Deep Rooted Rejection

[total-recoil]

Sometimes it seems as if when you have aspergers, you don't only experience hurt yourself but can hurt others as well. I think maybe I have been guilty of this although not intentionally.
What happens with me is when friendships are shallow and casual, I tend to be O.K. but if they get deeper, I stuggle to know how to handle it. It can suddenly make me far more negative and this negativity is a mixture between feeling not good enough as well as like third class. So, I back off and go cold. In the past, it was a real mess to make any sense of but now I know aspergers is a factor, at least I don't have to beat up on myself quite as much as I have some idea what lies behind it all.
The truth is at this point in time I can't handle opposite sex friendships. Usually what happens is the aspergers situation finally becomes a factor, sometimes with pressure being put on me to normalise some of my behaviour. This is so as to become more acceptable to friends of of your friend or your friend's family. The greater the pressure becomes, the more you feel a reaction to withdraw.
I think what often happens is your friends just assume you yourself are rejecting them but it's actually all very complex. I think those of us who experienced deep rejection issues over aspergers during childhood, by parents and other kids have learned to be very defensive and suspicious as adults. At some point, you jump ahead and begin to think the new relationship is bound to fail or unravel so to avoid the inevitable upset, you freeze and back off.
It's a shame really. Sometimes I may get close to a girl and then can't handle it. In this case maybe I did cause hurt by running away and disconnecting but the truth is I have hard time reading such situations.
For now I decided to just throw myself back into my work to keep busy and will hopefully in time try to learn from what happened. It just doesn't look good for me, though,

 

[Aalo]

That fear and frustration you're talking about is very real and powerful feeling. I don't know if it looks too promising for any of us. To me you mentioning problems with opposite sex friendships doesn't sound that bad - I can't have any. I haven't been able to figure out if it's due to my sexual lean, whereby anyone could be a potential mate (but none ever is), or just the fact that I've realized that I can hurt anyone just as easily, even family members. And it's interesting that I don't really tend to be afraid about getting hurt myself at any situation as I know that I can handle myself after if something occurred, but maybe it's that I can't trust others to behave mature if I was the reason for their misfortune and therefore I am really wary not to do foul for anyone. Not that I'd even have tried for a long time, and because of that I can't really know if this is anything to be worried about anymore. Or if I should worry more than before.

It can be really rewarding just watching people from a distance. For me there are other factors involved too. I know I'd bore people as well as hurt them - and get bored myself too. After all this rejection thing is kind of alleviating for me because in my opinion there really aren't many interesting traits in a person and after these are seen it often feels there's no more than empty shell left, and I can't really appreciate going though people like that.

 

[kicker]

See I have a similar problem. Where I believe mine differs is that I want to meet people, but given the opportunity to I tend to recoil and get overly anxious and find all the negative. Then when I am pressured into it, I am overly polite, engaged, and willing to do just about anything if it makes them happy. Then slowly but surely that "act" I put on (as others describe it) wears off and I start to want my space, I start saying the wrong things, and I start acting "crazy". In my head I am thinking, "OK you are gonna be around, I can go and do this or that we don't need to spend every waking second with each other or talk daily and you can do the activities you enjoy without me." They take it as me pushing them away, I think and say they are overreacting and reading to much into it. It goes back and forth and I just give up even trying, because they have their minds made up. Even when I clearly state my reasons. Part of being a "cold hearted bastard" I guess. Lol.

I try really hard not to even bother paying attention anymore to it. May sound narcissistic, but from what I have gathered as far as how most people think and act I am the sanest person I know; in that I don't have emotions ruling my every thought. My room mate who is not autistic told me he just feels and then thinks about it. I think and then feel when I have had time to think out all the information. My dad had a wise moment once when he told me to let people think what they want to think as long as it's not true you go nothing to worry about. (This was said after I told a teacher that they made a mistake and that there was more accurate information. The teacher responded by telling me that I am a 'Know it all' and need to shut my mouth for once and learn. Let's just say it escalated from there. )

 

[Ylva]

The thing I don't get is why we can't be each others' friends. Why go through all the NT trouble with all the overly complicated social rules? I'm not saying to ditch NTs completely, I'm just saying: be friends on your terms. Why should they get to make all the rules? The other person gets to make half the rules in a friendship/relationship; you get to make the other half. It's a compromise. If one of you can't live with the compromise, forget it; it is not a friendship.

