Dealing with Death.

[Wolfnox]

So ive found ways to help with this. Through my faith as a christian. And an ideal i live by. Im always careful not to become emotional. It can cripple me severly over several days. I just try to stay upbeat. And if possible avoid funerals. How do you all cope?

 

[Mia]

Think that you simply have to let it work itself out, and feel the pain it causes and mourn in your own way. It can cripple you for awhile, but that means that the person meant
something to you.

It's not something you can rush, or forget about or put aside for long. It's the way life is, there will be people you know, who will die. And as you go along there will be more. The first one is the most difficult and usually the younger you are, the more painful it is.

Feeling it, and working through it if you can will take some time.

 

[Aspychata]

I accept death. l accept that we move on. I don't give it anymore emotion. l save my energy for thinking about the here. Why waste emotions on something we can't change? It's like the process of worrying. I use to spend all my time worrying. But it didn't resolve anything. l feel that thinking about death is simply a preoccupation for some. You could be missing out on a beautiful sunset, a great book, hanging out with someone or you could spend your time wrapped up in the biggest universe conspiracy. Where do we go once we close our eyes for the very last time? Anyways, in contemplating death, l hope you find comfort and wisdom otherwise, think about your beautiful life here maybe? l am thankful for the time l had to know certain people in my lifetime. l would bring back my grandmother. l defintely miss her and find myself thinking of her years and years later.

 

[Fino]

I'm so confused about this whole thing and sometimes hope that I'll one day understand but am not sure if I really do want to understand.

I can't fathom how death is sad. It just doesn't make sense to me.

I understand difficulties caused by the death, such as if it were your partner. That's a huge effect on your life and you've lost your partner.

But, to me, that isn't death itself effecting you. Many people seem to cringe at the concept of death and are saddened when they hear of anyone's death, whether or not it has actual impact on their life. And that, I don't understand.

I'd be happy to die at any moment. Why wouldn't I be? I would finally not be doing things. No more things! Yay!

As far as I know, of course.

I play piano for people on hospice care, until they die. If that ever comes up in conversation, people have a pained expression and say something like, "Ooo, that's tough," or "that must be hard."

Why? Why would it be hard? What am I missing? I learned in training that death is taboo in our society and that people fear the unknown, often more than anything. Is that all it is?

Even then, why would that effect me? They're the ones facing the unknown.

Death doesn't feel taboo to me so it's really hard to talk about it with people as if it is, and I have offended people many times.

 

[GadAbout]

The distress with death is partly its finality. There is no coming back from it, no changing one's mind.

Still, after a long life well-lived, I don't experience sadness for the deceased. I do feel sad contemplating a short life cut off too early, it seems such a waste. And I can feel sorry for my own bereavement if it was someone who mattered to me - self-pity.

 

[Xerces Blue]

First thing you have to understand is that the pain you feel when someone dies is not pain for them but pain for yourself because of the lost chances to interact with said person, to learn from them - they're experiences, point of view, the things they did, how they could change things in your life.
Their life is over, their possibilities are over, their pain is over.

As for your own death it's either an end of your existence and so once it happens nothing can hurt you as you can't feel anything (how can something that doesn't exist experience anything?)
Or
It's a new beginning.
My own opinion as far as religion goes is this: Any God that expects you to find the "one true church" out of the multitude there are when the ones that survive all have "SOMETHING" good to teach is a fool and does not deserve respect as he/she/it does not understand it's own creation or possess empathy or sympathy making it a sociopath.

 

[Suzanne]

I used to have a morbid fear of death, but on finding out what happens when we die, I came to see it is not death itself, it is dying that is the scary part.

Since you say you are a christian, you won't mind me quoting a scripture? Ecclesiasties 9:5, 6 is what helped me to know what happens when we die and give me courage to not fear as I used to.

 

[Bolletje]

I’m a doctor, so dealing with death as is doesn’t really bother me. I’ve been called a lot during night shifts to pronounce death and I’ve had my fair share of coaching people through their final days. That gives me a sense of fulfillment when it goes well.
Dealing with death in loved ones is different. I cry excessively at funerals. The collective grief of all the people present really gets to me. Other than that, I slowly get used to the deceased no longer being in my life. It takes time. I lost my beloved grandfather in March this year. I still miss him. But my grandmother and I regularly talk about cherished memories and how much we miss him, and that makes it easier for me to deal with the loss.
I don’t fear my own death. In a way, I look forward to it, because it means an end to struggle and pain. I don’t believe there’s anything after death, I’ll just cease to exist.

