Depressed girl dates aspie guy

[Filipa]

We both are 26 and PhD students.
I have dated my boyfriend for over than a year now, and we have been living together for several months.
My boyfriend is asperger, diagnosed for one year and half. I suffer from depression, I cannot tell exactly since when, but I have a formal diagnostic for 4 years now.

I have searched all over the internet for help. I've known for my boyfriend condition since day one, as he also have known about mine.
It have been incredibly difficult to date someone that is naturally non-empatetic. He tries the best way he is able to help, some of it is a little bit "forced", but it is his way of showing that he cares, doing something that is contrary to his condition.

We were about to get a house for ourselves, to start a real life together in a place that does not seem a college dorm (aka, the study were I lived alone, and then with him), when he told me something about the star of our relationship that broke my heart and conducted me to a state of depression were I have never been before...

He told me that while we were "flirting" with each other in college, having breaks together, studying but "forgetting" to call our other colleges to study with us, mooning at each other in classes..., he was seeing someone else.

We were not dating yet, and he told me that he had a "non-relationship" with that person. So, technically he was not cheating on anyone, and, at leat according to him, we never had anything before he broke up with that person.
I know that she is a friend of his sister in law, and know I know why his sister in law seemed to hate me so much at the beginning. Now we are friends, but I feel betrayed by a lot of people.

I feel betrayed by him, because while I was telling my friends about this wonderful guy that I met in my PhD classes, and for one time since almost forever, I was actually happy, I was not numb because of my pills, I was not meh, I was not just ok, I was actually happy. I was telling my friends in the birthday of one of them and almost dolid not recognized myself in the pictures, because of how much I was smiling. While I was telling my friends, choosing carefully my clothes to impress him, etc, he was having sex with another person....

I feel like trash, I feel humiliated, I feel completely hurt... We did not broke up. I don't know if we should do that. We told me that he was never unfaithful to me, and he is the typical asperger guy, that is dangerous to ask him about his day because he will start telling, with extreme detail, everything that he did in that day.

Even if I know that he never betrayed me or the other person I still feel like trash. I cry all day, I am not able to work, I cannot speak about this with any friends, the idiot of the therapist is always trying to rationalize that does not erase everything we had together and that he didn't betrayed anyone. And I know that, but it still hurts a lot.

I cannot sleep. I cannot eat. I just want to stay in bed. I have a PhD to conclude and I cannot find the strength, I have parents that I cannot disappoint even more, I have a job from hone that I have not being able to take care of, and I am afraid that I might be fired... I just really want to hurt myself, sometimes even die, not doing anything just because dying is too permanent, I would not be able to hurt myself again.

I feel worthless, I feel like all this time that poleople have been making fun of my on my back, him, his brother, his sister in law, even a few friends
I cannot speak with my friends, they would know that something is wrong with me and I don't wanna tell them. They would never forgive him and I don't know if I want to break things. Before this, I had my depression, my moments, but things with him were controlled, and that helped me to be the happiest that I can be.

I was able to deal with most problems that asperger brought, but this was the last drop. I don't know what to do. I love him and, yes, I know we were not compromised at the time, but it still hurts. I kind of forgive him, since we still try to make our relationship work. But I am hurt. Deeply hurt. I tried for help in depression forums, in relationship forums, but I am getting desperate. I still want to have a relationship with him, but at the same time I want to hurt myself, even if it to make me forget that pain for a few minutes

I don't know exactly what I am trying to find out here. Maybe some support? Advice? Or just the opportunity to tell my story? I don't know. Writing this was the most that I was able to do today. I need something, but I don't know exactly what..

Please, tell me something. Any advice? Any lecture? Maybe I am beeinhmg to harsh on him? Maybe I am not being harsh enough... I don't know
All over the internet there is advice for NT dating asperger, for asperger with depression, but I cannot find anything about being depressed and dating an asperger guy.

I know that most of this has nothing to do with being asperger or not, but his personality and rationalization makes everything worst

Please, help me before I do something stupid. Someone save me from myself

 

[Kalinychta]

I'm terribly sorry you're in so much pain. Can you explain a bit more specifically what's bothering you? You say he didn't betray you, but you're clearly reacting (emotionally) as though you think he did. Had the two of you ever spoken about prior relationships? Had you ever asked him if he was seeing anyone before he started seeing you? If so, did he lie to you and say no?

Unless he lied to you at some point, I would advise you to take a deep breath and get control of your emotions. Tons of people have prior relationships, including purely sexual ones, right before entering into new relationships with other people. It sounds like your boyfriend began flirting with you, realized he liked you, broke it off with the other girl, and started seeing you.

Flirting doesn't denote any kind of obligation. At all. Just because the two of you were flirting and getting to know each other didn't somehow mean that he should have taken a vow of chastity by cutting off any/all other romantic or sexual relationships just in case the two of you did end up becoming a couple. It was only when he actually officially entered into a relationship with you that the commitment to you began. So, if I'm understanding the situation correctly, there was no betrayal.

