Disclosure: Being true to self vs. protecting self?

[Poppet]

I was diagnosed with ASD earlier this year, and it has literally been a life saver for me. Everything in my life is improving since the diagnosis and I feel like I'm getting a second chance to live by having this new understanding.


I'm married, 26, and live with my husband about 15 hours away from the rest of my family (parents and two siblings). He obviously has been with me throughout the process so he knows everything. I recently confessed the diagnosis to my parents as well, through letter/package, and they took it really well (although we definitely still have some talking to do since they've basically not acknowledged it since then, but that's another issue).

I have yet to tell my siblings, parents-in-law, or most of my friends (in real life or online).


I know a lot of people will make light of the coming-out decision or say something like "you don't have to tell anyone, just don't worry about it and only mention it if it's relevant", but that's easier said than done for me. I guess I'm the sort of person who has never swallowed my feelings very easily. I keep quiet a lot of the time, yes, but when it comes to straight forward questions about myself or having to interact with someone, I don't lie. I am honest about just about everything, and I am open about just about everything. So this whole "don't mention it unless it comes up" thing is very hard for me sometimes.

Of course, I can just not mention anything. BUT most of these people who don't yet know are online, on my social media profiles, following my blog or my IG or my YouTube. Not mentioning this HUGELY life changing event on any of those internet worlds has been very draining to me. I almost feel like I'm sneaking around and being dishonest or just not true to myself... I honestly feel the strongest urge to just sign on to everything and post "Hey everyone I'm on the autism spectrum, in case you didn't know. Have a nice day!"...

I'm sort of kidding, but not. I know doing something like that would be hugely inappropriate for some relationships (like my siblings for instance, they should probably know before others, but telling them feels so awkward and potentially disastrous). And I know telling everyone I know could just be hugely inconvenient for the rest of my life (having people either disliking me, being annoyed with me, feeling sorry for me, being scared of me, thinking I'm less than, I can't even fathom all of the different negative reactions I could get by telling any and all).

I know full disclosure to everyone in a public way has huge drawbacks, but I feel that nagging tug at me every single day now... How do I decide how to disclose? Who to disclose to? When?

Getting this diagnosis, for me, was mostly about getting back in touch with my true self and letting myself breathe free and be me. So holding back SO much from SO many feels like the antithesis of that releasing freeing process I'm trying to nurture within myself... I just don't know what to do about this tug-of-war.



Does anyone else understand these kind of strong impulses to expose your ASD? To come out of the closet about it? I can't pretend it's not terrfying, but it's exciting at the same time... It definitely isn't going to be easy for me either way, but what's the best way? Being eaten alive by this secret or opening myself up to vulnerability?


Also, I have been considering the advantages and disadvantages to telling my siblings soon and then coming out online on autism awareness day next year (April 2nd in the US). That's 6 months away so it might be just enough time to prepare myself but not so long that I feel I can't handle the wait... Any thoughts?




If anyone has any advice, warnings, or personal stories to share that might help me figure this whole thing out, I would greatly appreciate hearing from you.

 

[Kari Suttle]

Only my immediate family (parents, brother, sister) know but that's cause my mom was the first one to realize i might be on the spectrum. I'm not diagnosed so idk if i really have the right to tell anyone. But i did tell my former best friend and she just wrote it off right from the start. Said everyone has issues like that it doesn't mean you're autistic, or something to that effect. It hurt me a lot cause we used to be so close, i'd share everything with her and vice versa.

No one knows at work either. My oldest running supervisor is fairly accomodating despite that, though. I have a horrible short term memory so multitasking is pretty much impossible for me. But with me being a cashier, often times a supervisor will come up while i'm checking out a customer and tell me which lane to move to when i'm done with the people in my line right then. But i can't focus on my work and the supervisor - i might reply to them yeah sure but i didn't actually have time to process what they wanted of me so it effectively goes in one ear and out the other. This particular supervisor is the only one to have noticed that so far, and she always waits until i'm done with my current customer to give me my next assignment. Or if its busy she turns out my register's light and tells me to come find her when i'm finished with my customers. She's the only one who does that though, the others come right up to me and just tell me where they want me to go next without waiting. I've learned to at least shift focus for them, though. It makes me anxious but i can at least do it now. I just have to totally stop what i'm doing and sometimes repeat back what they said for confirmation but that's it. I'm glad the one supervisor is accomodating with that, though, all without my even saying anything.

