Dangerous thoughts.

[Gerald Wilgus]

So, I started on this forum for information that I can use, perhaps helping others as an object lesson, and to while away time. I have interacted with many here and have gotten to understand a few. I find myself liking many and have felt happy to hear from guys who have overcome social difficulties to find connection and have felt frustrated by those still struggling when I think they are intelligent enough to learn to advocate for theirself. I also appreciate the various women here, each with their strengths. I am happy to know you all. There has been times where I was honored to help somebody's daughter with math, and hope to meet a kind guy and his sons in my area when my health is straightened out.

I have been helped considerably by my knowing you and the advice and support you give. Now I find myself seeing some as friends and have feelings that I have not had in a while about appreciating them as people, not just as words in a post. As I go through therapy, I feel emotions opening up, and not merely towards my accepting spouse who I still love deeply. There are those who I especially see as valuable people. The problem is, seeing some here as friends I am starting to have emotions towards them. I am concerned about their state of mind, sad at times, rejoicing with their victories at other times. I care for them.

When I look forward to their posts and comments I worry about thinking that our communication is more than polite and helpful banter. I neither want to feel that what they write has little meaning to me nor do I want to embarrass somebody with effusive emotions that go beyond honest friendliness. As with anything dealing with social communication I sometimes feel confused by my emotions even as at times they make me feel alive. I do not know if it is healthy to feel that some here have special meaning for me?

Yet in all of this you all are meaningful to me. Thank you for listening. This is hard for me.

 

[tree]

Brought this to mind:

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Brought this to mind:

View attachment 85038

I hope I will not be so dispatched

 

[Aspychata]

It's amazing, we grow on people like barnacles. Lol

 

[1ForAll]

So, I started on this forum for information that I can use, perhaps helping others as an object lesson, and to while away time. I have interacted with many here and have gotten to understand a few. I find myself liking many and have felt happy to hear from guys who have overcome social difficulties to find connection and have felt frustrated by those still struggling when I think they are intelligent enough to learn to advocate for theirself. I also appreciate the various women here, each with their strengths. I am happy to know you all. There has been times where I was honored to help somebody's daughter with math, and hope to meet a kind guy and his sons in my area when my health is straightened out.

I have been helped considerably by my knowing you and the advice and support you give. Now I find myself seeing some as friends and have feelings that I have not had in a while about appreciating them as people, not just as words in a post. As I go through therapy, I feel emotions opening up, and not merely towards my accepting spouse who I still love deeply. There are those who I especially see as valuable people. The problem is, seeing some here as friends I am starting to have emotions towards them. I am concerned about their state of mind, sad at times, rejoicing with their victories at other times. I care for them.

When I look forward to their posts and comments I worry about thinking that our communication is more than polite and helpful banter. I neither want to feel that what they write has little meaning to me nor do I want to embarrass somebody with effusive emotions that go beyond honest friendliness. As with anything dealing with social communication I sometimes feel confused by my emotions even as at times they make me feel alive. I do not know if it is healthy to feel that some here have special meaning for me?

Yet in all of this you all are meaningful to me. Thank you for listening. This is hard for me.

Thanks for opening up there Gerald. I relate there, from what I think you are saying. In my case, I am so much used to keeping a distance from persons in terms of my emotions as well. Whether this is just Autism related or part of my umerous years of failed social life experiences, or a combination, it is just hard for me to get too close to others, but there are times my mind feels a closer connection with another/others, and I'll notice I either open up more, or I'll instinctively feel their pains more or want to assist more.

As empathetic and assisting as I am, I think in my case it's just natural to keep an even keel with persons until I see they see me as a fit and/or until I sense they are compatible or accepting of me or wanting to talk to me and open, despite any differences. Then I usually am more instinctively free in expressing in more ways and feeling somewhat closer. But yes, that can be scary in ways, like if we feel such extra emotion is atypical, or if upsets the status quo or if we sense it can create more future pain, if the other(s) don't accept or appreciate that or feel the same.

So, it's hard for me as well to, early on, or until I feel more safe and secure doing so, to let myself totally up in terms of letting my emotions get involved too much or in showing happiness and sadness much, as I usually just focus on being more factual, calm, easygoing and/or polite, and focusing of topics of interest, doing activities together, and just assisting others or focusing on communications without getting too emotional or close, as I grew up assuming others later would critique or reject me.

