Dating an Aspie - Any Tips?

[lamueller13]

Hi There,

I have recently started dating a wonderful man with Asperger's. We've been dating for a couple of months - he told me right off the bat that he had Asperger's and it did not faze me in the slightest. So far it hasn't really presented any problems, but I am the kind of person who wants to research these things and figure out the best ways to communicate and share things with him. We spend a lot of time together and have fallen in love. I want to be supportive and for this relationship to last, as I think he is an extraordinary person and he is also very supportive of me.

So, I guess I am open to suggestions - what is the best way to communicate with him when he is distant or when he is upset regarding a disrupted routine? These seem to be the biggest challenges our relationship faces, as I worry that he is angry with me if he is in one of his 'distant' or 'restless' moods. I don't want him to always reassure me that it's not me who is making him this way, so any suggestions you have on how to react or handle this type of situation would be awesome.

Anyway, I guess that's a good starting point - I've never used a forum before so I am looking forward to hearing from you guys

 

[Daniel]

Hello lamueller13, and welcome to AspiesCentral!

So I'm guessing he tends to reassure you with "it's not you, it's me...", and you don't want him to feel like he has to do that? Have you talked with him about this when he's not in a distant mood?

Got to ask questions to clarify, of course! That's my Aspie male way.

I am coming up on my tenth anniversary with the greatest girl I ever could have hoped for. We both get quite moody, but one thing we've always been good at is speaking up openly about what's bothering us--when we're able to do so.

Personally, if I'm feeling ****** (actually been down in the dumps the past few weeks), I prefer that she have other stuff going on that keeps her occupied. If she's able to be a good listener for me when I'm ready to talk, all the better.

 

[gregmcph]

Accept that now and again, just let him be. Give him a kiss on the cheek, and take the opportunity to catch up on a book or TV series.
If you get stressed about it, the so will he. "Oh god, I'm stuffing this up. I'm making her upset."

And also accept that when you are showing him your world, if it is too intense... too many people, too noisy, too confrontational... he will reach a limit where his head is full and it's time to step away. And it you don't want to, if you will want to be in the thick of things, that's okay. Let him back off, go home, go for a walk. You'll see each other again afterwards.

 

[Soup]

Also, do not become too clingy, emotionally needy or expect him to be Romeo.

 

[lamueller13]

Hey everyone,

Thanks for all of your suggestions, I really appreciate it. When he is in those states he will often say things like 'it's me'. Afterwards, if I ask him about it or ask what I can do to help he says 'there's nothing you can really do to reduce my stress if my routine is interrupted, or if I am feeling restless and distant'. One thing he does seem to like is if I talk to him about other things, or about my day.

Per your suggestions about simply going about my business, that is what I normally do - I am an independent person and I think that works really well for us. We both need our space, and we recognize this. I know Aspies often have very particular interests and mine is no exception - it's one of the things I love about him. However, he has often said that in the past his girlfriends have gone too far with taking on their interests as their own and have lost all of their own personal interests, something he found off-putting. Is this something you've ever experienced? I share one or two of his interests (although he is way more invested and knowledgeable in them than I am) and I want to be supportive, but I suppose there is a fine line. I don't want my existence to be his existence, you know? I have some separate interests of my own, but I'm not sure how much is too much to push him to participate with me. For instance, I like to re-do furniture and he has said that he will help me sand and stain some chairs, but this was a couple of months ago and nothing has been done. Whenever I bring it up, he is more interested in doing something he wants to do on his time off (insert Criterion film collection here). While I love sharing films with him, I would like him to partake in this sanding and staining with me - I feel like he thinks it is something out of his routine and comfort zone, maybe? I don't know...starting to ramble now, so I will stop.

Anyway, thanks again for your responses. I do really appreciate it!

Laura

 

[gregmcph]

Sounds like you have figured out how to drag him back to humanity. The right things to talk about.

Well, some my interests have to be pursued in my own way. I might be happy you also like them, but I'm not so good at bending to accommodate your ways. I want to paint this room. I have ideas on how to do it. Just let me do it the way I want.
It's sort of selfish, but for me, that's the mindset.

The helping you thing... promises and plans can get forgotten. It's not being rude or false, the promise just gets buried under newer ideas. The past fades quickly. The key here is to make it solid. Don't say "Perhaps you can help me when you're free sometime next weekend". Be direct and solid. "We will do this sanding Saturday morning, ok?" and then actually say on Saturday morning "Let's go do this sanding now". And maybe give him a little nudge. "Hey, come on. Help me out here." It sounds like he needs a bit of a kick to get him off the couch. So kick.
Sort of similar to the way you get kids to do things.

 

[Daniel]

Sounds like you have figured out how to drag him back to humanity. The right things to talk about.

