daniegirl6224
Well-Known Member
I feel like everything in my life is a demand and is hard to do except hanging out with my partner and dog, and going to the dog park. If you experience demand avoidance, what things have you found helpful? Thank you!
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Demand avoidance / PDA
- Thread starter daniegirl6224
- Start date
@daniegirl6224
Do you see yourself as being a perfectionist? Certainly not always, but sometimes this can contribute to demand avoidance. Learning more about perfectionism, embracing humility, and accepting imperfection has helped me when I notice that I am avoiding demands.
Do you see yourself as being a perfectionist? Certainly not always, but sometimes this can contribute to demand avoidance. Learning more about perfectionism, embracing humility, and accepting imperfection has helped me when I notice that I am avoiding demands.
You can't tell me what to do! 
My philosophy is that even in life and death situations, when it really matters, when there are severe consequences, there are still choices to be made. Do or don't do.
I made a choice to get married, have children, buy a house, buy two cars, eat today, on and on. With that comes the consequences. It costs me time, energy, and money. The consequences of that is that I need to work and receive a paycheck that will cover it, or else, I lose it all. My feelings about it all never enter my mind. They are not relevant.
It's a very rare thing that things just happen and it's not my fault to some degree. I take responsibility for my contribution. I understand consequences. So, when it comes to this thing we call "demand avoidance", I run it through my filter of responsibility and consequences. If it really doesn't matter either way, then fine, I will focus on other things. I make my choices.
My philosophy is that even in life and death situations, when it really matters, when there are severe consequences, there are still choices to be made. Do or don't do.
I made a choice to get married, have children, buy a house, buy two cars, eat today, on and on. With that comes the consequences. It costs me time, energy, and money. The consequences of that is that I need to work and receive a paycheck that will cover it, or else, I lose it all. My feelings about it all never enter my mind. They are not relevant.
It's a very rare thing that things just happen and it's not my fault to some degree. I take responsibility for my contribution. I understand consequences. So, when it comes to this thing we call "demand avoidance", I run it through my filter of responsibility and consequences. If it really doesn't matter either way, then fine, I will focus on other things. I make my choices.
I have classic demand avoidance. I am very similar to Neonatal RRT in the way that I do understand obligations and priorities and nothing interferes with them, but bullies trying to push me around is an entirely different matter.
My reaction is instinctive, I don't just refuse to comply, I push back hard and start making demands of my own.
I changed jobs a lot.
My reaction is instinctive, I don't just refuse to comply, I push back hard and start making demands of my own.
I changed jobs a lot.
My step-dad was Type A perfectionist, that type of personality will push me into l don't want to that just because. Are there any emotions to look at in childhood, like a pushy parent? Sometimes l chose not to do something because it triggers unhealthy triggers then l have to sift thru what l feel, sit and filter thru uncomfortable thoughts, and then let it go. Today, everything was going wrong, which means l was heading into shutdown mode,(do nothing), l acknowledged my horrible day, went for fancy Vietnamese mocha latte, came home and put a bookcase together, (bribery works on myself).
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I often get the “I can’t deal with one more thing” feeling, where even the tiniest task seems like a mountain, especially if it involves communication. But I think that’s overload rather than demand avoidance. But I definitely know the feeling of not wanting to do something specifically because I’ve been asked to do it.
I think it’s important to be clear about why Doing The Thing is difficult, because if you define the problem correctly, you can then find the appropriate solution (which is sometimes Vietnamese mocha latte…)
If it’s overload, then avoiding whatever overloaded you is the way to go, until it wears off (at least as far as you can). Exhaustion and burnout are real. Adding more demands you can’t cope with on top of existing stress is not going to make anything better if you’re already at (or beyond) your limit.
If you automatically refuse to do something because it feels like a demand, then you are allowing the demand to control you (inversely). You aren’t exercising your own autonomy or judgment, or acting in your own interests, just automatically doing the opposite of whatever the demand was. You’ll probably end up feeling even more unsatisfied and controlled, because you end up in a position you didn’t want to be in.
