Dealing with gaslighters at work

[ShaunG]

I am on the Autism spectrum. I have had issues over the years with people who target me with gaslighting. I am dealing with one now. I have an accommodation letter at work because I am on the spectrum. Whenever someone comes at me, I go to my superiors and report it. When I suspect I'm being targeted, I document any and every suspect interaction with them. I am quite ruthless about it because I put up with a lot of it in school and now have zero tolerance for it.

Does anyone else here find themselves targeted at work or school?

 

[MildredHubble]

I've also experienced a lot of gaslighting throughout my life. I also have very much zero tolerance for it too. It can happen anywhere, but I experienced some pretty egregious examples in a horrible place I used to work.

The problem is when not very bright people try to gaslight they lack the intelligence to understand that you know what they are up to, so they keep trying to do it thinking that it was just a fluke that you sussed them out.

Occasionally you might get someone intelligent who likes to indulge in gaslighting but unless they're a sociopath, they tend to realise that you can't be manipulated when you've shown you are wise to what they are doing.

To be honest, with the first group, it's not the gaslighting that bothers me all that much, it's the persistence! It's quite boring and exhausting when someone thinks they are in a battle of wits that you aren't even engaging in.

 

[Aspychata]

In places where there is competition for cash tips, you do see ruthless gaslighting done in the hopes to get others to quit. I saw one waitress pushed to tears. She entered in her entire table's food and then it disappeared in the POS system.. She was crying and she quit that night. The same thing was tried on me, and the table was right next to very loud entertainment. I just went up and told them, their order disappeared, and could l take it again. It worked.

 

[MildredHubble]

In places where there is competition for cash tips, you do see ruthless gaslighting done in the hopes to get others to quit. I saw one waitress pushed to tears. She entered in her entire table's food and then it disappeared in the POS system.. She was crying and she quit that night. The same thing was tried on me, and the table was right next to very loud entertainment. I just went up and told them, their order disappeared, and could l take it again. It worked.

It's awful when people do this sort of thing to people just trying to earn a living! You've gotta be some kind of piece of work to do that to someone!

In the horrible job I worked, I spent about 2-3 hours doing a task demanded (literally) by a manager who told me I couldn't take my lunch until it was done. So late lunch for me. I finished the task and went to take my break. One of my lovely colleagues literally tore down and destroyed the work. My boss came into the office in a rage telling me I had skipped out to lunch before it was done.

I asked the colleague how come my work was torn down on the floor. He said with smug tone "Oh perhaps it was the wind" with a big smirk on his face. So I redid the work, this time I used a staple gun! Then once I had finished I said to my colleague "Well, that's done for the second time, and I'll tell you what, if the wind blows it down again I'll break it's arms!"

There wasn't much he could say to that, unless of course he wanted to admit to being "the wind" lol!

 

[ShaunG]

I've also experienced a lot of gaslighting throughout my life. I also have very much zero tolerance for it too. It can happen anywhere, but I experienced some pretty egregious examples in a horrible place I used to work.

The problem is when not very bright people try to gaslight they lack the intelligence to understand that you know what they are up to, so they keep trying to do it thinking that it was just a fluke that you sussed them out.

Occasionally you might get someone intelligent who likes to indulge in gaslighting but unless they're a sociopath, they tend to realise that you can't be manipulated when you've shown you are wise to what they are doing.

To be honest, with the first group, it's not the gaslighting that bothers me all that much, it's the persistence! It's quite boring and exhausting when someone thinks they are in a battle of wits that you aren't even engaging in.

Gaslighting is insidious. The worst gaslighters will get more and more subtle in their gaslighting, but they cannot stop.

 

[Aspychata]

I bought Gaslighting, A step by step recovery guide by Deborah Vinall, PsyD. This helped me emotionally detach from their actions. I also call out gaslighting when l am with a person who does that. It surprises them. One thing she mentioned is that individuals with antisocial personality disorder, along with other cluster B personality disorders such as narcissistic personality disorder, histrionic personality disorder, and borderline personality disorder, frequently employ gaslighting tactics as standard ways of interacting with others. Each type uses gaslighting to manipulate and control others to satisfy desires for power, significance, excitement, or affection. The frequency and intentionality in employing such tactics varies, with APD the most calculating and BPD the most reactive. However, many people are manipulative, and you don't have to have a personality disorder to be manipulative.
There are sadistic gaslighters, narcissistic gaslighters, defensive -insecure gaslighters, accidental gaslighters- (memory difficulties, poor listening skills, inadequate sleep, over-busy schedule, mental illness, brain lesion, or dementia).

 

[MildredHubble]

Gaslighting is insidious. The worst gaslighters will get more and more subtle in their gaslighting, but they cannot stop.

That may be true but realise they must be pretty pathetic people. I personally can't conceive of the kind of puny intellect that would dedicate itself to trying to manipulate others, particularly to cause distress for amusement. Imagine if that's all you have going on 24/7! What sad, sad individuals!

 

[Outdated]

That may be true but realise they must be pretty pathetic people. I personally can't conceive of the kind of puny intellect that would dedicate itself to trying to manipulate others, particularly to cause distress for amusement. Imagine if that's all you have going on 24/7! What sad, sad individuals!