 

[SusanLR]

I do fear my own death since it is unknown what it will feel like and what, if anything awaits after.

The death of one I am close with is the most painful.
I don't feel pain for the one who has died since they have done it, it is over and there is no returning
unless it be incarnation.
The hurt is for myself and the emptiness it left in my life.
The death of the one and maybe only one that I have ever felt that attached to has been like a
new life for me. A life I never wanted to face.
Now the feeling is I have only myself because I don't have the ability to make fulfilling connections
with others.
So I have not coped well and time doesn't seem to help.

 

[Progster]

I find death hard to accept, either my own or that of a person close to me. I find it hard to accept as a concept, that everything I feel and think, will be nothing, and that I have absolutely no control over it. Perhaps I feel this way because I am not ready to die. Perhaps when the time comes I will find peace with it; I sincerely hope so, because right now I have no peace with it, and it fills me with a sense of dread whenever I think about it. As a species, having a big brain - awareness of one's own mortality is the greatest burden humans have to face, and the trade-off for having a big brain, and religions are a coping mechanisms for this existential angst. I don't have a religious or spiritual faith, and don't believe in a creator, or that there is an after life, so such coping mechanisms don't work for me. You aren't, then you are, then you aren't again. And that's it.

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

You aren't, then you are, then you aren't again. And that's it

Suddenly all the religions of the world collapsed.

Progsters got it sorted.

Job done.

Please forward all tithes to me.

Ta.

 

[Progster]

Please forward all tithes to me.

Hang on... where's my share in this? 50/50

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

Hang on... where's my share in this? 50/50

You dont need money. You grow vegetables.

I,however,have expenses.

 

[Progster]

You dont need money. You grow vegetables.

I,however,have expenses.

Want to swap?

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

I'm so confused about this whole thing and sometimes hope that I'll one day understand but am not sure if I really do want to understand.

I can't fathom how death is sad. It just doesn't make sense to me.

Same (I'm a little weirded out by how much time I spend agreeing with you). Everyone dies eventually, and everyone knows that, why be upset when the inevitable happens?

My grandparents are all dead now, I didn't find their deaths in any way difficult to deal with. I felt sad for my parents who were grieving and did what I could for them but that's it. I just don't grieve. This may be due to my living reasonably far away from my family, going from seeing a person 3 times a year to never isn't that big a change.

I'm not scared by the prospect of death either. I don't want my death to be painful of course, but I don't see anything upsetting or scary about no longer existing.

 

[Misery]

I deal with it mostly by not dealing with it. Unlike most, I dont claim to understand the mysteries behind life and death. Heck if I know. At random intervals, theories about it may occur to me, but that's usually out of boredom. I tend to theorize about random things if I'm bored enough and that's one possible topic. I have my ideas, and leave others to their beliefs without questioning/pestering them (which is something I hate seeing happen, it's bloody irritating... you know, the type of person that jumps in with "You idiot OF COURSE it's THIS, are you stupid?", as if they themselves had died for awhile and brought samples back with them as proof of whatever.) Other than that though... it's just a natural thing. Whatever the mystery might be, there's no point in me pondering it TOO much. I simply accept the fact that I have no bloody idea. Just like with many, many things. And that's just how I am.

What I CANT deal with is losing anyone. Totally wrecks me. Granted it obviously depends on how well I knew said person, but still. Or pets. As an animal lover I've had plenty of pets. I do not handle their loss well and would do nearly anything to get them back.

The one thing I absolutely do not do under any circumstances is go to funerals. Cant handle it. Just... no.

I'm so confused about this whole thing and sometimes hope that I'll one day understand but am not sure if I really do want to understand.

I can't fathom how death is sad. It just doesn't make sense to me.

I understand difficulties caused by the death, such as if it were your partner. That's a huge effect on your life and you've lost your partner.

But, to me, that isn't death itself effecting you. Many people seem to cringe at the concept of death and are saddened when they hear of anyone's death, whether or not it has actual impact on their life. And that, I don't understand.

I'd be happy to die at any moment. Why wouldn't I be? I would finally not be doing things. No more things! Yay!

As far as I know, of course.

I play piano for people on hospice care, until they die. If that ever comes up in conversation, people have a pained expression and say something like, "Ooo, that's tough," or "that must be hard."

Why? Why would it be hard? What am I missing? I learned in training that death is taboo in our society and that people fear the unknown, often more than anything. Is that all it is?

Even then, why would that effect me? They're the ones facing the unknown.

Death doesn't feel taboo to me so it's really hard to talk about it with people as if it is, and I have offended people many times.

They say things like "Oh, that must be hard" in a sympathetic way, most likely. Most people have been through the pain and/or despair of losing someone they cared about. So there is an assumption that, if someone you know is suddenly gone, it is probably hard for you as well. Even if you didnt know that person very well. Some people with high sensitivity will be heavily affected by even the loss of someone they only met yesterday. It's impossible to really know without getting to know the person, so that assumption is there. Also alot of people that DO have to deal with death alot in their job can tend to become extremely depressed or worse after too much of it. Some people might know someone who is in that state, or even be in that state themselves. It's all very complicated. But then, what isnt?

 

[George Newman]

Fascinating topic. Thank you for the post.

Taking into account each ones concept of death; maybe one way to approach it is to respect it for its finality and make each day the very best we can for ourselves and those we come in contact with ..... starting with today.

This approach allows us to pass right by petty irks and self-centeredness and gives us space to really care, deeply love, and purposefully live.

Great forum topic, WolfPrince. Thank you for the reminder.

 

[Baeraad]

I hate death (he said, bravely courting controversy ). Mostly because I hate change. My idea of perfection is very much the biblical Paradise - no birth, no death, no work, just an eternity of loafing about in a state of grace. Some say that sounds boring, but I don't get bored. If things are good, I want them to stay that way forever, and if they're bad, I want them to get good and then stay that way forever. No such luck, of course.

As for how I deal with it... well, by focusing on the now, mostly. Death will happen whether you think about it or not, so you might as well not think about it and just do what seems best. Build what you can, and pretend it's going to last. But it's true that sometimes I worry that I'm not mentally prepared for dying, and that that will lead to me being scared and in pain when it finally becomes inevitable.

Of course... right now, I feel that death would be sweet release. But I'm hoping to stop feeling like that at some point.

 

[Pats]

As a nurse I dealt a lot with death, also. But my mom's death was hard for me. My mom and I were very close - it was basically me and her for years. The morning before she died she had the home health hospice nurse pray with her that she would not suffocate and that her heart would just give out instead. All her life her worst fear was suffocating and that's what the doctors had told her would happen when she did die, that she'd not be able to get any oxygen. My sisters and I were sitting with her for her last breath and she never struggled once to breathe, her heart just stopped. I believe that God was with her and she did not have to suffer as she had feared.

warning - from a nurse who's used to things that may bother someone else...…...
So often, as a nurse, I would see family members insist on doing everything possible to keep the patients alive when I could see the begging in the eyes of the patient to just let them go. When you get older and you're tired and sick - you've lived a good life and ready for death but the families so often won't allow it. If it's a chronic illness and you bring them back, you're only bringing them back for a short time and making them have to go through death over and over. I had a patient in his 20's, he had aids. He had returned to my floor after being in ICU after being resuscitated. Now this was a young man, with strong bones and all and the first thing he said to me was to not let them do that to him again - the torture he said he went through - broken ribs, shock burns, intubated, and so on. If it's hard for a young person, I imagine how hard it is for someone in their 70's or 80's. I know the first time I ever did cpr and my patient was a feeble old lady, the first time I pressed down on her chest I could hear and feel, pop pop pop - her ribs breaking away from her sternum. And in both cases, they were just brought back and died within a couple months later. I've told my kids that I only want to die once, and when it's my time to go - let me.

 

[Judge]

I find grief to be an intensely personal thing. That whatever one does individually is apt to be the right thing, but for them and them alone. That there is no such thing as a collective social expression of grief.

Bear in mind this is about grief alone. Not necessarily an element of social protocols connected with attendance to functions like memorial services and funerals. That's something else, IMO.