All that aside, though, if I had a diagnosis I don't know how I'd keep myself from telling my work. Its the only 'social interaction' i have being friendless as i am. It doesn't affect my work too terribly bad, hence why I'd be reluctant. I'd be afraid of making myself look like a problem, and I honestly wouldn't know how to explain it either. Even if I'm 99% certain a coworker of mine is an aspie too, I can't expect them to know what to do with the information if i suddenly got diagnosed and came out as an aspie. For me, yeah it'd be great for them to know, a huge burden off my shoulders, but the more logical side of me insists there's no point unless they could find the information useful which I am in doubt about.

 

[Sarsaparilla]

Hello Poppet, love your ginger cat avatar

I've told my mum, a couple of friends and my ex-boyfriend.

My mum tries to understand but doesn't completely get it. She won't bring it up herself, I have to bring it up. There was an embarrassing moment recently when she started slagging off the Asperger's character on the Danish/Swedish TV programme The Bridge - then caught herself and shut up.

My friends were OK, didn't really get it. I got a few comments like 'everyone finds social situations hard' etc. The first person I told was when I wasn't really sure of the diagnosis myself and that was a mistake as I wanted validation from them but got the 'everyone does that..' response. The surer and more confident I am about it, and the less dependent on their approval I am, the easier it is for me to tell them and the more they listen to what I have to say.

My ex-boyfriend totally got it. We used to live together, he knows me.

I totally get wanting to tell everyone though. I hate keeping secrets. I'm having a hard time at work and I wish I could just come out with it. But the problem is that Asperger's for me is an intensly personal thing because I've learnt to hide away a lot of the traits and I am only truly Asperger's on my own. So telling people feels like taking my clothes off in public and I don't want to do that at work!

I don't know if any of this will be helpful for you but good luck whatever you decide to do. I would recommend taking it slowly and starting with your siblings and close friends.

 

[Kari Suttle]

My mum tries to understand but doesn't completely get it.

My mom is like this too, which is ironic because she's the one who first suggested i could be on the spectrum. Its like to them its just a useful factoid that isn't even important enough to get a proper diagnosis for, let alone understand. She's still just as hard on me as before, hasn't bothered to try to understand how it affects me. I too have spent my entire life learning to hide my aspie traits cause i was always told to just try harder or just do this or just do that. Not that we knew what it was, of course. I'm only ever genuine with the cats and the almost two year old little boy i babysit. I would love to just have a diagnosis and tell everyone i see a lot of including work but apart of me is afraid it would just turn out like everything else in my life and i'd get hated and rejected for something i have no control over.

 

[Harrison]

I don't hide it, I see no need to. People accept it or don't, some ask but most just get on with life around me.

The gay community probably went through a similar period of time as people started to talk more or state they were gay. Nothing about that has changed for me except my gay friends hug me more than my hetero friends.

In all my long life I have steadfastly refused to live in fear of what people think of me, it's my life to live to the max.

 

[Cali Cat]

I'm a fairly open person too. I've felt the urge to tell everybody; but at the same time, I like a few things kept to myself. I "come out" on a need-to-know basis. Most of the people I've told are close to me and they are either on the spectrum themselves, or they just don't pay much mind to it. I told one person who wasn't very close to me, but it sort of came up in conversation. She really didn't know much about it, and probably forgot soon thereafter. I believe that's the typical response I'll get from most people. They have their own things to think about, and if they don't understand ASD, they will just file my information in the back of their minds and forget it. It seems like a big deal to us because it affects us, but most of the time it's not going to be a big deal to others. The only time that might be untrue is when someone has had a bad experience with people on the spectrum, or they've somehow developed a negative attitude towards autism in general. People who aren't affected by it will know little to nothing about it. Maybe your idea of telling your family first is best, and then give it some time to let the rest of the world know.