Well, some my interests have to be pursued in my own way. I might be happy you also like them, but I'm not so good at bending to accommodate your ways. I want to paint this room. I have ideas on how to do it. Just let me do it the way I want.
It's sort of selfish, but for me, that's the mindset.

The helping you thing... promises and plans can get forgotten. It's not being rude or false, the promise just gets buried under newer ideas. The past fades quickly. The key here is to make it solid. Don't say "Perhaps you can help me when you're free sometime next weekend". Be direct and solid. "We will do this sanding Saturday morning, ok?" and then actually say on Saturday morning "Let's go do this sanding now". And maybe give him a little nudge. "Hey, come on. Help me out here." It sounds like he needs a bit of a kick to get him off the couch. So kick.
Sort of similar to the way you get kids to do things.

I agree with gregmcph re: non-solid plans. I don't like vagueness when it comes to plans; that means there's no plan, as far as I'm concerned. If you nail down the details--where and when--he can plan for it. I don't mind doing things that are outside my comfort zone if I know they're coming!

My situation with my wife is a bit different--we don't really mix our interests that much at all! For your situation, maybe some sort of trade-off plan would be in order? Like he does your thing on a particular day, and later, the focus is on his thing?

 

[Daniel]

Thanks for all of your suggestions, I really appreciate it. When he is in those states he will often say things like 'it's me'. Afterwards, if I ask him about it or ask what I can do to help he says 'there's nothing you can really do to reduce my stress if my routine is interrupted, or if I am feeling restless and distant'. One thing he does seem to like is if I talk to him about other things, or about my day.

I like this! When I'm lost in my head, it's great if someone else can carry on the conversational load. Hell--any time is great for me when someone else leads the conversation!

And this is probably the most appropriate forum I've ever seen for rambling, unless there's a ramblers forum somewhere.

 

[motormouse]

Hi, welcome aboard! I am newly married to an Aspie and we've been together for about 5 years. I highly recommend it We have had some whopper arguments in our time but we can always discuss them afterwards. Sometimes even he doesn't know what made him so upset but talking does help once he's calmed down and can reassure you that sometimes ?t's not you' and please believe it when he says that. You'll also learn methods to deal with and help calm him down when he gets upset. For me the hardest bit was to ask for what I wanted or needed from him. I'm not very good at being assertive about those things like needing cuddles etc and I have come a long way but still catch myself not speaking up sometimes so I'm still learning.

On the hobbies front. He is a techie geek so I have no problem leaving him with those interests as they're far outside my technical capability but we both love riding motorbikes, photography and we both enjoy cooking and red wine so I think we have the best of both worlds.

It sounds like your guy is open and honest with you and is open to discussing things which is a huge plus. Welcome again and I hope you find the forum useful. I'm new too but have already found it illuminating! Check out my new group, link in my signature.

 

[tapian]

Hi lamueller. I can definitely relate to your posts. I often wish my aspie bf would take interest in my interests, but you simply can't force that on someone. He has tried to but I know it is fake and he is just trying to make me happy. I have a huge passion for music. I am a piano teacher. He plays guitar but his musical knowledge and experience doesnt come close to comparing to mine so he gets intimidated easily and doesnt seem to enjoy playing music with me because I am always "outdoing him" as he calls it or "thinking badly of him" even though I never say anything negative and am always praising his musical ability. My point is they have their few select interests and like to stick to them. While we can join them in their hobbies and actually enjoy ourselves they seem to have a difficult time breaking away from the norm. I have been with him for two years and have been disappointed too many times to keep hoping that he will magically take to my musical passion. Its hurtful that he seems oblivious when I play and has never just stopped and listened while any other person is wowed by it. Just part of his condition. he is easily intimidated. At least that seems to be the best explanation. As for distant restless moods, and God knows he has had those.....I have found a little trick that instantly calms him. He describes the back of his head as feeling "tight" or "full" so I gently rub his scalp and back of his neck and he becomes a new person. I would love to talk to you. Send me a private message with contact info or request mine if you like thanks

 

[Daniel]

@tapian I'd say being intimidated by your musical knowledge, skills and talent is as much a "musician" thing as it is an "Aspie" thing.

I've experienced a lot of jealousy from others. The one Aspie musician I worked with actually discounted my opinions completely because I didn't go to school for it. Myself, I am jealous of people who get to do musical things for a living!

 

[motormouse]

One funny thing I found with hobbies. We both love photography. My aspie husband is also a tech geek and he loves and knows all about all the buttons and functions that a DSLR has and he loves the rules on how to take an aesthetically pleasing photograph. Then he's annoyed because I haven't applied any of those rules but just my creativity and 'artistic eye' and mine look better then his lol He is persisting though and we enjoy swapping advice on functions and creative composition :love: