Diary of a Madman

[Suiseiseki]

Yes there's lots of that...(and yes that is an Ozzy Osbourne song and the first 2 lines to it)

This is where I will post all my insane ramblings, most won't directly relate to my feelings and probably sound like nothing to most of you...
But I do believe my sanity has always been in short supply, especially since all the effed up meditations I went threw.
Anyways when I begin to come up with **** I'll put it here...

All I can think about is those dumb romance anime's I keep watching for god knows what reasons.
Girls are depressing to think about, (oh and before I go on, please don't give me all that "cheer up it'll get better" crap)
I made this thread to write somewhere and vent the anger...but not to ask for help.
I don't need help, maybe I do-but I don't want it from anyone here
Which confuses me to the point of why am I here...

Why did I come to such a place when I hated the others so
why did I let myself fall into the old pit of same feelings
Like water dripping of a great cluster of ancient crystals
The moods my mind goes threw ebb and flow like water
so much I can almost hear it ready to break out and be free
tearing threw a world I couldn't quite pinpoint
And seeing a time I am not sure even exists
A fragile thing, the conscious mind
Walling itself away, deep in the caverns of mystery
the halls of the unknown
Great slabs of ice cover the entrance to the void of understanding
the void of reason and ideas
leaving all behind it trapped
forbidden to leave, forbidden to enter
subjected to the whims of its own sick and twisted games
I cannot remember the last of the rational thoughts
Or when a point wasn't made without a poem or a mystery
Such is the way, of the unknown void
Between the world of understanding
and the world of the gloom

 

[Dani Evar]

That's helplessly beautiful, beyond social consolation. Absolutely no need to judge it.

I'd rather feel extremely sorrowful myself (which is not actually the same as being 'pained'), than be merely happy the way most people are and just because of the way others interfere with my solitude. If you can move (even just once) unfettered, instead of only dwelling in this mire, you can be so creative (given that there's an object/objective for you to manifest it). Perhaps you have been creative yourself.

Profound. I'm sure, you're most capable of deep happiness though (just as you're able to contain a lot of non-trivial sorrow), in your own authentic way. It can happen at a special turn. I just don't know where that is. Perhaps in the most unlikely place.

 

[Suiseiseki]

you thought my weird rambling was beautiful lol
thanks

 

[Suiseiseki]

someone asked me why I would consider myself sick...I thought such a thing would be obvious.
I never, not a day in my life, enjoyed the madness that has been-my life.
None of it has been without this plague sucking at my brain like a leech.
It has not given anything good to me, nor will it ever.
Its different if you don't like what you are, some try and argue that, for some lame reason.

Like the last feeling, this one is more like a fire
cracking the rock that is my mind
and reducing it all to rubble
true madness has come

 

[Suiseiseki]

Black out!
black out!
screams ignite the deadly pyres surrounding the stone monoliths
I am lying on the dead sand, tired, almost in a haze
the unknown horror rages around me
I am lost within a sea of confusion
threatening to suck me under
pull me down back to the river
the river with the little boats
back to that horrid city and the dead stairs
This place was a loop
there was no escape
it spread to me
tearing me apart and making me whole once again
its over now

 

[142857]

I'm not much into poetry and stuff, but that is really impressive and I like it.

If you don't mind me asking Suiseiseki, how old are you?

 

[Dani Evar]

LOL

A beautiful poetic rambling can either have insanity or merely be an insanity.

Strangeness, when expressed through the appropriately eccentric mind and soul, can be self-quelling, such as yours, even if (or especially when) it's only pure chaos of the self-invaded and outwardly invading psychic background. It amounts to truly knowing what subjectivity and objectivity is, and going beyond them. Then, any form of beauty (with intrinsic uniqueness) can feel spontaneous.

I ramble too, occasionally:

http://www.aspergic.com/index.php?/topic/281-do-you-care/

Once I've finished writing a poem, especially a spontaneous one, I usually never read it ever again; never looking back on it.

you thought my weird rambling was beautiful lol
thanks

 

[Suiseiseki]

I'm not much into poetry and stuff, but that is really impressive and I like it.

If you don't mind me asking Suiseiseki, how old are you?

21 now
those were written sort of on the fly as it were
often my best work is

 

[142857]

21 now
those were written sort of on the fly as it were
often my best work is

"Cheer up, it'll get better". Yeah, I remember how much that sort of thing used to piss me off.

You said that it was depressing to think about girls. I totally understand what you are saying. So don't think about girls. If you don't have the confidence to form relationships and socialise, then get on with doing the things that you enjoy and getting outside your comfort zone just a little bit from time to time.

I wish that I could say that you'll be all better by the time you are 24 or something like that. I didn't get my first girlfriend until I was 36, which was many years after I had given up completely on that kind of thing. I know that if someone had told me when I was 21 that I'd have to wait another 15 years to actually get some then that would have made me even more depressed than I already was.

Putting pressure on yourself and/or listening to the well-meaning advice of non-Aspies is probably the worst thing you can do.

 

[Suiseiseki]

aspies have even worse advice
some of the worst people I ever met were aspies
well I enjoy my "obsessions" even less
I hate having them, they're all hidden and secretive so I never talk about them
mostly because they're embarrassing

I am not putting pressure on me-everyone else is
school, work, girls, everything

 

[Dani Evar]

I can sympathize with you and understand you, with all that I am (though apparently maybe not Suiseiseki, in his autistic way, which is ok ^_^) .

