Dealing with rude friend

[Jet Weiss]

My boyfriend's friends have been somewhat of an issue for me lately.

The disabled friend is somewhat antagonistic toward the Aspie friend (this is just how I distinguish between them without having to use their actual names). I don't think he means to pick on him, I think his comments are meant as jokes, albeit they are very rude (and his social skills are not exceptional either), but it gets a bit grating for my boyfriend and I to listen to. He makes a lot of snippy or smart-aleck comments toward the Aspie friend and a lot of smug facial expressions, and rolls his eyes, etc.

Earlier in the evening we were at the mall and the disabled friend made a comment to the Aspie friend to the effect of "You should go topless, everyone loves big jugs" (the Aspie friend is male and slightly overweight).
My boyfriend's reaction was "WTF, [name]." The Aspie friend just laughed uncomfortably though it was clear he didn't like the joke.
Every time we hang out with these two, which is fairly often, there is a "WTF" comment made by the disabled friend. My boyfriend thinks his friend is just insecure (he has a noticeable physical issue and a speech impediment and is very small in stature) and trying to compensate for it by being a jerk to the Aspie friend. The Aspie friend said "He is just a bitchy gay guy" which wasn't particularly helpful to hear.
The Aspie friend isn't the only one who is at the mercy of these comments, the disabled friend makes some comments about the gap between my boyfriend's front teeth as well and has sometimes commented on his weight and height (my boyfriend is very tall and sort of mid-average weight).
The worst he has ever said to me is that I "had a blond moment," he seems to really respect me and not see me as a target and I appreciate that, though I don't agree with him picking on the other Aspie guy.
The Aspie friend doesn't have a clean record either, he makes his fair share of rude comments, for example we were in the car and another car cut him off and he shouted "G*d damn it [specific racial category] driver!" However I think the difference between the Aspie friend and the disabled friend is that the Aspie friend thinks he is merely stating a fact while the disabled friend is actively trying to be snarky.

I really care about my boyfriend as well as both of his friends and I want to remain friends with both of them, I am just a bit frustrated by this person's rudeness. Does anyone have any advice in regards to how I could bring up this topic with him and let him know that his rude jokes bother the rest of us? I don't think he realises the impact he is having.

 

[Streetwise]

tell him he's going down a bad path with that habit and someone will assault him or kill.him its just consequences.

My boyfriend's friends have been somewhat of an issue for me lately.

The disabled friend is somewhat antagonistic toward the Aspie friend (this is just how I distinguish between them without having to use their actual names). I don't think he means to pick on him, I think his comments are meant as jokes, albeit they are very rude (and his social skills are not exceptional either), but it gets a bit grating for my boyfriend and I to listen to. He makes a lot of snippy or smart-aleck comments toward the Aspie friend and a lot of smug facial expressions, and rolls his eyes, etc.

Earlier in the evening we were at the mall and the disabled friend made a comment to the Aspie friend to the effect of "You should go topless, everyone loves big jugs" (the Aspie friend is male and slightly overweight).
My boyfriend's reaction was "WTF, [name]." The Aspie friend just laughed uncomfortably though it was clear he didn't like the joke.
Every time we hang out with these two, which is fairly often, there is a "WTF" comment made by the disabled friend. My boyfriend thinks his friend is just insecure (he has a noticeable physical issue and a speech impediment and is very small in stature) and trying to compensate for it by being a jerk to the Aspie friend. The Aspie friend said "He is just a bitchy gay guy" which wasn't particularly helpful to hear.
The Aspie friend isn't the only one who is at the mercy of these comments, the disabled friend makes some comments about the gap between my boyfriend's front teeth as well and has sometimes commented on his weight and height (my boyfriend is very tall and sort of mid-average weight).
The worst he has ever said to me is that I "had a blond moment," he seems to really respect me and not see me as a target and I appreciate that, though I don't agree with him picking on the other Aspie guy.
The Aspie friend doesn't have a clean record either, he makes his fair share of rude comments, for example we were in the car and another car cut him off and he shouted "G*d damn it [specific racial category] driver!" However I think the difference between the Aspie friend and the disabled friend is that the Aspie friend thinks he is merely stating a fact while the disabled friend is actively trying to be snarky.

I really care about my boyfriend as well as both of his friends and I want to remain friends with both of them, I am just a bit frustrated by this person's rudeness. Does anyone have any advice in regards to how I could bring up this topic with him and let him know that his rude jokes bother the rest of us? I don't think he realises the impact he is having.

