Dealing with lingering anger towards others

[Misery]

So, as is probably obvious through a lot of my interactions on here and the things I talk about and describe, I'm usually very passive... I wont get angry at anyone, online or IRL, and will sort of just take the blows and keep standing there, not really responding. It takes quite a lot to ACTUALLY get me angry, so typically, I simply remain passive and try to work through whatever is happening.

Every now and then though, it doesnt go that way.

If I feel that someone has wronged me, like doing something truly hurtful, or has betrayed me in some way, I will hold a grudge.

For a long, long time. Years, even.

Worse, that anger will never fade, not even a little bit. Now, granted, this can be cancelled if the person who did whatever it was should apologize, and I mean *really* apologize instead of the placating sort, but... that usually doesnt happen (and has only happened once, which produced positive results). So, the resentment clings.

And my personality flips when this happens. Normally I'm calm and polite and helpful, or at least I try to be. But when this happens... no. I'm vitriolic and just nasty, and my usual joking sarcasm turns into spiky biting sarcasm instead.

Even just typing this is getting me incensed as I recall those individuals with whom this has happened. Despite that, generally, they were all from at least a decade ago... as time went on, I'd more and more been put off by the idea of trying to make friends with others, so this has become far more rare as few opportunities for it to happen are there.

There are a couple of them where, if I approach it with a Vulcan-like logic, avoiding emotion, I can see that perhaps there wasnt any actual malice on their part (for certain specific ones, anyway)... a couple were, perhaps, even on the spectrum, with the inherent potential for conflict that this represents.

But, I am not exactly good at keeping emotions in check, and can be consumed by them very easily. It's part of why I try to entirely avoid conflict of any type, as I'm the sort to go berserk if I get into a situation (fortunately that hasnt happened in a bloody long time though). So, even if it's possibly unfair, it still happens. It really depends on exactly what occurred.

I'm aware that being on the spectrum means that, in many cases, our emotions get the best of us, but when I try to look at this carefully, this seems to be stretching that a bit... maybe?

Do any of you experience this at all? If so, what do you do about it?

 

[Wolfnox]

Carried one for awhile. Faith helped me. If it ever flares up. I reread the parts in the Bible where it talks about peace with your enemies.

 

[Misery]

Carried one for awhile. Faith helped me. If it ever flares up. I reread the parts in the Bible where it talks about peace with your enemies.

Any form of focusing on positivity never really helps for me in this sort of situation.

The feeling is just too intense... that transition from "friendship" to "blazing hate". Trying to focus positively just gets me thinking about it more and that just makes it worse.

 

[RotanotNino]

I did that more when I was younger than I have in the last six years or so. About 25 years ago or so I figured out that some situations will resolve themselves with time so I began keeping it bottled up and not thinking about it for a day or two. It sometimes worked.
Twice in my working career I put companies out of business. One being a Security company I worked for back in 1985 and the other made Chemical Decomposition and Oxidation (CDO) units for the semiconductor industry out of an industrial park in Napa CA in 1997. It actually sold a year after I left, but well before that my foreman and a guy two rungs above him on the ladder were fired, and getting them fired was the actual goal.
OTOH I was fine with a company that would put two idiots like that in charge of people going out of business as collateral damage. At no point with either company did I employ any violence or leave them any legal recourse.

I don't understand on a visceral level why forgiving certain particularly loathsome offenders is considered a positive thing by some people. While punching them or tossing them down a dry well may not be feasible or appropriate for every situation, letting people know that there may very well be a cost can prevent or limit obnoxious behavior in many cases. And striking back feels good.
There are some cases, where damage to you was minimal and it was long ago, where it may be worth considering letting it go IMO. OTOH if a supposed friend stabbed you in the back, or someone caused you pain for kicks, than maintaining a grudge and acting on it as circumstances permit is reasonable.

 

[selena]

Yeah, I'm actually not bothered by a LOT of things, but I'm also terrible at conflict resolution so I don't bring up things that vaguely bother me (could be because when I did in the past the acquaintance would just laugh, tell me I was too sensitive or couldn't take a joke, etc.), and I let it simmer in the back of my head, until one day the person bothers me so much I bring up things they clearly have forgotten about, and it does nothing to improve our relationship.

