Difficult relationship with my Sister

[unpeaceofBea]

My sister is only 2 years older than me, and even thought I fail to remember a lot of my childhood, I feel like I have always looked up to her and loved her unconditionally, despite all the differences that seem to separate us.

She knows I might be on the spectrum, and I suspect she is neurodivergent in some way although also not diagnosed.
We’ve had a difficult relationship because of unfavourable socio-economical and familial issues but generally ever since she moved out and started being more adulty in the outside world and outside of our family triggers, we have gotten closer, she seems a lot more emotionally involved with me than she used to be before, and like she tries to see me and interact with me more and in ways that are more respectful of my being.

But on the other hand, despite all that, I still feel this inexplicable, unescapable awkwardness when I’m alone with her. It’s not just a thing that happens with her, as I feel a social pressure to talk and engage in conversation with mostly everyone, but I don’t understand why with her it’s so intense. Like, I constantly feel as if I’m failing to communicate with her, I see her laughing and being carefree with her friends and it makes me feel sad that she isn’t the same with me. I try to create the circumstances to make both of us comfortable, and I try to engage in conversation so much, but there’s always so much awkwardess and stilted conversation.

We’ve discussed this awkwardness and how I feel like we don’t talk as much as I’d like, and with the freedom I’d enjoy, and she told me that, because of specific traits i have grown to have within our family environment, she feels that I’m always masking with her and that no matter what she asks, I’ll just never be genuine and only tell her what i think she wants to hear, which is wholly untrue. She said some other thngs, like sometimes I behave in such a way that triggers bad childhood memories because she’s “learned to cope” with them and seeing “me doing the things she’s coped out of” is triggering for her.

I genuinely don’t know what to do. I’ve sent her a really long audio trying to dispell some of the misconceptions she seems to have about me, but she hasn’t heard it because it keeps escaping her mind to go to our chat to listen to it :C
And now I don’t know how to talk about this to her because I feel she only sees me as a project she can improve by criticising all my idiosyncrasies and like all I’ll ever get is a lukewarm or downright aggressive response.

This is genuninely very disruptive because I do love her a lot and want us to become more like friends and less like related strangers, but I feel like we are simply much too different to communicate well. Some silence is expected, sure. But i feel like i never know what to talk to her about, how to talk to her.

Does anyone else have a similar experience with their siblings? How do you move past these barriers that are both connected to your autism and to unfortunate childhood trauma?

I would really like to get to a place where i feel comfortable in her presence and not so judged by her and I want to be closer to her, and I want her to feel comfortable with me
Any suggestions on how to engage in sucessful conversation with your sibling?

 

[Thinx]

Well one thing I would suggest for sure is that you sound like you are overthinking this, which is part of the territory for us for sure. Could be she does that too, also! I would try not to think about this so much, as I definitely pick up that you do have a viable relationship with your sister and that you are both interested in maintaining that. This is great, and it's enough.

We're never going to iron out everything with people we relate with, and our possible tendency to over think, and to get a bit intense, may not help us or the other person. Maybe focus on doing some nice things for your sister, that's all. She cares about you. It's good, it's enough.

 

[unpeaceofBea]

Well one thing I would suggest for sure is that you sound like you are overthinking this, which is part of the territory for us for sure. Could be she does that too, also! I would try not to think about this so much, as I definitely pick up that you do have a viable relationship with your sister and that you are both interested in maintaining that. This is great, and it's enough.

We're never going to iron out everything with people we relate with, and our possible tendency to over think, and to get a bit intense, may not help us or the other person. Maybe focus on doing some nice things for your sister, that's all. She cares about you. It's good, it's enough.

I fear maybe I have grown to put her in a pedestal, and I keep holding our relationship under a microscope to find any possible issues because i want us to get along as well as possible :C

I do agree that I overthink this, and I realise that the more importance i give it, the more anxiety I get and therefore the harder it is to have an actual conversation.

I think while there are some aspects that make us fundamentally different, we both care for each other a lot, and i do see that that is good and that that should be sufficient. But I see that conversations are such an important thing for her and her other relationships, and yet with me I feel like we rarely talk.

I think I’ll just have to try and reduce the importance these aspects have. Theres no single way of having a relationship and maybe not talking quantitatively much is something that happens for us specifically.

I’ll work on not overthinking it this much and with simply showing her that I do love her and that the desire to be closer is here!

 

[MadFit]

I have social anxiety and I get this, one way of coping for me is to think of some topics that are light hearted and fun to discuss ahead of spending social time.