Why can you not talk to your friends? Are you not very close with them? Even if you don't want to talk about any of this with them, you should go to the spa or see a movie or do something fun with them to help you calm down. And if you don't like your therapist, then you really must find a new one, but I will say that it sounds like he is trying to tug you back to reality--he thinks that if you understand that there was no betrayal, then it will help you feel better. It's just like if your child wakes up in the night screaming that there is a monster in the closet, you wouldn't feed his mistaken belief in the monster--rather, you would explain that there is no monster in the closet.

Does that all make sense? Truly, honey, go take a nice hot bath and focus on your breathing for a while. And go talk to your boyfriend. Simply stewing in your own juices isn't going to help. It's just going to make you feel worse.

 

[Mia]

From my point of view Filipa, I don't understand why his seeing someone else before he knew you very well would cause such a cascade of self-destruction on your part. People date other people all the time. It's as if you wish to be your boyfriend's only one ever. And that anything that happened before has set you on a course of extreme reactions, for little coherent reason. This seems incredibly self-serving, rather than caring about someone.

I wonder if this is your way of sabotaging the relationship or using it as an excuse for failing at other things in your life? It's quite ludicrous in the extreme. And it makes absolutely no sense in any way shape or form. It has nothing to do with autism, or relationships with people on the spectrum. It's all about you, what you believe and are indicating here on a site that you just joined. You cannot blame someone else for your reactions to a situation that happened before you were finally together.

Take responsibly for them, own them. They are yours and no one else's. And sometimes the things we tell ourselves are not true, we can actually lie to ourselves. You need to talk to a professional about this, not people at a site that you don't know on the internet.

 

[Fino]

Have you ever stayed in a psychiatric hospital before? Your repeated mention of various self-harm makes me think it could be a good idea.

It sounds to me that your depression is not actually related to him and something else is going on. Something of him may have somehow triggered it, but it isn't a reasonable reaction to what I'm having difficulty even seeing as something wrong in any way.

There's either missing information or you're suffering from depression and have made a false association between it and him, and it's just depression, on it's own, unrelated to him. Of course, it could be related to any number of other things in your life or past. You or the idiot therapist would know that better than us.

Are you taking any medication? Have you mentioned this desire to self-harm to your therapist?

 

[H-Kath]

This sounds a lot like rejection sensitivity, like you suddenly feel less valued by him and that's wrecking your self image. Were you abused, bullied or made to feel like you weren't good enough by people that were supposed to be there for you when you were younger?

I just wonder if there's some trauma at work here and that's why you're having such an extreme reaction. I think it might be a good idea to seek another assessment and consider switching therapists. You don't feel listened to and you're not going to get to the bottom of why you're this devastated if you can't talk through it. You may need medicine to get through this or a different type of therapy.

You're also doing something notoriously stressful with your life right now. I think it's normal for grad students to need some extra help with our mental health. Does your therapist's office have a crisis number? What about your school, do they have mental health resources?

 

[shysnail]

Okay. Breathe. The first thing that comes across is that the facts of the situation and how you feel about the situation are two separate entities. It sounds like you've been seeking confirmation that this situation is objectively bad in order to explain the severity of your emotions about it, but in reality, I don't think you will find that. It's a very normal situation. My girlfriend went on a date with someone else a few days after going on a first date with me. I didn't love that fact when it came to light, but it's just the reality of human relationships. They're messy, not plucked from the pages of romance novels.

You rightly identified that your boyfriend's autism has nothing to do with this, apart from in his reactions making it worse from your perspective. But I wonder, what would make it better? What would be a reaction from him that would actually help you find closure on this?

Depression stands separate from life events. It sounds like your depression has got worse lately, but I also wonder whether this situation is a trigger, but not a cause. As others have suggested, find a therapist you get along with. They will be able to help you more than we can. Take care of yourself and take a step back. Try and not obsess over this situation and analyse it to death. Know that what is making you unhappy is in your head, meaning it is possible, with good support, to make changes from within that will help you find peace.

 

[Filipa]

Thank you all for your answers

To give a little bit more of context: I have been diagnosed by 4 years, I am on medication (adjusted for times to times); I was bulyed as a child, but overcomed that; I had an incredibly toxic relationship before about which I tried several times to talk about, more to explain some of my self-protective behavior; he never wanted to tell me about his previous relationships, and the only thing that he said about that it was that his previous girlfriend (2 years before we started dating) was always comparing him with her ex. I gave him several oportunities to tell me about it and he never did. Furthermore, before we started dating I made everything I could to find out if he was single or not.

When I met his family, his sister in law acted as she hated me. She ignored me and sometimes was even mean to me. My boyfriend was always saying that she was not mad at me, it was a thing that he made. Me and his sister in law overcome that and even became friends. She is also an aspie, so I tried to convince myself that she did not like me because I was a stranger (for what I read it is a common thing, aspies not liking the presence of strangers). Now I discover that she did not liked me because I was the person between him and a friend of hers

About to try to sabotage the relationship... I gave him all the opportunities to tell me before. Why he waited until we were about to get a house together and making plans for marrying each other to tell me that? I question myself if he was expecting me to break up with him...

