Dammed If I do, and Dammed If I dont

[Turk]

In a effort to curb my opinions, over the years, ive adopted a somewhat passive role in conversation. It almost borders on small talk, simply because, people seem to be easily offended. Someone close to me, told me recently, that im not real, or do I know how to have a real conversation. With emphasis on having a difference of opinion and being ok with another viewpoint, that may contradict yours. Where there is no right or wrong, just perceptions. Seems simple doesnt it. Previous conversations involving differing opinions and possible conflict , have had me either, attack or defend, something im very mindful of, and why im so passive these days.
Imagine my suprize, in an attempt to be real, I express a difference of opinion, in the most delicate of terms, only to have it seen as adversarial. This very same person has become aggressive, then defensive. Still maintaining my composure, while respecting their view, I try every avenue of civil behaviour, to acknowledge their opinion, while trying to validate mine. This person then played the Asperger card, in order to end this conversation. Do NT's really know what they want from us. They dont like me as a passive entity, but cant deal with what they've asked for. Does anyone understand any of this, because I sure as hell dont

 

[Warwick C]

they probably don't know what they want from some one with aspergers, because they don't want
the truth. Then we are suppose to see every thing as black and white not in shades as they think
we should.

 

[tlc]

Sounds a lot like me. I get coworkers saying stuff like "geez, sorry I asked". So for the most part I just stay out of it.

I think the point of small talk is to just babble and fill audio space, with no strings attached. If it means anything for real it's too "heavy", whether we agree or disagree. An aspie trait seems to be that we can only talk about things that actually mean something to us.

It's like their definition of being real is to not be real at all.

 

[Ste11aeres]

I think this person had, in their imagination, built up an idea of what that "real, in depth" conversation would be. When you started talking, it turned out the reality was not like the picture in their imagination.

 

[nowwhat]

They want more butt-sniffing, less cerebral, which we're not equipped to do.

Apply workaround, mitigate damages and avoid conflicts and arguments about subject matter, which as they are actually between people speaking two different languages, always in vain. Learn to see it coming and don't go there. That's the best I've been able to come up with, except with one or two, very cerebral NT friends.

Boilerplate apologies are good for defusing accusations of robotic, cold unfeeling insincere behavior. And depending on the person, I will out myself as aspie at that point, if I think there's any hope of them getting it.

 

[rollerskate]

They want more butt-sniffing, less cerebral, which we're not equipped to do.

I absolutely love what you just called small talk. I gotta remember that! :-D

 

[rollerskate]

BTW, just wondering, anyone here thought before that they WERE doing small talk only to be informed somehow that they're not? Like, to me, this entire discussion has been small talk....

 

[Spinosaurus kin]

In a effort to curb my opinions, over the years, ive adopted a somewhat passive role in conversation. It almost borders on small talk, simply because, people seem to be easily offended. Someone close to me, told me recently, that im not real, or do I know how to have a real conversation. With emphasis on having a difference of opinion and being ok with another viewpoint, that may contradict yours. Where there is no right or wrong, just perceptions. Seems simple doesnt it. Previous conversations involving differing opinions and possible conflict , have had me either, attack or defend, something im very mindful of, and why im so passive these days.
Imagine my suprize, in an attempt to be real, I express a difference of opinion, in the most delicate of terms, only to have it seen as adversarial. This very same person has become aggressive, then defensive. Still maintaining my composure, while respecting their view, I try every avenue of civil behaviour, to acknowledge their opinion, while trying to validate mine. This person then played the Asperger card, in order to end this conversation. Do NT's really know what they want from us. They dont like me as a passive entity, but cant deal with what they've asked for. Does anyone understand any of this, because I sure as hell dont

This is what I fear will happen to me in later life. I have very strong opinions on things, and people who employ strict apathy to certain issues for fear of caring too much, end up trying to steer me away from that line of conversation (on some occasions, one member of that group will purposefully start me off on that kind of conversation purely to annoy the others).
But I am trying to keep this part of me alive, for I do not want to become an uncaring zombie, or someone who just doesn't talk too much about those areas, as it interests me.