Another strategy is to play social games. Some I make up. For example, in a group of friends I’ll ask everyone hypothetical questions and then rank them on the funniest/best answer. I don’t necessarily need to think of questions myself, I can just google “hypothetical questions”. This is a great way to strengthen bonds and I have established more common ground with friends this way, strengthening our friendship. This makes for good conversation.

I suggest trying out these strategies with your sister, just to provide structure even if it’s all in your head

 

[Wolfnox]

Got the same awkwardness with my aunt and her family. Related strangers pretty much describes it. We've made efforts. But, there's really nothing to connect us.
We endure a prolonged awkwardness for the moment they visit. Until they leave.
Feeling a bitter relief when they life. Uncomfortable best describes being around them.
We're not really acknowledged as being there with them in the same house.

 

[Owliet]

Like, I constantly feel as if I’m failing to communicate with her, I see her laughing and being carefree with her friends and it makes me feel sad that she isn’t the same with me. I try to create the circumstances to make both of us comfortable, and I try to engage in conversation so much, but there’s always so much awkwardess and stilted conversation.

It is possible that you are expecting too much out of the relationship with yourself and your sister, and by creating circumstance to make you both comfortable and engage in conversation that ends up being awkward, it is not necessarily something that occurs naturally and with not being awkward. however, please dont misunderstand that I am not sympathetic. I have a difficult relationship with my sister, and when i see her being friendly and kind to others but talk to me like I am an idiot, lies and uses me for my money I always seem to try to push for situations (like asking her if she wants to go into town for food) that I hope will make her see me as someone who is like her friends and not someone who she seems to hate. Unfortunately, that has not happened and with every time she repeats this behavior and uses me for my money or time if she’s feeling bored and no one else is available. I have come to terms that I will never again have a similar sibling bond with my sister as I did when we were kids.

she feels that I’m always masking with her and that no matter what she asks, I’ll just never be genuine and only tell her what i think she wants to hear, which is wholly untrue. She said some other thngs, like sometimes I behave in such a way that triggers bad childhood memories because she’s “learned to cope” with them and seeing “me doing the things she’s coped out of” is triggering for her.

It is possible that by setting situations up with her, that you are forcing something that is not authentic and might be awkward for her? I think with your sister saying that when you behave in such a way that triggers her memories and she copes…I am sorry but that is really unfair to use that against you as a form of an excuse. I think there‘s some unresolved problems here that makes her resent you, and I dont know if it would be worth you trying to talk with your sister about this and explain why and what happened as a kid and try to Show her that you’re trying to grow as a person.

I think, they tend to throw these things to try to say “look I at what I suffered through Is WHY I treat you like this” and they give some sense of legitimacy for their excuses. Then, at least in my sister’s case, will paint themselves to be someone like Mother Teresa and pretend that they really try and really understand but then treat those closest to them like they are the worst…

I genuinely don’t know what to do. I’ve sent her a really long audio trying to dispell some of the misconceptions she seems to have about me, but she hasn’t heard it because it keeps escaping her mind to go to our chat to listen to it :C
And now I don’t know how to talk about this to her because I feel she only sees me as a project she can improve by criticising all my idiosyncrasies and like all I’ll ever get is a lukewarm or downright aggressive response.

Give the option to her to decide how she wants to interact with you. If someone is happy to throw things at you because it “triggers” them, and doesnt seem to want to listen to what you want to say to make amends, I dont know …might not be a good idea to try to set yourself up for further hurt.

This is genuninely very disruptive because I do love her a lot and want us to become more like friends and less like related strangers, but I feel like we are simply much too different to communicate well. Some silence is expected, sure. But i feel like i never know what to talk to her about, how to talk to her.

Seems like you’re also getting mixed messages too. I think you need to keep the communication on a low and not really reach out too much — let her take the step if she wants.

I fear maybe I have grown to put her in a pedestal, and I keep holding our relationship under a microscope to find any possible issues because i want us to get along as well as possible :C

I have done this with my sister too. I always forgive everything she does to me because she’s my sister, and I love her but putting her on a pedestal prevented me from seeing her for what she exactly is and now, I dont want to be around her anymore.

You’re not going to be 100% along well with your sister. I‘m sorry that you are having this difficulty with your sibling.

 

[Richelle-H]

Welcome to the Forums. This is a very supportive and honest place. As some have mentioned it is something of an extended family where we are free to be our true selves. The last thing you mentioned in your post is where you need to start. Being comfortable with yourself is the basis for all honest communication, and that is a very hard thing to accomplish if you are still hiding things within you that you feel you cannot let out or resolve.

Everyone on this big blue ball in space have internal complexities and talents. For those of us on the spectrum life is always something of a challenge because the daily interface that we deal with brings things that are jarring or out of phase with the way we think and react in situations. This leads to stress and anxiety that can overwhelm us. It took me decades to let go of wanting to be seen as something I was not inside. I am still cleaning up some of the fallout from those years that are still floating around in my head. Wisps or memory!

