Dating advice please

[Onna]

Hi all! Sorry this is a long one. I could do with some advice please...


I was texting a guy I met online, we got on well.
We decided to meet, and went on a date.

On the date I was very nervous and awkward, but despite that I believe we got on ok. He made me laugh and smile a lot, and I noticed he laughed and smiled too.

He was mirroring my body language, asking lots of questions and made me feel at ease, at one point I noticed he was giving me longer eye contact than usual, which I think was intended as a positive.

At the end of the date he gave me a nice hug.

I got on the bus home, and he sent me a text saying ‘see that wasn’t so bad’, we texted a little bit on our journeys home, and when I got home I opened a gift that he had given me (a Lego figure) I took a picture and showed him and thanked him for being a good date and said good night. He replied saying:
“Ditto! Glad you had an ok time! Nice to meet you in person! Night night”.

This is where it gets tricky... I text him a couple of days after, asking if he’d like to meet again, he didn’t reply. He did however apologise the next day saying that he’s having a bit of a family crisis. I checked everything was ok with the family crisis, and he said it would be. I wasn’t too sure the best thing to say, so I told him he could chat if he wanted.

I texted him the next day asking if everything had gone ok with his family. He didn’t reply.

During that time I had started to feel a bit insecure about the fact he still hadn’t answered my question about meeting up again. I felt it was unfair to keep me out of the loop, still wondering if he liked me enough to see me again.

I text him in the evening pointing out that he still hadn’t answered the question and that I didn’t appreciate it, and asked him why he hadn’t answered.

In the morning I saw he had text back apologising again.
His text sounds sincere and genuine but I don’t know how to interpret it.

I know that he has a job that is demanding, he’s always been a bit secretive about it, but I think that basically he created something that was a hit, he travels a lot, but now he’s back at home, with plans to travel with work again in the future.


The text said:

“Sorry, I didn’t get in until 2am. I’m sorry, I don’t think I’m actually going to be able to make enough time in general. My schedule is always crazy, I work irregular hours, my days off are staggered and I’m constantly trying to juggle my family and a social life too. I’m sorry, I should’ve thought about that before I agreed to go on a date with you but with Christmas round the corner my schedule is likely to get much worse and that’s not fair on you.

You’re a lovely girl and I really wish you the best but I’m not going to be able to make a second date”.

The thing is that due to my Aspergers it doesn’t bother me if he’s busy with his own life doing his own thing, because I like my space.

I guess my question is first of all, have I just missed the social cues and this is a polite way of him saying he’s not interested? Or is he genuinely too busy?

I replied to his message saying it was a shame and that he had been a gentleman, and made me laugh and smile, and that I wished him well too.

Should I message again explaining that I don’t mind him having a busy schedule? Or should I leave it to save from the potential embarrassment?

 

[BraidedPony]

He doesn’t want to go on a second date. He may be giving you excuses or not, but does it really matter the reason?
If a guy wants to date you they will figure out a way to do it and this guy does want to.
Sorry, he sounded nice. Time to meet the next guy and put this one in the past.

 

[Pats]

Leave it alone at this point. He knows how to contact you if his schedule lightens up.
I tried dating when my kids were teenagers and between their activities and my work, I really didn't have much free time. I'd agree to meet someone and they would call the next day and ask if I was free whenever and I'd tell them I had this and then that and my schedule WAS really busy. They would think I was giving them the brush off, so I gave up trying to go out at all, unless it was a guy friend that knew me and knew that I really was busy most nights.
So he may be telling you the truth or could be that he's not interested. But either way he said he couldn't do a second date. If he's busy he would see you as being pushy and your understanding would be in vain.

 

[Suzanne]

Sadly, he has decided that he does not want to know.

The fact he said there is not going to be a second date, says he is not interested.

It could well be your couple of texts that frightened him off; seeing you as possessive.

Hope he changes his mind. ☺

 

[Iamnotarabot]

Keep in mind I never was in any relationship.

But this is realy a poor excuse.
I mean Christmas is one month away, after that the world doesnt end.Right?
Maybe he is just afraid but clearly it can also be so many other reasons and most of them are like "bad" reasons, so statisticly you should stop trying with him.

I would respond him that I can wait one month, but he clearly said they wont be a second date.
At least it would close the door for good if you say that you can wait and he still refuses.

 

[Onna]

It could well be your couple of texts that frightened him off; seeing you as possessive

I’ll have to bare that in mind, and have a good think about it, to prevent it happening again. Truth hurts, but it’s essential for making changes, so thanks.