I think I just like debating too much. I want to seek out my rival and test myself in a battle of wits. To see whose logic is greater, and if they have a strong enough argument to sway me. But I can't find many of these kinds of people. On most issues, I am likely to agree beforehand with most that would even have any interest in debating with me, and I just am unable to play devil's advocate for the sake of argumentation.

 

[rollerskate]

This is what I fear will happen to me in later life. I have very strong opinions on things, and people who employ strict apathy to certain issues for fear of caring too much, end up trying to steer me away from that line of conversation (on some occasions, one member of that group will purposefully start me off on that kind of conversation purely to annoy the others).
But I am trying to keep this part of me alive, for I do not want to become an uncaring zombie, or someone who just doesn't talk too much about those areas, as it interests me.

I think I just like debating too much. I want to seek out my rival and test myself in a battle of wits. To see whose logic is greater, and if they have a strong enough argument to sway me. But I can't find many of these kinds of people. On most issues, I am likely to agree beforehand with most that would even have any interest in debating with me, and I just am unable to play devil's advocate for the sake of argumentation.

I totally get that, I'm the same way. But something I've noticed is even if you "win", the other person often doesn't recognize it either because you just went above their heads or because they're now upset and are determined to not let that be the end of it. Very rare to find someone that will recognize it and bow out gracefully, making the necessary amendments to their initial conclusion.

 

[Autism]

In a effort to curb my opinions, over the years, ive adopted a somewhat passive role in conversation. It almost borders on small talk, simply because, people seem to be easily offended. Someone close to me, told me recently, that im not real, or do I know how to have a real conversation. With emphasis on having a difference of opinion and being ok with another viewpoint, that may contradict yours. Where there is no right or wrong, just perceptions. Seems simple doesnt it. Previous conversations involving differing opinions and possible conflict , have had me either, attack or defend, something im very mindful of, and why im so passive these days.
Imagine my suprize, in an attempt to be real, I express a difference of opinion, in the most delicate of terms, only to have it seen as adversarial. This very same person has become aggressive, then defensive. Still maintaining my composure, while respecting their view, I try every avenue of civil behaviour, to acknowledge their opinion, while trying to validate mine. This person then played the Asperger card, in order to end this conversation. Do NT's really know what they want from us. They dont like me as a passive entity, but cant deal with what they've asked for. Does anyone understand any of this, because I sure as hell dont

I do not understand people like that either, because they can not carry regular conversations without lashing out and getting personal. Have noticed that a lot of Americans completely misidentify personal with professional and educational purposes.
Have noticed that a lot of Americans assume falsely so many things I do not bother to enlighten them anymore, waste of time.
Do not bend to the opinion of people that do not understand you and therefore judge you. You are so much more important than such a self important and suggestive person.
I do not bend to the opinion of people who show nothing but contempt when they do not get what they want. I will never bend in that case.

 

[nowwhat]

I absolutely love what you just called small talk. I gotta remember that! :-D

I have cats and the behaviors obviously serve the same purpose.

 

[epath13]

been there they are probably got used to a specific image of you and when you attempted to be the real you, it was ... sort of a shock for them... I guess not all people are like that, some people are more flexible, and when they see that person't opinion, behavior or whatnot have changed, they go with it, or try to figure out why... some people prefer their friends "stable", same, never changing. Plus some people are also very quick to jump to conclusions about a person without trying to figure out what's really going on. I wouldn't worry about it too much... a lot of folks I have personally encountered are like that but not all people are like that... there're plenty of curious minds out there...

 

[Tarragon]

Ahhhh, my opinions upset people most of the time! My closest people know a little bit more about me, but even so there's only one person who I can truly be myself with. I think I'm lucky that there's one!

Small talk is something incredible dull, and I have learnt to do it a little by having old neighbours who prattle on about utter rubbish which is the best they have got to fill their minds with! I suppose "ignorance is bliss" etc, but some people seem so blissful that all they can talk about is the weather or what their other neighbours are up to! In the meantime, I continue to fill my time with interesting things a little more complex than that!!!

So, yup, I totally get the "damned if I do, damned if I don't" problem. I try to appear interested enough to talk about other peoples crap, but I reckon they can sense I am totally uninterested in it really!