Dealing with a sense of demoralization

[Neri]

I'm coming to realize that I can overcome this with reality checks.

I was thinking, just now, in the shower, how much I've achieved, even though I've never been able to support myself, finanicially, despite working a great deal and doing a good job at what I've done, for the most part. I've done things that many people would consider undoable, just for anyone, let alone a 'disabled" person.

I've been ignored, gaslit, exploited and minimised or shamed for a lot of it too. I know some of that often goes with the autistic territory so I'll take it "on the chin" as they say.

I raised a large family of ND children, some with intense and high needs challenges, I've worked as a musical, performance artist and original artist as well, at the same time. And as a free lance and unpaid peer support worker, youth support, indigenous people support and homeless mothers support for many years, while at the same time being in a narcissistic abuse situation and while in recovery from that narcissistic abuse situation.


My children are all decent humans, in varying states of health and worldly success. We live in a regional area in the easterly part of Australia. I don't drive.

Being quote unquote "poor" and not being able to help my struggling offspring more, in this terrible recession slash slipping into a economic depression, is part of what I'm struggling with, as the demoralization part, on top of what I can only surmise is just the average autistic person's common day to day experience of the; being ignored for good work, being under or non numerated for services rendered and being judged, slandered, maligned and misunderstood, because of quote unquote "difference" and being unwilling and/or unable to "play the game" socially speaking.

I know that, at the same time, that I've inspired a lot of people, comforted and helped very lonely and unhappy people, entertained people and helped people feel more comfortable to "be themselves" as I have gotten feedback, here and there, to that effect.

I do crave the social validation of paid work and the freedom from struggle and exclusion that not having developed money-making skills has incurred (Oh, that's a weird double negative sentence, I hope you get my drift!). And I hope that going forward I can learn to build a sustainable and fullfilling lifestyle whilst also enjoying the social inclusion that having a paid job, many people take for granted. I need to afford training to get into the kinds of paid jobs I covet, though, at this stage.

The support I've had availed to me these past 6 months or so is making that seem possible, but, at the same time, hope feels a little cognitively dissonant as I've had a lot of the exploitative and mean spirited treatment or just being taken for granted. Plenty of this is how my brain wired in childhood combined the ASD&ADHD.

Also, I'm in a long term relationship with someone who really appreciates me, now . He is a "disabled" man, as well, with many similar issues and the same theme of past abuse, exploitation and maligning (also autistic), but we boost each other up. He battles demoralization a lot too though and struggles with substance abuse, which is hard for me to deal with too. Sigh. I'm getting a lot of support skills under my belt by being in this situation though, so there's a silver lining.

I've been looking at training in substance abuse recovery support these last few days, but, there is nothing available in my area, at the moment.

I have a lot of skills and care in the mental health, autism, trauma recovery, narcissistic abuse, and substance abuse recovery arena, but, no actual paper credentials, completed, at this stage.

I've lined up some shamanic healing training though, for when I return from visiting my youngest son and Dad and extended family, in my birth city, Melbourne, starting in September. I hope I can find a way to get there and to afford it though.

 

[jsilver256]

I read your post - yes, that fast, because "text" is my actual "innate" language.

you are being far, far too harsh on yourself.

I am, objectively, the most lucky member in this forum because my special interest, no exaggeration, is in the most profitable field out there. any slight deviation in special interest and my life would have been radically different.

even though it feels like you are alone, you are not alone.

accept any assistance with zero shame!

 

[Neri]

It does help, being part of this forum, really does help me feel less excluded and marginalized .

Being "2e" brings with it excruciating self awareness of knowing how exceptionally capable we are supposed to be, while at the same time being exceptionally UN-capable. The "glass ceiling" for autistic people is a thing for so many of us.

I was always reminded how "capable" I came across, intellectually, from school reports and such, but, there was zero support for my mental health struggles, so I dropped out and became a homeless kid. After much terribleness that goes with THAT territory (as a female) and totally socially clueless and incapable (barely could get words out, at that stage), I got my small window in the music industry. I needed that job to help me learn how to open my mouth and communicate. At huge personal cost. So many things have pushed back on me to cause difficulty to achieve any worldly success in that arena though. Sigh. The burden of knowing you are exceptional, but exceptionally challenged, at the same time.
I enjoy the not-feeling-so-lonely here though.

 

[jsilver256]

for what little it's worth: my belief is that we are all judged by what is in our heart and how we act upon that according to our capabilities.

the Old Testament is an intesting study in that regard, because we have kings of Israel / Judah who we have independent historical references to and they accomplished great things on the battlefield and building monuments and such other earthly accomplishments.

then you cross-reference them to the Old Testament and it's lke "whatever, God hated them because their heart wasn't for the poor."

seriously. money, prestige, fame, etc do not matter. Your HEART matters!

 

[jsilver256]

Being "2e" brings with it excruiciating self awareness of knowing how exceptionally capable we are supposed to be, while at the same time being exceptionally UN-capable.

I'd have a lot to say on this if I weren't so alexithymic. But I'll stand by my previous posts.

