Dating is an art. . .

[paloftoon]

that apparently I'm not very good at. I'm open to even just friendship.

Last Sunday, I went to this lgbt board game club, which was new for me. Turns out the club used to be just the chess club only, which I had previously attended. Met some new people there, kind of recognized maybe one or two from prior. 2 of the guys, one a bit young, but not too young, and the other one around my age, we hung out for longer than the others basically.

I believe I ended up asking for the number for one of the people because he talked about meeting at another place and I told him that I don't want to go back there unless I know he will be there because of prior bad experiences and how it was unusually cliquey there. The other person who was a bit younger wanted to trade numbers with me, so I was cool with that.

The person a bit younger, I had asked about his age, and when he wanted to know why and I told him, he told me he doesn't date people above or below 5 years, which is understandable. But then he said that he would see me at the game club next time. Sounds like a polite way of never even forming a friendship potentially simply because I had an interest in the guy.

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The other person near my age, I was able to pick up that he was probably on the spectrum. He started by offering to buy me coffee. I was surprised, but I decided to accept because I wanted to consider this gentleman for friendship or a date, and it gave me an open door to engage in deeper conversation. However, this gentleman monopolized the time intensely with math and puzzles, which I so happened to enjoy, but I had things I wanted to discuss as well. Before sticking around longer, we got up and left. It was raining, and he offered me to borrow his umbrella. I told him I'm okay, I have a raincoat. So, we get back to his apartment and he let's me wait in the hallway because I want to converse with him more, but he doesn't want to let me in. I tell him about all these resources and wonderful opportunities that could be accessible to him in his journey to obtain a diagnosis. I felt justified to talk to him more because he spoke to me for so long at the coffeehouse. I had thought we were connecting naturally.

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Several days later, apparently I text him 19 times in a day. That's probably my biggest error. Within those texts, I ask him if he likes anime, and he does. But then I start to ask him about 18+ stuff and that gets too be too much for him. He starts to get super paranoid telling me I'm this horrible person basically and that there's no way I could not know that I was being an @$$hole. He obviously doesn't understand autism for him to take it that far even though he is on the spectrum himself. (I also obviously don't understand proper social etiquette either, lol.)

I apologized to him and ended up telling him that we should just "let bygones be bygones" and that I would not contact him via phone or e-mail anymore, and that we can just continue to meet at the game club and other random public events only. Even after that, he was still raging at me, so I just blocked his phone number.

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After experiencing that situation, I feel that both me and this other guy were at fault. This other guy for getting intense too soon, but then not truly being able to accept the same type of intensity back that he gave out. I also didn't realize the number of texts I had sent, and how it was so annoying to him. Some people just don't care how much you have or want to say no matter how useful the information might be to them, no matter how poignant because the "bottom line" I learned is that many people need much time to get to know another person, whether friendship or even dating. It is different for every set of people and experiences- you have to "feel" it out, and there aren't really rules per se. Anything with a lot of detail should be saved for in-person, not text or e-mails because otherwise it gets lost in translation and misinterpreted.

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Any other thoughts or questions? I hope this post helps someone out there. I'm learning, albeit the hard way unfortunately. Somehow, I'm hoping that people that I've wronged or feel wronged by me see something that helps them understand and even want to be around and talk to me, and keep me as a friend. I don't know what that is, I guess no one really does. A lot of luck, right? :/

 

[midlife aspie]

The only way to learn this stuff is the hard way. If you truly love yourself, no one else can tear you down. In fact, I think love is the answer to your issue. It is not something just for those we hold dearest; it is something we should freely share with all others, regardless of how receptive they are. There are 'cute', 'handsome', 'pretty', 'average', 'ugly' and a host of other words to describe people, but those who project love are truly beautiful, regardless of their 'looks'. Don't let 'ugly' people make you 'ugly'.

 

[Laurizzle]

Maybe try holding a few friendships before jumping to the dating stuff? and definitely leave the 18+ stuff out until you know someone well. I *personally* find it rude or awkward to dive right into that.

Also, learning to know/love yourself during these empty times will help you in any situation and relationship in the future. Like midlife aspie said, 'if you truly love yourself, no one else can tear you down.' Find out what self love means to you, because it will be defined differently to each individual.

 

[Judge]

I "do" art. I just don't "do" dating. I find both mutually exclusive.

I make friends. On rare occasion they turn into something more. It never left me with many possibilities, but it's the only social dynamic that ever worked for me.

Dating? Moi? Nope-nope-nope. Such a contrived, arduous social ritual for me. I never had a chance socializing with people in such a manner.

You aren't alone, and there are alternatives, even if considered poor ones. We can't all neatly fit into society's most basic social conventions. I sure didn't.

 

[paloftoon]

I can tell that many of the people I meet aren't "ugly" at all. Rather, they have their own issues that may make them incompatible with others as well.

What I've come to realize is that I actually have a lot going for me currently despite my troubles. Although the few barriers I have are serious ones, and someone has to be willing to deal with that. My experiences have lead me to try to focus on the paragraph below.

I am an adult who is growing and changing for the better daily as much as possible. It's a new time for additional friendships, deeper friendships, and maybe even more. Even if things didn't mesh in the past with so and so, no one is a loser. I'd like to work things out with everyone I can as much as possible.

 

[paloftoon]

Someone gave me this piece of advice:

"I think you have a tendency to want an answer right away to resolve everything, and it is too aggressive when getting to know someone in the beginning. Give natural flow a chance."

It is so true. I didn't think about it until she said it. It "logically makes sense" to resolve a problem as soon as you can rather than let it linger on.
But the biggest problem with this is that sometimes, part of solving the problem is spending time and not solving it right away. I could see this being an "aspie" thing, and I could not find anything online regarding this particular small, but potentially important facet to be aware of.

 

[paloftoon]

Another thing I'd like to add is that emotions don't always make sense. Not even my own initially. They can, but it requires digging deep into yourself or another person. There's usually a reason behind it all. The only thing that stinks is sometimes we end up unintentionally hurting others in order to learn and grow. It seems, finding a quality relationship is more about two (or more) people that are willing to tolerate each others' issues rather than two (or more) people that are "perfect" for each other. Sometimes I just have to laugh, but only a little. . .