Here is an off the wall thought: Have you ever recorded your voice in extended casual conversation with others and then played it back at a later time. It could give you insight into how you are presenting to others that you might not be aware of. The thoughts in one's head may not be properly expressed when speaking them. I know I found it revelatory when I did it, and that was long before I ever knew I was autistic, for I never felt anything was wrong with me and I still do not.

I was never that close with my sister when she was still living, and after her death I came to realize that she was on the spectrum to some degree as well. I think all my siblings were to one extent or another. I think of my sister and my mother more now than when they were alive.

Please excuse the ramble, it is 6 AM and I have been up now for 18 hours and my thoughts tend to wander. Accept yourself for who you are, then seek understanding of how your internalized reality is expressed to others. Being yourself is hard, but it is worth the effort to find enough peace within to share who you really are with everyone.

 

[Aspychata]

I fear maybe I have grown to put her in a pedestal, and I keep holding our relationship under a microscope to find any possible issues because i want us to get along as well as possible :C

I do agree that I overthink this, and I realise that the more importance i give it, the more anxiety I get and therefore the harder it is to have an actual conversation.

I think while there are some aspects that make us fundamentally different, we both care for each other a lot, and i do see that that is good and that that should be sufficient. But I see that conversations are such an important thing for her and her other relationships, and yet with me I feel like we rarely talk.

I think I’ll just have to try and reduce the importance these aspects have. Theres no single way of having a relationship and maybe not talking quantitatively much is something that happens for us specifically.

I’ll work on not overthinking it this much and with simply showing her that I do love her and that the desire to be closer is here!

This is just kinda off the wall. Maybe tell her perhaps you and l may not have huge conversations or even talk alot, l just wish you to know that you mean a lot to me, and l am happy we get along. This puts your fears of limits of conversations out there, you address it, and affirm that you do care for her. It's possible to show affection yet not have endless streams of word dumps, it's not a requirement. I hope this comes across as nice, and you best know how to resolve this distance you think may exist between you and her. As we age, our relationships change and evolve, and that's okay too.

I actually have learned this lesson myself.

 

[unpeaceofBea]

Got the same awkwardness with my aunt and her family. Related strangers pretty much describes it. We've made efforts. But, there's really nothing to connect us.
We endure a prolonged awkwardness for the moment they visit. Until they leave.
Feeling a bitter relief when they life. Uncomfortable best describes being around them.
We're not really acknowledged as being there with them in the same house.

That sounds like a really rough time! I’m sad to hear it is that way despite your best efforts! I hope, if you cannot kindle a connection, at least the interactions you have with them are as painless as possible!

 

[MadFit]

As we age, our relationships change and evolve

Yeah, friends are the family you choose.
I have many friends who are closer to their friends than their siblings, and that’s fine. Focus on what makes you happy, not on what others think. You shouldn’t feel guilty for not feeling close to someone, it’s up to you whether or not to.

 

[unpeaceofBea]

This is just kinda off the wall. Maybe tell her perhaps you and l may not have huge conversations or even talk alot, l just wish you to know that you mean a lot to me, and l am happy we get along. This puts your fears of limits of conversations out there, you address it, and affirm that you do care for her. It's possible to show affection yet not have endless streams of word dumps, it's not a requirement. I hope this comes across as nice, and you best know how to resolve this distance you think may exist between you and her. As we age, our relationships change and evolve, and that's okay too.

I actually have learned this lesson my

This is just kinda off the wall. Maybe tell her perhaps you and l may not have huge conversations or even talk alot, l just wish you to know that you mean a lot to me, and l am happy we get along. This puts your fears of limits of conversations out there, you address it, and affirm that you do care for her. It's possible to show affection yet not have endless streams of word dumps, it's not a requirement. I hope this comes across as nice, and you best know how to resolve this distance you think may exist between you and her. As we age, our relationships change and evolve, and that's okay too.

I actually have learned this lesson myself.

Thank you for your answer! It does put me at ease to read your words! Acceptance is key ^-^

 

[unpeaceofBea]

Welcome to the Forums. This is a very supportive and honest place. As some have mentioned it is something of an extended family where we are free to be our true selves. The last thing you mentioned in your post is where you need to start. Being comfortable with yourself is the basis for all honest communication, and that is a very hard thing to accomplish if you are still hiding things within you that you feel you cannot let out or resolve.