 

[Sarsaparilla]

My mom is like this too, which is ironic because she's the one who first suggested i could be on the spectrum. Its like to them its just a useful factoid that isn't even important enough to get a proper diagnosis for, let alone understand. She's still just as hard on me as before, hasn't bothered to try to understand how it affects me. I too have spent my entire life learning to hide my aspie traits cause i was always told to just try harder or just do this or just do that. Not that we knew what it was, of course. I'm only ever genuine with the cats and the almost two year old little boy i babysit. I would love to just have a diagnosis and tell everyone i see a lot of including work but apart of me is afraid it would just turn out like everything else in my life and i'd get hated and rejected for something i have no control over.

My mum was listening to a programme on the radio about Asperger's once and said the boy on there sounded like me, but it was a few years ago and she denies it now (she's older though and has probably forgotten). I tried to explain to her that my understanding of Asperger's explains a dangerous incident when I was a child and she just didn't understand why I would behave like I did. However, recently she went into the supermarket for me because I was overloaded and couldn't deal with it, so she does sort of get it.

I hope you get a diagnosis and it helps you and yes cats and kids are great for being accepting

 

[Ylva]

Self preservation has priority with me.

 

[ZackSkylar101]

I generally tell people as they need to know, but I'm not doing anything to hide it. I do all sorts of things that reveal that I am autistic all the time, so hopefully people get the message without having to ask the question. And if they ask, or if I feel like talking to them about it, then we talk about it. However I have learnt that it is not an idea to talk to someone about it all straight away when you meet them, as people don't respond well to this.

But the general thing I have learnt is that if you accept yourself and your identity, then people have much less of a problem accepting it. So generally when I meet new people I just act like I would usually act and I end up finding the people who accept it and the people who can't just don't get involved, which is not a big problem.

In conclusion, I say tell the people who you want to, but don't feel the need to shout it from the rooftops. Protect your dignity if you need to (by telling someone you give them a lot of information about yourself and they are not necessarily going to give you a large amount of information back so it puts a lot of power in a relationship into the hands of the other person, so only do this if you want to). If you tell them be ready to correct misconceptions if people have any. Otherwise just accept yourself and some other people will accept you, whether you tell them or not

 

[AsheSkyler]

The day I realized I was autistic I wanted to go dance in the yard and run through town going "I'm Autistic! It explains everything! YIPPEE!!" Still get that urge sometimes.

But it's a self-diagnosis, so I do require some discretion, especially since nearly everybody I encounter ignores anything if not expressly said by a doctor. Seriously, you arm can be bent in two with the bone sticking out, but it's not broken unless a doctor writes it down on paper first. My family knows, my husband knows, but I do NOT want to tell my in-laws. My mother-in-law thinks the Tourrettes people do it for attention and I dislike her enough as is without giving her another reason to make me want to snap at her. And to think she works in mental health housing facilities! My kid is 2-years-old, so he kinda doesn't know, but I'm sure once he figures it out it won't be long that the in-laws know and then I get to deal with whatever snarky crap that spills out of my mother-in-law's mouth.

 

[Ylva]

My mother-in-law thinks the Tourrettes people do it for attention and I dislike her enough as is without giving her another reason to make me want to snap at her. And to think she works in mental health housing facilities!

Sorry, but it is funny because I know a person like that. She is very good on paper, so I'm told, but she is woefully prejudiced against anyone who fails to conform to her unvoiced standards for behaviour, no matter what their reason is. It just tickles me.

Good luck with the whole accidentally coming out thing. Some people actually do change their prejudice (or adjust it slightly) if they fear being judged for their hypocrisy.

 

[Poppet]

Thanks everyone for the advice and insights! It's been helpful to think about it from different angles. Sometimes I get so caught up in my own thoughts, I don't consider the upside or downside of different things...

