Desensitisation Therapy-Picking fights to overcome confrontation anxiety!

[Spiller]

Every time I have a confrontation with anyone, I take a deep breath and remind myself that "I am equal to you!".. yet, while I manage a reasonable attitude and language in such situations, I can't stop the Dreaded Shakes!
Example: I always drive carefully and a little slowly, so that, should an accident happen, it'll be less serious, but there's no way you can account for inattention, ignorance, or just plain old stupidity. Still, today, Jaguar-guy opens his door at the petrol station without looking and gets it jammed into the wing, so it won't close.. and tries to blame me for speeding! So he's insistent we exchange insurance details, even though they'll either say it's his fault, or 50:50 and both our premiums'll go up anyway, which means I've gotta write my name, address and licence down, with my hands shaking like birds wings!
Meeerrry Christmas!
Now to Desensitisation therapy. I theorise that if, for example, I go into lots of pubs regularly and pick fights, small ones at first, obviously, then gradually build up to.. well, riots, I'll be able to cure my confrontation anxiety.
Does anyone have similar issues? How do you cope with it? Has anyone their own technique for overcoming it?

 

[Ste11aeres]

Now to Desensitisation therapy. I theorise that if, for example, I go into lots of pubs regularly and pick fights, small ones at first, obviously, then gradually build up to.. well, riots, I'll be able to cure my confrontation anxiety.

Umm, are you actually considering doing this? Or is this said tongue-in-cheek?

 

[Judge]

IMO anger is something to be managed. Controlled, subdued and minimized. Never something to be "harnessed".

For most human beings anger is physiologically toxic. (Ask any cardiologist.) Personally I wouldn't ever try to use deliberate confrontation as a form of exposure therapy.

 

[Spiller]

Umm, are you actually considering doing this? Or is this said tongue-in-cheek?

Personally I wouldn't ever try to use deliberate confrontation as a form of exposure therapy.

Worry ye not not folks, beatings not (many, hopefully) required, I'm just sick of the shaky hands thing, as it may make me appear inferior in said situations and I'm rather interested in varied informational input
So, so far, Ste11areres is worried for my continued well being.. Thank you and I think you're getting my brand of humor
Judge, I've been witness to similar therapy for a very effective cure for arachnophobia, given the participants' willing participation, though I completely agree to the toxic addiction properties of anger, fear, jealousy, etc.. taken gratefully into consideration, my friend

 

[Judge]

Judge, I've been witness to similar therapy for a very effective cure for arachnophobia, given the participants' willing participation, though I completely agree to the toxic addiction properties of anger, fear, jealousy, etc.. taken gratefully into consideration, my friend

Yes, similar dynamics of exposure therapy are quite effective in OCD cases as well. Confronting one's fears (not involving others).

But anger and confrontation itself with strangers...no. That's a poor catalyst for any kind of exposure therapy. I learned up close and personal from my father (and his doctor) who died of heart disease.

Of course you're in the UK...a somewhat different environment when it comes to confrontations with strangers. Here that can occasionally get you killed. No joke.

 

[Suzanne]

Oh, I not only get shaky hands, but go red, spit and jumble up my words and yet, despite this, I cannot keep quiet if there is injustice

Personally I would have refused to give my name and address. Something similar happened to my husband, but he was taken in with the smooth talk and my husband is not a confrontational man and so, gave out his details and when he told me, I was fuming, that is, at the injustice

 

[Judge]

I've been there myself. I had a panel truck back into my car at a red light. He apparently decided to change lanes before the light changed and proceeded to back up right into my car. When the insurance claim was filed the other party simply claimed that I rear-ended him. Of course- it was infuriating.

 

[Spiller]

Personally I would have refused to give my name and address.

Unfortunately, while I could've done a runner, the licence is all the other guy needs.. & then he can also get you for fleeing the scene of an accident & that never looks good hun

 

[Spiller]

I've been there myself. I had a panel truck back into my car at a red light. He apparently decided to change lanes before the light changed and proceeded to back up right into my car. When the insurance claim was filed the other party simply claimed that I rear-ended him. Of course- it was infuriating.

My sympathy, Judge! If the companies weren't just in it for the money, they'd insure the driver, not the car, generally.. I've never had an accident that was my fault in 25 years, but insurance in the UK is compulsory and varies predominantly on what car you have.. this guy may get his repaired, I may have to have mine written off and have to fork out for another cheapy.
Bring on the New Aspie World Order and fair justice.. no bashing, honest, apart from one blind jaguar driver

 

[Judge]

My sympathy, Judge! If the companies weren't just in it for the money, they'd insure the driver, not the car, generally.. I've never had an accident that was my fault in 25 years, but insurance in the UK is compulsory and varies predominantly on what car you have.. this guy may get his repaired, I may have to have mine written off and have to fork out for another cheapy.
Bring on the New Aspie World Order and fair justice.. no bashing, honest, apart from one blind jaguar driver

I worked for nearly two decades for a UK insurer.

LOL...you should "unlike" my post. I was an underwriter. The person responsible raising one's premium or non-renewing the policy based on loss data.