Everyone on this big blue ball in space have internal complexities and talents. For those of us on the spectrum life is always something of a challenge because the daily interface that we deal with brings things that are jarring or out of phase with the way we think and react in situations. This leads to stress and anxiety that can overwhelm us. It took me decades to let go of wanting to be seen as something I was not inside. I am still cleaning up some of the fallout from those years that are still floating around in my head. Wisps or memory!

Here is an off the wall thought: Have you ever recorded your voice in extended casual conversation with others and then played it back at a later time. It could give you insight into how you are presenting to others that you might not be aware of. The thoughts in one's head may not be properly expressed when speaking them. I know I found it revelatory when I did it, and that was long before I ever knew I was autistic, for I never felt anything was wrong with me and I still do not.

I was never that close with my sister when she was still living, and after her death I came to realize that she was on the spectrum to some degree as well. I think all my siblings were to one extent or another. I think of my sister and my mother more now than when they were alive.

Please excuse the ramble, it is 6 AM and I have been up now for 18 hours and my thoughts tend to wander. Accept yourself for who you are, then seek understanding of how your internalized reality is expressed to others. Being yourself is hard, but it is worth the effort to find enough peace within to share who you really are with everyone.

Thank you so much for your answer! Everything you said does make a lot of sense! I’m inevitably wanting my sister and I to be different people than what we are if I’m this frustrated with our apparent lack of communication.
In truth, I don’t have extensive conversations with barely anyone, and I only naturally unmask around my best friends because honesty and genuineness have been the basis of our friendship. I simply have to accept that it’s not as easy to be carefree and easygoing with my sister due to our history, but that we are moving in the right direction! And we don’t have to engage in constant conversation to really communicate. I’m here for her and she’s here for me and that’s what matters after all!

Thank you for sharing some of your story here, it was very precious perspective! Wishing you all the best! HAppy new year ^-^

 

[unpeaceofBea]

It is possible that you are expecting too much out of the relationship with yourself and your sister, and by creating circumstance to make you both comfortable and engage in conversation that ends up being awkward, it is not necessarily something that occurs naturally and with not being awkward. however, please dont misunderstand that I am not sympathetic. I have a difficult relationship with my sister, and when i see her being friendly and kind to others but talk to me like I am an idiot, lies and uses me for my money I always seem to try to push for situations (like asking her if she wants to go into town for food) that I hope will make her see me as someone who is like her friends and not someone who she seems to hate. Unfortunately, that has not happened and with every time she repeats this behavior and uses me for my money or time if she’s feeling bored and no one else is available. I have come to terms that I will never again have a similar sibling bond with my sister as I did when we were kids.

It is possible that by setting situations up with her, that you are forcing something that is not authentic and might be awkward for her? I think with your sister saying that when you behave in such a way that triggers her memories and she copes…I am sorry but that is really unfair to use that against you as a form of an excuse. I think there‘s some unresolved problems here that makes her resent you, and I dont know if it would be worth you trying to talk with your sister about this and explain why and what happened as a kid and try to Show her that you’re trying to grow as a person.

I think, they tend to throw these things to try to say “look I at what I suffered through Is WHY I treat you like this” and they give some sense of legitimacy for their excuses. Then, at least in my sister’s case, will paint themselves to be someone like Mother Teresa and pretend that they really try and really understand but then treat those closest to them like they are the worst…

Give the option to her to decide how she wants to interact with you. If someone is happy to throw things at you because it “triggers” them, and doesnt seem to want to listen to what you want to say to make amends, I dont know …might not be a good idea to try to set yourself up for further hurt.

Seems like you’re also getting mixed messages too. I think you need to keep the communication on a low and not really reach out too much — let her take the step if she wants.

I have done this with my sister too. I always forgive everything she does to me because she’s my sister, and I love her but putting her on a pedestal prevented me from seeing her for what she exactly is and now, I dont want to be around her anymore.

You’re not going to be 100% along well with your sister. I‘m sorry that you are having this difficulty with your sibling.

Thank you so much for your time and efforrt with this answer! I feel that you really touched on the aspects that afflict me the most! Just writing this post out, reading and responding to other people’s messages has left me feeling a bit better about this issue, and like I’ve gained some persepective that i needed.
I’m sorry to hear you have such a turbulent relatoinship with your sister. I hope you may still reach the sort of bond you had when you were kids now in your adult life. It sucks to hear that she takes such advantage of you and doens’t treat you as someone worthy of respect and care! I hope that will change!!

Again, thank you so much for your words, and I do agree with what you said. Forcing situations and opportunities will simply never be very genuine, and for example just today, by keeping it simple and spontaneous, my sister and I had some good moments together, so I do realise how important it is to just give space and let things happen naturally, without having so many expectations. I am me, and her friends are her friends and it’s okay that we have a different sort of relationship!

Wishing you all the best!! ^^