Disconnected from boyfriend

[homosapiens09]

Hi, i'm posting here because i really need to get these emotions out of myself and i need some understanding. (I'm not a native English speaker so sorry if theres not a perfect English)

I have been with my boyfriend for a year now, we're long distance and he has been diagnosed as autistic when he was a kid, he told me this somewhere along the relationship.

He's really sweet at times with comments he makes to me and with details and his love language and seems to like to make me happy BUT.

We had so many problems in the relationship between us, mainly because i have my own mental problems and because he doesn't gives me the emotional support i need, he makes insensitive comments sometimes that i would except being inconsiderate from a neurotypical person and it triggered me a lot of times and i had nervous outbursts because he doesn't seem to think they're that bad comments.

We are a messy mix between me having strong emotions sometimes and him not understanding me, which makes me feel really disconnected in this relationship, and he seems to be scared of my emotions so he express himself less with time, which makes everything worse in the long run and i don't know how to deal with his detachment.

I don't even see how his 'sorrys' are genuine, he sometimes makes excuses to excuse his behaviour that bothered me and he tells me to tell him what i need out of him for him to adequate to me, but at the same time because he may make excuses it really confuses me.

He likes to annoy me and when i tell him to stop he won't stop when i tell him. He can get annoyed too if i bother him but he won't put himself in my shoes.

I had sexual desire problems with him because of all this too, i didn't want sex with him because we are not emotionally connected at all, and he gets mad because he sees how i don't want to have sex with him, but never dares to ask me why, just gets mad and expresses himself when i get thing out of him.

I don't know anymore what to do, i explode and tell him that we are better not together and i can find someone that understands me more and he can find someone that's more adequate for him, he doesn't seems to want to break up but i never get satisfied with how things are at the end, i already have been in abussive relationships and i'm deeply hurt and i simply don't want to try to fix anyone or tell what they to wrong all the time, it's really exhausting.

 

[Giraffes]

Hi there if you're not happy and don't feel accepted and your needs are ignored is it a good relationship for you? from your writing you both seem very different in how you express feelings and needs, from experience only the person themself can see anothers perspective, and trust me being a 'fixer' and by staying a enabler is a exhausting thankless thing to do with your time and may have a negative effect on your mental health, please look after YOU and make a decision based on being happy.

 

[Tom]

Hi, I think you need to find someone like Count Dante. Someone who if he dosn't understand your emotions can at least kill them with just the stare of his steely brown eyes. Someone you will feel safe around... well at least when you are online.

 

[Mindf'Elle'ness]

Sounds like the relationship I just ended. Or he finally ended??? 3 months of the most frustrating messaging back and forth that I've ever had in my life. We had feelings for each other but seemed to want very different things. He has been depressed for years since he left his wife and I think that was the driving force in how he dealt with me. Anyway, it was out of my control.
You two just aren't on the same wave patterns. It's a bad sign when you spend your time cringing at the sight of his next text/message before you even read it. Are you in this because there's no one else at the moment? Meaning, are you afraid of being lonely? Is there something else that you do that you LOVE spending time at? Have you done something great for yourself lately? I think you need to take a mental break from this guy for a couple of weeks and if the time away feels like relief, then you have your answer.

 

[Rasputin]

Hi, i'm posting here because i really need to get these emotions out of myself and i need some understanding. (I'm not a native English speaker so sorry if theres not a perfect English)

I have been with my boyfriend for a year now, we're long distance and he has been diagnosed as autistic when he was a kid, he told me this somewhere along the relationship.

He's really sweet at times with comments he makes to me and with details and his love language and seems to like to make me happy BUT.

We had so many problems in the relationship between us, mainly because i have my own mental problems and because he doesn't gives me the emotional support i need, he makes insensitive comments sometimes that i would except being inconsiderate from a neurotypical person and it triggered me a lot of times and i had nervous outbursts because he doesn't seem to think they're that bad comments.

