Did discovering what stims are change your attitude about them?

[Neia]

What I mean is:
After discovering that "those little habits you always had" are actually stims, do you still try to conceal them, or do you feel more free to just let go and stim away?

I've noticed that after discovering that my annoying (to others) little habits are in fact a part of me coping with an overstimulating world, I've stopped caring as much.
I still try not to be too much of a nuisance if I'm in a public setting. I won't start pacing if I'm waiting in a line, and will try to keep my rocking on my feet to a minimum, but if I'm at the bus stop or in a waiting room, I just pace away, and rock from foot to foot to my heart's delight. That does help keep me calmer, my anxiety is still there, but it won't take over as much.

Sometimes though, I get that little annoying inner voice that calls me a hypocrite, that tells me I am just faking and calling attention to myself.
I know this isn't true, but it still bothers me.

How was it like for you?
How is it like for you?

Sorry... I ramble a lot.

 

[Rodafina]

I've noticed that after discovering that my annoying (to others) little habits are in fact a part of me coping with an overstimulating world, I've stopped caring as much.

This is similar to my experience, too. I find them to be fascinating and I'm intrigued by what my body automatically does in response to my thoughts and feelings. I think I've learned people are not paying such close attention to me and even if they are noticing, I just don't care.

 

[Neia]

I think I've learned people are not paying such close attention to me and even if they are noticing, I just don't care.

I get quizzical looks and annoyed stares if I start rocking on my feet while in a waiting line.
Even at the bus stop, when I start pacing back and forth, people stare as if what I'm doing is not proper.
I guess it's a part of the Portuguese culture to some extent. Like wearing clothes that haven't been ironed you'll get the side eye for sure.

 

[Rodafina]

I get quizzical looks and annoyed stares if I start rocking on my feet while in a waiting line.
Even at the bus stop, when I start pacing back and forth, people stare as if what I'm doing is not proper.
I guess it's a part of the Portuguese culture to some extent. Like wearing clothes that haven't been ironed you'll get the side eye for sure.

If people think I'm strange, the more personal space they give me, so a win for me in the end. I like to try to be a kind person, but I've been working on my angry glare to use in public for many years - this prevents people from thinking I'm open to small talk and casual interaction.

I've never owned an iron - although I have used them for arts and crafts projects. I think hoodies and leggings aren't noticeably nicer when you iron them.

 

[Misty Avich]

I don't really stim but if I did I wouldn't do it in public. I'm not judging anyone who does though, as it's not a bad thing or anything. I just don't like drawing people's attention to myself, and stimming visibly would make people look or make me become an easy target for being picked on by random teenagers or even adults. My self-esteem and poor self-image just couldn't take that kind of treatment. I'd rather be ignored in public, like I don't exist (except for any friendly intentions).

 

[Neia]

but I've been working on my angry glare to use in public for many years - this prevents people from thinking I'm open to small talk and casual interaction.

I do the same.

I once had another student (when I was still in school) tell me that I am actually nice and kind, and not mean as I looked before he got to know me

 

[Neia]

My self-esteem and poor self-image just couldn't take that kind of treatment. I'd rather be ignored in public, like I don't exist (except for any friendly intentions).

Yeah... I spent most of my life trying to be invisible, or unapproachable, still got bullied a lot though. I don't like confrontation, so I mostly let things slide. Unless it's something I have deep moral issues with or feel pushed to react. Then I'll say something, do something.

Stimming is different though.
I found quiet stims, like rubbing the knuckle of my left thumb with the tip of my left index, or grazing the middle finger nail over the tip of the thumb nail, etc.
Or quieter still, wiggling my toes. That's why I still like wearing shoes that are a bit too large for me.

I can look calm and in control, while still stimming without anyone noticing. It just doesn't feel as effective when I'm waiting at the bus stop or something like that. Maybe because the anxiety levels are much higher while in the wide open world, or in a room full of strangers all wearing different perfumes and chatting loudly, and playing music loudly, and playing games with loud beeping noises, ...
I guess pacing stops me from actually walking away from such situations. Because that is my first instinct. Walk away and into the relative safety of my home.

 

[Misty Avich]

Yeah... I spent most of my life trying to be invisible, or unapproachable, still got bullied a lot though. I don't like confrontation, so I mostly let things slide, unless it's something I have deep moral issues with or feel pushed to react. Then I'll say something.

I got bullied and targeted when I was younger but now usually people leave me alone, so I probably look normal now.

