Dealing With A Sociopath

[Yeshuasdaughter]

My homeless, drug addicted brother would show up daily to ask my father for money. If my mother put her foot down because he was being inappropriate, or telling him absolutely no money, my brother would start yelling, saying horrible things to my mother, telling her that she's coming between him and our dad.

He was always saying how close he was to Dad, how they were "homies", "bros". But on the same day, he'd be speaking vehemently towards our father, if he didn't have cash or refused cash to my brother.

Meanwhile my father, even after strokes, used each time he saw my brother to try to plead with him to get clean and sober, to take his place as one of the only men in a family of women. To be the helper, protector, listening ear, and guide that our father had always tried to be.

My brother would just act nice for a few, to placate our father, take the money, go get high, and come back the next day being a jerk again.

Now Dad has passed away. My brother is being horrible to my widowed mother. My mother doesn't want to give him money. My brother calls her repeatedly and sends chains of long tweaker texts telling her what a piece of ... she is.

Not only that, but his "bro" his "homie" his best friend, our father, he refers to as "The Dead Guy". And not in a loving way either.

Example: "It's all because you and The Dead Guy wouldn't...."

It makes her cry.

It makes me angry.

It happens multiple times a day, and late into the wee hours of the morning.

I told her this is abuse. But she promised our father that she would try to keep the family together. Plus I think he is the last bit of Dad that she has left. So she won't get a restraining order. She won't block him from her phone.

Adult Protective Services had investigated him back in October, but my father loved and believed in my brother so much, that he wouldn't tell them anything, and said everything is fine.

My Mom back in October wanted my father protected from my awful brother, but now, even though he makes her cry, and has kind of broken her spirit like one would from beating a mare, she wants to honor Dad's wishes.

I'm so frustrated. Sad.

What can I do? What would you do?

It's sort of breaking me down too. Grief, shock, and hurt.

 

[KingDiamond]

My homeless, drug addicted brother would show up daily to ask my father for money. If my mother put her foot down because he was being inappropriate, or telling him absolutely no money, my brother would start yelling, saying horrible things to my mother, telling her that she's coming between him and our dad.

He was always saying how close he was to Dad, how they were "homies", "bros". But on the same day, he'd be speaking vehemently towards our father, if he didn't have cash or refused cash to my brother.

Meanwhile my father, even after strokes, used each time he saw my brother to try to plead with him to get clean and sober, to take his place as one of the only men in a family of women. To be the helper, protector, listening ear, and guide that our father had always tried to be.

My brother would just act nice for a few, to placate our father, take the money, go get high, and come back the next day being a jerk again.

Now Dad has passed away. My brother is being horrible to my widowed mother. My mother doesn't want to give him money. My brother calls her repeatedly and sends chains of long tweaker texts telling her what a piece of ... she is.

Not only that, but his "bro" his "homie" his best friend, our father, he refers to as "The Dead Guy". And not in a loving way either.

Example: "It's all because you and The Dead Guy wouldn't...."

It makes her cry.

It makes me angry.

It happens multiple times a day, and late into the wee hours of the morning.

I told her this is abuse. But she promised our father that she would try to keep the family together. Plus I think he is the last bit of Dad that she has left. So she won't get a restraining order. She won't block him from her phone.

Adult Protective Services had investigated him back in October, but my father loved and believed in my brother so much, that he wouldn't tell them anything, and said everything is fine.

My Mom back in October wanted my father protected from my awful brother, but now, even though he makes her cry, and has kind of broken her spirit like one would from beating a mare, she wants to honor Dad's wishes.

I'm so frustrated. Sad.

What can I do? What would you do?

It's sort of breaking me down too. Grief, shock, and hurt.

You all need an order of protection from him. I'm so sorry for what you are all going through.

 

[Aspychata]

Sorry to read his behavior has escalated. Can your mom block his number?

 

[Judge]

Yeah. You need to file a restraining order against him to protect your family. Though understand with the behavior and conduct of an addict, he's bound to violate the order if the authorities process it. Meaning dire consequences for him.

Start here:

https://www.shannonpowelllaw.com/blog/how-to-get-a-restraining-order-in-oregon
https://www.portland.gov/policies/p...rt-0800/082500-protection-orders-and-domestic

 

[Forest Cat]

I'm sorry you have to deal with that, I know too well how people are when they are tweaking and out of control. It can turn the nicest person in the world into a horrible monster.

I know what I would do in that situation but it's not what I would have wanted to do. Not at all. But if he is spiralling out of control like that he is dangerous. I don't know what you should do, there are few choices. But you have to protect yourself, even if it means having him locked up. That drug he is on is just a nightmare.

One thing, all those horrible things he says, that's not really your brother talking. Don't take it too personally, if he sobered up he would most likely feel terrible for everything he said and did. But right now he's not really in control of anything.

But I'm sure you know all this already so it's not really helpful, all I can do is wish you the best of luck with everything.

 

[Aspychata]

Sadly, many parents enable their grown children's vile habits. They don't always realize they are a part of the equation. However when the act of violence starts becoming a reality, after years of verbal abuse, often times it's to late to save a life. And your mother may not comprehend it can turn into that. Sadly, there was a guy on a killing rampage in Rockford, IL, just yesterday, simply because his pot cigarette was laced with something so horrible that he went crazy. The other possibility and l say this as a last resort, is to get him committed because you can't afford to get him into a program to clean him up. But you and your mother and daughter can't continue to live in fear for the rest of your lives. I did find this link with possible free rehab, however it's difficult if the person doesn't want to clean up. When we become trapped in a vicious abusive cycle, we can feel quite hopeless and unable to see that severe action may need to be taken. The second link also covers drug addiction.
https://addictionresource.com/drug-rehab/free-rehabs/#immediatehttps://m.choosehelp.com/topics/mental-health/can-you-have-a-relative-that-needs-treatment-committed

 

[Aspychata]

https://m.choosehelp.com/topics/int...ion-and-involuntary-commitment-of-a-loved-one

 

[Rodafina]

@Yeshuasdaughter

A very tough situation. I know this situation has been going on for a long while, but it stings even more to read about it now while your family is grieving and coming to terms with your father's death.

Maybe you can help your family members to think of your brother as the drug now. It is a sad thing to accept, but at this point he is a dangerous and unpredictable drug. You are not battling against your brother, the flawed human. You are battling against an insidious addiction. Any extreme measures you take (restraining order, having him sectioned, calling the cops on him etc.) are to battle the thing that has taken your brother away, not your brother himself.

I think your mother and possibly others also need to grieve the loss of your brother because he is not there right now. That's not to excuse his behavior in any way. It just means that you are in a dire situation and it's time to protect yours, your daughter's, and your mother's safety. That would also be honoring your father's wishes. He would not ever want one of you hurt.

 

[Alexej]

My word - you are going through the mill. Sorry to hear of this as well as all the other stuff going on in your life.

You can draw lines regarding his behaviour.
We have had to put money as an "non negotiable" topic when we had a family member always emotionally blackmailing my wife for money.

It was hard for her to say no, but eventually the message got through that this was not a topic for discussion.
Hard, yes, but loving.

They were welcome to come and visit but giving money (or "lending" money) was not a topic we would accept.


If there are messages coming through at night, put the phone somewhere that you don't/won't hear it ping when a message arrives. You deserve your sleep and rest.