 

[Bolletje]

Hmm, this is a tricky subject, especially since they're not originally your friends but your boyfriends'. Have you talked about this with your boyfriend? You probably have, but I still feel like I need to ask. You could try coming up with a plan of attack (so to speak) together, as he knows these guys better than you do. Another thing to consider during this conversation is whether you or your boyfriend should be the one to bring this subject up. I'd vote for your boyfriend, provided he's bothered by his friends' behaviour too. Since you're "new" in the group and they're his friends it might be considered bad form for you to speak up.

You (or your boyfriend) could try saying something along the lines of "Hey, I like hanging out with you, but thing X you do is making me uncomfortable. I know you mean it as a joke but it's actually a little hurtful. I'm sure that's not your intention, so could you try to dial it down a little?"

This is the approach I usually take, with mixed results, when friends of my boyfriend do something that upsets me. Best of luck, this is a tricky situation!

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

My boyfriend's friends have been somewhat of an issue for me lately.

The disabled friend is somewhat antagonistic toward the Aspie friend (this is just how I distinguish between them without having to use their actual names). I don't think he means to pick on him, I think his comments are meant as jokes, albeit they are very rude (and his social skills are not exceptional either), but it gets a bit grating for my boyfriend and I to listen to. He makes a lot of snippy or smart-aleck comments toward the Aspie friend and a lot of smug facial expressions, and rolls his eyes, etc.

Earlier in the evening we were at the mall and the disabled friend made a comment to the Aspie friend to the effect of "You should go topless, everyone loves big jugs" (the Aspie friend is male and slightly overweight).
My boyfriend's reaction was "WTF, [name]." The Aspie friend just laughed uncomfortably though it was clear he didn't like the joke.
Every time we hang out with these two, which is fairly often, there is a "WTF" comment made by the disabled friend. My boyfriend thinks his friend is just insecure (he has a noticeable physical issue and a speech impediment and is very small in stature) and trying to compensate for it by being a jerk to the Aspie friend. The Aspie friend said "He is just a bitchy gay guy" which wasn't particularly helpful to hear.
The Aspie friend isn't the only one who is at the mercy of these comments, the disabled friend makes some comments about the gap between my boyfriend's front teeth as well and has sometimes commented on his weight and height (my boyfriend is very tall and sort of mid-average weight).
The worst he has ever said to me is that I "had a blond moment," he seems to really respect me and not see me as a target and I appreciate that, though I don't agree with him picking on the other Aspie guy.
The Aspie friend doesn't have a clean record either, he makes his fair share of rude comments, for example we were in the car and another car cut him off and he shouted "G*d damn it [specific racial category] driver!" However I think the difference between the Aspie friend and the disabled friend is that the Aspie friend thinks he is merely stating a fact while the disabled friend is actively trying to be snarky.

I really care about my boyfriend as well as both of his friends and I want to remain friends with both of them, I am just a bit frustrated by this person's rudeness. Does anyone have any advice in regards to how I could bring up this topic with him and let him know that his rude jokes bother the rest of us? I don't think he realises the impact he is having.

Tricky. But perhaps ypu could see it as a boundary issue.

Hes your boyfriends friend. (Or at least first)
Its up to your boyfriend to defend himself or do something or nothing.

Its up to you to deal with the uncomfortable feelings that result from it. Ie respecting your boyfriends boundaries. Perhaps your boyfriend accepts the comments

The traditional way, to suggest to your boyfriend - if it bothers you.
'I would like you to stop the hurtful comments. If you dont i will say hurtful things to you, to see how you feel.

If you overstep you may be seen as the bad one. Your boyfriend then becomes annoyed at you as he didnt want to do anything, and you've ignored his position.

Tricky, just my perspective, and adding it in for you to consider

 

[Katleya]

This sounds terrible. I don't have constructive advice, as that type of situation would bring up the confrontational b***h in me No, really: the disabled friend is clearly insecure, and is picking on someone he perceives as weaker. Would he do it with people who could take him down, beat him up, or whatever, too? If not, then it's clearly a mix of lack of self-confidence and lack of respect towards you guys.
The Aspie friend, as you said, probably thinks he's stating facts, and he could probably use a reminder that certain things aren't supposed to be said (side note: I was on a bus a few weeks ago, and the very black driver was cut off by a car, the driver of which was black too. It was weird seeing the darker guy call the other the N word. Road rage, I guess).

Discuss it with your boyfriend first, that's my best advice.

 

[WereBear]

Your boyfriend's friends are like inlaws: they are his responsibility. I would discuss it with your boyfriend, first.

This doesn't mean you cannot respond in the moment once you have gotten your boyfriend's opinion and expressed your discomfort. A simple "Uncool" (in my day) would let people know this was wrong and bothered you, without making a humiliating situation of it.