 

[Spiller]

I worked for nearly two decades for a UK insurer.

..I'm told red cars have the most claims, yet color doesn't come up in the form.. in fact, my insurance is considerably less if I say I'm 'Self employed', rather than 'Artist'.. therefore, totally bogus criteria.. pardon me if you enjoyed the job Judge

 

[Judge]

..I'm told red cars have the most claims, yet color doesn't come up in the form.. in fact, my insurance is considerably less if I say I'm 'Self employed', rather than 'Artist'.. therefore, totally bogus criteria.. pardon me if you enjoyed the job Judge

Nope...got to hate the job in the end. There's nothing fun or positive about insurance. It's all about negativity. The car color thing is a false myth...at least in the states.

But we do have proper stats nationally for the most ticketed vehicle. The Subaru WRX.

 

[Spiller]

LOL...you should "unlike" my post. I was an underwriter. The person responsible raising one's premium or non-renewing the policy based on loss data.

OOOoooo, Hey Brent, Bring back the 'disagree button'!

 

[Red Star]

I think, to find someone that will agree to have you 'try' aggression at them or vice versa, might give some 'template' as to how different people might react to you or you to them. I get that 'butterflies in the stomach' thing not just in my stomach but all over - I guess the same thing - when I'm faced with any uncomfortable situation. Breathing, some slow arm and hand stretches and trying to think 'calmly' (easier said then done) are all part of what helps me through - as well as racing through conversation scenarios in my head as fast as I can but keeping them simple. I agree with those above that getting beaten in a pub is definitely not the way to go, every person is different and capable of different outcomes, including you. Inside you'll still know that you're not an aggressive person and that you would potentially be fibbing when you front up to someone for no reason.

 

[AsheSkyler]

The shaking will never go away. I have learned how to harness and use my anger to my advantage, for the most part, and once adrenaline gets involved, you're gonna shake. If you can learn how to keep that part under control, yes, you can make the shaking go away. I'm currently working on controlling my adrenaline's desire to come out by finding that fine line between caring and caring too much since that seems to be the trigger. I think some people call it "cold rage". Because I would love to really tick off these blasted scammers that keep calling me by being able to string them along for an hour or so, but adrenaline makes me tongue-tied and it ruins the whole thing.

 

[Red Star]

[QUOTE="AsheSkyler, Because I would love to really tick off these blasted scammers that keep calling me by being able to string them along for an hour or so, .[/QUOTE]
I have a list of stuff I've practiced saying - seems a lot of people 'script', it's one of the ways people get through things, not just Aspies but NT's too.
One of my favourites - I get a mixed reaction - Caller: "May I speak to Mrs (name of previous owner that died 30 years ago)?"
Me: "Only if you have a good medium."
Caller: (they either chuckle, apologise or go silent with shock)
Another fun one - When a person of 'Asian sounding' voice calls with a survey -
Caller: "We'd like to offer you a chance to save on your electric/gas etc"
Me: "We don't have gas/electric".
Caller: "You dont have gas or electric? What do you use?"
Me: "Steam."
Caller: "Really?"
Me: "Yes. Really. Sometimes the sales people we keep locked in the cellar can't peddle fast enough so we have to use the steam generator."
::click::

Keep a list and add to it

 

[AsheSkyler]

I have a list of stuff I've practiced saying - seems a lot of people 'script', it's one of the ways people get through things, not just Aspies but NT's too.
One of my favourites - I get a mixed reaction - Caller: "May I speak to Mrs (name of previous owner that died 30 years ago)?"
Me: "Only if you have a good medium."
Caller: (they either chuckle, apologise or go silent with shock)
Another fun one - When a person of 'Asian sounding' voice calls with a survey -
Caller: "We'd like to offer you a chance to save on your electric/gas etc"
Me: "We don't have gas/electric".
Caller: "You dont have gas or electric? What do you use?"
Me: "Steam."
Caller: "Really?"
Me: "Yes. Really. Sometimes the sales people we keep locked in the cellar can't peddle fast enough so we have to use the steam generator."
::click::

Keep a list and add to it

Ooo, that would be fun! They almost always hang up on me as soon as I say "hi". It's hard keeping one on the line.

My last one was some twerp trying to sell "medical life alert devices to seniors". I told them I was in my twenties and I was the oldest of the house, and the two-year-old would certainly love a new button to push. Not that they took the hint, they change their numbers and call back pretty regular.

 

[radasp]

Confrontation is not the same as standing up for yourself. From what I read (and my own experience) the source of sudden anger can be seen in the incident itself, which pushes the Aspie button of injustice, unfairness, people blaming others for their mistakes. It's pretty much automatic to react with "adrenalin" which causes the shakes. Look up "fight or flight" response. The social world is based in inequality; people "get off" on bullying others. They get imaginary "points" for being rude, aggressive etc. It's all about "winning."

Just accept that social people will push you buttons to get you off balance (think of words like boxing gloves). Stand up for yourself if you're "right" but pick your battles. Most you can't win and society isn't going to change.