Dating a Guy with High-Functioning Autism

[DonnaM]

Hi everyone. i'm new here. i am not on the Autism spectrum... but i have become close friends with a guy who has high functioning autism, only recently diagnosed. he's in his mid 20's. and i am alot older than him. we have become exceptionally close friends. we are both INFJ if you know anything about MBTI. and the more i get to know him, the more i am falling in love with him. we have flirted a bit in the past, and i have expressed to him how i feel about him. he hasnt said directly that he loves me in return, if anything he said something about us needing to be "realistic" about the future prospects due to the age difference. but he still seems to want so very much for me to be part of his life... a permanent part of his life. he has already stated that i am part of a very select circle of important ppl in his life, most of whom are family. we have an almost "psychic" connection, and we have only ever communicated online. but he can even feel my emotions via the net... he is an empath and a HSP. i thought that because he knows how much i like him and if he didnt feel the same, he would stop talking to me... like most other guys have done. but its like he doesnt ever want to let me go. does this mean he DOES like me romantically but just cant verbalise it? and that he DOES want to be with me romantically but is trying to rationalise it? i'm trying so hard to just stay "just friends" with him... but i really would like us to be more than that. i just dont know what to do. should i just assume that because he hasnt made any actual advances etc that he ISNT romantically interested in me? or is it also a timing thing? we have only been friends with each other less than 6 months.

 

[Slithytoves]

Of course there's no way to know what he's really thinking and feeling, but if a person who knew I was interested said "something about us needing to be 'realistic' about the future prospects due to the age difference," I would read that as a signaling lack of romantic interest, whether it's really about age or not. People on the spectrum often don't have many very close friends; his determination to have you in his life long-term could just be about realizing he's found a rare connection. There's always the possibility that he could harbor some romantic interest, but for your sake I think it would be better to assume he doesn't and cultivate the friendship as-is until he tells you something different. You said you've told him how you feel about him. He's filed the information, I'm sure.

I'd just suggest that you don't push, or try to find some way to subtly draw more answers out of him. You've only known him online and for a short while. You won't love hearing this, but only time can change the conversation. If anything.

It's worth mentioning that many Aspies are famous for putting things in mental boxes. We can also have rigid ideas about what's appropriate. Your age difference might be an authentic stumbling block in his mind. Or he may have you labeled as his Internet Friend and Confidante and it suits his sense of order to keep you that way. I can think of other possibilities as well. It might be interesting to ask him more about his autism to discover how he thinks about things. Even if you do find that he's put you in a box, though, that doesn't mean you could ever talk him into reboxing you. It just might help you understand and reconcile a bit.

 

[Aspergirl4hire]

"Friend" is not a small or casual thing, to some aspies. I know myself that my few friends are cherished; sexual liaisons, however long-lasting, either turn into friendships or they dissolve, generally due to a needs mismatch. I hope the best for you, and wonder what it is you're falling in love with. Sometimes it helps to define what love is, what it provides. It can feel clinical, but it can also provide a useful perspective.

 

[DonnaM]

thanks Slithytoves - your answer was very helpful! Aspergirl4hire... what i am falling in love with, is someone who is very positive... he talks about letting go of fear and negativity in your life. he talks about shinning the light to those around him, about Unconditional Love. We both have a similar high IQ and look at life, the universe, spirituality etc in a very similar way. He is extremely empathetic... almost to the point of being psychic (which i know he is not... its just that his intuition and empathy are very strong...) but he is a very caring individual. he is very different to the majority of males i have come across. we have connected spiritually, emotionally and intellectually on such deep levels... we have a similar sense of humour. but most importantly - we just "get" each other. we just understand each other. i have truely never had a connection to someone quite like i have with him. and vice versa. his autism is something that has only recently been diagnosed, and he is still trying to figure it all out. he is clearly "high-functioning", so thats why it has taken till now to diagnose... but some things do give it away; unable to maintain eye contact, social phobia, sensory overload, extreme empathy, inability to maintain friendships etc at school..... lots of things really. i cant remember them all.... but he is extremely focused on self-awareness and self-improvement. and i greatly admire that in a person. its hard to describe it all in one post... but the more i learn about him... the more i love....

 

[Tom]

I think there is a class of emotional friendships, which you mainly see online where the medium allows for easier expression of feelings and such. But they are not the same as real relationships and rarely lead there. I get the impression that this is one of those. At best a mutual support connection. If you try to move towards real life contact when he has already expressed a negative view towards that, it may only cause the thing to end.