Difficulty with friendships

[Jet Weiss]

I just want to preface this by saying this site is a great help to me and I really enjoy it here, and I do care quite a bit about all of you. I don't mean to sound like I'm writing off the people on this site when I talk about this issue. This is a daily-life issue, not primarily an online-based one.

I have never had a true friendship in real life. I have made many attempts at having friends but I was always hurt in the end and left feeling as though I had been played for a fool. My "friends" turned on me and ended up being bullies in the end. Some chose to simply discard me with no further contact and I was often abruptly removed from the friend group without being informed of what I had done to deserve such harsh treatment.

Being an introvert and an Aspie, I have never felt the need to be popular or surrounded by friends, though I have always wanted to have a small group of people I could relate to and talk with. I have never been able to achieve this goal.
It is difficult for me to "let people in" and get close to them as is, because I have trust issues from past experiences with bullying and with my abusive extended family. However, when I do find myself getting close to someone or really taking a liking to someone, I am immediately shot down and the person does not want to be friends or keep the friendship going.

At one point I gave up on trying to make friends in school or in the community and tried making connections online. I joined several social anxiety and mental health forums, as well as Instagram, Tumblr, and DeviantArt, as a last resort and in an act of desperation.
I have already discussed the issues I ran into on other forums and don't want to beat a dead horse with that topic in yet another thread. In short, all I will say is that it was a disaster and I was not well-liked.
As far as social media goes, at first it went well, I was able to make connections easily because people were a fan of my "aesthetic," as they put it- I think it was the whole pastel goth/femme gay male/dyed hair and piercings thing.
However, once I started talking to those people one-on-one, they were repelled and pushed away. They eventually stopped replying to my DMs and dropped me altogether. I was never told why.
I have since deactivated all forms of social media- I was never that into social media anyway, I only used it as a last ditch effort at making friends.

Before my dad died, I asked for his advice, experiences and input as a fellow person-on-the-spectrum. My dad had a very rough time with his friends. He was used, abused, and bullied and my mum and I have speculated about whether his friends may have reinforced or even coerced his suicidal behaviour.
My dad told me that he thought that perhaps Americans think I am too liberal, too pro-gay and pro-acceptance of all, and that may have been contributing to the friendship issue. He said that he kept his sexuality and any left-wing opinions to himself and did not flaunt it like I do and that apparently made people hate him less. He always said "Move to Amsterdam if you want to be liberal."
Another thing he said that I have gone over in my head quite a bit and obsessed about was "People don't like you because you have too much baggage," in reference to my mental health issues.
A point I would like to make on this subject is that I previously lived in a country that was very forward-thinking on the topic of mental health and had a far better mental health care system than the United States.
I think in a way he was right, that when I open up to people and confide in them about my issues, they don't stick around.

So, in conclusion, what I would like to say is that I am very saddened by my inability to make friends and maintain friendships, and I would like and encourage other Aspies and Auties to share their advice and experiences.

 

[Streetwise]

am i right in thinking you live in NH
if so there is a rec group for hfa adults on the 1st and 3rd thursdays each month in keene
address :121 railroad st (2nd floor)
or in the community email [email protected]
tel(603)852-8168

I just want to preface this by saying this site is a great help to me and I really enjoy it here, and I do care quite a bit about all of you. I don't mean to sound like I'm writing off the people on this site when I talk about this issue. This is a daily-life issue, not primarily an online-based one.

I have never had a true friendship in real life. I have made many attempts at having friends but I was always hurt in the end and left feeling as though I had been played for a fool. My "friends" turned on me and ended up being bullies in the end. Some chose to simply discard me with no further contact and I was often abruptly removed from the friend group without being informed of what I had done to deserve such harsh treatment.

Being an introvert and an Aspie, I have never felt the need to be popular or surrounded by friends, though I have always wanted to have a small group of people I could relate to and talk with. I have never been able to achieve this goal.
It is difficult for me to "let people in" and get close to them as is, because I have trust issues from past experiences with bullying and with my abusive extended family. However, when I do find myself getting close to someone or really taking a liking to someone, I am immediately shot down and the person does not want to be friends or keep the friendship going.

At one point I gave up on trying to make friends in school or in the community and tried making connections online. I joined several social anxiety and mental health forums, as well as Instagram, Tumblr, and DeviantArt, as a last resort and in an act of desperation.
I have already discussed the issues I ran into on other forums and don't want to beat a dead horse with that topic in yet another thread. In short, all I will say is that it was a disaster and I was not well-liked.
As far as social media goes, at first it went well, I was able to make connections easily because people were a fan of my "aesthetic," as they put it- I think it was the whole pastel goth/femme gay male/dyed hair and piercings thing.
However, once I started talking to those people one-on-one, they were repelled and pushed away. They eventually stopped replying to my DMs and dropped me altogether. I was never told why.
I have since deactivated all forms of social media- I was never that into social media anyway, I only used it as a last ditch effort at making friends.

Before my dad died, I asked for his advice, experiences and input as a fellow person-on-the-spectrum. My dad had a very rough time with his friends. He was used, abused, and bullied and my mum and I have speculated about whether his friends may have reinforced or even coerced his suicidal behaviour.
My dad told me that he thought that perhaps Americans think I am too liberal, too pro-gay and pro-acceptance of all, and that may have been contributing to the friendship issue. He said that he kept his sexuality and any left-wing opinions to himself and did not flaunt it like I do and that apparently made people hate him less. He always said "Move to Amsterdam if you want to be liberal."
Another thing he said that I have gone over in my head quite a bit and obsessed about was "People don't like you because you have too much baggage," in reference to my mental health issues.
A point I would like to make on this subject is that I previously lived in a country that was very forward-thinking on the topic of mental health and had a far better mental health care system than the United States.
I think in a way he was right, that when I open up to people and confide in them about my issues, they don't stick around.

So, in conclusion, what I would like to say is that I am very saddened by my inability to make friends and maintain friendships, and I would like and encourage other Aspies and Auties to share their advice and experiences.

 

[Streetwise]

there were other groups done
my back fell backwards this morning so its painful researching and typing
its not!!!! an autism speaks group.

 

[Jet Weiss]

am i right in thinking you live in NH
if so there is a rec group for hfa adults on the 1st and 3rd thursdays each month in keene
address :121 railroad st (2nd floor)
or in the community email [email protected]
tel(603)852-8168

Thank you Streetwise
You are correct, I live in NH.
I am sorry to hear you're having issues with your back, get some rest and I hope you feel better!

 

[xudo]

I have never had a true friendship in real life. I have made many attempts at having friends but I was always hurt in the end and left feeling as though I had been played for a fool. My "friends" turned on me and ended up being bullies in the end. Some chose to simply discard me with no further contact and I was often abruptly removed from the friend group without being informed of what I had done to deserve such harsh treatment.

I could have written this. This was basically my experience throughout high school, barring the two actual friends I made. My honest advice would be, find the weirdos. I don't have many friends, but they're all weirdos. Every one of them has some kind of 'issue', whether it be my best friend who's HFA, the friend who's trans and has depression, or the friend who's battled with eating disorders her whole life. I don't mean weirdos in a disparaging way, I just mean look for the people who are also likely to be ignored by others and also those who are more alternative. I've found that some of the most welcoming people are those who are regarded as alternative and 'not normal' by most people.

 

[Momo]

Isn't making friends just lovely? I think many of us here have had similar experiences. I myself don't have a friend I trust deeply, and one I would even think about dropping the aspie truth-bomb to. Honestly, I usually find it easier to tell strangers, because then I don't have to worry about them leaving me... It's kind of sad really, but, as is life.

 

[GoofKing]

I hate it when so called friends all gain up on you and start picking on you just because someone else had started to. I moved around a lot in my youth and went to many different schools but I never stayed for long and I never really bonded with people long enough to be considered friends :/

 

[Ambi]

I was able to make connections easily because people were a fan of my "aesthetic," as they put it- I think it was the whole pastel goth/femme gay male/dyed hair and piercings thing.
However, once I started talking to those people one-on-one, they were repelled and pushed away.

I think you're very smart to recognize this - people really are this shallow! I don't now if this is the case with you - but I am wondering if what originally attracted them to you on the outside didn't always match up with the true inner you that came out in your communications. NT people don't like people who don't fit into preconceived boxes, I think - it makes them uncomfortable if the person seems "unpredictable", i.e. truly unique.