Life is full of stuff you have to do, which can be sorted into categories:
- Legally obliged to do the thing (pay taxes)
- Morally obliged to do the thing (not commit adultery, if you’re in a monogamous relationship; be reasonably tidy if you are living in shared accommodation)
- Being paid to do the thing (what your boss tells you… up to a point)
- Doing the thing because it makes your life easier (tidying your stuff to avoid the situation where the first 45 minutes of any 5 minute job is looking for the stuff you need)
- Doing the thing because you enjoy the thing (Vietnamese mocha latte)
As NeonatalRRT and Outdated say, there are obligations, choices, and priorities that are part of life. And your choices have consequences.
If it’s demand avoidance, then take a breath, count to 10, and consider:
- Why is it/does it feel like a demand?
- Who is making the demand?
- Do they have any right to make demands of you, either because of who they are (e.g. your boss, your partner, even your dog) or the situation you are both in?
- Is the demand something that person has a right to demand?
- Why do you not want to do it? Or do you really want to do it, and you’re just resisting because it is (or feels like) a demand?
- What would happen if you did/did not do it?
Hopefully, that will help convert what feels like a demand, an imposition, into either an acceptance that this is one of those obligations that life imposes (not a demand by the person in front of you), or else a choice that you make (your choice might be triggered by the demand, but it’s still your choice). Real autonomy is when the decision to act or not is your own, and isn’t dictated by what the other person says.
If the demands are about predictable things that really you know you need to do as part of living in society (pay the bills, don’t mess up communal areas with your stuff, etc), it might also help to keep a list with regular items on it, so you can kind of pre-empt any demands by doing the thing before the demand arrives.
Or bribe yourself with Vietnamese mocha latte!
I think it’s important to be clear about why Doing The Thing is difficult, because if you define the problem correctly, you can then find the appropriate solution (which is sometimes Vietnamese mocha latte…)
If it’s overload, then avoiding whatever overloaded you is the way to go, until it wears off (at least as far as you can). Exhaustion and burnout are real. Adding more demands you can’t cope with on top of existing stress is not going to make anything better if you’re already at (or beyond) your limit.
If you automatically refuse to do something because it feels like a demand, then you are allowing the demand to control you (inversely). You aren’t exercising your own autonomy or judgment, or acting in your own interests, just automatically doing the opposite of whatever the demand was. You’ll probably end up feeling even more unsatisfied and controlled, because you end up in a position you didn’t want to be in.
Life is full of stuff you have to do, which can be sorted into categories:
- Legally obliged to do the thing (pay taxes)
- Morally obliged to do the thing (not commit adultery, if you’re in a monogamous relationship; be reasonably tidy if you are living in shared accommodation)
- Being paid to do the thing (what your boss tells you… up to a point)
- Doing the thing because it makes your life easier (tidying your stuff to avoid the situation where the first 45 minutes of any 5 minute job is looking for the stuff you need)
- Doing the thing because you enjoy the thing (Vietnamese mocha latte)
As NeonatalRRT and Outdated say, there are obligations, choices, and priorities that are part of life. And your choices have consequences.
If it’s demand avoidance, then take a breath, count to 10, and consider:
- Why is it/does it feel like a demand?
- Who is making the demand?
- Do they have any right to make demands of you, either because of who they are (e.g. your boss, your partner, even your dog) or the situation you are both in?
- Is the demand something that person has a right to demand?
- Why do you not want to do it? Or do you really want to do it, and you’re just resisting because it is (or feels like) a demand?
- What would happen if you did/did not do it?
Hopefully, that will help convert what feels like a demand, an imposition, into either an acceptance that this is one of those obligations that life imposes (not a demand by the person in front of you), or else a choice that you make (your choice might be triggered by the demand, but it’s still your choice). Real autonomy is when the decision to act or not is your own, and isn’t dictated by what the other person says.
If the demands are about predictable things that really you know you need to do as part of living in society (pay the bills, don’t mess up communal areas with your stuff, etc), it might also help to keep a list with regular items on it, so you can kind of pre-empt any demands by doing the thing before the demand arrives.