 

[TheFreeCat]

He rejected you. He was very clear. No second date. If he texts back, ignore it. He was as clear as we could all wish everyone would be.

 

[Pats]

He rejected you. He was very clear. No second date. If he texts back, ignore it. He was as clear as we could all wish everyone would be.

Not sure I would ignore it. I'd probably text back like it was all no big deal one way or the other, and without trying to rekindle any hope of another date, though.

 

[Judge]

Sorry this didn't go well for you. Just another example of why I just could never get into dating as a social ritual to meet people. It's why I always pursued friendships with women rather than dating them. An alternative way of getting to know someone, but without any social rituals that seem to require an air of insincerity such as what you encountered. Where in a few cases, those friendships evolved into something more.

In this instance, your "date" seemed like a nice enough fellow, but not really nice enough to be truthful to you that he wasn't interested. I'm inclined to believe that it's exactly the sort of thing that can be emotionally and socially maddening for those of us on the spectrum.

It sounds like you handled it all the best you could under such circumstances.

I wish I could offer you some methodical way to approach such a scenario, but I can't. That IMO this is what makes dating so perilous for us. So many unknowns wrapped around social rituals and expectations dependent upon being deliberately indirect about how two people may or may not feel towards one another. For many of us on the spectrum of autism, it's simply not who we are- or can be.

 

[patrick183]

I think his first paragraph is trying to be nice by saying he's busy, but in the end he realized he need to say something more directly: "You’re a lovely girl and I really wish you the best but I’m not going to be able to make a second date". This vaguely still reference his schedule issues, but it sounds pretty concrete to me. Sometimes people try to mask the truth among nice statements. He's already mentally closed the door on seeing you again.

I met my wife online years ago. It can be very awkward. For me it took a ton of courage to take any step with online dating. You can never know the other person's true reasons.

I do remember one time that might have some relevance. It was the first time I met someone in person from the online world. It was an OK date. Awkward for me, but considering, it actually went decently. But after saying goodbye my date told me she has a rule that I must call her after the date and let her know I got home OK. For some reason this turned me away. I remember thinking 'maybe something happened in the past' but it was a logical thought, any actual empathy was missing. I think I have some aversion to anyone telling me what to do, and this played more on my mind. I did call her and say I got home OK, and she said she had a great time, but I never contacted her again. I guess little things can make big differences.

It's impossible for you to know for sure why he wouldn't want to go on a second date unless he tells you. So I'd like to say it is not helpful to dwell on it. But I do remember the feeling of post-analyzing every single word and gesture and such after dates to figure out how I did and what certain things meant. I don't know another way to operate.

 

[Sid Delicious]

I'm just guessing here, but I've been in his situation (family issues, juggling running a business, nearing christmas with all the planning that entails, etc) and would feel really pressured if I'd been on one date and explained I was busy, and then only 24 hours after explaining I was busy the person text me again complaining that I "still hadn’t answered the question", they "didn’t appreciate it" and wanting to know why I hadn’t answered them fast enough. I'd assume they were a huge control freak and I'd turn down any further dates.

I'm not saying that was definitely his response (I'm autistic, so perhaps more irritated by that sort of behaviour than the average person). But in future perhaps give him a week to deal with whatever issues he has going on before panicking about getting a reply. Otherwise it sounds as if you expect his life to revolve around you, which is a huge turn off for most people. If you still haven't heard anything after that point, instead of berating them by saying you 'don't appreciate it', just say something like 'just checking in to make sure everything is ok' and leave it to him to reply. In the meantime, since you have only been on one date and aren't committed to that person, go out with other people and put them out of your mind. Some times it works out, other times it doesn't. Some people are genuinely too busy to have a relationship. I struggle to fit in sleeping and eating most of the time, so dating is completely out of the picture now. It sounds like he was honest with you at least, which is better than a lot of people.

 

[Tom]

It seems clear to me, from his perspective, you guys just didn't hit it off as far as starting a relationship. He's disengaging politely. I wouldn't press it at all. Chalk it up as a fair experience and move on.

 

[Onna]

etc) if I'd been on one date and explained I was busy, and then only 24 hours after explaining I was busy the person text me again complaining that I "still hadn’t answered the question", they "didn’t appreciate it" and wanting to know why I hadn’t answered them fast enough. I'd assume they were a huge control freak and I'd turn down any further dates.