There are a few others on the forum I gave a chance to open up together with, but they seemed to have other needs or just were not wanting, able or ready to. I usually took no offense there, and especially if they seemed fair to me, or if the encounters were set up to be briefer or if I sensed the other just had difficulties showing, feeling, understanding or processing certain things. In these cases, I told myself the persons just likely had different abilities, limitations, interests and needs, and I assumed they'd resume contacts with me when they like or were able.

As well, I understand someone usually has to break things off or back away for communications, unless there was mutual interest in keeping the communications going, and yet it usually never is me to do that as I'm too aware of those pains of social rejection, so I try never to reject others there that made similar efforts and that has similar needs. Most I have contacted online, through emails, messaging and forums were really nice and I liked, or they had something about their personality and interests I liked or found interesting, but I felt their longer-term needs seemed different, or I sensed they wanted shorter term contacts, or something different. And that was fine as well.

So, as empathetic as I am, it does take some time for me to start to really feel closer to someone and to feel their pains and really want to be there for them in many ways, and it's usually when I sense the other/others would do the same for me. There is one I speak to on the forum regularly that I am pleasantly surprised with, too. Their behind-the-scenes personality, efforts with me, creations and attempts to help others too I appreciate. Those are the ones that I would never lose interest with, those selfless efforts they give, and being wanting to assist even others who seemed very different, but not requiring or asking much I return--as I am that way too.

So, I think I understand Gerald. It's hard when more emotions are involved. Sometimes it's instinct or need to keep up a wall to protect us, but sometimes when we feel comfortable enough, or know enough, maybe our strong kindness to another/others says it's ok to open up there as the other will be there for us if we feel we fall.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

It's amazing, we grow on people like barnacles. Lol

I guess my anti-fouling paint must be wearing thin. Good or bad, I don't know.

 

[Alexej]

..As I go through therapy, I feel emotions opening up, and not merely towards my accepting spouse who I still love deeply. There are those who I especially see as valuable people. The problem is, seeing some here as friends I am starting to have emotions towards them. I am concerned about their state of mind, sad at times, rejoicing with their victories at other times. I care for them.

..

Yet in all of this you all are meaningful to me. Thank you for listening. This is hard for me.

Thank you so much for sharing. Feelings and emotions are quite an issue for me at the moment, and I appreciate your honesty and sharing

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

but sometimes when we feel comfortable enough, or know enough, maybe our strong kindness to another/others says it's ok to open up there as the other will be there for us if we feel we fall.

So well put. I think kindness matters a lot. Sometimes when I fail at that I am regretful. But sometimes I set kindness aside when people are abusive.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Thank you so much for sharing. Feelings and emotions are quite an issue for me at the moment, and I appreciate your honesty and sharing

My therapy, as I challenge beliefs about myself, has been an emotional roller coaster. At least I feel alive.

 

[Knower of nothing]

The weight of caring. In enjoying someone you also accept the inevitable loss of the connection. I think we're aware of this deep down and occasionally feel an anxiety about it happening sooner than we'd want. "What would they think?" and other such worries all stem from the same approaching end. You'd think it'd be a shame to spend too much of this precious time worrying but perhaps the worrying itself is precious too as it can only be done now while you have something to lose. It's an awkward fact of life that discomfort is woven into everything that matters. I hope you can take it in stride.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

The weight of caring. In enjoying someone you also accept the inevitable loss of the connection. I think we're aware of this deep down and occasionally feel an anxiety about it happening sooner than we'd want. "What would they think?" and other such worries all stem from the same approaching end. You'd think it'd be a shame to spend too much of this precious time worrying but perhaps the worrying itself is precious too as it can only be done now while you have something to lose. It's an awkward fact of life that discomfort is woven into everything that matters. I hope you can take it in stride.

Thank you. You are kind. I feel secure enough that I am willing to risk disappointment in order to enjoy harmonizing with some people I think are kind and whose strength I admire.