 

[1111Alice7447]

I really relate to your post. Personally, ive decided to walk alone for a while - from friends, lovers, even therapists, because the people I tend to attract into my life are narcissists, bullies, theres a really unhealthy dynamic etc.. It can seem good in the begining, but always devolves, and its not worth the anguish. I am a deeply sensitive and caring person, but I can have pretty poor boundaries, and people take advantage. Its something im working on, accepting myself, and my values - and making no compromises on these when around others.

I too have some 'baggage' - I come from a dysfunctional home (alcoholism, mental health issues etc..), and I havnt entirely, genuinely made peace with it all - or found adequate resolution. Im also what you would call the 'black sheep' of the family - often dysfunctional families choose an 'omega' (the bottom of the pack) as one to bully, and belittle, and make out as 'bad' even when thats so far from who the person is, in order to make themselves feel better and more united. Its a disturbing phenomenon, and is a legitimate, subconscious toxic pattern. My mum was the black sheep of her generation. Funnily enough its usually someone threatening to comfortable norms they prefer - someone who challenges their worldview, and is compassionate/empathetic, but also feels needing of approval (can be manipulated) - its like a tall poppy syndrome. So its not uncommon for it to be the gay family member, an artist, someone with high values/ideals, big dreams etc.. This phenomenon has been part of psychology for decades - Im pretty sure Jung wrote about it.

Richard Grannon (?) has some great youtube videos, even if they are lengthy.

This isnt much of a solution, but I feel a lot of compassion for you. I would also say, dont take it personally, its not about you. Learn as much as you can so you can be aware of your own psyche's weak spots where people may take advantage, be kind to yourself and consider whether its worth your time engaging with people who dont truly value you. Remember who you really are (I bring to mind core memories that I feel remind me of who I really am when someone is projecting bullcrap onto me) and whats important to you.

Hope it helps in some way

I just want to preface this by saying this site is a great help to me and I really enjoy it here, and I do care quite a bit about all of you. I don't mean to sound like I'm writing off the people on this site when I talk about this issue. This is a daily-life issue, not primarily an online-based one.

I have never had a true friendship in real life. I have made many attempts at having friends but I was always hurt in the end and left feeling as though I had been played for a fool. My "friends" turned on me and ended up being bullies in the end. Some chose to simply discard me with no further contact and I was often abruptly removed from the friend group without being informed of what I had done to deserve such harsh treatment.

Being an introvert and an Aspie, I have never felt the need to be popular or surrounded by friends, though I have always wanted to have a small group of people I could relate to and talk with. I have never been able to achieve this goal.
It is difficult for me to "let people in" and get close to them as is, because I have trust issues from past experiences with bullying and with my abusive extended family. However, when I do find myself getting close to someone or really taking a liking to someone, I am immediately shot down and the person does not want to be friends or keep the friendship going.

At one point I gave up on trying to make friends in school or in the community and tried making connections online. I joined several social anxiety and mental health forums, as well as Instagram, Tumblr, and DeviantArt, as a last resort and in an act of desperation.
I have already discussed the issues I ran into on other forums and don't want to beat a dead horse with that topic in yet another thread. In short, all I will say is that it was a disaster and I was not well-liked.
As far as social media goes, at first it went well, I was able to make connections easily because people were a fan of my "aesthetic," as they put it- I think it was the whole pastel goth/femme gay male/dyed hair and piercings thing.
However, once I started talking to those people one-on-one, they were repelled and pushed away. They eventually stopped replying to my DMs and dropped me altogether. I was never told why.
I have since deactivated all forms of social media- I was never that into social media anyway, I only used it as a last ditch effort at making friends.

Before my dad died, I asked for his advice, experiences and input as a fellow person-on-the-spectrum. My dad had a very rough time with his friends. He was used, abused, and bullied and my mum and I have speculated about whether his friends may have reinforced or even coerced his suicidal behaviour.
My dad told me that he thought that perhaps Americans think I am too liberal, too pro-gay and pro-acceptance of all, and that may have been contributing to the friendship issue. He said that he kept his sexuality and any left-wing opinions to himself and did not flaunt it like I do and that apparently made people hate him less. He always said "Move to Amsterdam if you want to be liberal."
Another thing he said that I have gone over in my head quite a bit and obsessed about was "People don't like you because you have too much baggage," in reference to my mental health issues.
A point I would like to make on this subject is that I previously lived in a country that was very forward-thinking on the topic of mental health and had a far better mental health care system than the United States.
I think in a way he was right, that when I open up to people and confide in them about my issues, they don't stick around.