Or bribe yourself with Vietnamese mocha latte!
I have been called “The most stubborn son of a b***h on the planet”. But it’s mostly because I see mechanical issues from a geometric/mathematical perspective and I can usually quickly find a better way to make something work (such as arranging furniture or building a car alarm).
My situation could be mislabeled as Demand Avoidance, stubbornness, etc. However…. I really just don’t want to do it their way because it’s stupid to the point that I prefer to be still and ponder until I find a better way.
My situation could be mislabeled as Demand Avoidance, stubbornness, etc. However…. I really just don’t want to do it their way because it’s stupid to the point that I prefer to be still and ponder until I find a better way.
Apparently a lot of autistic people have problems with "executive function" - the various elements of Getting Things Done (even when you want to do them).
One of the things, apparently, is "task initiation". You can want to do it, have time to do it, know exactly what you have to do to do it, and so on.... but you just don't START it!
Executive function: what is it, and how do we support it in those with autism? Part I - Autism Awareness
For that (when nothing is stopping me other than my own inability to actually JUST DO IT), the things I find help are:
- Put it on my to-do list. Then I have the satisfaction of crossing it off, and avoid the annoyance of having it ON my list for ages.
- Tell myself, "If you'd just get on and do it, you'd spend half the time doing it than you've actually spent avoiding it and feeling bad about it."
Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't!
I have had some success with breaking tasks down into very tiny steps.
For example, something as mundane as getting the laundry done:
First I have to think about it for a day and convince my brain that it is time to get this done.
Then I move the laundry basket into plain sight, preferably somewhere where it is slightly in the way. Even still, sometimes this step lasts a day or two.
Then, I tell myself I will just bring it downstairs to the basement where the washer and dryer are. Sometimes that really is all I do, but other times my brain finally kicks in and says, “well, since I’m here anyway just throw it in.”
When I really seem to be having a hard time getting things done (even though the task is rather easy), I try to take these tiny steps to get a little bit closer to the goal until finally, not reaching the goal seems ridiculous.
For example, something as mundane as getting the laundry done:
First I have to think about it for a day and convince my brain that it is time to get this done.
Then I move the laundry basket into plain sight, preferably somewhere where it is slightly in the way. Even still, sometimes this step lasts a day or two.
Then, I tell myself I will just bring it downstairs to the basement where the washer and dryer are. Sometimes that really is all I do, but other times my brain finally kicks in and says, “well, since I’m here anyway just throw it in.”
When I really seem to be having a hard time getting things done (even though the task is rather easy), I try to take these tiny steps to get a little bit closer to the goal until finally, not reaching the goal seems ridiculous.
AuroraBorealis
AuuuuuDHD
I can relate to this problem.
Interestingly, my partner and I are polar opposites when it comes to our ability to do things. I'm the typical AuDHD type (diagnoses aside, it's just meant as a description): Making plans but not sticking to them, endless procrastination, difficulty to initiate, short and very productive but unfortunately rather rare bursts of energy in which I get a lot done, losing interest quickly, basically alternating between valleys of desperation in which I do everything but work on the actual task, and short phases where I manage to do the task. My partner's the opposite: doing research, making a plan, sticking to said plan, discipline, self-motivation, working towards a long-term goal.
I've always wished for that ability - it reminds me of what @Neonatal RRT described.
Mind you, this applies mainly for tasks I find challenging, boring, unpleasant, or which feel like they overexert my abilities. Part of the reason is that I quickly get overwhelmed by big and challenging tasks and struggle to break them down into manageable chunks without help.
Advice on how to deal with this...
- To-Do lists, to help me keep track of things and not get lost in my head, and to help me not forget tasks. If necessary, a task stays on my To-Do list for weeks/months. But at least I won't forget.
- Ask for my partner's help, especially if I struggle to break the task down into manageable chunks.
- Asking someone - usually my partner - to body-double, meaning that we're both in the same room, me working on my task, him doing something else but holding me accountable, simply by his presence.
- Setting myself a short time-frame to start, like - "you'll work on this task for 15 minutes now, without distractions". Usually, getting started is the hardest for me.