Thats fair enough, I know I had struggles before deciding to confront him, on whether it was the right thing to do. I had been in a very long relationship in the past, and the guy used to play games with me. I genuinely didn’t know if this guy was doing the same or not. That’s the reason I decided to confront it... for reassurance, and to let him know I wasn’t going to allow being messed around. It’s clear from his polite reply that he’s not like my ex!
But unfortunately it’s taken me scaring off the decent guy, to figure out that he was actually decent.
Can I ask, why you think it was ok that he didn’t reply to the question about meeting up again in his next text to me? (Around 4 days after the date). But in his next text to me, he had enough time to apologise for not answering, but still didn’t answer. I’ts not the kind of question you want to be waiting around for an answer for. For me it’s a scary question to ask, waiting for a response on that question wasn’t nice, because it took me to be brave to ask it in the first place. If it had been a less significant question then I’d have understood, but I don’t think anyone would enjoy waiting to hear if someone liked you enough to meet again, then replying to you, but not replying to the question.

 

[Judge]

Can I ask, why you think it was ok that he didn’t reply to the question about meeting up again in his next text to me? (Around 4 days after the date). But in his next text to me, he had enough time to apologise for not answering, but still didn’t answer.

Not ok, per se. But he was just being who- and what he is. Neurotypical. That no response at all from his perspective meant a tacit rejection of any further contact that you were supposed to understand by default- or osmosis.

More of those "unwritten social rules". That you're not supposed to press such a matter. Just to graciously bow out without anything further said.

In as much as he may have appeared to be accommodating of your autistic tendencies on a date, he still ultimately handled you in a Neurotypical fashion. But then that's all he knows. Though in my own case just because I can occasionally understand such social dynamics, it doesn't mean that I can deal with them any more effectively.

 

[Onna]

Thanks everyone for your replies. I’m not going to text him again. I think I’ll give online dating a break, and focus on my self esteem, and building a social life.

 

[Autistamatic]

I have to be honest my own take on it probably says a lot more about my suspicious nature than anything else, but much of what has already been said rings true.
I'll tell a little story...

Last time I was dating I was a couple of years older than you are now. I met a few nice ladies online and made a couple of friends. One I seemed to be getting on with very well after a few dates. She had a kid and a very busy work life so the few times I saw her were very much fitted around her schedule, but she was great fun, bright, caring and brought me a couple of really cute little gifts (no Lego though).
Then she was too busy and tired for a week, next week maybe? Then the following week, all booked up - she would call me when she was free, don't worry myself about it.
Eventually about 5 weeks later she called me to meet up.
In the intervening weeks I'd stumbled across the profiles she had on a few other sites and the profile messages on a couple of them showed that whilst she had been too busy and tired to see me she'd been seeing other guys, even playing both ends for the few weeks we had been involved. One of them led me on to a site for swingers where she was arranging random meet-ups too.
So when she phoned I politely declined. After I found the other profiles I had decided to start dating again and happened to meet the woman I'm now happily married to

Not saying this tale is even remotely connected to your recent events, but it goes to show that you never can tell. I took her at face value and was keen to get to know her better. I only found out because someone else said on her dating site profile (The one I'd responded to) that they'd seen her on another site which set me on the trail. I'm glad I stumbled across it because indirectly it led to me meeting my wife
You're a lovely lass from what I've seen Onna, and you deserve someone in your life who wants to make time for you, not fit you into their schedule.

 

[Major Tom]

Yea, I think it's probably best to move on. When a guy really wants to be with someone, they will make the time, and put forth the effort no matter what. He's decided already. Good luck in the future! There's someone out there I'm sure.

 

[Onna]

In the intervening weeks I'd stumbled across the profiles she had on a few other sites and the profile messages on a couple of them showed that whilst she had been too busy and tired to see me she'd been seeing other guys, even playing both ends for the few weeks we had been involved. One of them led me on to a site for swingers where she was arranging random meet-ups too.

wow quite the revelation! I’d almost prefer this to be the case

 

[Joel's Hear]

Onna, you say he lives with his family? Does he live with his parents, or does he maybe have a wife and kids he didn't mention?

 

[Onna]

Onna, you say he lives with his family? Does he live with his parents, or does he maybe have a wife and kids he didn't mention?

Oh the mention of family was to do with him helping someone in his family. As far as I’m aware, he lives alone. But you never know these days! I doubt it though, he definitely didn’t seem the type of person who’d do that.