Yes, you are doing them a favor by making them develop character instead of picking on other people, but they will almost certainly not get that

 

[thermf5]

if The Aspie friend is ok with what is directed at him then i dont see the issue and if this person really bothers u then tell ur lover to not chill with him when ur around

 

[Momo]

Best thing to do: Talk with your boyfriend about how his friends' actions makes you uncomfortable. If they were your friends alone I'd say confront them yourself, and if they get snarky about it then meh, it wasn't too much of a loss if they were being horrible anyway. But as they are your boyfriend's it can get a bit tricky... Messy, messy, messy.... See—this is why I never leave the house. But in all seriousness, what they are doing is not okay, and if you do not tell the rude dude that what he is doing is wrong, then he likely will not know and will continue doing it. It's better to stand up for what you think and your morals than to simply let others trample all over you.

 

[Judge]

Jet, from reading your comments and concerns, I can only surmise that continued exposure to the two persons in question may eventually catch up with your relationship to your boyfriend- and not in a good way.

For someone to be physically disabled and carry on like this, I can only speculate that the man has some seriously deep-seated problems relative to his own self-image. The sort of thing that probably can't be overcome through any kind of "intervention" by his peers. The Aspie friend too seems to have characteristics not consistent with your own sense of decency and civility.

While I can appreciate your perspective and compassion in wanting to solve such a dilemma in a positive way, I suspect the best thing you and your boyfriend can do is to eliminate such a caustic personalities from your social orbit.

Most of us want friends in some nebulous way, but at what cost? I know I've had my share of alleged "friends", only to eventually discover that their "social toxicity" proved to be overwhelming to me. Over the years such experiences have taught me that for my own mental health, it's best to avoid "high-maintenance personalities" altogether. To seek friends who match your social sensibilities rather than those who contrast with them.

 

[Jet Weiss]

Thank you for the replies everyone, and I'm sorry it's taken me a bit of time to get back to you all, I have been very busy with school, job stuff, family stuff, travelling, etc.

I had a talk with my boyfriend about his friends and he was very understanding. He said he has known them for a very long time and knows all their "quirks," as he put it. He said the disabled friend is lashing out out of insecurity, as he is very small and weak, speaks slowly and with a stutter, and he gets frustrated because he is in the same boat as me so to speak, where people are always confused about his gender identity as it is not blatantly obvious. So I understand where his frustration is coming from, though I am not going to excuse any of his behaviour and neither is my boyfriend.
As for the Aspie friend, my boyfriend said that he really doesn't think that he understands that he is being rude or annoying. He said "he just tells it like it is, for better or for worse." I agree with that sentiment tbh.
My boyfriend told me he would sit down with me and have a talk with the two friends, so we did, and they heard me out and apologised; they said they didn't even for the most part realise that they were offending me.
I really like and care about both of them and enjoy their company, these are also my first true friends so I don't totally understand the ins and outs of friendships yet. My boyfriend said he is willing to help me with that and that he will do a better job of keeping his friends in line. He really loves these two and he is certainly not willing to just drop them as friends. They have been there for him through everything.

I spend a lot of time with my boyfriend and with our friends and I am still learning about social interactions, so it is just sort of a "we'll figure it out as we go along" thing.

 

[Bella Pines]

I am just a bit frustrated by this person's rudeness

There are 2 sides to the coin.

1. The keyword "I". On one side of the coin, the only problem that you have is getting frustrated and judging your friends as being rude. This is their choice to make and you cannot control or change them. One way to deal with the situation would simply be to reconcile the fact that they are what they are, and learn to deal with and accept it.

2. Try to change them!. This is the other side, the more challenging side simply because they may not wish to be changed. If they reach out and ask "why do people not like me" or "why are people aggressive toward me" then you can cite these examples. But if they have not asked for help, then it is difficult to inflict help upon someone. Of course that doesn't stop any of us from trying. So if you do choose this side of the coin toss then I would start with the aspie and logically inform them of the effect their comments have. As for the other one, well if they are NT then I would have no clue where to start!

And PS

He said he has known them for a very long time and knows all their "quirks," as he put it.

and yes, very wise!!

 

[Judge]

As for the Aspie friend, my boyfriend said that he really doesn't think that he understands that he is being rude or annoying. He said "he just tells it like it is, for better or for worse." I agree with that sentiment tbh.
My boyfriend told me he would sit down with me and have a talk with the two friends, so we did, and they heard me out and apologised; they said they didn't even for the most part realise that they were offending me.

To me this is one of the most complex aspects of Aspergers Syndrome/ASD.

Those who are rude to others and for whatever neurological reason don't have a clue, and those who think they can rationalize their rudeness with no intention of attempting to control what they say. Then thirdly there are those who may not be aware of what they say in real time, but are able to realize their error after the fact, with some degree of social remorse.

Simply put, it sure as hell complicates our lives.