We are a messy mix between me having strong emotions sometimes and him not understanding me, which makes me feel really disconnected in this relationship, and he seems to be scared of my emotions so he express himself less with time, which makes everything worse in the long run and i don't know how to deal with his detachment.

I don't even see how his 'sorrys' are genuine, he sometimes makes excuses to excuse his behaviour that bothered me and he tells me to tell him what i need out of him for him to adequate to me, but at the same time because he may make excuses it really confuses me.

He likes to annoy me and when i tell him to stop he won't stop when i tell him. He can get annoyed too if i bother him but he won't put himself in my shoes.

I had sexual desire problems with him because of all this too, i didn't want sex with him because we are not emotionally connected at all, and he gets mad because he sees how i don't want to have sex with him, but never dares to ask me why, just gets mad and expresses himself when i get thing out of him.

I don't know anymore what to do, i explode and tell him that we are better not together and i can find someone that understands me more and he can find someone that's more adequate for him, he doesn't seems to want to break up but i never get satisfied with how things are at the end, i already have been in abussive relationships and i'm deeply hurt and i simply don't want to try to fix anyone or tell what they to wrong all the time, it's really exhausting.

It sounds like your boyfriend struggles with empathy, not able to understand what you are thinking or feeling, and you have a poor understanding of how ASD affects him. You expect him to understand your feelings and connect with you emotionally, which he can not do. In order for him to understand, you would probably have to explain your feelings and expectations to him explicitly.

This could get better with education and counseling for both of you. However, if there is no marital commitment, it might make sense for you to go your separate ways. Then, perhaps you will find someone who can fulfill your emotional needs, and he can find someone who can support his needs.

 

[Aspychata]

Being on the spectrum means never finding somebody that understands you emotionally. If you really like him then don't break up.

 

[Rasputin]

Now I am going to play devil's advocate with the opinion I posted earlier. This guy sounds a lot like me, except for the age difference. I struggle understanding what my wife is feeling, and have very low cognitive and compassionate empathy. Similarly, my wife has complained that she feels emotionally disconnected from me. I have heard the same complaints that were expressed in the original post. We have been married 28 years, and we have had both good and bad times. Since being diagnosed, I have been educating myself and my wife. I have 60 years of bad habits to get rid of, and my wife realizes I can't do it without her help. In some ways she has to lead me because I can not read her well.

Is it worth it? You bet it is. We have 28 years invested in a marriage, and we love each other. It takes work and willingness on both parties to help each other. Hence, I said earlier that it can improve with education and counseling. The only difference is my wife and I have a 28 year marriage and we are both committed to making it work.

 

[Thinx]

This sounds difficult. I have done a lot of personal therapy and work on self development, and I certainly recommend that, as a way to improve your own struggles and skills in relationships. We can't change others, and in my experience we are likely to engage with a partner who is at a similar level of relating security, sounds like you are both wanting basic support from each other in relating, rather than being able to feel more confident and robust about yourself.

Working on your own insecurities and feelings can get you more confident, so for example you don't feel easily undermined, and when a friend or partner says something problematic you don't take it to heart, or think unrealistically that they can easily change this, to help you, whilst believing you can't help yourself. Getting in a more supportive relationship would certainly be helpful, if you can, but also doing developmental work on yourself, to feel better and more able to cope.

 

[Taira]

Even nt people sometimes communicate in incompatible ways. I use to tell people that love doesn't conquer all. The only things it conquers is common sense and gut feeling.

If both make an effort to communicate in the "listening to the other person" sense, the relationship has pretty good chances. If communication fails, it may be best to end it before anyone is too badly hurt. Breakups don't get better by trying to fix the unfixable for five more years.

I don't mean to say you should break up. Just consider your and your boyfriend's needs, and whether you are able to meet those for each other. You could propose taking a break, to see if you'll drift apart or get back together again after a time. Such a break would be good to spend on dealing with your own issues.