disagreements

[watersprite]

What do you do when you disagree with something that a family member or friend believes? My automatic response used to be to immediately make known my opinion.

As I have gotten older, I have learned not to do that. However, sometimes the issue has such an effect on me or a situation I am involved in, that I must engage in a 'discussion', or else give up and be un-engaged, which then can lead to more problems developing.

That discussion is where I have a lot of trouble due to a combination of black and white sort of thinking, overly detail-oriented thinking with its concomitant failure to see the big picture, and a lack of social skill in knowing what is appropriate to the relationship, be it family, friend, acquaintance, etc. When these discussions go awry I often end up confused and blaming myself, so would like to learn how to improve but don't know where to start.

 

[Suzanne]

Hi there, Kestrel

I am afraid I have no magic solution, because I do not restrain myself in responding, but what I have learned to do, and it is thanks to my faith, actually, is to answer with mildness and it seems to work.

To be blunt, the discussions I usually hold are with family members, who seem to lack "you know what, upstairs" and thus, well come across as the intelligent one lol so not so hard to achieve, but one particular family member, now likes to dig her heels in and I know she is wrong and that is where it takes a heck of a lot of self control to not bite!

The worst for me is when I cannot help but voice my opinion with my husband and that usually ends up in me being at a loss because he is a quick thinker and I am the opposite.

Write down what you want to achieve ie in the discussion and try to imagine ( if you can) the kind of responses you might get and then, see if you can think of a reply. I am not saying it works, but better to try and fail than to not try at all.

I guess also you could try to think before you react. I have often wanted to jump in and think: hang on, Suzanne, think first and most times, when I do think about it, I realise that it doesn't seem so important any more.

I tend to be a mixed bag; in some areas I am black and white and in others, tons of grey.

My biggest hurdle is to give an answer straight away when asked a question; my mind goes blank and it is just awful!

I do hope that you get more answers and that others can help you!

 

[Nadador]

I share your pain in this area.

What I've learned to do, the hard way, is to ask objective questions before I say my piece. Clarifying another's opinion gives me insight into whatever level they're working from. There's no sense in approaching a a macro-level opinion with micro-level rebuttal, or vice versa. The disparity only invites friction. Clarification also sets me a guideline for what responses could be appropriate to the relationship, as you say. I reckon someone with whom I share a particular sort of bond wouldn't be talking to me in a way that I would be out of bounds to emulate in reply. I must simply avoid going any further, particularly not into the realm of lecture.

I also find that I have to methodically ask myself why the person has chosen to voice a matter to me, what they likely expect, and what value they will place on my viewpoint, particularly if it doesn't align with their own. The answers to these instruct me on how to avoid causing more conflict than I mean to court.

The most of the trouble I earn when I express an opinion is from pushing an issue too long and too far. For that, I discipline myself to only share one or two salient points, which are often the first that came to my mind. While I'm talking, my brain is busy churning out other thoughts and fleshing them with detail. I force myself to ignore them.

Most people don't really want your opinion when they tell you something, anyway. That may be the single most important thing to keep in mind.

 

[watersprite]

thank you Nadador and Suzanne, this helps me see what's going on. I'm writing this into my journal.

 

[AsheSkyler]

It really depends on what the topic is. If it was somebody who told me they believed pizza to be gross, well, more for me! Unless they started harping on me to not eat pizza, then I would be firmly standing my ground that they are entirely too bossy for their own good.

Other stuff like politics and religion, I usually just try to remind them that there are more viewpoints than just theirs. I can't remember the last time I took a stance on that kind of stuff.