So, in conclusion, what I would like to say is that I am very saddened by my inability to make friends and maintain friendships, and I would like and encourage other Aspies and Auties to share their advice and experiences.

 

[Thursday]

You know, I was just thinking about something similar yesterday. One of my childhood friends and I had a passive-agressive conversation...while I knew that she was simply sourgraping about her own wedding woes, it stung that she was criticizing "frivolous" church weddings. Where we live, it is not. My husband and I can attest to that as we had a very tight budget.

I simply said "well, it's not for everyone. We all have our preferences so what's important is that we're content", knowing I was kind of poking the bear.

I wish she was just honest with her feelings intead of trying to put someone down when she's having a hard time as she was not like this before. It's hard to be in a friendship with an NT because sometimes it feels like a betrayal to my own beliefs.

So, in conclusion, what I would like to say is that I am very saddened by my inability to make friends and maintain friendships, and I would like and encourage other Aspies and Auties to share their advice and experiences.

For me, I just changed my expectations. I don't expect them to get me, so I keep quiet about non-mutual interests and let them set the pace when it comes to what they want to know about me. I kind of have this "point system" (there are no actual scores, I just don't know how to explain it) where I weigh the energy it takes for me to keep up with them and the goodness (as in is he/she a good person who's also trying their best?) I perceive when we interact.

Like, the reason I'm staying in touch with my childhood friends is that I know if I called them out on it, they'd finally express their true feelings so I try to be patient with them otherwise.

With the rest of the world, if they even know how to sincerely say thank you, they're all right in my book.

 

[Larisa]

I can't give any advices but I wish to share the results of my observations:
- most people feel themselves safe only if they can 'pinpoint' you to one of the social labels as soon as possible.
These people are afraid of my personality - they can only deal with me by putting me into one of very few 'boxes'.
It took me very long time to realize that I do not do anything 'wrong' - these people would not accept my sincere efforts to overcome misunderstanding - and would have fun time on my expense all the way.
There's nothing about my real behaviour - they simply take too little facts into consideration to state 'my type'.
They also 'can not be wrong - EVER'.
- I could lead some interesting discussions with people one-to-one but they change their opinion if there's the third person present (or more).
I noticed that people are afraid of each other - and deny their real thoughts in front of others (for the fear of being 'black-mailed', threatened for disagreeing with the boss of the group or get laughed at).
- the most productive discussions I had with people were about our common interests.
There is one thing about real acceptance of oneself: is to give it to oneself - and never to expect it from the others.
It's not a 'well-meant advise' - it's sheer logic I came to: I can not accept the other human being absolutely.
I'm sorry - but I really can't.
And it's why I came to agreement with nobody can totally accept me.
It's my burden - to doubt myself, to question myself, to be terrified of myself and sometimes to feel disgusted with myself - because I am an individ, an unique personality by default (just like everybody else is).
I went to the psychologist to get support on recognising myself and to learn how to support myself, how to understand WHEN I need support from other people - and how to ask my psychologist for help and support.
I agree: I was really lucky to find a really professional psychologist with her great personal experience and compassion (she had worked with 'problem' teenagers also).
But as I want sometimes for a person who would accept me unconditionally - I realize it's not possible in real life. And I satisfy myself with thinking about the fiction heroes who, according to the results of my analize, might have accepted me and understood me the way I wish for.

I may be wrong - but I came to opinion that real understanding between the real persons can only be brief. It happens by moments, not the whole way.
Most of time I realise that other people do not really hear me - as long as I rant in the topics they got used to hear from me. And I hear them out a lot - even if I don't understand the picture, I let them formulate their thoughts and sensations into the words and I try to collect them into the picture in my mind - they try to describe.
Everyone is so lonely inside - we use the same words but we are so often use different meanings and - thus - speak in fact in different languages.
I think it's why 'normal social topics' are about the wheather, football, other games with strict rules, socially recognised people - about everything that has ONE definite social and logical meaning. Try to talk of individual meanings - and people became scared of fighting among them, shunning the person who said 'questionable=dangerous thing'.
I can't help myself but love to observe and analize other people in order to understand myself. In order to ACCEPT myself.
I realized only by that long way - that nobody living is perfect and totally flawless. So I don't have to try be the one.
In my group trainings (with the psychologist and her other clients) I partake in discussions about the H.C.Andersen's fairy tale 'The ugly duckling'.
I'm not totally sure but my opinion so far - there are no grown-up 'swans' knowing they are the swans: everybody around of me is a terrified and hurt 'ugly duckling' inside trying to pass by hard acting for 'a proper goose', 'a noble duck' and so on.
But I see them as the swans - I see nothing drastically different in them from myself or from each other - WE ARE ALL 'THE SWANS'.
I may be wrong though, but that's how I think for now

