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Dilemma, please help

M

Misty Avich

Hellooooooooooo!!!
V.I.P Member
I don't often speak in direct language but I wish I could. It takes guts for me to speak in direct language. Right now I want to text my husband's daughter and tell her that I rather we all didn't meet tomorrow, as I heard her partner has had a stomach flu this week and I prefer to avoid that at all costs. But I know it might make me look dramatic or something, especially if she's not the sort to be scared by vomiting like I am.

I always feel like people get offended if I treat them like a leper, and I feel guilty about it too. But it's nothing personal. I wish I did have the guts to text her and say "please don't see us tomorrow, you could be a potential carrier of the dreaded winter vomiting lurgy", but I just can't. I'm trying to think of a way to text it without offending or sounding dramatic or anything.

Can someone help me think of a kind or even casual way to tell her that we best not meet tomorrow? I can't really tell a lie like saying we're going out somewhere, because it was arranged by my husband, and he wants to see her. I rather just say the truth but I'm not sure how to.
 
Are you able to tell your husband this and have him text her? Seems like he would be the better choice anyway since it's his daughter and he was the one who arranged the meeting.
 
I don't think he knows how bad my phobia is. We've never really talked about it before, though I have hinted, but I don't think he knows how bad a phobia of vomiting can be, which is understandable. We've never really had to talk much about it, because neither of us vomit much (he's never vomited in all the 9 and a half years I have been with him). But despite that, there's always a first time, depending on how catching this bug is.

But I feel guilty treating his daughter like a leper, and he might think I'm being dramatic. I'm trying to tell him to treat it like covid. But he says that I don't have to come, but that won't make a difference, because if he catches it then I'll get it.

Ever since the Christmas 6 years ago when I did EVERYTHING I could to avoid a norovirus that was going around at work, I still caught it and gave it to my whole family, even though I was very hygienic and didn't get too close to anyone in my household. That's how easy that vicious bug can be passed on, probably through just eye contact.
 
In such cases, my message sent will be in the form of a question instead...like this:

"I understand that ______ is feeling under the weather. If you want, we can reschedule? It's fine, no problem. I don't want ______ to possibly be struggling through being out and about if ______ doesn't absolutely have to."

That kind of thing. You make it known you are aware, you sound sympathetic and you don't take the decision away from them.
 
In the post-pandemic era (if it really is that) I believe it gives you an ethical right to ask one if they have been exposed to a possible contagion, and that if so you have opted to pass on this particular social engagement.

And to be happy to reschedule when they are feeling better (and no longer potentially contagious).

Don't fret over how you word it, so much as understand that you are in the right to decline such an invitation.
 
Just told my neighbor l was afraid to come over because she didn't know if she had strep. It felt icky, but then l am glad l kept my boundary.
 
@Judge , yes, l am a mini success story at this site. :)
Hey @Misty Avich , just get strong and say (you are sick and can't come, you lost your contacts, you lost your car keys, you lost house keys, you can't find your shoes, the hope diamond is missing.......)
 
Protecting your health is the perfect time to find the bravery for truth and honesty. Misty, what you said in your original post sounds perfect - I know that so-and-so has been sick and I just really prefer not to be around them until they are totally in the clear.

Think of how angry you will be if you end up spending time together and then get sick yourself. Think of how much you will worry while spending time together. Be brave, be bold. You have a right to your feelings and not wanting to be around someone who is sick.

If they make you feel like you’re being dramatic, come onto the forum and vent about it and find understanding.
 
It's difficult because my husband wants to see her this weekend, so I have to get him to lie to her. If I tell her we're sick or something, she'll probably phone my husband and then he'll say "no, we're not sick", unless I tell him to tell her we are, which he might not agree to.
It's just I have trauma from the last stomach flu I had (see my emetophobia thread for more details about that), and I don't want that to happen again. Yes I know I can pick up viruses like that from anywhere but usually with me it's always interaction with other people with a virus that causes me to catch it. Stomach flu is easy to avoid catching if you don't directly interact with any potential carriers for a certain period of time, but can easily be passed on if you do interact with potential carriers, like meeting up with them or going to their house or inviting them to your house.
 
Then go disconnect the car battery, lol. Or tell him you want a beautiful set of new pillows for you to recuperate if you get sick.:) I thought we should burn those pillows anyways.
 
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Misty, this problem seems pretty simple to me. Nororvirus is extremely contagious and you don't want to get sick. No lies necessary. This is the perfect time to practice being direct and having a voice. No visits until everyone is healthy. It seems very simple to me.

Stand up for yourself.
 
Contagions these days are just too serious to be non-chalant about. I hear someone sneeze or cough and I'm off in another direction. And I stay away from close proximity to children on general principle. I'm fine with kids, but I'm a senior citizen. I have to look out for me or no one else will.

Just tell all concerned that this is 'non-negotiable' for you. PERIOD.
 
Misty Avich said:
I don't often speak in direct language but I wish I could. It takes guts for me to speak in direct language. Right now I want to text my husband's daughter and tell her that I rather we all didn't meet tomorrow, as I heard her partner has had a stomach flu this week and I prefer to avoid that at all costs. But I know it might make me look dramatic or something, especially if she's not the sort to be scared by vomiting like I am.

I always feel like people get offended if I treat them like a leper, and I feel guilty about it too. But it's nothing personal. I wish I did have the guts to text her and say "please don't see us tomorrow, you could be a potential carrier of the dreaded winter vomiting lurgy", but I just can't. I'm trying to think of a way to text it without offending or sounding dramatic or anything.

Can someone help me think of a kind or even casual way to tell her that we best not meet tomorrow? I can't really tell a lie like saying we're going out somewhere, because it was arranged by my husband, and he wants to see her. I rather just say the truth but I'm not sure how to.
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Just want to add my voice to those who counsel the bold approach. You’re not obligated to endanger your health, but it’s not your intention to offend. One solution is to immediately absorb all the blame, explaining you dread the flu and beg they understand. If they think you should take the risk against your own best judgment, then you know what you’re dealing with.

However, I would suggest that you consider your mate’s decision to be his own business. If he decides to go, then life has dealt you that hazard; we can’t expect other people to arrange their lives and relationships according to our own priorities.

I speak as a confirmed germ warfare specialist. I scoff at those who may say I’m a germaphobe; fear is not the motivation, rather a determination to avoid avoidable consequences. It’s called wisdom, and yes, I look both ways before crossing the road. Let them say and think as they will as they bring their sacrificial offerings to the porcelain god.

But your mate has to deal with his own family, and I don’t know about enforcing your apprehension on him. You want latitude to make your choice, you should offer him the same. Life is inherently risky.
 
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