn't question my diagnosis and can see it making sense and all, but she tends to respond to my son as it suddenly excuses him from being who he is and will not accept some things - like his not needing friends. I guess because he had a friend in high school and they continued to do things after high school, as couples got together and did things. But when they had a falling out Tim never tried to contact him again and my DIL doesn't get it and can't accept that he doesn't need that.

 

[Edward764]

That post was fantastic and describes how I have been since my diagnosis. It's hard for people to get that you have a problem, they dont like to see that things are wrong with you. They don't realize how hard you work on a daily basis to seem normal.

There are many who will not accept ones diagnosis because ones appearance of normalcy does not follow their stereotype of autism.

I actually did exhibit many of the stereotyped behaviors back in the 60's. but was ironically never diagnosed with autism.

As far as these ignorant people are concerned, if you are not twitching your fingers, rocking back and forth, running around, and making funny noises, than you must not be autistic.
If you are succeeding at work or at school, then you must not be autistic.

I would let the naysayers know that not all with autism exhibit the stereotyped behavior, and that most people with autism act and look more like you than the stereotype.

 

[Jojo_LB]

So sorry you're having to deal with these ignorant clueless fools.

I still grapple with feelings of self-doubt and confusion every so often, and I'm in my mid-30's. Some days I feel better and more confident about being myself. Other days I feel like yelling obscenities to or hiding from everyone 'cause they just don't get it. They never have, they never will.

Story of our lives. Especially those of us who identify or are labeled as "female."

When I feel like no one else understands me, I hang around a lot more in my autistic communities. Usually, they're online 'cause I don't personally know anyone else who is autistic. I've been making more of an effort to find communities in my city.

I recently found a couple of groups, and I have even found a place here in my city that was made specifically for autistic women (ALL women, including trans), and nonbinary/genderqueer/gender noncomforming folks who were/are assigned female. We face unique challenges because a lot of people don't believe us, they're quick to dismiss our experiences, self-knowledge, and perceptions. They don't know about our tendencies to mask and internalize all the criticisms we were forced to hear.

Put simply, we're surrounded by a bunch of willfully ignorant jerks who find it's too much effort to think beyond their limited and insular worldview.

At the end of the day, anyone who has the audacity to doubt your experiences simply because they'd never experienced it themselves, is clueless and very insecure in themselves, and pathetically try to fill the emptiness within themselves by picking on others they deem easy targets.

And there really is no "easy" way to shut people like this down, unfortunately. Because once they see any tiny evidence of "getting" to you, they will continue.

Now, I don't know what you feel comfortable doing, so I'll just tell you what I've done and continue to do. I just cut people out. *shrug* I mean, I don't suddenly ghost them or anything. I say something like, "I'm really tired of the constant nonsense you keep spewing about things of which you know absolutely nothing. If you don't cut it out, I'll cut you out."

I've had to do that with a few people in my life. It hurts, but removing that negativity did so much good for my mental health. I realized that the more negativity I removed, the more energy I was able to free up for myself to continue living as I was always meant to live, free and authentically.

Do whatever is best for you to free yourself from this crappy negativity. Erasure is dehumanizing. You don't need anymore of that crap.

 

[RMX07]

I’m sorry this is happening to you. It’s not a great situation, though probably comes with the territory. And I can relate quite a bit after having just received an informal diagnosis and telling my partner and my parents. My mother refuses to accept it, and it’s to the point where I’m considering always masking around my parents just like I’ve always done as an adult because it’s what they expect, and I’m not sure I have the stamina for the inevitable “you’re acting more autistic now than before your diagnosis” conversation. Fortunately, my partner is the most understanding and accepting person in the world, so that helps immensely.

Part of me feels like I need to make it my mission to educate people like this, though; the people who have no idea what it’s like to have to camouflage to fit in, to live in a world built for NTs where our default state of being is uncomfortable almost everywhere we go. I feel like because I have the ability to communicate effectively (mostly in writing), I should take on this role, for myself and for those who cannot. I dunno, I guess the overwhelming need for fairness is an Aspie thing, too.

But it does prompt the question of whether we just shut out people like this from our lives, or whether it’s worth our while to educate others.