To what extent I am an expert on topic, is solely owed due to what "hooked" me as a special interest. Between 2000-2012 or so, almost no college students studied programming - as strange as it sounds. That was because it was the "Dotcom bust" years and the assumption was that programming was fungible (it isn't).

Things started picking up again around 2016 or so, and college majors along with these - but by then, programming wasn't actually taught anymore, it was all project management and learning APIs then. But this nonetheless produced a big opportunity for junior programmers and, in relation to the company growth/economy etc, almost no senior programmers. And that disparity has persisted then.

The point being. It really is all luck. Stop being hard on yourself. Sell your house, take that assistance, and retire somewhere. And you never know - and I share this because you are a believer as well. God may be intending this precisely because he wants to free you up to spread his word.

You have lots of work yet to do for God. It's just maybe not within the stupid capitalism rat race.

 

[Neri]

I'd have a lot to say on this if I weren't so alexithymic. But I'll stand by my previous posts.

To what extent I am an expert on topic, is solely owed due to what "hooked" me as a special interest. Between 2000-2012 or so, almost no college students studied programming - as strange as it sounds. That was because it was the "Dotcom bust" years and the assumption was that programming was fungible (it isn't).

Things started picking up again around 2016 or so, and college majors along with these - but by then, programming wasn't actually taught anymore, it was all project management and learning APIs then. But this nonetheless produced a big opportunity for junior programmers and, in relation to the company growth/economy etc, almost no senior programmers. And that disparity has persisted then.

The point being. It really is all luck. Stop being hard on yourself. Sell your house, take that assistance, and retire somewhere. And you never know - and I share this because you are a believer as well. God may be intending this precisely because he wants to free you up to spread his word.

You have lots of work yet to do for God. It's just maybe not within the stupid capitalism rat race.

Sell your house? Noooooo, I can barely make rent in social housing. I live in Australia where the wealthy (this includes my parents, but they don't realise that owning your own place makes you wealthy in this country) own property, and the have-nots barely scrape by to pay rent, because real estate is our main means of economy and housing inflation is off its head. I have a child (18 year old) paying around $420 a week for a cubby hole in student accommodation who can't afford to eat and buy what he needs to study at the moment and he's suffering autistic burnout, come about just to get where he is. I live in a low income, flood affected regional (country) area myself. Cities are waaay too sensory overload for me.

If I hadn't had children I would be way less burdened, of course (all parents will get this) because I have multiple ASD kids and not the means to house any of them or help them on their way, at this point and it's a hard pill to swallow.
I don't need to retire. I need a job and the ongoing health to manage to keep one and the support to get the training needed to obtain one.
I am the mother of 7 children. Two with schizophrenia (this diagnosis is more common in Autistic genetic lines), One of these has ASD2-3 and the rest of my children have varying degrees of ASD and/or ADHD and all have complex trauma issues (their Dad is, quite abusive, a felon, and recently did a spell in prison).
I think you are mixing me up with @Neia, which is quite understandable, you aren't the first .
I'm spiritual and have a relationship with Yeshua and yet I don't really get as much out of the organized Christian dogma so much as my own "revealed" experiential path. A "Noetic" approach, if you will.
Thank you @jsilver256, though, for trying to cheer me up. I think I'm quite anxious as I am catching a plane to a huge city half away across our vast, sparsely-peopled land tomorrow. And to top it off I am broke and have a cold. I just wish I could help out some of my struggling Autie offspring at the moment and I'm financially struggling myself. It's all ok though. I AM a woman of faith. I've ALWAYS lived my very genuinely christian values, but without the support of any church.
I can't do organized religion.

By the way, the self same son I'm going down to visit wants to do "programming" "coding" on top of a host of other creative projects. He's very multi-talented and brilliant, as "2e" as me.

Hopefully, my guy friend will be able to help me out re financing my trip. I just feel bad because he is trying to save to buy a removal truck so he can get out of a toxic work environment that is wrecking him.

 

[jsilver256]

I think you are mixing me up with @Neia, which is quite understandable, you aren't the first .

Oops, you are CORRECT!! So many apologies.

By the way, the self same son I'm going down to visit wants to do "programming" "coding" on rop of a host of other creative projects. He's very multi-talented and brilliant, as "2e" as me.

Hopefully, my guy friend will be able to help me out re financing my trip. I just feel bad because he is trying to save to buy a removal truck so he can get out of a toxic work environment that is wrecking him.

Sounds like you are well supported in terms of both family and friends. Good luck.

 

[Neri]

Oops, you are CORRECT!! So many apologies.




Sounds like you are well supported in terms of both family and friends. Good luck.

That I am. One is better off counting one's blessings , and I have many.

 

[AuAL]

@Neri, I wanted to add my agreement to @jsilver256’s first reply, but the upgrade appears to have broken the responses (I can “confirm” a “thumbs up” but nothing else.) So I’ll say it - you are doing a wonderful job for your family and community. You are a positive influence on so many people’s lives. I envy you.