 

[Sunny1]

Gerald, I feel your angst. I have been off of the forum for a couple of weeks because I felt like I was getting too emotionally attached to people on the forum whom I cared about. All it did was make me feel like I was missing out on connection that I felt by being involved on the forums. There are people on this forum that I just, plain, like! As a result I care about what is going on with them and what they are thinking about on the various topics. It is rare that we get to have these types of fun, sad, depressing, happy, times with people, even the ones with whom we may live.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Gerald, I feel your angst. I have been off of the forum for a couple of weeks because I felt like I was getting too emotionally attached to people on the forum whom I cared about. All it did was make me feel like I was missing out on connection that I felt by being involved on the forums. There are people on this forum that I just, plain, like! As a result I care about what is going on with them and what they are thinking about on the various topics. It is rare that we get to have these types of fun, sad, depressing, happy, times with people, even the ones with whom we may live.

That is so nice. I enjoy caring about the people I like (and one problem case). Feeling for them is something I have not felt in a long time and it makes me happy.

 

[Slime_Punk]

I thought I was the only one who felt that way, and I guess I was very wrong. Very wholesome words

 

[Storm Hess]

I am an amalgamation of swirling thoughts and emotions...not knowing, at times, how to deal with either. Sometimes those thoughts and emotions are calmed by distant voices through glass wires.

 

[Jeepcarpenter]

Through any connection we allow ourselves is always the possibility of pain and vulnerability.. any good relationship requires some amount of energy involved and whenever that relationship diminishes, the loss of that energy is always troublesome.. but I believe it is entirely worth it, even in it’s loss.. that being very hypocritical of me because I believe though I bring a fair amount of possible benefit to a relationship, as well feel I have a greater negative impact on any of those relationships..

It’s hard for me to open up and connect with others because I believe somehow that I will always drag them down with me whenever failing and I don’t want that, causing more pain than content, I want everyone to win, succeed and do well.. so often I’ll shut down, silence my problems and just continue with them appreciating what is and their experiences.. good and bad alike.. I think without having those experiences of others around me, I wouldn’t have lasted as long as I have.

I want to thank you Gerald. Like I have of many others here, I took notice of many of your posts here and appreciate a lot or all of what you have to say and your experiences of. You are a good person, have amazing qualities and are very skilled in various situations with yourself and others.. I don’t pretend to compare to you at all but you have been a huge help and love hearing your thoughts.

 

[Alexej]

My therapy, as I challenge beliefs about myself,....

What kind of therapy are you receiving?

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

What kind of therapy are you receiving?

I have been doing Cognitive Processing Therapy for PTSD from early life social isolation. It has meant identifying triggers and the messages I had told myself that promoted my dysfunction and challenging them in order to learn what I can tell myself instead. The hard practice is to pause my thinking in order not to be reactive and let my rational mind catch up. My task now is to forgive that younger me who, while being shy and sensitive, was confused about things my neurology did not allow me to understand.

While I was able to change myself and learn to mature socially, that only buried the previous social trauma only to be reactivated later in life and led me to seek therapy.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Through any connection we allow ourselves is always the possibility of pain and vulnerability.. any good relationship requires some amount of energy involved and whenever that relationship diminishes, the loss of that energy is always troublesome.. but I believe it is entirely worth it, even in it’s loss.. that being very hypocritical of me because I believe though I bring a fair amount of possible benefit to a relationship, as well feel I have a greater negative impact on any of those relationships..

It’s hard for me to open up and connect with others because I believe somehow that I will always drag them down with me whenever failing and I don’t want that, causing more pain than content, I want everyone to win, succeed and do well.. so often I’ll shut down, silence my problems and just continue with them appreciating what is and their experiences.. good and bad alike.. I think without having those experiences of others around me, I wouldn’t have lasted as long as I have.

I want to thank you Gerald. Like I have of many others here, I took notice of many of your posts here and appreciate a lot or all of what you have to say and your experiences of. You are a good person, have amazing qualities and are very skilled in various situations with yourself and others.. I don’t pretend to compare to you at all but you have been a huge help and love hearing your thoughts.

You are welcome. I think you sell yourself short. I honestly think that by appreciating others, and showing them affection even in little ways, mitigates the risk of hurt feelings. Be unafraid. Yes, we have communication issues (I still do.), but treating the people you connect with, with appreciation and respect, goes a long way in cementing healthy relationships.

 

[Atrapa Almas]

I can relate. Im glad that you are letting that child necessary defenses go and reshaping yourself with your present tools and knowledge.

To me the process to each important change have been like this graph, emotions going up and down untill they settle as my new self is done.

Like the rollercoaster you mentioned.