There's nothing (effective) that I'm doing about it right now, but what I've learned is we as a society are terrible at interpersonal communication (including apologizing and accepting apologies over a real issue, as opposed to being 5 minutes late or accidentally bumping into someone), and a relationship is always a two-way street. There's no sense in beating yourself up when the problem is bigger than yourself.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I can relate. I STILL remember grudges I held against people in grade school,...what a little jerk they were to me on the school bus,...that fist fight we got into on the playground,...years later,...they were still that same jerk even though both of us matured and seemingly moved on past it,...but not quite in my case.

I am still learning about this thing called "perspective" and how to deal with it as I navigate my way through life. Everyone's perspective is different,...literally,...look at a cloud, a box, a concept, a book that was read, something said,...whatever,...everyone is going to interpret their world in their own way. These are how "personal truths" are obtained,...and everyone has their own personal truths. We can get into some serious conflict with each other if we do not understand and respect this,...and furthermore, do not confuse personal truths with "actual truths" (measurable, repeatable, unbiased). Everyone struggles with this,...it's just that many autistics struggle with it more than neurotypicals,...as it is likely part of our condition.

So, part of my own personal growth at this point is to make a mental effort to pause,...consider and respect another's perspective,...even if I have to specifically ask them,...before responding. It's my belief that a lot of confusion, frustration, misunderstanding, miscommunication,...and subsequent anger could be minimized. Even at the age of 55, I am still a work in progress.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

By keeping my anger alive through bitterness and resentment, I could never heal my PTSD. On my current trip, I was close to unjustified anger. I had a week alone before my cooking lessons and meeting up with two friends i met in a chat room. I've been there before, especially working overseas, yet I always was able to make some kind of connection. I had some amazing experiences by myself, but a week in, I started feeling lonely, and the cultural barriers are just too great. I started feeling anger towards the people I'd encounter when the only time contact was made was when somebody wanted something from me, usually $$$. That was not healthy and I had to step back. My response made me feel uncomfortable.

The lesson. Never let anger be the whip that drives you. We are all trying to do the best for ourselves with the information we have.

 

[Slim Jim]

I let it out through kinetic motion. Resistance exercises. Either that or hold it inside, till I have a nose bleed.

 

[Aspychata]

This is a excellent @Misery . Alot of us sorta start out like this. As l have aged, being really upset and revenge driven isn't right. It's immature to me. Why not do something positive for you or somebody else.

There should be more in place to help young adults deal with anger.

To the poster who put companies out of business, how many employees were supporting families and relied on that paycheck to feed little mouths, or took care of their elder parents, or sent money overseas to families unable to come to America. Don't agree with this. Incompetent people are generally hired by Incompetent owners and eventually will crash and burn.

Anger sometimes motivates us to take charge of our life and do something good, like quit a job, advance our skills, breakup with toxic people. But long-term grudges are excellent to discover what core beliefs felt violated, or did this trigger us? Anger is a reason to look at myself and understand me more.

 

[Yeshuasdaughter]

It's so hard, but "forgive" is a verb. Forgiveness isn't always something you feel. Sometimes it's something you do. Forgiveness is the act of saying "Even though you have wronged me, I will not hold this against you, and will go forward in gratitude and love, as if the slight never happened". It is so difficult to do sometimes.

Pent up anger does not protect you. If anything it causes illness, because the other person is blissfully going about their life, unaware of your brooding against them. Meanwhile, you're just giving yourself high blood pressure.

 

[Metalhead]

I have decades worth of intense rage against people I have not interacted with in years. I have to learn to let all of that go because I am drinking poison and hoping it will hurt them. And the more time I spend feeling angry about past wrongs against me, the more tempting a bottle of beer appears to me.

 

[Slim Jim]

I have decades worth of intense rage against people I have not interacted with in years.

That sounds very unhealthy. I feel rage on occasion. I cant think of anybody in specific I hate. My hate is more Abstract. I occasionally get angry with people, verbally. I'm not physical violent. But then I just forget about. I joked once, "Hey sometimes I'm Jekyll sometimes I'm Hyde, today you got Hyde."..he's the monster right? I get them confused. Not that I mistreat people, but I have lost my temper, when I have felt the pressure build up inside. A kind of stress related anger. Which might be considered a form of meltdown.

