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Dealing with social banter and possible stigma

A

ayoungaspie

Well-Known Member
I am an 18 year old Aspie, and currently at college studying Painting & Decorating among other 16-18 year olds. I look a lot younger than I am because of late puberty, and I am the shortest guy (only 5ft 4 or 5). So while I am the oldest I certainly don't "feel" the oldest, in fact I probably look younger than ALL of them.

I am really struggling to fit in, a lot of the time I have a horrible feeling I'm not wanted and wonder how I'm supposed to get people to like me. People try to have banter and I think people find me an easy target to belittle, because they see me as physically inferior as well as socially awkward. Sometimes I'm not sure if it's just banter or not though. Just today I said something like "apparently we're going home early, according to the teacher", someone else then came out with "we are going home early, not apparently, you moron"! I am not even sure if this is banter and how the hell am I supposed to react to that sort of thing? It really gets me down and does nothing for my confidence.

I look forward to hearing from anyone who can offer advice or share similar experience, etc.
 
That's really tough, I'm sorry this happened to you! To me, name-calling and insults are never playful banter and are rude. This is unless you have a close personal relationship with the person and it's mutually understood that it's only teasing. I can only share what I've personally been able to do, which is to straight up say something like, "That's pretty rude, I'd appreciate it if you'd not say things like that to me." It takes some guts to say things like that, but it has always stopped people from harassing me and earns other people's respect for standing up for myself.
 
ayoungaspie said:
I am an 18 year old Aspie, and currently at college studying Painting & Decorating among other 16-18 year olds. I look a lot younger than I am because of late puberty, and I am the shortest guy (only 5ft 4 or 5). So while I am the oldest I certainly don't "feel" the oldest, in fact I probably look younger than ALL of them.

I am really struggling to fit in, a lot of the time I have a horrible feeling I'm not wanted and wonder how I'm supposed to get people to like me. People try to have banter and I think people find me an easy target to belittle, because they see me as physically inferior as well as socially awkward. Sometimes I'm not sure if it's just banter or not though. Just today I said something like "apparently we're going home early, according to the teacher", someone else then came out with "we are going home early, not apparently, you moron"! I am not even sure if this is banter and how the hell am I supposed to react to that sort of thing? It really gets me down and does nothing for my confidence.

I look forward to hearing from anyone who can offer advice or share similar experience, etc.
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Moron is not a friendly term. Me and my friend Julia kid each other and will call the other "doofus" or "dingus", but we are very good friends. Unless this person that called you a moron is a really good friend, then I would steer clear of him. He sounds like an ass.
 
Well, if I stand up for myself I'll probably end up on my own at college. These people do mean this in a somewhat "banterous" way, but at the same time they are singling me out a little bit as well. Or at least that is the way I perceive it.

Also, if I stood up for myself I'm sure they will just laugh it off because physically I am weaker and even if I stand up for myself verbally they will take it as joke. My teacher has actually split our group so that the "less behaved" people are in a different group now, but the problem is that how some people behave in front of the teacher is different to when they are on their own in a group, if that makes sense.

Just a few weeks ago when the whole class was together, a bigger guy came up to me and did a "nipple cripple" which means suddenly grabbing me by the nipple and twisting hard. He also bit another peer on the nipple (this peer being similar size to me). I never knew how to react at this point, so I threatened him physically but he laughed because everyone knew I would come off A LOT worse including myself. It gets better, though, the guy who got bit on the nipple simply laughed this physical abuse off as banter and was one of the ones taunting me saying I would have got battered!

Anyway, I guess the incident really knocked my confidence and ability to stand up for myself.:(
 
That one taunting you who got bit is doing that to steer the attention off of him and make him look like he's part of the popular group.

What kind of college is this? I went to a community college and that would NEVER have happened. For a professor to let that kind of thing continue is outrageous! If necessary, I would go to the Dean! Is there another class you can transfer to?
 
I live in the UK so things can be a bit different here compared to the USA (which I am assuming is where you live). My college is classed as a further education college which basically means they offer courses like child/health and social care, hair and beauty, motor vehicle, engineering and construction related courses. Those sort of areas, so it's not really an "A level" type college, a lot of the time things are rather unstructured which is I guess why these sort of incidents happen.
 
