Dating man with ASD traits. When/if to broach the subject?

[sisselcakes]

I just posted a very long narrative about a specific incident I had recently with my boyfriend of 7 months. I have a hard time describing in words my experience with him. I love him very much. He is kind, caring, and loyal.

We have ongoing communication problems,usually that end up with me feeling hurt. Because he tends to focus on facts and logic, he makes comments in a matter-of-fact or arrogant sounding tone that seems critical and judgmentmental. When this first started I would become insanely furious with him but overtime began to realize he was not intending to be rude.
About three weeks ago I began to research ASD and I'm convinced he is HFA. Even though I love him to death, this feels so strange, so foreign. Sometimes I feel at a loss for words. It's like speaking a different language. When he looks at me blankly, I realize he isn't being stubborn. He REALLY doesn't understand.

He recently admitted to me that he has had long standing problems with empathy and putting himself in others' shoes. "You're intelligent," he said by text. I had to make sure he wasn't being sarcastic. He wasn't. Little does he know it's not intelligence. It's research on my part.

I feel like our communication could improve if he became aware of the possibility he has this condition but I'm not sure how he will react. He can get defensive about certain things. I don't want him to think I'm suggesting he is defective in some way.

Has anyone broached this subject with someone you suspected had the condition? How did you broach it? How can you tell when is a good time, if at all, to bring up this observation?

Thanks.

 

[Buttercup]

Good post Sissel, Im wondering this myself. Ive known my ASD guy for 8+ years and he's never told me. But after spending all this time with him I know he's on the spectrum. I want to bring it up with him so it can be out in the open and we can work through some issues, but I feel like since he hasn't told me, he's uncomfortable with it and so I dont want to bring it up. He's told me things he struggles with, eg the symptoms of being an Aspie, but has never straightforwardly told me he IS one. Im pretty sure he knows he's on the spectrum.

 

[Beverly]

I would find any one of the books out there written by those on the spectrum that speak of their experiences and life stories, then tell your man something like "I just finished reading [name of book] and, [name of author] reminds me of you in a lot of ways." Smile so he knows that makes you happy, and tell him you liked the book and, the fact that it reminded you of him.

Sure ASD is frustrating, annoying, a pain to deal with in a relationship but, a little understanding and, realizing that direct and blunt does not equal rude or hurtful to us - just honest and, honest, clear, easy to understand is very important to us, goes a long way toward making the relationship better for both parties.

 

[clg114]

I just posted a very long narrative about a specific incident I had recently with my boyfriend of 7 months. I have a hard time describing in words my experience with him. I love him very much. He is kind, caring, and loyal.

We have ongoing communication problems,usually that end up with me feeling hurt. Because he tends to focus on facts and logic, he makes comments in a matter-of-fact or arrogant sounding tone that seems critical and judgmentmental. When this first started I would become insanely furious with him but overtime began to realize he was not intending to be rude.
About three weeks ago I began to research ASD and I'm convinced he is HFA. Even though I love him to death, this feels so strange, so foreign. Sometimes I feel at a loss for words. It's like speaking a different language. When he looks at me blankly, I realize he isn't being stubborn. He REALLY doesn't understand.

He recently admitted to me that he has had long standing problems with empathy and putting himself in others' shoes. "You're intelligent," he said by text. I had to make sure he wasn't being sarcastic. He wasn't. Little does he know it's not intelligence. It's research on my part.

I feel like our communication could improve if he became aware of the possibility he has this condition but I'm not sure how he will react. He can get defensive about certain things. I don't want him to think I'm suggesting he is defective in some way.

Has anyone broached this subject with someone you suspected had the condition? How did you broach it? How can you tell when is a good time, if at all, to bring up this observation?

Thanks.

You should keep in mind the possibility that he does not know that he is on the spectrum. I had never heard of Asperger's until I was sixty and was not diagnosed until I was sixty-two. I know that seems highly unlikely, but it happens.

 

[Loomis]

I did not know I was on the spectrum. My ex-wife told me many times that she thought I was. (Our son was diagnosed with aspergers.) I knew I had some of the characteristics of autism but there were many traits that I did not seem to have. After many discussions with my wife I agreed to see an expert for an evaluation.

I went into the interview without bias. I was OK with the outcome whatever it might be.

When the evaluation was complete the analyst explained her reasons why she believed I was on the spectrum and we had a lengthy discussion. She followed up with a comprehensive written report. It was the best thing that ever happened to me because it explained many things about myself that had always puzzled me. It provided clarity and insight that I have since found invaluable.

It has had a huge positive effect on my life and dramatically changed me and how I view the world. I am grateful beyond measure for my diagnosis.

 

[sisselcakes]

Thank you both for your input. Very helpful!! Loomis, I'm so glad for you that the diagnosis was positive. Peace!

 

[ancusmitis]

He might also know and be keeping it a secret. When people mention it with me, it makes me feel strange and awkward. But I was not in an intimate relationship with any of these people. You should avoid outing people. It's better to create a situation of trust where you share positive attitudes and make it clear it isn't an insult but that it is a private matter which you won't disclose without permission. If you already have this situation then maybe go for it. I dunno. But it is a private matter and having the wrong people find out could have bad consequences.

 

[Buttercup]

He might also know and be keeping it a secret. When people mention it with me, it makes me feel strange and awkward. But I was not in an intimate relationship with any of these people. You should avoid outing people. It's better to create a situation of trust where you share positive attitudes and make it clear it isn't an insult but that it is a private matter which you won't disclose without permission. If you already have this situation then maybe go for it. I dunno. But it is a private matter and having the wrong people find out could have bad consequences.

Hm, could you give us some examples of how someone could do this with you in a way that wouldn't make you feel awkward?

 

[ancusmitis]

Hm, could you give us some examples of how someone could do this with you in a way that wouldn't make you feel awkward?

Never had it happen. Like I said I was not in an intimate partnership with any of these people.

 

[sisselcakes]

Thanks everyone for your feedback. I've decided at this point in time it's not important to broach the subject directly because it would be more about me than about him (my curiosity and need to figure something out). But if I need to in the future I have some ideas. I highly doubt he has been diagnosed officially but i can tell he does have some awareness of his difficulties based on a few things he has said. Plus I see him trying to change how he acts in certain situations that have bothered me. I guess for me what's important is knowing how his thought processes work so I can understand why we do things differently and why he can sound rude even though he doesn't intend to be mean. I do have one unresolved curiosity. I can't be the first person to have reacted strongly to times he has seemed critical and rude. Why do you think he acts bewildered as to why I've been offended by things he has said? He's 50 and I'm sure this has happened a million times in his life. Just wondering. His most recent eye-rolling "critical" comments have been about his fixation on healthy food. That's for my therapist and another post. Lol.