 

[Misty Avich]

I was in a really stressful shop the other day. We needed to look for a birthday present for my husband's little grandson and also some baby toys for my sister's new arrival. We went into the huge toy shop, but it was the worst time to go really because it was the start of the summer holidays so every family in town took their kids in there. I find young children more stressful in public than any other age groups, especially in a toy shop. They walk into you, follow you around thinking you're their caregiver, demand their parents for toys, and melt down if they are told they cannot have a toy. The aisles are narrow so everywhere you go you're in the way of someone with a large pram or stroller wanting to get past. It's a sensory nightmare and makes me wish there was just one day a week dedicated to adults and older children where we can go into these shops happily without having to tolerate other people's kids. Okay I love the children in my family and my friend's children of course, but otherwise, small children in general, sorry to say, I don't like at all. It's nothing personal and I wouldn't hurt them. I just don't do well with them in shops, restaurants, trains and other public places.

I felt very stressed in there and I think my facial expressions showed it. But I didn't feel I was being stared at, so maybe other people (even parents) knew how I was feeling, as they were probably stressed too. But I'd rather be in there with a kid of my own than be a childless woman in there, as I'd focus on my kid and might be able to block other kids out.

 

[Neia]

I got bullied and targeted when I was younger but now usually people leave me alone, so I probably look normal now.

I stopped caring about looking normal years ago. Even before figuring out that I'm most likely autistic.
Now I just want to look in control, and to let people know that if they push too much they'll get push-back.
If people can't accept me as I am, then I don't need them in my life. That's part of the reason I don't keep such close contact with my family, and some people I considered as close friends for years. They kept demanding that I respect and accept them, but never offered respect and acceptance in return. To the point of speaking about me behind my back.
Pity (for them) they were backstabbing me to others who actually care for me. So I got warned about them.

 

[Misty Avich]

Yes it does seem unfair to live in a world where we're expected to respect and understand others but they aren't expected to understand or respect us. It just makes it very difficult, which is why I don't feel empathy for everybody in the world and I do sometimes put my needs first, just like everyone else does. I feel empathy, of course I do, and I generally respect people individually and care about people, but if there's a situation where I'm really anxious or stressed then I'm going to think of myself and the sake of my mental health rather than letting people lecture me into thinking of them all the time, the ones who aren't stressed in the situation. Just because I'm on the spectrum it doesn't mean I need to be lectured about people's feelings all the time, I find that very patronising and irritating. I know about people's feelings but as a survival skill I sometimes need to put my needs first.

When I was a child I seemed blissfully unaware that strangers judge you. I thought only people you know judged you, while strangers never noticed or cared what you were saying or doing (I'm talking about kids at school who you didn't know). Then during adolescence I got lectured so much about how my behaviour was embarrassing, that I sort of became conditioned to believe that strangers judge more harshly than people you know and that their opinions matter so much and so you have to act a certain way in public if you don't want to be ridiculed. I was like ''no, I don't want to be ridiculed'', and have been masking way too much in public ever since, to the point where I have become agoraphobic because masking is just too tiring. No, I mask less when around people who know me, but around strangers I feel very self-conscious.

 

[Neia]

But I'd rather be in there with a kid of my own than be a childless woman in there, as I'd focus on my kid and might be able to block other kids out.

I can't stand spoiled kids and their parents. Bunch of whiny gits.
Best time to shop is usually late-ish in the day. Around 8 to 10 pm, when most kids are asleepand even adults are home, with their kids.

 

[Neia]

No, I mask less when around people who know me, but around strangers I feel very self-conscious.

I didn't even know what masking was till about 3 or 4 months ago. Then it was like this huge light went on in my brain and I finally had a name for this thing I had been doing all my life.

And I know I do it with everyone, even family members and other loved ones, because I just can't stop myself. It just comes on the minute I see or speak on the phone with someone else.

Sometimes I do it well enough to not let them see how I am really feeling, other times I fail spectacularly... then I get the odd stares and raised eyebrows.

 

[AuAL]

I didn’t know I was autistic until a year ago. I didn’t know I stimmed until a year ago. After decades of masking, most of my stims were almost imperceptible unless you were looking for them. (Unless I was looking for them. I didn’t even know myself.) A couple caught my wife’s eye - “”What’s that about?” I didn’t know. Now I do. If I am without one of my kombologia, other stims will emerge. I try to avoid the teeth-licking because it gives strange facial expressions so, when I notice it happening, I become more aware of my surroundings - what is stressing me? I will either get a komboloi (I almost always have them near to hand now) or start finger-stimming, which is less perceptible. I generally do not avoid the situations that cause the stress - this is the world I have lived in for over 60 years; I am used to it - but I am now aware of some of the ways I have unconsciously learned to live with it.

 

[jsilver256]

Yes and no.

I've developed a lot of stims in my alcohol recovery. The most noticeable one is the hand bouncing one. It seems to come out when I am out & about and trying to get something done. So, yeah, it happens in public a lot.

My therapist said that most adult autistics have issues with verbal processing, e.g., they release their emotions through saying things and unfortunately often have cursing problems. He thinks because I have no natural capacity for verbal release, my brain is compensating for emotional catharsis by stimming twice as much.

The problem is when I'm in a social situation and others notice it. Luckily I don't bounce my hand as much when I am anxious so that precludes a lot of social situations. But when I finally start getting relaxed and enjoying things a bit, that's when it comes out and that's when the stares start.

And I'm afraid to be around my family because they'll judge it big time.

 

[FayetheAspie]

I don't think they are all avoidable. Don't always even know I am doing some of them until I notice or someone points it out . Even when knowing, it is hard not to either rock back and forth or bounce foot most of the time. I tend to pace when excited or nervous. When excited I sometimes take off galloping. I will do this back and forth intentionally in the hall while listening to music but sometimes have just galloped across an area spontaneously when very excited then realized that I was doing it. The exception is when my mind is hyperfocused on something I am doing. I don't think I stim at all then.

 

[FayetheAspie]

As long as you are not doing anything wrong or harmful, I don't think it should matter if you need to stim or not. Most people have thought I was weird my whole life. I have mostly learned to just ignore the attitudes and go on enjoying my day. It does still hurt if it comes from a family member though.

 

[Outdated]

I always paced, but not angry marching up and down like people do when they've got their nose out of joint, I just sort of wander up and down slowly, usually lost in a daydream as well. I'll often just stand instead of sitting too.

Knowing nothing about autism I always thought it was just because I had the typical tradesman's bad back, I can't sit in normal chairs for very long, it causes a lot of pain in my lower back. I can't do an office job for that reason, they'd have to raise a bench for me and let me work standing up. As a printer I was used to being on my feet for 12 to 14 hours at a time, the only time you get to sit down in that job is when you get in the car to go home.

A lot of people found my pacing annoying - "Will you sit down!?" and I always refused with the excuse that my back's playing up. When talking to a group of people I found standing a lot easier too, my pacing then transforms in to acting as I tell stories a bit like the better stand up comics do, I can be a very animated speaker with hand gestures, facial expressions and body language all matching what I'm saying. That's a lot more difficult to do when sitting.

My hands are always busy, but not in a way that stands out to most people. If I have a piece of paper in my hand, shop receipt, etc, it'll get folded in to all sorts of shapes. If someone leaves me waiting in their office too long (bureaucrats) I'll get a sheet of paper from their photocopier and start making things, they'll come back to a desk covered in paper frogs, dogs and birds.

When I found out about a year ago that this is stimming I thought about unobtrusive ways I could keep my hands busy, and I bought a set of metal dice. I only wanted one but it was cheaper to buy a set. Just one small indestructible die in the bottom of my pocket for me to fidget with when in public. In some ways it's sort of comforting to have it there but it doesn't even come close to playing with a bit of paper.

 

[Roisin]

My favourite stim is with my feet, just rubbing them together; it happens most times when I'm without shoes and not standing. So soothing.
The rest of the time, I use my hands. I have two smooth rocks that I've used for the last 12 years. They are also calming and a less obvious option than the feet. Mostly, I twirl my hair or fidget with spiral hair bobbins worn around my wrist.
In childhood, I was punished for fidgeting, and for years, I suppressed it (except for my feet stimming in bed). Discovering that they help to regulate Autistic people was a turning point. People do notice these movements, but unless it is a work situation where I am having a one-to-one conversation (it could be misconstrued as disinterest), I almost never curtail them these days.

 

[WhitewaterWoman]

I had no idea these little habits of mine were stims and characteristic of autism. Most of mine attract little attention. I suspect if I had any more obvious stims they were drummed out of me in childhood (most of which I cannot remember.

My stims are rubbing my feet together when in bed, rubbing various fingers together, stroking my arm, playing with my hair and humming to myself.