Different Friendship Levels

[Aeterna]

Hello,

I am a 21 year-old aspie and I've often found that I have a tendency to either want to be best friends with someone or not talk to them any more than is necessary. However, I've noticed that many NTs seem to have much more in-between than that. For example, I'll meet someone who acts nice to me and seems to want to be friends, but over time I'll realize that they're only interested in talking to me when it's convenient for them, and that they consistently prefer the company of their "real" friends. I know that I'm not always good at expressing my interest in developing a closer friendship, and I likely seem unclear or more indifferent than I really am, but I've frequently experienced this "friendship limit" where I get the distinct impression that someone maybe likes me, but only to a certain point.

The problem is, I have trouble recognizing what level of friendship someone wants, and I often find myself pursuing a friendship further than I later wish I had, mistaking the person's politeness for interest. I also have the opposite problem, partly out of anxiety due to the aforementioned situations, in that I am afraid to try and hang out with someone more or open up to them, because I can't tell if I'm being over-bearing and if they would rather I stop.

I was wondering if anyone had any advice on how to tell when a person wants to be closer friends with you as opposed to being on friendly enough terms to ask favors or something, and what specifically to do to progress from the "friendly chatting when we happen to be in the same place" stage to the "hanging out and talking about personal things" stage if someone is interested. I feel bad just cutting someone out of my life if I'm not sure I'm interpreting them correctly, and I also worry about making a fool of myself by trying too hard, especially with people I'm obligated to interact with, such as coworkers.

Any input or advice would be greatly appreciated!

 

[paloftoon]

I used to have so much trouble with this, and what took me so long to get it was the lack of emotional support I received in this regard. It was just assumed that I couldn't comprehend how people were really being to me, when in reality, the situations and the emotions related to them were more complex. People can be very cold and manipulative. The best you can do is find ways to stand your ground but listen when necessary. Hold enough confidence that you are a good person and can learn how to have others earn your trust. Assume that people only want to chit chat. If they can be closer friends, see what they initiate with you. If they ask you for too much, try to respond back with you'll think about it to buy more time if you don't know how to respond, or respond with if I was asking you the same thing, I'm not sure you would do that for me.

Another thing to try to notice is how much you "level" with a person. If you and another person aren't "leveling" with each other, you can assume the two of your are not anything more than just acquaintances. An example of not being level with someone you're with is if say you invite a friend to a concert. You're making independent decisions on what you want to buy and taking responsibility for making sure you aren't burdening your friend by say asking for money. You bought your ticket ahead of time and let your friend know about the concert 2 months in advance. Say this friend, however, did not buy their ticket. Let's say you get to the show and the concert is sold out. Then that friend expects you to take him back to his home and doesn't respect your time and energy to enjoy the concert to the point that you have to force being paid for the amount of extra gas it took to take that person back home. Someone who is so unaware of their own responsibilities and thinks it's okay to be overly clingy and burdensome in this manner is a possible example of someone that would not level with someone else more responsible.

A former friend gave me a slightly great piece of advice that I made great: She told me sometimes you have to be manipulative to get people to do what you want them to do.

She, of course took this too far and got selfish and lazy.

I've changed it to this in my mind: Sometimes you have to be slightly manipulative in a purposeful manner to get people to do what you want them to do.
-In other words, not being manipulative to treat another person like they are in a game. Not being manipulative in a way that you are making fun of the other person. Finding solutions in that moment that simply help people know you can stand up for yourself when necessary.

2 main things to understand how to work with levels of friendships:
1. build confidence to show that others can't walk all over you
2. if you don't know the answer to something, that is okay. Buy more time. If someone won't let you have some more time, chances are, they are probably not a good friend. Not that that can't change, but you have to make higher qualities of your friendship harder to earn.

 

[Tom]

Pursue those whom interest you, in a slow measured way, one step at a time.

When you get a rebuff, you know you are 1 level above their preference.

Respond to people in slow measured way, meeting them at same level they approach you but not taking it up the next level.

In other words, just be chill and let things reveal themself over time.

 

[As sweet as-pie]

I struggle with that too. I usually assign people to one of two categories, "very close friend" or "acquaintance/stranger". The neurotypical thing of casual friendship confuses me... I agree with Sportster completely, superficial kindness aggravates me. I either want 110% from someone or nothing at all, when people are my "friend" just to hang out or talk to me when it's convenient for them, I'd rather just not talk to them or see them at all. Friendship in itself is a weird concept, e.g when my dad was at school (also aspie) his teacher told him to make friends and when he asked what a friend was she said "someone that's nice to you and who you're nice to" and he asked "why isn't everyone just nice to everyone else" and I completely agree... the concept of exclusion confuses me greatly... but then again so does most of socialisation as a whole.

 

[Judge]

When I look back on my life in such a context, it forces me to surmise that the notion of a true and meaningful friendship was something I left behind by the time I was seven years old. Of course it didn't help that I was raised in a military family, were we routinely moved every few years.

And much later lamented that the transient realities of adults in today's society make the prospects of real and lasting friendships quite daunting to obtain and sustain.

That whatever I might have interpreted as a "friendship" simply didn't last. Not by my fault or theirs...but more often than not just circumstances beyond our control. Usually related to our employment.