- Giving myself rewards, like "after doing this for xy amount of time, you'll have an hour of reading time".
- Changing location: if it's something on the computer, it can help to stay a bit longer at my workplace after work and do the task at my workplace. I find that I often am less distracted there.
I always have a certain struggle with this. But I find that I get way more problems with this "every tiny thing feels like a huge demand and I can't do any of it"-feeling when I'm generally getting overtired and overloaded. So it's kind of a warning signal for me to try and get more rest, if possible, have less social time and more interest time. So if you're having a phase where you experience this more than usual, then it might be good to stop and think whether you are particularly stressed right now and whether you could alleviate that.
Interestingly, my partner and I are polar opposites when it comes to our ability to do things. I'm the typical AuDHD type (diagnoses aside, it's just meant as a description): Making plans but not sticking to them, endless procrastination, difficulty to initiate, short and very productive but unfortunately rather rare bursts of energy in which I get a lot done, losing interest quickly, basically alternating between valleys of desperation in which I do everything but work on the actual task, and short phases where I manage to do the task. My partner's the opposite: doing research, making a plan, sticking to said plan, discipline, self-motivation, working towards a long-term goal.
I've always wished for that ability - it reminds me of what @Neonatal RRT described.
Mind you, this applies mainly for tasks I find challenging, boring, unpleasant, or which feel like they overexert my abilities. Part of the reason is that I quickly get overwhelmed by big and challenging tasks and struggle to break them down into manageable chunks without help.
Advice on how to deal with this...
- To-Do lists, to help me keep track of things and not get lost in my head, and to help me not forget tasks. If necessary, a task stays on my To-Do list for weeks/months. But at least I won't forget.
- Ask for my partner's help, especially if I struggle to break the task down into manageable chunks.
- Asking someone - usually my partner - to body-double, meaning that we're both in the same room, me working on my task, him doing something else but holding me accountable, simply by his presence.
- Setting myself a short time-frame to start, like - "you'll work on this task for 15 minutes now, without distractions". Usually, getting started is the hardest for me.
- Giving myself rewards, like "after doing this for xy amount of time, you'll have an hour of reading time".
- Changing location: if it's something on the computer, it can help to stay a bit longer at my workplace after work and do the task at my workplace. I find that I often am less distracted there.
I always have a certain struggle with this. But I find that I get way more problems with this "every tiny thing feels like a huge demand and I can't do any of it"-feeling when I'm generally getting overtired and overloaded. So it's kind of a warning signal for me to try and get more rest, if possible, have less social time and more interest time. So if you're having a phase where you experience this more than usual, then it might be good to stop and think whether you are particularly stressed right now and whether you could alleviate that.
I’ve always said that I only have two speeds: Haulin’ ass and passed out drunk. Basically it means that once I can push myself across the threshold of task initiation, everything gets completed in record time. I generally do my best when I have a set time to start and stop, and a SPECIFIC goal. I’ll work through lunch with a sandwich in one gand and tools in the other (probably because I don’t want to deal with starting up again after lunch)
All of which could be mischaracterized as ‘demand avoidance’ followed by ‘tunnel vision’.
All of which could be mischaracterized as ‘demand avoidance’ followed by ‘tunnel vision’.
GrownupGirl
Tempermental Artist
Remember everyone, NT people are like horoscopes. They're always telling us what to do, and they're usually wrong.
daniegirl6224
Well-Known Member
I found something that is helping me so wanted to post in case it helps someone else! I grew up with a dictator-like father, and I believe that + my autism is the reason for my demand avoidance. His parenting was “you need to do this and you need to do it NOW.” My new friend recommended having me “be the parent to myself that I need.” So when I need to do a task, use logic and find the “why.” One of my big struggles in showering. Instead of telling myself “I need to shower NOW” which results in a lot of internal resistance, I can tell myself that showering will make me feel better & clean afterwards 
and with cleaning - I will feel less stimulated after the clutter is gone hope this helps someone out there!
and with cleaning - I will feel less stimulated after the clutter is gone hope this helps someone out there!New Threads
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