I get what you're saying. Over here (US) that would be considered a trade school. If it were me and I really wasn't getting along with my classmates, I might drop a semester and go into the next class. Still, you would think adults would conduct themselves better than that. Sounds like you're in middle school to me.
 
You know, thinking about it, I would not put up with someone touching me like that. I never heard of people acting like that in any college or trade school even. I'm pretty much a solo player when it comes to education and school (job too), I don't need to make friends and those wouldn't be friends that I would want anyway. Kind of like the class I'm in now at college - International Relations. I'm not making any friends and in fact have just gotten myself into an argument with a couple of people. Thing is, we get graded on participating in the discussions. I'm not there to make friends and be nice, I'm there to get an "A". So I'm bringing my taser.
 
Here is one aspie who defies the what the experts say, because honestly, I have tears in my eyes, reading this! Oh how I feel for you! I have said similar when trying to fit in, and often get strange looks and then, derisive comments with a mocking laugh.

This memory still hangs around, but now when I think of it, I realise that I was just being practical lol. I used to have to endure going ice skating with my school ( obviously fun to many, but not to me) and I can remember standing next to a male teacher and am sure that I felt embarrassed at the silence and had no idea how to get a conversation going, which really I didn't need to. Anyway, a skater appeared in front of us and suddenly I blurted out: I would have thought tights were not a good idea when a skater falls, for they will get ladders? I was stared at and then it was: oh ignore her! I felt so crushed and stupid and but often find myself in similar situations, when I try to start a conversation and yet I am ignored. Like yesterday I just mentioned to a group of us ( really did not want to be there) that I am currently obsessed with Italian music and I know I said it loud enough, but not one person asked for more information and so, i thought: I might as well be invisible! What is the point of trying to talk if you are ignored?

I too, am a late developer and easy to pick on!

Oh and as horrible as it sounds, the comment back to you was one of mockery; it is the moron bit that turned it into that.

What you could try doing, which does help me a bit, is to sort of do a sole role play. So gather mentally, if you can, what they are likely to say and then what you would say back. You could say: what has moron got to do with it? And what is wrong with saying: apparently? I am dreadful with on the spot replies, but if I sort of practice at home, I am better able to deal with it.
 
I get what you're saying how adults don't act like that. These people are in the 16-18 year range where people still potentially act childish, especially those who choose these types of courses, if that makes sense. My teachers reaction was to simply exclude him for a week and send a letter to his parents, and I narrowly managed to avoid looking like the "snitch" or "grass" for telling the teacher.

Then again, my teacher has said that in the workplace (so assuming I go into Painting and Decorating industry, which I really want to do), banter is almost expected in the workplace. I really don't know how I am going to deal with that!
 
I think that may be true too. You're going to be working with a small group of guys probably and will have to be able to get along with them in an uncontrolled atmosphere where there are no "higher ups" or supervisors. I'm not a guy, but I believe NT guys respect other guys more if they stand up for themselves. They will usually pick on someone who is a pushover. Women are a little different, but not much. If you don't fit in, they just exclude you from the group and make fun of you.
 
I hate to say it, but if you're going to be working with NT guys you're probably going to have to learn a few rude sex jokes and be able to chug beer. :D NT men are complicated. :rolleyes:
 
Hi
I'm sorry to read of your difficulties with these arseholes. Unfortunately having aspergers means you will always be susceptible to these kind of comments.
Also the building/decorating trades does attract thick skinned people that enjoy banter of this kind. In fact they can be very cruel. My advice would be to try and intergrate if you can but if it gets too hard maybe consider doing something else.
 
That guy was just being a butthole, ignore him. Most kids these days have no sense of common decency.

You sound adorable though! But I always had a thing for guys shorter than me back when I was on the prowl.
 
Hmm, I don't know the context fully, but that sounds kind of harsh. Usually people save names for people who know they're joking, like those they know well. Otherwise it can be hard for anyone to know just what to think.
 
Thanks for the advice guys. I'll probably try to integrate as much as I can in these situations, but outside of work/college I will surround myself with better people. :)

The biggest problem is looking for replies on the spot, as someone else says. Usually the other person is able to "twist" the banter in their favour and make me look like the idiot, if that makes sense.
 
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