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Daughter has possible AS

alipaul2

alipaul2

Well-Known Member
My daughter is 16 and she has a brother with autism who was diagnosed at age 3, he is now 13. I love both my children dearly but its been challenging and a rollercoaster of a ride. My husband also has AS traits and mild OCD. As for myself, well I think I am ok so far...lol!:)

I strongly feel my daughter has AS. Academically she is bright, she is a gifted artist (my avatar is one of her pieces of work), socially she has several friends whom she has grown up with but she has gone through alot of bullying from others in the past at school. She went through a terrible time self harming at age 14 to 15 and I felt I was going insane with worry about this, but thankfully she has managed to learn strategies to cope when she has the urge to hurt herself.

We try and help her to regulate her emotions as she finds it really difficult to express herself and gets very frustrated. She can have panic attacks when she is trying to get her point across to us about something and we acknowledge we have understood her, but its like she can't hear us at all and she will just go on and on and so in depth about one thing - it is completely draining. How do I help her with this?

She can be extremely hurtful and cutting with her remarks too, its quite shocking at times. I know teenagers get all this, but because of the AS its very over the top. She is very literal, cannot understand jokes or metaphors and sayings of any kind and she has trouble putting herself in other people's shoes. Its really tough on her and it pains me so much that every topic gets to be a marathon and I don't know how to help her with this.

She has also been quite spiteful with her brother at times and he senses this. Its so difficult I am at the end of my tether sometimes. Any advice would be so appreciated thank you.
 
Hi Ally,

First of all, your daughter is very talented, I really love your avatar. :) I'm into art myself but I'm not that good. I can be sometimes, if I put my mind to it. But I lose control of my hands sometimes as I have problems with fine motor skills.

It sounds like you have your hands full, but honestly I think you're coping very well. By the sounds of things you are very understanding and that's brilliant! I'd say that your daughter's age coupled with the AS is the main part of the problem, so if anything, things should start looking up gradually over the next couple of years. My difficulties seemed to get to their worst from 13 through to 16, and I'm am now getting a lot better with things (17 now, nearly 18).

Is she in any kind of therapy or counselling? I found that that helped me a lot, it's admitedly not for everyone, but you could give it a go. The best kind that I got was Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. You probably know about this type of thing, what with you having a son who is diagnosed, but just incase you haven't! I'd say that the worst is almost over, she'll be leaving school soon right? And I'm betting that that's going to take away a lot of stress. I think the harsh remarks is just something that comes with the territory so to speak. I've been told many times that I'm being too blunt. I honestly can't help it though and I never mean to cause offence by it, so just keep in mind that she's not hurting your feelings on purpose. Also, when people do take things I say the wrong way, I tend to 'not care' because I think that it's their fault for taking it a different way to how I meant it. I make the mistake of assuming everyone thinks how I think. Maybe this is how your daughter is?

I'm not sure what to suggest to combat her going on and on about one thing. Maybe you could sit down and have talk with her and come up with a code signal that you could use when you need to let her know that you have understood her. Something as simple as a thumbs up signal? Just so that if it is that she doesn't seem to be hearing you, she would see visually that you have understood? Just a thought. You should also discuss this with your son and husband, so you all know the signal?

As for her being harsh with your son sometimes, is it something she is doing on purpose? Or is it a case of just being 'blunt' with him? If it's something she seems to be doing on purpose, maybe it's just a brother/sister relationship, made a bit worse by the added aspect of Autistic Spectrum Disorder's! I would suggest getting them to spend time together doing things that they both enjoy, but they're maybe a bit old for that type of thing now? I spend time with my younger brother (who also has Asperger's) just by showing interest in his favourite things once in a while, ie I talk to him about his plant collection or I play games on the computer with him etc. If it's just a case of being 'blunt' with him, then you could just sit down with your son and explain that sometimes she can't help it.

I don't know if any of this is helpful, but I thought I'd try and put some ideas out there.

Willow
 
First thing you may want to remember is that while your daughter does show many traits of AS (enough that I would seek an assessment), it's best not to throw labels around until you know.

That being said, sometimes it's best just to leave the room for a few minutes when she gets riled up if she doesn't want to talk, but make her you give her the option to vent if she wants to. Probably the best thing you can do when she's spiteful or 'cutting' in her tones would be to walk away and return when she calms down and explain to her calmly and honestly how it made you feel, and try not to talk over her if she tries to interject. Stay firm with your point, but try not to be condescending. Nobody likes it, though I'm not accusing you of this.

Panic attacks can be tricky. Some people might need the contact of someone they trust, others just want their space. If she's the type that wants her space, try just being in the same room, but at the same time try not to seem like you're bearing down on her with your eyes or something, but don't be overly avoidant of making eye contact. The key here is not to look worried, calm is almost as contagious as worry sometimes; reassuring in a way. I dunno if I can cover everything or even know everything about this sort of thing, but for most it will help.