 

[Grandmother B]

I just want to preface this by saying this site is a great help to me and I really enjoy it here, and I do care quite a bit about all of you. I don't mean to sound like I'm writing off the people on this site when I talk about this issue. This is a daily-life issue, not primarily an online-based one.

I have never had a true friendship in real life. I have made many attempts at having friends but I was always hurt in the end and left feeling as though I had been played for a fool. My "friends" turned on me and ended up being bullies in the end. Some chose to simply discard me with no further contact and I was often abruptly removed from the friend group without being informed of what I had done to deserve such harsh treatment.

Being an introvert and an Aspie, I have never felt the need to be popular or surrounded by friends, though I have always wanted to have a small group of people I could relate to and talk with. I have never been able to achieve this goal.
It is difficult for me to "let people in" and get close to them as is, because I have trust issues from past experiences with bullying and with my abusive extended family. However, when I do find myself getting close to someone or really taking a liking to someone, I am immediately shot down and the person does not want to be friends or keep the friendship going.

At one point I gave up on trying to make friends in school or in the community and tried making connections online. I joined several social anxiety and mental health forums, as well as Instagram, Tumblr, and DeviantArt, as a last resort and in an act of desperation.
I have already discussed the issues I ran into on other forums and don't want to beat a dead horse with that topic in yet another thread. In short, all I will say is that it was a disaster and I was not well-liked.
As far as social media goes, at first it went well, I was able to make connections easily because people were a fan of my "aesthetic," as they put it- I think it was the whole pastel goth/femme gay male/dyed hair and piercings thing.
However, once I started talking to those people one-on-one, they were repelled and pushed away. They eventually stopped replying to my DMs and dropped me altogether. I was never told why.
I have since deactivated all forms of social media- I was never that into social media anyway, I only used it as a last ditch effort at making friends.

Before my dad died, I asked for his advice, experiences and input as a fellow person-on-the-spectrum. My dad had a very rough time with his friends. He was used, abused, and bullied and my mum and I have speculated about whether his friends may have reinforced or even coerced his suicidal behaviour.
My dad told me that he thought that perhaps Americans think I am too liberal, too pro-gay and pro-acceptance of all, and that may have been contributing to the friendship issue. He said that he kept his sexuality and any left-wing opinions to himself and did not flaunt it like I do and that apparently made people hate him less. He always said "Move to Amsterdam if you want to be liberal."
Another thing he said that I have gone over in my head quite a bit and obsessed about was "People don't like you because you have too much baggage," in reference to my mental health issues.
A point I would like to make on this subject is that I previously lived in a country that was very forward-thinking on the topic of mental health and had a far better mental health care system than the United States.
I think in a way he was right, that when I open up to people and confide in them about my issues, they don't stick around.

So, in conclusion, what I would like to say is that I am very saddened by my inability to make friends and maintain friendships, and I would like and encourage other Aspies and Auties to share their advice and experiences.

I am so sorry you have experienced this. I am NT but have a grandson who has Asperger's. My heart goes out to you. I do hope you won't quit trying to make friends. There are plenty of nice people out there who, if they know what your issues are, it might help them to if not understand, at least, accept you. The others are not worth knowing anyway. Good luck and God bless you!

