Did I Mess Up?

[KimS]

Hey everyone! I would appreciate your feedback/advice. I had a rough interaction today and I'm still unsure if I made the right decision in a difficult situation.

I'm just coming off months of burnout and trying to get back into the world. My 21 year old trans son Orion just lost his third job since summer (and told me he now self-identifies as autistic.) His live-girlfriend threatened to kick him out for not keeping up his share of the bills. I needed some house repairs done anyway, so as a way to help him, I offered to have him come down to my state this coming week complete the work for what I would have paid the professional guy we had contacted.

Me, my husband and my son are all on the spectrum, and the two boys have sensory issues, plus my husband the college prof is giving his final during this time, but it was the only time Orion would come down so we thought we'd be able to handle the chaos for Orion's sake. Okay, the situation blew up today when Orion called and said his girlfriend would be coming along. He had this list of accommodations we were expected to make for her.

She has visited us before, times they spent either fighting or he was helping her through one of several anxiety attacks. Orion blamed me for not preparing for her correctly and thus the accommodations list for this visit. List highlights: only things she wants to watch on TV, quiet hours because she needs to study for her finals, she decides on timing of group outings, and more of the same.

After that call, my stomach knotted up and I felt this huge wall of exhaustion and anxiety kicking me right back towards burnout. I called Orion back and said the visit was making me very stressed and if we could talk about that, and that maybe the girlfriend could not come this visit or they could stay with other family while here. Nope.

I was told the girlfriend thought I used my autism as a way to avoid her, and I was a terrible mother for not welcoming her and changing all three household members' routines to accommodate her. Orion started yelling even worse at me, and he sounded so much like his abusive father I couldn't deal anymore and told him that.

I'm sad, but that overwhelming anxiety went away. I don't feel guilty about canceling, but I wonder if I should.

TL,DR Son's girlfriend with a history of bringing lots of drama wants to come along on visit during highly stressful time for family and I said no

 

[Darkkin]

Asking an entire family to rearrange their routines and schedules to accommodate the needs and wants of a single individual is NOT okay. While some compromise is necessary, a list of demands and requirements is totally out of line.

Consider what is best for you and your household. Talk it over as a family and decide as a family. This is your space you are dealing with. People visit your space, they need to respect your guidelines and routines. It is not your job to pander to one individual at the cost of your family and yourself.

Voice your concerns. Be firm, be fair. Point blank ask: How making all these accommodations for GF is fair to anyone? How is it logical?

Set reasonable boundaries and expectations that accommodate your family in your space.

 

[Aspychata]

You aren't a hotel. Seriously, she could stay home or stay in a hotel for one night to study. She has options. I would kindly inform what things you can provide. She can bring her phone and watch shows on that. As far the timing, you will decide on the timing, and she is welcome to attend or not attend outings. You son probably went off because he is on the middle. He can't stand up to her, and he can't stand up to you, so it just comes out as frustration and then anger. So perhaps talk to her directly, and let her know with finals, maybe it's better she stays behind. That is a lot of stuff to get thru.

 

[Darkkin]

Spock explains it better.

 

[VictorR]

Here's a commentary (not mine) on on competing access needs.

Ultimately, we have to take care of ourselves first, and what what he is proposing, notwithstanding that it's for his girlfriend's needs, is to put you in a situation where you are going to get hurt, and that's not okay, and you have every right to say no.

 

[KimS]

Asking an entire family to rearrange their routines and schedules to accommodate the needs and wants of a single individual is NOT okay. While some compromise is necessary, a list of demands and requirements is totally out of line.

Consider what is best for you and your household. Talk it over as a family and decide as a family. This is your space you are dealing with. People visit your space, they need to respect your guidelines and routines. It is not your job to pander to one individual at the cost of your family and yourself.

Voice your concerns. Be firm, be fair. Point blank ask: How making all these accommodations for GF is fair to anyone? How is it logical?

Set reasonable boundaries and expectations that accommodate your family in your space.

Thank you for this! I showed it to my husband and he agreed with you. We offered to put son and girlfriend in a local hotel but were declined.

 

[WittyAspie]

Orion doesn't seem to understand that you are doing him a favor by offering to pay him professional wages for amateur work. His visit is supposed to be a chance to earn money while doing house repairs, not visit with his girlfriend. It sounds like Orion and his girlfriend have an unhealthy relationship that they need to work out. It is probably best for everyone involved that you not entertain their demands. Even if they can't see it now, Orion and his girlfriend need to learn that they cannot have unreasonable demands of others. We all have to grow up at some point. The early 20s is an opportune time for maturity.

 

[Atrapa Almas]

I have some experience in risk management, and putting together dinamite, fire and oxigen is never a good idea. It may not explode, but its risky.

The root error was not talking clear with Orion:

• Mum: Hello Orion, since you are having financial problems I could do you the favour of giving you a temporaly work here at home. The work consist in doing A), B), C) and D). And you will get paid X. Sounds like a good deal for you?
• Orion: No way mum, If I go home I want you to change all your routines and host my gilfriend for free.
• Mum: No way, see you next Xmas. Best of luck finding a job and not getting your ass kiked by your girlfriend. Love you so much.

Your house, your job offer, YOUR RULES. Period.

 

[KimS]

You aren't a hotel. Seriously, she could stay home or stay in a hotel for one night to study. She has options. I would kindly inform what things you can provide. She can bring her phone and watch shows on that. As far the timing, you will decide on the timing, and she is welcome to attend or not attend outings. You son probably went off because he is on the middle. He can't stand up to her, and he can't stand up to you, so it just comes out as frustration and then anger. So perhaps talk to her directly, and let her know with finals, maybe it's better she stays behind. That is a lot of stuff to get thru.

Thanks for replying! My son told me today that couples should always travel together to visit family or friends. He never used to say that in previous relationships.

 

[KimS]

Spock explains it better.

Thanks for the good laugh! Yeah, Spock summed that up nicely.

 

[Darkkin]

Thank you for this! I showed it to my husband and he agreed with you. We offered to put son and girlfriend in a local hotel but were declined.

You offered reasonable alternatives. That speaks volumes in and of itself. They don't like the alternative that is their problem, not yours.

 

[KimS]

Here's a commentary (not mine) on on competing access needs.

Ultimately, we have to take care of ourselves first, and what what he is proposing, notwithstanding that it's for his girlfriend's needs, is to put you in a situation where you are going to get hurt, and that's not okay, and you have every right to say no.

Thanks so much for the link and the support! I'm so not ready to deal with the drama she'll bring.

 

[KimS]

I have some experience in risk management, and putting together dinamite, fire and oxigen is never a good idea. It may not explode, but its risky.

The root error was not talking clear with Orion:

• Mum: Hello Orion, since you are having financial problems I could do you the favour of giving you a temporaly work here at home. The work consist in doing A), B), C) and D). And you will get paid X. Sounds like a good deal for you?
• Orion: No way mum, If I go home I want you to change all your routines and host my gilfriend for free.
• Mum: No way, see you next Xmas. Best of luck finding a job and not getting your ass kiked by your girlfriend. Love you so much.

Your house, your job offer, YOUR RULES. Period.

This will be my script to follow next time! Thanks!

 

[KimS]

Orion doesn't seem to understand that you are doing him a favor by offering to pay him professional wages for amateur work. His visit is supposed to be a chance to earn money while doing house repairs, not visit with his girlfriend. It sounds like Orion and his girlfriend have an unhealthy relationship that they need to work out. It is probably best for everyone involved that you not entertain their demands. Even if they can't see it now, Orion and his girlfriend need to learn that they cannot have unreasonable demands of others. We all have to grow up at some point. The early 20s is an opportune time for maturity.

Thanks for replying and confirming their demands were unreasonable. I want to help him, but not in a way that enables poor behavior.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Your son and his girlfriend sound like entitled Karens. You are doing him a favor and as guests in your household it is they who need to make reasonable accommodation to you or make other arrangements. When I am a guest I always will be accommodating and even do simple chores. You are not running a resort and I believe that that woman has no sense of other people's boundaries. She seems like a user to me and would not be grateful for you accommodating her. You do not deserve such abuse.

 

[KimS]

Your son and his girlfriend sound like entitled Karens. You are doing him a favor and as guests in your household it is they who need to make reasonable accommodation to you or make other arrangements. When I am a guest I always will be accommodating and even do simple chores. You are not running a resort and I believe that that woman has no sense of other people's boundaries. She seems like a user to me and would not be grateful for you accommodating her. You do not deserve such abuse.

Thank you! This helps me so much!

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Thanks for replying! My son told me today that couples should always travel together to visit family or friends. He never used to say that in previous relationships.

Sounds like insecurity to me. Besides common interests my spouse and I sometimes travel solo. We trust each other. Right now I am in Thailand without her and she does enjoy hearing my tales. Tomorrow I am returning home and looking forward to our reunion.

 

[Forest Cat]

I'm not sure how to put this nicely since it is your son. I can say this, if I had a son and he behaved like that towards his mother, he would not get away with it. That's for sure. It's not accetable. He's 21, 21 year old guys get easily addicted to girlfriends and forget everything else and he still needs to learn a few things. It happened to me too. And you didn't mess up, he messed up.

My son told me today that couples should always travel together to visit family or friends. He never used to say that in previous relationships.

The next time he tries to teach you things about life, remind him who wiped his butt and fed him.

 

[Richelle-H]

I want to say that I have seen something similar to this in my own family and what follows is just my reading of the situation.

Orion is addicted to a toxic substance, i.e. a manipulative girlfriend! I saw it happen with my brother a long time ago and it ended quite badly... eventually. No matter what you say, no matter what you do, Orion will not respond well or act like someone who is thinking rationally. That is the hallmark of an addict and the drug is sex.

Of course, I could be completely wrong about that and I hope I am.

 

[Callistemon]

It's all been said already and I've got nothing to add except a cyberhug or cyberbow (whichever is preferred) to the OP, and to say that this is a fabulous group of people who have replied here. ♥

I've spent a fair bit of today dealing with the fallout of setting a firm boundary on an entitled and rude past guest, and it's nice to be back in a universe where people believe in ground rules, personal boundaries and good manners.