But who doesn't have bad moods. They are generally very short-lived. I can think of no one in my life, that has done me any serious harm. Or consider enemies. Maybe one or two males, I got into fights with, had serious disputes with. But I don't even hold any grudges against them. I don't like them. I don't think about them.

 

[Atrapa Almas]

I can relate, but I process it in a different way.

It seems that you have a mind model of how people should be, and in case they hurt you or behave badly they must say "I am deeply sorry" and change their behavour so you can excuse them for being "inadecuate/bad" humans and return them to the "adecuate humans pool". If they dont change their behavour you keep being angry because they dont behave as humans are supossed to behave.

My mind work differently. If somebody behaves like a bully, for example, I put that person into the "Bully" category. It isnt very important if they bullied me, or bullied any other person. Once I get enougth data to put them in the "Bully" section, there they go. Even if they are part of my family. I dont think bullys are "bad" or "mistaken" or need to ask sorry and change their behavour. To me, bullys are bullys and they behave like bullys. Like a wolf is a wolf and is not wrong or mistaken if it devoures a sheep. If I happened to be a sheep I would not ask the wolf to change its behavour and say I am sorry, I would just find a way to kill the wolf or protect the sheeps from it. So I dont "hate" bullys, I just react to them.

I have put friends on the "toxic" category and ignored them for years, without anger. Just because I ignore toxic people. Some of them changed with time and got out of the toxic category so I started talking with them again. No "asking for sorry" was needed.

Strange, isnt it? To me its so logic, but nobody related to that strange logic I have.

 

[Slim Jim]

I don't put people in elaborate categories...sounds all very fancy, and laborious, to schematize. I either like you, am ambivalent, or don't like you. That is all. It's not even a conscious thing.

 

[Aspychata]

I can relate, but I process it in a different way.

It seems that you have a mind model of how people should be, and in case they hurt you or behave badly they must say "I am deeply sorry" and change their behavour so you can excuse them for being "inadecuate/bad" humans and return them to the "adecuate humans pool". If they dont change their behavour you keep being angry because they dont behave as humans are supossed to behave.

My mind work differently. If somebody behaves like a bully, for example, I put that person into the "Bully" category. It isnt very important if they bullied me, or bullied any other person. Once I get enougth data to put them in the "Bully" section, there they go. Even if they are part of my family. I dont think bullys are "bad" or "mistaken" or need to ask sorry and change their behavour. To me, bullys are bullys and they behave like bullys. Like a wolf is a wolf and is not wrong or mistaken if it devoures a sheep. If I happened to be a sheep I would not ask the wolf to change its behavour and say I am sorry, I would just find a way to kill the wolf or protect the sheeps from it. So I dont "hate" bullys, I just react to them.

I have put friends on the "toxic" category and ignored them for years, without anger. Just because I ignore toxic people. Some of them changed with time and got out of the toxic category so I started talking with them again. No "asking for sorry" was needed.

Strange, isnt it? To me its so logic, but nobody related to that strange logic I have.

If we can neatly categorize them, it works especially if they are emotionally manipulative. We can't get sucked into their control. I do this also. If this person calls, I have that label pop up- sometimes rude/bully, most of the time not. Then my boundaries are ready to roll.

 

[BrokenBoy]

I'm very familiar with this feeling. Not only do I hold grudges, but I tend act really petty and will do anything in my power in hopes potentially hurting the person I hate's feelings. When I'm angry I could jump off a cliff with a 50% chance of survival if that could somehow lead to me hurting my enemy's feelings. In practice this tends to manifest in pranks or trying to troll people or find their dox.

What I would recommend doing, Misery, is writing a story or something where you (or an idealized version of yourself) gets revenge on the people you despise. Fantasy is a good way of coping with negative emotions. I would also recommend listening to some "angry" or heavy" songs to curb that rage.

 

[RotanotNino]

To the poster who put companies out of business, how many employees were supporting families and relied on that paycheck to feed little mouths, or took care of their elder parents, or sent money overseas to families unable to come to America. Don't agree with this. Incompetent people are generally hired by Incompetent owners and eventually will crash and burn.