 

[kicker]

I'm actually going to go check out a group for asperger adults later today in hopes that I can make friends with similar rules of engagement. It took me a month to agree to go and I am still apprehensive about it, but I'm tired of my room mate and therapist giving me a hard time about it. So we shall see if that idea is possible. I am all for 1/2 1/2 in any relationship. I insist upon it. Has to be fair for both.

 

[SallySlips]

Rejection from others doesn't really bother me. I'd be happy staying at home nonstop with my dogs and my husband. But I'd have to send my husband out sometimes to give me a break.

I do tend to reject people myself quite a bit though. Sometimes people just come on too strong for my taste. If they call all the time, then I stop answering, or in one case I even asked someone to stop calling me so much because she kept doing it while I was at work. The best friends I've ever had are the ones who know to give me my space. We get together occasionally, but it's not a regular thing, and I'm happy with that.

 

[Aalo]

Just to be precise I want to point out that I was talking about friend- any any vessels based on mutual share of interest, nothing more. I feel that remaining on my own is also best for me and others, but it to be really my own rule if anything. I see the usual approach (not saying if it's solely NT's way) to be something that everything is thought eventually leading to romantic communion with very little space for other intentions. Maybe I'm too cynical, but I've seen this enough. But that's true, there's no way being friends only with one's own ambition and it'd simply be stupid to imply something I'm not going to give either way.

Rejecting can be terrible. Despite that I have pretty much self respect I still don't feel like being worthy to crumble hopes for anyone. I'd never want to end up in that situation again.

 

[epath13]

It seems that honesty is the best policy. Once you explain yourself: what you actually think and feel, a lot of people can end up being quite accepting. I think a lot of people don't accept because they assume something that is not really there, sometimes their assumptions are worse than reality. So maybe you can try to apply this rule: don't tell people what you want from them, instead tell them what you think and what you feel. If certain situations make you feel overwhelmed: tell them, if you don't feel comfortable when socializing: tell them, if you think that your emotions are different from what you think their emotions are: tell them. etc. What works is personal confidence. Belief that you are not worse than anyone else but different. If you're confident you won't have a problem with being honest. Some people have trouble to believe that they can obtain confidence. But it seems to me, that you can train yourself to be confident, the same way that you can train yourself to be brave. But again... maybe it's not for everyone... Imagine, that you're confident, act on it, and you will be (it's not the same as imagining being normal though )
I think... and that's just my theory... that some people can find quite fascinating to find out that you think and feel differently... I start thinking that understanding may be more important than ability to relate. and... for many NTs those things may even be equal... again... just a theory...

 

[Ste11aeres]

It's good to talk to the other person, if possible, to try to explain...at least to say "it's not you, it's me."
I felt really rejected by someone, very very hurt, until one day he sought me out and explained the real reasons. Then I knew it wasn't even a matter of him disliking me; he didn't dislike me; the thing was complicated...but my point is, it's always better to explain so that the other person isn't going down some mental path of thinking you hate them, and thinking there is something wrong with them.

 

[paloftoon]

I don't know if this helps, but it is worth considering thinking about taking risks. If you get rejection, learn as much as possible, but in the process try to be honest and direct with whomever. So you may have a friendship getting closer, but are afraid of ruining it. "running away" will automatically break the closer friendship away, and I don't think that's what you want. I think you should consider writing your concerns and feelings on paper maybe and then giving that paper to that friend. I would type or hand write the letter. E-mail could be too instantaneous and lack the emotion you need.

 

[presshush]

I'm just the opposite. I can understand shallow relationships but prefer a deep one which usually is just one other person of the same level. It sort of is like a prison though. I'd like to venture out but that shame of rejection is still imprinted at the core. I somehow block friendships from forming too deep because of the intensity, empathy, and expectations that come with attachment.