 

[Neri]

T

@Neri, I wanted to add my agreement to @jsilver256’s first reply, but the upgrade appears to have broken the responses (I can “confirm” a “thumbs up” but nothing else.) So I’ll say it - you are doing a wonderful job for your family and community. You are a positive influence on so many people’s lives. I envy you.

Thank you @AuAL, that means a lot.

 

[Roisin]

Creativity seems to be a strength for you, maybe a consistent one across your lived experience, it reads to me like it has served you well and will continue to.

I'm curious about how you face difficult tasks now, I remember you wrote the term white knuckling somewhere, it struck me as a perfect term.

The hardest part of my relearning how to be well was how to motivate myself without fear or harm.

I'm still figuring out what works for me, so far its chunking tasks, one teeny tiny step at a time, reminders that all things change and a loved one to have my back for when I want to fling it all out the window with frustration at the painfully slow pace.

 

[Neri]

Creativity seems to be a strength for you, maybe a consistent one across your lived experience, it reads to me like it has served you well and will continue to.

I'm curious about how you face difficult tasks now, I remember you wrote the term white knuckling somewhere, it struck me as a perfect term.

The hardest part of my relearning how to be well was how to motivate myself without fear or harm.

I'm still figuring out what works for me, so far its chunking tasks, one teeny tiny step at a time, reminders that all things change and a loved one to have my back for when I want to fling it all out the window with frustration at the painfully slow pace.

How I face difficult tasks? Hmmmm, when I CAN come at them.
I try or maybe I do, stay heart focused as frequently as possible.
I remind myself to stay present; stimming if need be, to help focus me, soothe me and ground myself (a dissociation-proofing, if you will ).
I, also chunk tasks into small, bite size pieces.
I ask for help when I can, as it seems necessary, plenty, these days.
To be honest, a lot of things I avoid, to prioritize regulation, to my ongoing shame and detriment.
Not my families wellbeing though, that I prioritize; limited I may be, yet I have ample heart to compensate some, at least.
I treat my inner being as a priority, too, AND I've reintroduced an exercise regime, which I employ supports to transport me and a trainer to teach me and "body double" to counter the awful, what I call "freeze-hide response" cross with a powerful dose of "autistic inertia" that been plaguing me this last year or so.
I insist on being very forthright and honest, and at the same time, I'm having to avoid and/or limit exposure to those who I'm in a, potentially, unsafe position to be honest and authentic with.
I'm needful of a lot of rest at times and comforting stimmy escapism, as my nervous system has been cruelly damaged and my children are, finally grown. I'm also needful of creative practise, for my burgeoning sense of self worth; so vital.
I'm fortunate to be in a country that has some supports for struggling autists, if one can provide evidence for significant level of struggling, which I've been in process of for a good 6-8 months now.
"White knuckling" is saved for utter essentials, like I will need to, for my upcoming trip to Melbourne tomorrow. I'm only going for the week, and I'm doing my best to stay present and avoid "future projecting" and causing myself excessive anxiety, but, the body still senses the assault that will be the airport, the city and the onslaught of familial socializing. I'm confident I don't have to explain to another autist how exhausting and what a sensory ordeal that will, inevitably, be.

 

[Roisin]

How I face difficult tasks? Hmmmm, when I CAN come at them.
I try or maybe I do, stay heart focused as frequently as possible.
I remind myself to stay present; stimming if need be, to help focus me, soothe me and ground myself (a dissociation-proofing, if you will ).
I, also chunk tasks into small, bite size pieces.
I ask for help when I can, as it seems necessary, plenty, these days.
To be honest, a lot of things I avoid, to prioritize regulation, to my ongoing shame and detriment.
Not my families wellbeing though, that I prioritize; limited I may be, yet I have ample heart to compensate some, at least.
I treat my inner being as a priority, too, AND I've reintroduced an exercise regime, which I employ supports to transport me and a trainer to teach me and "body double" to counter the awful, what I call "freeze-hide response" cross with a powerful dose of "autistic inertia" that been plaguing me this last year or so.
I insist on being very forthright and honest, and at the same time, I'm having to avoid and/or limit exposure to those who I'm in a, potentially, unsafe position to be honest and authentic with.
I'm needful of a lot of rest at times and comforting stimmy escapism, as my nervous system has been cruelly damaged and my children are, finally grown. I'm also needful of creative practise, for my burgeoning sense of self worth; so vital.
I'm fortunate to be in a country that has some supports for struggling autists, if one can provide evidence for significant level of struggling, which I've been in process of for a good 6-8 months now.
"White knuckling" is saved for utter essentials, like I will need to, for my upcoming trip to Melbourne tomorrow. I'm only going for the week, and I'm doing my best to stay present and avoid "future projecting" and causing myself excessive anxiety, but, the body still senses the assault that will be the airport, the city and the onslaught of familial socializing. I'm confident I don't have to explain to another autist how exhausting and what a sensory ordeal that will, inevitably, be.

Thank you for that detail, how complex and unique we are eh.
No explanation needed indeed, I hope you get enough down-time and enjoy the days you spend with loved ones.