 

[Nicci]

I relate to this a lot. I have also been used and then discarded. I don't wanna be "popular" and have a super busy social life full of people. But I do wish to have a small group of close friends. I really really wish I had close friends to talk to and hang out with, but I find making friends to be among the most complicated challenges in my life. I find this difficult mainly because of to things.
One is that I often feel like nobody understands me. When I try to explain my thoughts and experiences to others, they never seem to understand. (I don't know if this is just me having too high expectations, wanting to be understood, or if my way of communicating is just so different that most misunderstand me. But I find this feeling very difficult to handle. I get very frustrated and lonely.)
The other thing is that I'm very bad at all the things you have to do to create and maintain relationships. I'm just so bad at it. I don't understand it and I can't figure out how to do it, and most of the time I simply forget to take those things into consideration. There's one person in my life right now (we see each other somewhat frequently in group settings) who I really want to get to know. We have a lot in common and get along well when we do manage to have a conversation, but we're both extremely awkward so it's difficult. However, I have absolutely no idea what to do or say to somehow get from "group setting friends" to what I'd consider actual friends. Or how to read whether they'd be interested in getting to know me, or maybe they can't actually stand me. I just have no clue and it's very frustrating. Even online friendships I'm bad at. There seems to be a bunch of rules and it's all so complicated.

Anyways, I kinda wrote myself away from the point I think I had when I started writing and now I don't know what I meant to say. But I agree with the "find the weirdos" sentiment. I generally tend to get along better with people who have a lot of baggage. Maybe because they mind my baggage less, I don't know.

 

[Idahocalypse]

It saddens me greatly to hear what you have been through in regards to trying to make friends. I'm also sorry that your dad has passed away. Virtual hugs from me.

For the first ten or so years after I dropped out of school, I was perfectly content to be by myself and adamantly denied feeling lonely. But over the years I have grown to feel lonely for real. That's why I go from forum to forum, this one being one of probably dozens. I think my pitfall is that I often try to fit in on forums run by non-autistic people on the basis that they have discussions on topics that I find inherently interesting.

My desire to talk about topics like "fictional character crushes" and "imaginary friends" with other adults has lead me to lurk on a couple of cult-like groups on Reddit. I lurked on their subreddits for years, and I think they managed to brainwash me to some extent because sometimes I still find myself occasionally "missing" them or wanting to "prove" myself "worthy" of joining them someday. Due to the fact that I did extensive lurking, I felt like I knew the other members personally.

On second thought, maybe "stalking" is a better word for what I was doing? Because when I fortuitously stumbled across one of the former members on a different website, I reached out to them but I think I scared them because I told them I had been "following" their posts on the subreddit even though I was only a lurker.

 

[Sabrina]

Hi Jet, I understand your friendship anxiety and I relate to it.
You know the story of the guy that was desperately looking for butterflies, and got so frutrated and tired that he just decided to lay down on the grass? Well, since he was not moving, a butterfly felt confident and approached him, standing on his nose.
Stop looking for friends. Relax, take your time, think about you and whatever you like or the things that you want to do. Maybe you will attract a friend or two, or more, or maybe not. But you are going to be in control of your mental state. And the truth is, that's all you can do, because what other people do, if they are good friends or not, it's something that's out of your reach. But you can have control over the way you take decisions and live your life. Stop looking actively for friends, relax and pay attention to the ones that approach you.

 

[ezcare]

I think in a way he was right, that when I open up to people and confide in them about my issues, they don't stick around.

Most Aspies I know are Systems Thinkers. They tend to be very analytical and precise when describing their issues and/or feelings. While this may seem like a good trait, fact is it scares most NTs to the bone. I don't know why this is so but suspect that the less they understand their own problems and emotions, the easier it is for them to go into denial mode. Recommend the next time you confide in an NT friend you try giving them the "Readers Digest" version: Short, feelings neutral, and add a grain of optimism. Then just clam up and let them do the talking. Don't interrupt even when you disagree with what they are saying. Just listen. When they finish, take what you want and leave the rest without comment. You may be pleasantly surprised at the result...

 

[Lookinator]

Hi, thank you for sharing your experience. My parents go to church and i don't but a few times a week i help on building a church, i don't talk a lot but help so it unites me with the group. Even i'm an atheist i find christians are friendly so i'm kind of friends with them, it doesn't put any obligations on me and on them either. As well, i'm actively use dating applications for gay men, etc. So during a day i get an opportunity to talk to people. Honestly, not often i get long time correspondence between me and other person, sometimes it ends quickly, sometimes i become a part of some kind of long healthy conversation, so it's inspiring. I hope to find a person that i could care about for a life time, or at least some period of time ( i guess it's impossible) but to find a few friends is possible, i look for them among weird or strange people, because mostly they are kind, patient and understanding, so it gives a chance for success in this relationships.