Discussing grief with a friend

[Thomas_Town]

Just over a month ago I discovered an aspie friend of mine in his late teens (we're not overly close but he's more than an acquaintance) had lost his mum. Tragically, she had a recurrence of cancer that was not curable. This had given him time to process the impending loss so it was not a sudden passing.

Since her death he has kept this news private from many of his friends (including me). I was also not aware of her battle over the past year, he never brought it up.

Not being aware of her passing, I was encouraging him to attend a car show the same week she died and he appeared keen to come. Being a big event, I almost missed bumping into him but I found him at one point.

We chatted for about 5 minutes and then I took him to find another mutual friend to say hi before he told us he had to get going home. There was nothing really amiss with the conversation topics and he seemed to be acting his usual self.

We let him head off and then my friend dropped a bombshell: "He seems to be coping very well for someone who lost his mum a week ago"

I became visibly shocked and speechless with this comment and needed a few moments to process the situation before asking my friend to repeat what he said. My friend then mentioned he had only found out through someone else and then maybe shouldn't have mentioned it himself.

Another person with us who didn't know our friend make a fair comment that some get on with life after a death rather than "crying into their cornflakes".

We all discussed that it was really sad to lose his mum at that young age, and for a parent to die before they get to meet their grandkids is too soon. I know I'd really struggle with a loss of parent at that age if I was in his position. I didn't want to show I was obsessing with the sudden turn of events so I left my friends and spent much of the next hour walking around on my own trying to process the news.

When I got home I did some Google and Facebook searching and was able to find posts that confirmed the death and just how recent it was.

In the next couple of days I decided he must want to keep his grief private from most of us and leave his friends as an escape and distraction from the situation, rather than project his pity on us.

I have been able to chat to him on Facebook every couple of days and seen him briefly in person a few times since the car show. Every time he acts his normal self as it nothing is wrong and he hasn't appeared depressed or mourning in any real sense. This could be the aspie in him, not feeling grief in the usual way. I also know he is pushing through with work, not giving himself a break, although he has mentioned an interstate road trip with his dad next month.

Part of me would like to attempt to discuss how he is feeling and make sure is coping beyond the facade he has put up. I feel I am walking on eggshells worried I'll bring it up at the wrong moment anyway.

I am also worried on the other hand, as by now I might be one of his only friends he forgot to mention the situation and that might be making me look heartless by not checking in on him and just chatting normally.

At the same time it is hard to ask others as they might not know what is going on, and this is definitely not a situation to gossip about. Once the cat is out of the bag, everyone might rally around him with belated support and that might not be what he is seeking from us. This could then damage my friendship once he finds out who spread the news.

Also, is it OK to discuss any of my own personal problems with him? I feel anything going on my life is nothing compared to the challenge he is dealing with.

I would appreciate some advice.

 

[TheFreeCat]

That is sad and clearly he does not want to talk about it, but It would not hurt to say , once in a while--"You doin' ok?" That is rather vague. It can be taken either way. He will know you are a good friend. Just go at his pace.

 

[Fino]

I was going to say something similar as TheFreeCat. Just regularly asking something simple like, "How's it going?" or "How's your life been?" or "Anything new?" or any other casual, common question, and if he'd like to open about it then that gives him the chance, otherwise I'd leave it alone.

And from what I've read, there is no such thing as "experiencing grief normally," and everyone responds differently, which is normal.

 

[Progster]

I would not mention it unless he chooses to and brings it up, as it seems that he prefers not to talk about it. Let it be up to him.

I really don't know what to do in that kind of situation and don't bring it up. I'm not very good at dealing with other people's strong emotions and talking about grief just feels awkward to me, I just don't know what to say. I'm much better at offering practical help than emotional support.

 

[Bedlamite]

I'm a senior and have lost many family members - mother, father, aunts, uncles, etc. Personally for me, I'm not big on grief. I have never experienced a great deal of it - but that is just me. It is sad yes, but I think if your friend seems to be coping with his loss then just let it be. Not knowing how others cope with grief is common. Sometimes, for a person that has a strong disposition, bringing up a topic such as how they are dealing with grief can be considered intrusive. Like @Progster stated, let your friend bring the subject up. If he never does, and doesn't ever appear troubled, then take heart that he is dealing with his loss on his terms and he is doing fine.

 

[TempeFan]

Looks like you have a consensus. Cancer deaths are long and painful, but it gives the family time to work through their grief together while the loved one is still alive. In a sudden death, the advice might be different, as those left behind haven't even started the process. They are in shock, so they won't even remember who said what, only whether or not people were there to support them.

An appropriate time to bring it up gently is one year from now when the anniversary date rolls around and everyone else seems to have forgotten, but he has to deal with the loss all over again.

 

[Thomas_Town]

Thanks everyone for your replies so far.

I think not bringing it up but rather keeping things normal for him is the right decision then. It seems my friend wants to keep the death private and deal with it in his own time. I am sure his wider family are helping him deal with any difficult emotions he is facing.

Haven't seen any obvious signs that he is troubled but if I do I will consider making a comment.