Best Wishes

*edit* I just read Willow's post, those are very good ideas too. She'll probably have a better idea what's going on with her since they're both girls
 
Willow said:
Hi Ally,

First of all, your daughter is very talented, I really love your avatar. :) I'm into art myself but I'm not that good. I can be sometimes, if I put my mind to it. But I lose control of my hands sometimes as I have problems with fine motor skills.

It sounds like you have your hands full, but honestly I think you're coping very well. By the sounds of things you are very understanding and that's brilliant! I'd say that your daughter's age coupled with the AS is the main part of the problem, so if anything, things should start looking up gradually over the next couple of years. My difficulties seemed to get to their worst from 13 through to 16, and I'm am now getting a lot better with things (17 now, nearly 18).

Is she in any kind of therapy or counselling? I found that that helped me a lot, it's admitedly not for everyone, but you could give it a go. The best kind that I got was Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. You probably know about this type of thing, what with you having a son who is diagnosed, but just incase you haven't! I'd say that the worst is almost over, she'll be leaving school soon right? And I'm betting that that's going to take away a lot of stress. I think the harsh remarks is just something that comes with the territory so to speak. I've been told many times that I'm being too blunt. I honestly can't help it though and I never mean to cause offence by it, so just keep in mind that she's not hurting your feelings on purpose. Also, when people do take things I say the wrong way, I tend to 'not care' because I think that it's their fault for taking it a different way to how I meant it. I make the mistake of assuming everyone thinks how I think. Maybe this is how your daughter is?

I'm not sure what to suggest to combat her going on and on about one thing. Maybe you could sit down and have talk with her and come up with a code signal that you could use when you need to let her know that you have understood her. Something as simple as a thumbs up signal? Just so that if it is that she doesn't seem to be hearing you, she would see visually that you have understood? Just a thought. You should also discuss this with your son and husband, so you all know the signal?

As for her being harsh with your son sometimes, is it something she is doing on purpose? Or is it a case of just being 'blunt' with him? If it's something she seems to be doing on purpose, maybe it's just a brother/sister relationship, made a bit worse by the added aspect of Autistic Spectrum Disorder's! I would suggest getting them to spend time together doing things that they both enjoy, but they're maybe a bit old for that type of thing now? I spend time with my younger brother (who also has Asperger's) just by showing interest in his favourite things once in a while, ie I talk to him about his plant collection or I play games on the computer with him etc. If it's just a case of being 'blunt' with him, then you could just sit down with your son and explain that sometimes she can't help it.

I don't know if any of this is helpful, but I thought I'd try and put some ideas out there.

Willow
Click to expand...

Hi Willow

Thanks for taking the time to reply so fluently. Its great you have an interest in Art. You have certainly given me a lot of hope with my daughter, she really is very sweet and funny too its just, as you say, her age and the AS combined that is so very hard to deal with as a parent. Her father is so much more tolerant of her moods than I am, I feel this is so because he also has traits and can reason and be logical with her whereas I am more of an emotional and tactile person - sometimes I wish I had AS myself!!! There are a short supply of hugs in my family :rolleyes2: due to all the tactile defensive stuff going on.

She was seeing a school counsellor for 6 months due to the self harm, the counsellor had training in SI but nothing much else, least of all Aspergers. Initially seeing her helped my daughter but after a while she grew tired of it. CBT is something I have looked into but not for my son as he is quite severely autistic. Right now she is in quite a good place with herself but there are changes ahead like starting college in Sept and leaving school (leaving school will be a massive relief for her I can tell you)!

Re: the harshness and remarks - well, you sound exactly like my daughter!! lol.....seriously I agree entirely that she assumes we think what she does, spot on there. The signal is a great idea, thank you.

With regard to her brother, he has looked quite hurt and shocked at some of her remarks and he is quite nervous around her sometimes wondering how to approach her. I do feel sorry for him poor love, but he has to learn too about relationships. My daughter is very verbal and my son is very placid and quiet so there you go!! very different, but also similar in lots of ways........I dont think she knows her own strength at times because she will literally push him in play, winding him up and he does try and fight back but boy she can pack a punch!!! its almost like she is trying to get a reaction from him.

One more thing Willow, my daughter seems to be very 'under responsive' to touch. Where as my son hates anyone just brushing past him, or if you pat him on the head he wants you to do it again on the exact same spot (OCD type stuff). He will not initiate hugs. My dd hates being hugged and when she comes up to me to give me her hug she has her arms by her sides and her head just flops into my shoulder - its like she is just leaning on me. She hates to put her hands in flour, hates cooking and looking a raw meat etc. will wear the same clothes day in day out and generally not notice that her clothes are getting dirty! Her hygiene is good. I also strongly feel that she has been through much more at school than what she has been telling me, she just can't put it all into words.

Thanks so much again for your reply!
 
Hiya,

That's okay, I like to think I can help :)

I hope the things I suggested will work, that would be good for you all.

My Mum feels like you do (I think) sometimes, there is also a lack of hugs here too. I tend to do what your daughter does, ie lean on my Mum as appose to hugging her. Sometimes I am okay with hugs, but other times I'd rather just not hug because the feel of arms around me is sometimes too much for me to cope with.