The fact is that Randy was, and very likely still is, a toxic jerk who should never have been put in charge of others. And Brett was a Don't rock the boat production manager who was terrified at the thought of bringing bad news to the co owner on site. But he was willing to give Randy covering fire EVERY TIME Randy was obnoxious, including when Randy spit on QC guy Ron, Brett fired Ron shortly after Randy spit on him.

What is also true is that my portion of the QC Pareto Analysis chart was fault free for the last 2 years that I was there and I was the only person doing that job for the three years I was at Delatech. And I was allowed to, and expected to, make generational changes to the product in that time. The technical drawing people never bothered updating their drawings as per my frequent requests. The point here is not that I was so all fired great that I couldn't be replaced, it is that I couldn't be easily replaced within a short - 6 months or so - time frame. And they lacked the imagination to grasp that that could be a problem for them.

I was going to be fired had I attempted to hold on to that job. Had that happened Randy and Brett would have continued on their merry way doing what they were doing. When the choice was to allow them to fire me and make me the goat or to destroy their careers on my way out the door while pointing the finger of blame* right at them for why my expertise and technical drawings and notes were no longer available the choice was simple one for me.

*Redirected aggression is a good principle to understand.

Anger sometimes motivates us to take charge of our life and do something good, like quit a job, advance our skills, breakup with toxic people. But long-term grudges are excellent to discover what core beliefs felt violated, or did this trigger us? Anger is a reason to look at myself and understand me more.

That was the result back in 97. Not one I foresaw but in the end Randy and Brett did me a favor.
I do agree in the general sense that avoiding such hassles is preferred where feasible. As long as companies continue putting power mad ogres in charge of departments productivity will needlessly suffer in one way or another.

 

[Atrapa Almas]

Many people consider enemies as our best teachers.

 

[Luca]

I try not to hold grudges. But I cannot rebuild trust with people who have turned on me or betrayed me. They did it once, or multiple times, what’s stopping them from doing it again?

I try to forgive and forget, but it’s easier said than done. Especially because the things that my abusers did to me have caused me to suffer from permanent disabilities.

It’s almost impossible for me to build up trust with people irl, and the more things people do to me, the harder it gets. So I have my guard up most of the time and I don’t like to be vulnerable or talk about personal things.

But with that said, it would be really nice if I could find someone I could trust enough to be vulnerable with I just don’t know how to talk about the things that happened to me. I’ve had therapists say they couldn’t listen to it anymore because it made them nauseous.

I have been badly abused by people and I can be very cynical, but I won’t let the things that happened to me take away from thinking there is still beauty in the world, and I won’t let it make it impossible to see the good in people. And most importantly I won’t let it stop me from being kind. People can make me as mad as they want but I’m never going to be a bully. I do express distaste and dislike for some people but I still don’t want to hurt anyone.

I think we wouldn’t have to worry about holding grudges if people could just be respectful and empathetic to each other. “Kill them with kindness,” as they say.

 

[VictorR]

I can relate with the "flip being switched" situation - I can and often freely give out my time, assistance, and loyalty. I'm like a puppy who is eager to please. But if someone makes an accusation that I wronged them when I've gone out of my way for them, it can be hard for me to forgive. And prefacing the accusation with something like "I know you're a stand-up guy and you've done X, Y, Z for me/us" in some ways makes it worse, because if you're doubting me over something relatively minor when we've otherwise had a good relationship that you recognize has been valuable to you, I'm sorry, but I can't trust you.

Of course, how things are worded plays a part too. Asking me if I had put a lunch on a tab on a certain day from several months ago and forgotten to pay it was probably not the best way to approach things. I had never put things on tab and I wrote a rather colorful email making that clear. And several days later, I got a copy of a statement showing a charge to my card from that restaurant on that day, for that amount. You best I sent a "I told you so" email. In hindsight, probably not the best move, as that kind of destroyed the relationship. But in my mind, the relationship had already been broken the moment I was wrongfully (erroneously) accused of walking away from an unpaid tab of a very trivial amount.