That sounds very much like a rant I had at a few of my bosses over the years, I'm not known for holding back. I changed jobs a lot.

 

[Kavigant]

I may be weird, but I don't recall ever being gaslit.

 

[Misty Avich]

Not at work really, more so in public places and on internet forums.

At work I just get hypersensitive to people's moods, and I dislike people bossing me around or getting on at me. Sometimes I get all frustrated over it and feel like I need to do something. I have a hard time asserting myself, so if someone is making me feel uncomfortable I like to talk to someone about it, in the union or whatever.

Otherwise, I'm generally accepted at work. It's just as an ADHD person I can clash with bossy people who like to make up the rules as they go along and show their authority. Those sorts of people cause me to stress and want to rebel.

 

[Rodafina]

Whenever someone comes at me, I go to my superiors and report it.

How often is this happening to you? From what you wrote in your original post, it sounds like this happens rather frequently. What does it look like when someone "comes at you" at work?

 

[Storm Hess]

I am on the Autism spectrum. I have had issues over the years with people who target me with gaslighting. I am dealing with one now. I have an accommodation letter at work because I am on the spectrum. Whenever someone comes at me, I go to my superiors and report it. When I suspect I'm being targeted, I document any and every suspect interaction with them. I am quite ruthless about it because I put up with a lot of it in school and now have zero tolerance for it.

Does anyone else here find themselves targeted at work or school?

Had issues with this when I worked for companies. All I wanted was to be left alone and let me do my work, but no, someone had to step up and start pushing my patience. I had to go back working for my family because of the bad endings. That became a nightmare as well...working for family...I do not recommend it.

 

[ShaunG]

How often is this happening to you? From what you wrote in your original post, it sounds like this happens rather frequently. What does it look like when someone "comes at you" at work?

It seems to happen about once per job. Happened once each at my last two jobs. And now it's happening again in this one. That would be three times in the last 18 years. Happened all the time in school though, usually from administrators.

 

[Judge]

Sad, disgusting and even pathetic.

But it reinforces the reality that your coworkers are ultimately your most primary competitors. Befriend them if you can, but also never turn your back on them.

 

[ShaunG]

How often is this happening to you? From what you wrote in your original post, it sounds like this happens rather frequently. What does it look like when someone "comes at you" at work?

Coming at me as in trying to demean/humiliate me in front of others, or otherwise try to target me in a public way. I have symptoms that seem to incite certain personality types. Like having bad eye contact, or being overconfident in things I'm passionate about. Also, it is never folks with whom I interact directly all day. It's always been people in the periphery. I make sure it backfires on them. Publicly if necessary, and sometimes spectacularly.

Only once did I have to threaten to go to the state labor board to make it stop. I worked at a state college in IT at that time.

I will be talking to my supervisor about the latest one today. I work with homeless people as a clinician in a clinic/drop in day center. A coworker had a public meltdown against me in front of clients and staff, because I didn't notice that someone had spilled oatmeal on the floor. It was literally that petty and stupid. I just shook my head and walked away, unwilling to justify it with a response. He loudly made a fool out of himself in front of everyone, thinking he got me, and now he will be written up for it.

Everyone on the spectrum should demand accomodation at work. It protects us legally and is powerful

 

[Aspychata]

@Judge That's a great point. My problem has always been l am too friendly because l don't like to come off as a (inappropriate word). Now l realize that people can be such snakes in the grass, don't worry how you are perceived. It's survival of the fittest during rough economic times, get with the program or take a walksie.

 

[Judge]

@Judge That's a great point. My problem has always been too friendly because l don't like to come off as a (inappropriate word). Now l realize that people can be such snakes in the grass, don't worry how you are perceived. It's survival of the finest during rough economic times, get with the program or take a walksie.

Friendliness in the workplace has its place...but you just have to use it with care. With an understanding that there's no guarantee that a friend may become a foe in such circumstances.

A primary reason why I would try to befriend those outside my department who would be in a better position to help me than hurt me based on my job duties.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

I don't really understand the word "gaslighting". The gas light warns you that the the tank is dangerously low, right? Forgive me, but I struggle to connect that to a slang regarding where this would fit into a negative experience in social situations. Would someone please explain it to me?

 

[Judge]

I don't really understand the word "gaslighting".

People who deliberately mislead others for personal gain of some kind. A process that sometimes can take some very elaborate turns. Another form of predatory behavior often below the level of a criminal intent.

And if their autism is disclosed to any number of people, the possibilities of gaslighting are likely to increase for them. There are always going to be a few people out there who look at us like a "mark" for a pickpocket.

 

[Misty Avich]

I don't really understand the word "gaslighting". The gas light warns you that the the tank is dangerously low, right? Forgive me, but I struggle to connect that to a slang regarding where this would fit into a negative experience in social situations. Would someone please explain it to me?

'Gaslighting' is overused these days. I've been accused of gaslighting many times, by people online. I don't really understand what it means exactly either, I'm just copying what they're all saying lol.