I admit that sometimes I am too harsh with my brother and sometimes he'll look really upset (I've learnt that this is how he feels because I once asked him why he looked the way he did). I just go and sit down with him and say that I'm sorry and explain why I was upset and therefore accidentally took it out on him. Then we just do something he likes to make up.

The change from school to college may be a bit difficult for your daughter, but I think she will prefer college and so the general shock of the change might be kind of dissolved by the relief that it is okay. Fingers crossed anyway. I've heard college is a much nicer environment.

I am similar to your son in the respect that I can't stand people brushing past me, or touching me when I've not been expecting it. I prefer to be touched with some force if people need to. Like, if they need my attention and they poke me (like a lot of people seem to do) I would rather them be rougher than gentle. And hugs aswell, I like being squeezed tightly sometimes, it makes me feel safe and when I'm upset it helps.

I think the last things you mentioned, about her not liking touching certain things and her being under responsive, aren't to be worried about too much, as long as you show understanding to her specific needs I think those things will be okay. About her clothes though, maybe you could take her shopping (if you have some spare money) and ask her what types of clothes she likes, even ask her what materials she prefers and suggest some items yourself, and then when you have found a couple of outfits, just buy two of everything. That way, you can tell her that every couple of days she can put her outfit in the wash and put the clean version on, and then just switch them like that? Also, maybe she will enjoy the mother daughter time, like a girly day out, just to two of you? You could have dinner out etc, if she is comfortable with it. I'm not sure how she is with shopping etc, but if she's not comfortable with it, you could look online at clothes instead, just check they are the correct materials and you're away! :)

Willow
 
Meh, just asking. I'm just trying to figure out how what I said was negative. If I wanted to be negative, I could have done a much better job than that! Personally I don't really care who does it, it's the reasoning behind it that bugs me.
 
You said 'well at least someone was able to help you' in her Ally's first post where she was asking for help. She may have found it, offensive because she may not have seen your original post and then when she saw that you had said that, she might have felt it was a bit harsh. The way you typed it may not be how people would say it, I would say it in an overdramatic huffy kind of tone because you sounded pissed off that she didn't mention your post.
 
Gamers - dont worry about it so much. I did take it the wrong way I think but I am looking for help and advice for my daughter and I just found your comments were getting in the way a little and were not very constructive at all :rolleyes2:
 
gamers1700 said:
First thing you may want to remember is that while your daughter does show many traits of AS (enough that I would seek an assessment), it's best not to throw labels around until you know.

That being said, sometimes it's best just to leave the room for a few minutes when she gets riled up if she doesn't want to talk, but make her you give her the option to vent if she wants to. Probably the best thing you can do when she's spiteful or 'cutting' in her tones would be to walk away and return when she calms down and explain to her calmly and honestly how it made you feel, and try not to talk over her if she tries to interject. Stay firm with your point, but try not to be condescending. Nobody likes it, though I'm not accusing you of this.

Panic attacks can be tricky. Some people might need the contact of someone they trust, others just want their space. If she's the type that wants her space, try just being in the same room, but at the same time try not to seem like you're bearing down on her with your eyes or something, but don't be overly avoidant of making eye contact. The key here is not to look worried, calm is almost as contagious as worry sometimes; reassuring in a way. I dunno if I can cover everything or even know everything about this sort of thing, but for most it will help.

Best Wishes

*edit* I just read Willow's post, those are very good ideas too. She'll probably have a better idea what's going on with her since they're both girls
Click to expand...
So mind telling me how this is not constructive or worth negative rep? Assuming you neg'd it, anyway.

Also, an eye rolling smiley indicates to me that you didn't even appretiate the help I did try to provide. If that's the case, you should be grateful for any help offered. Of course, ignore that if it's not the case.

Oh yeah, I'm in a REALLY bad mood right now, this is likely just exasperating it. Apologies if I'm out of line.

*edit*
Hmm...perhaps I came on a bit strong. My reason for being pissed off is because the neg rep is to indicate personal disapproval of a post's overall content. Neg'ing all posts of a single user for the principle of it is just disrespectfull, is abusing the priveledges provided to you, and is asking for trouble (notice how the rep rules have changed? You're partially to blame if you have been abusing the rep button).
That rolling eyes smiley is actually more disrespecfull due to the fact that even if I was pissy, it seems pretty obvious that it could have been put a lot worse. Did you see me rant on about not being awknowledged? NO!
And lastly, this site is full of people like your daughter (assuming she's AS). How do you think she'd respond to a genuine attempt at being helpfull and polite (even if she held back being angery) criticized? I'm sure she'd react much the same way.
 
OMG! I am sooooo sorry, I have got completely confused with another forum I am on.......am so tired out! please accept my sincere apologies. Busy now, but will reply to you later :thumbsup:
 
While I highly suspect you're either dripping with sarcasm or trying to patronize, I may have over-reacted a tad myself (not all your fault). I apologise for being so agressive in my return, but I still stand behind the grass roots of what I said.
 
It's an Aspie site, it's to be expected. Besides, I was quite miserable over a few things off the net. When I'm already ticked over something, it's not hard to get me aggravated. lol
 
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