I cannot speak with my friends because they would never forgive him. They love him. With my previous relationship they were always taking care of me, they were always afraid that something bad might happen. They spent hours on the phone with me trying to help. When they met my current boyfriend they were so happy. This guy would not tell half trues, will never put doubt in my mind about something cryptic that he said. This one was genuine. They helped me a lot dealing with the non-empathetic thing and always supported our relationship. I can't tell them this... I cant't tell this to no one that know us in real life, there would be no coming back.

In Portugal is very difficult to find a decent therapist. Furthermore, it is not something covered by our health insurances. I have the one I have after went to several of them.

I feel betrayed not only by him, but also by his brother and sister in law. I consider those two my friends, but I have been avoiding them, because I feel like everyone knew a secret that was kept for me. Now I know why his family never took me seriously...

I kind of feel that I have been living with a starnger all this time, that I was making plans to marry a complete starnger. That I am about to get out of my rent-controlled studio to live in a larger apartment, with enough rooms for at least two kids, for a guy that I used to think all the times that I was hurt and he did not help me, all the times that I went to my hometown (which is 3 ours and around 400 euros of distance) and we were distant physically and emotionally because he did not understand why should he call me, every time something like this happened I tried to thought: at least he does not keep anything for me, at least I can trust him, at least he do not tell me half of the true, and every time he tries it is easy to understand. I always tought that he could be distant, but he would always tell me everything.

He is not the cause of my depression, that thing is here longer before he appeared in my life. This new black hole is him. Him, and all the humiliation that I feel in this moment

 

[shysnail]

Your last paragraph suggests your relationship isn't based on a good foundation. It sounds like you're saying that you were willing to put up with things you don't like about your boyfriend (his emotional distance) because at least he's not doing this other thing (keeping things from you). That's really not a good way to conduct a relationship. I wonder if perhaps you have a perception of your boyfriend as someone who is always going to be honest because he is autistic, and since you have trust issues from a previous bad relationship, that is very appealing to you? Because, I hate to say it, but that stereotype that autistic people can't/won't lie is simply not true.

Also, being annoyed with his brother and sister-in-law as well as your boyfriend, is there a possibility that they didn't tell you simply because it's kind of rude (I would say) to talk about someone's exes to their current partner?

 

[AloneNotLonely]

Congratulations, you got your heart broken.

Everyone goes through this at some point (unless you end up marrying the first person you fall in love with and nothing goes wrong... which is pretty much only in fairy tales), there's not a thing you can do about the feeling. It'll linger for a very, very long time.

The whole Aspergers thing isn't even an issue here, he's just a jerk. Next time you fall for a guy, make sure he isn't a jerk first. You know, look beyond the package he comes in?

 

[Filipa]

Your last paragraph suggests your relationship isn't based on a good foundation. It sounds like you're saying that you were willing to put up with things you don't like about your boyfriend (his emotional distance) because at least he's not doing this other thing (keeping things from you). That's really not a good way to conduct a relationship. I wonder if perhaps you have a perception of your boyfriend as someone who is always going to be honest because he is autistic, and since you have trust issues from a previous bad relationship, that is very appealing to you? Because, I hate to say it, but that stereotype that autistic people can't/won't lie is simply not true.

Also, being annoyed with his brother and sister-in-law as well as your boyfriend, is there a possibility that they didn't tell you simply because it's kind of rude (I would say) to talk about someone's exes to their current partner?

Maybe I explained my self wrongly.
I love him and decided to have a relationship with him before knowing he was asperger. I know it from the first day that we started to date, but I did not know it when I was trying get get his attention.
I liked him because he was funny, incredibly smart, likes books and gaming like I do, etc
When the asperger thing came into the relationship I tried to understand everything that I could. With time I understood which traits he presented and which traits he didn't. What I wanted to saumy with that abaut his distance, is that some "aspie things" sometimes are between us, and I need something to hold myself, because there is a lot of wonderful good aspie things. One of them is his sincerity. He never says that I am fat, but if I ask him about it he always says "no, you have a little bit of tummy, but you are still beautiful". As most women, I don't like to be said that I have a little bit of tummy, but I like that he is being honest. That help to overcome some things. I am with him for mora than one year, I know it is impossible to change an aspie. Is possible to help him to develop some skills or to notice him when he is being rude (mainly in a work situation, he asks me a lot of training for that), but I will not change him.
What I wanted to say is that I try to see that good side, every time a bad one is present.

About his brother and sister in law, the brother I do not have that much to say, but the sister in law was hostile with me several times, and a lot of times sent tips to him in front of me. She was rude to me at the beginning and even after we started to get along she kept saying things in the air... I will eventually have to face her, but for now I will stay away from them

 

[Tom]

Relationships do not always start with both people at the same exact point, that is not currently seeing anyone else. In fact, at the beginning, one or the other is often involved with someone else but making a change. People can be in a 'dating' phase that involves seeing more then one person. Its not the same as being married or in a committed relationship. And at least from my viewpoint talking to a new GF about old GFs was something like disrespectful. I always think that what happens before the commitment point (in typical love life) is irrelevant. Only what happens thereafter matters.