So telling people feels like taking my clothes off in public and I don't want to do that at work!

Hahaha that is EXACTLY what it would feel like!

So generally when I meet new people I just act like I would usually act and I end up finding the people who accept it and the people who can't just don't get involved, which is not a big problem.

I completely agree with this. No point in putting on a mask to make friends if they'll just run away as soon as you take the mask off to relax a little..!

Some people actually do change their prejudice (or adjust it slightly) if they fear being judged for their hypocrisy.

This is actually true, I think people sometimes just need to be shaken up to see that their mindset is unacceptable. Once someone they respect disapproves of them, they will quickly reevaluate their mindset.

In all my long life I have steadfastly refused to live in fear of what people think of me, it's my life to live to the max.

I really want to live like that. I feel like I've always been this sort of person too, up until this realization of ASD where I had to make am active decision to tell or not tell... I won't lie about it if asked directly for sure, but the out and open approach is something I want and I keep teetering towards but it's just like leaping off a cliff into water, I keep getting chicken.
I really respect your ability to just be yourself. Hopefully in a short time soon I can say the same about myself.
Using your own comparison between the gay community and coming out--If someone comes out as gay, they're sharing a very important aspect of themselves with the people who meet them. Like sharing anything that you deem important in your life, anything you would never keep secret because it's just you. And anyone worth knowing will be accepting of that, and those that aren't worth knowing, well, forget them. I feel like my ASD shouldn't be so shameful that I stress out over it and hide it and keep my suffering with various issues under wraps for fear of how people will react. Being mute around others at every social function just because I want to spare them from myself...
Most people who open up about being gay don't in the same breath confess in great detail their sex life and preferences in partners. I think it's fair and reasonable to want to be open about the general facts of your personality and life. Divulging more details can be fine for certain relationships. I think sharing my ASD diagnosis with others is more like coming out as gay rather than like sharing every intimate detail with people who don't even want to know... If that makes sense.
Sorry I'm totally using your comparison and this thread as a sounding board to play that out in my mind! Not trying to overuse the analogy to an annoying degree.
In conclusion I think I am for coming out, but maybe with slightly more restraint and forethought about when, who, where, and how than my impulses tell me to have...

 

[Ian114]

I would not tell anyone who you're not very close to, or that you don't know how they'd take it. I would suggest you think about the risks and benefits of disclosure before you tell each person. What do you have to gain by telling people? What do you have to lose?

Remember that not everyone will be supportive. How will you feel if someone is mean to you or stops being your friend when you tell them? I don't want to sound overly negative or discouraging, but it's worth thinking about, IMHO.

 

[Spiller]

I had no choice, after my breakdown - due to hiding it all my life, people wanted to know what was wrong, why I wasn't working anymore. Many now either don't talk to me, discomfort I think, or look at me with sympathy like I'm ill.
I don't care because the relief of finally knowing what this lifelong plague is, is fantastic!
Now if only I can get a diagnosis..

 

[Shannon Beech]

I tell those on the need to know basis or in situations where I think it would be helpful in furthering my goals are the goals of the group. I do believe in respecting mine and others privacy and I don't think it's a good idea per se just to tell anyone. I like for people to get to know me and to get to know people before I start showing intimate details about my life in person with them. It's not good to give out certain bits of information to people you don't know for certain you can trust. There's nothing wrong with being open but caution should not be thrown to the wind.

Who you are and what conditions affect your life shouldn't always be a factor in how you're treated or the quality-of-life available to you. However, in this world those things do you have an effect on your quality-of-life. So thought needs to go into what you choose to reveal what you don't. And whatever you choose to reveal make sure that your comfortable with what consequences that brings. Always keep in mind that whether you like it or not, whether you think it's right or wrong people aren't obligated to accept you. You need to be able to make peace with that. We are living in a world where people of multiple groups feel that they're entitled to certain treatment from others regardless of those peoples feelings or beliefs. I believe in respecting people's decisions and their beliefs even if they are in conflict with my own. I keep that in mind with what information I share with people.