This thing about girls has been most devastating lately, due to much of my autistic, Aspergerian personality internalizing her (while naturally, it's simply sufficiently rich and solitary, self-contained), which turned out to be self-consuming, self-immolating, especially with a lot of dreams and hopes shared. I had no real idea of what a girl could be before this, with all her expensive moods and non-understanding (if it was an understanding, much of it was mere mimicry) of what (expectations) might be natural and spontaneous, and what might otherwise be crippling and cruel for the Aspie (such as in, "Go socialize (the way others do) and win people's hearts and respect, including my family's.").

It pains me that ultimately (as it was in the beginning) the society is the natural frame for all her 'normal' expectations; despite so much love (a sacrificing one as well) from me, she sees that neurotypical social construct first, in a preconceived social-mental mirror, before seeing me as a person-in-himself, in my own entirety, capable of giving her what (the truly unique, authentic things) others, let alone the society as a whole, might not be capable of giving anyone ever.

And that sort of social cruelty wins at last (in deciding whether the relationship is worth it or not), instead of individual uniqueness and authenticity. I hope it won't happen to anyone else, known or unknown to me, at the expense of much of individual authenticity and solitude.

I shiveringly recorded all that in this poem:

http://www.aspergic....81-do-you-care/

*Sighs*

"Cheer up, it'll get better". Yeah, I remember how much that sort of thing used to piss me off.

You said that it was depressing to think about girls. I totally understand what you are saying. So don't think about girls. If you don't have the confidence to form relationships and socialise, then get on with doing the things that you enjoy and getting outside your comfort zone just a little bit from time to time.

I wish that I could say that you'll be all better by the time you are 24 or something like that. I didn't get my first girlfriend until I was 36, which was many years after I had given up completely on that kind of thing. I know that if someone had told me when I was 21 that I'd have to wait another 15 years to actually get some then that would have made me even more depressed than I already was.

Putting pressure on yourself and/or listening to the well-meaning advice of non-Aspies is probably the worst thing you can do.

 

[Suiseiseki]

I can sympathize and understand you, with all that I am (though apparently maybe not Suiseiseki, in his autistic way, which is ok ^_^) .

This thing about girls has been most devastating lately, due to much of my autistic, Aspergerian personality internalizing her (while naturally, it's simply sufficiently solitary, self-contained), which turned out to be self-consuming, self-immolating, especially with a lot of dreams and hopes shared. I had no real idea of what a girl could be before this. I shiveringly recorded it in this poem:

http://www.aspergic....81-do-you-care/

*Sighs*

please, never ever call me autistic
that is the biggest insult anyone can call me

 

[Ruby_Aspergic]

nvm

 

[Suiseiseki]

nvm

yeah I was a bit ****ed that day
but I don't much like being called autistic lol

 

[142857]

but I don't much like being called autistic lol

I tend to agree. There really needs to be a better name for it. "Mentally retarded" and "Spastic" are both terms that have a similarly negative vibe, and the image of these conditions was helped by coming up with better names for them. I tend to think that the same needs to be done for a word like "Autistic".

 

[Dani Evar]

I don't think nor feel so, whether or not the society views it that way at large. The word 'autism', to me, is a kind of self-holomorphism, and not the same as 'mentally retarded' and the like.

I use it a lot the way both 'objective' scientists and 'subjective' writers and poets use it (even many writers and poets with autism). In short, in a Dostoiyevskian way, with its own sense of liberty. No offense at all, because I don't mind applying that word to myself, though it does not even remotely define me; but it's an islet of particular intentionality.

The use of subjective terms does not always imply negative connotation.

I tend to agree. There really needs to be a better name for it. "Mentally retarded" and "Spastic" are both terms that have a similarly negative vibe, and the image of these conditions was helped by coming up with better names for them. I tend to think that the same needs to be done for a word like "Autistic".

 

[Dani Evar]

I don't think nor feel so, whether or not the society views it that way at large. The word 'autism', to me, is a kind of self-holomorphism, and not the same as 'mentally retarded' and the like.

I use it a lot the way both 'objective' scientists and 'subjective' writers and poets use it (even many writers and poets with autism). In short, in a Dostoyevskian way, with its own sense of liberty. No offense at all, because I don't mind applying that word to myself, though it does not even remotely define me; but it's an islet of particular intentionality.

I tend to agree. There really needs to be a better name for it. "Mentally retarded" and "Spastic" are both terms that have a similarly negative vibe, and the image of these conditions was helped by coming up with better names for them. I tend to think that the same needs to be done for a word like "Autistic".

 

[Ruby_Aspergic]

"please, never ever call me autistic
that is the biggest insult anyone can call me"

If you do not want to be identified as autistic, by all means, let us know that. However, you can do so without such disdain. As someone that IS autistic, you saying this really hurt my feelings. It was rude. You could have said, "I prefer to be called aspergic, thanks!" or anything of the like that doesn't insult people that identify with "autism." Not all of us on the high functioning side end of things are lucky enough to be able to disassociate with the spectrum, and we do not deserve to be treated with such disrespect.

 

[Chris]

+1 To what Ruby said.

 

[142857]

To be fair, what I was trying to point out was that I believe that Suiseiseki is objecting to the word because of the negative connotation that some people put on it. He is not so much objecting to having the condition or being on the spectrum, just the word. I can appreciate that, even though I do not feel the same way.

And just as many of us do not feel that the word is offensive or insulting or negative in any way, there are some who really don't like the word and feel that there is a negative stigma attached to it. Just because I do not feel that the word "autistic" is negative doesn't change the way that some others feel about it.

I think of it much the same way as how some vertically challenged people **really** don't like being called a midget or even a dwarf. So they came up with a term that was more acceptable to them, "little person". That is their right to feel that way about the words that are used to describe them, even if I don't feel that there is anything wrong with those words.

//EDIT: And who said that we overthink everything? :ball: