Do Interactions Get Any Easier?

[Gomendosi]

I am not even going to make a joke or try to pretty this up in any way. I have had a very bad run over the years with friendships and so now if I am stoopid enough to let my guard down and make a friend I can usually see it going pair shaped as soon as they realize what they have gotten themselves in for, so at that point I usually try to patch things up and hope for the best or just sever ties altogether. Recently I had to put a stop to friendship as it looked like it was getting strange, I wont go into detail but there were a lot of factors at play and suffice to say that if we had of been left alone we could have been the greatest friends ever, we got along that well. Anyhow, I forgot about texting and sure enough she texted me saying she had been in shock when I said goodbye and wanted to say her own goodbyes properly, so me being me I went and saw her at work and said we could arrange a time for a last chat if she wanted and she looked like she was going to cry so I left. Anyway I got some more weird texts and it left me thinking, she didn?t really want time to say goodbye she just didn?t like that it hadn?t been her that called it quits. Anyway it ended up in recriminations and in the end I just told her that I cared for her as much as any decent friend should and that I would always be remember the good times. Now of course I feel a complete tit. I am just a huge loser and I know it!

Why can?t people be more tolerant? If I say I don?t understand, instead of saying the same thing only louder, say it a different way this time.
Why can?t people try to understand if you say you?re different? I?ve been reading neurotypical literature all my life; would it kill you to read this pamphlet about Aspergers syndrome?
Why can?t people be honest with themselves and me both? If you have feelings for me lets explore them, if your taken lets just be friends, see, not hard!
Why are people constantly palming their own insecurities off on to me? If you feel a certain way about something don?t accuse me of that too, I?m not you!

Does it get any easier, can you be friends with anyone let alone someone of the opposite sex? Why is it if a bloke tries to be a friend to a woman she automatically assumes he must be like every other guy on the planet and when it becomes obvious he isn?t, she then starts to attribute things to him to put her own mind at ease. Besides If 1 person sees a signal they are imagining it, if 2 people see it, it could be real but if 5 people see that signal? what about 100 people, ****, if 100 people see a signal an aspie is gonna have to ask a question. I just want friends, I am so lonely I reach out to anyone and I have no thought to anything else but, they do. Why are people so peopley? Grrrr I hate people!




:beardM:

 

[cheetoe80]

In my experience no, it does not get easier. There is this girl at my gym who I would totally date or just try to be friends with but I can't seem to manage it even though she seems to be cool with me and understanding. I also feel like I'm not talking enough with the other staff or something and that's getting weird.

 

[Arashi222]

Why can?t people be more tolerant?
I don't know why people can't be more tolerant. I think that we are all scared of what we don't understand. I think they can get easier. I think it depends. I have always had for the most part people who have believed in me most of my life. So I felt like with practice I can do anything. But friendships are still hard. I still have trouble with them. As my mom always says that friendships I initiate myself seemed to be a bit easier for me because if they stuck around they lvoed me for me. But if I was introduced or told I should be friends with someone then it was harder. Still is harder I think that's why my previous two friendships of three years fell apart. They didn't understand me and I didn't understand them at all.


Why can?t people try to understand if you say you?re different?
People don't understand and they are afraid. They are afraid of what they don't know. We spend out whole lives trying to be 'normal' and realize at what point do you get so frustrated that you give up and just be yourself and hope they read the pamphlet on AS that you give them.

Why can?t people be honest with themselves and me both?
Because that would be way to easy. People can't usually be honest with themselves let alone with someone else. Half the time I don't think that most normal people even have a clue about how dishonest they are toward other people. But I agree I wish people would be a lot more honest about how they feel about you sooner. So that way you can decide what you need to do for yourself.

Why are people constantly palming their own insecurities off on to me?
Great question. Because we're easy targets. I tend to be very senstive to people's emotions. I tend to get overwhelmed by them often. I also feel like that is why I can come off as an ice queen in person. I tend to call it as I see it when people pawn off their own emotions on me. I tend to try to express my feelings...But sometimes I can't.

All in all I think they do get easier as we get older we learn things and apply what we've learned. I don't say that its always easy because heck every situation is different. But I think we learn to cope differently everyone of us.

 

[epath13]

Oh, come on, don't hate people, they're just like little children, don't know what they're doing not sure if I'm kidding or not...
What do you mean by "weird texts"? And maybe she liked you more than you've realized? I don't know, we, women, are complicated beings

As for your question, apparently it doesn't get that much easier. I've thought I've come a long way, but sometimes I still feel lost.

Why can?t people be more tolerant? If I say I don?t understand, instead of saying the same thing only louder, say it a different way this time.
I know! well... I guess it's easier, meaning, that they've learned that things should be certain way and have hard time accepting that they might have been wrong and need to change perspective... But, aren't we that way sometimes?

Why can?t people try to understand if you say you?re different? I?ve been reading neurotypical literature all my life; would it kill you to read this pamphlet about Aspergers syndrome?
Oh, that's simple. Why should they?

Why can?t people be honest with themselves and me both? If you have feelings for me lets explore them, if your taken lets just be friends, see, not hard!
Some people might not be sure whether they have feelings or not, they don't want to put themselves in uncomfortable situation. A lot of people find it hard to talk about feelings and motives openly, they've never learned it, instead they've learned to hide their actual thoughts and feelings. Women usually are more willing to talk (apparently) so maybe you can try to have a conversation with your friend after all...

Why are people constantly palming their own insecurities off on to me? If you feel a certain way about something don?t accuse me of that too, I?m not you!
I think it's quite a common habit, people often project their feelings on others... Again, because it's easier. And many of us (folks on the spectrum) do it as well.


As of assumptions, it's because it's mostly the case.
Have you been honest with her yourself? Have you told her about how weird it fees to you, that you're glad that she's your friend and only a friend?

 

[Gomendosi]

Oh, come on, don't hate people, they're just like little children, don't know what they're doing not sure if I'm kidding or not...
What do you mean by "weird texts"? And maybe she liked you more than you've realized? I don't know, we, women, are complicated beings

Nah, I don’t really hate people, I just have moments where the frustration with their overwhelming idiosyncrasies destroys my desire to interact with them, then I remember that I am people too :lol:

The weird text’s I mentioned was in regard to my call to stop being friends, they where all about still being friends but seeing less of each other, phone convo's could be cut down to like an hour a week, only texting say, 3 or 4 times a day and spending more time with other people, that sort of thing.
No, I think I that I realized, luckily, before anything untoward could happen I called a halt to the friendship, trouble is it takes two to tango and she wouldn’t let it go. We are actually back to being friends again now but I have shown I have less patience with things not being cut and dried.
Also I have become friendlier with the fianc?e lately and that, she doesn’t like, he keeps on getting in trouble for coming around my place. I just feel sorry for him in all of this so I try to keep my distance from her now or I pretend like I’m at the doctor whenever she's around!

 

[Arashi222]

You know just when I think things are getting easier with friendships and socializing in general something always comes up. Something always happens where I don't get something. I keep trying. I understand that the misunderstandings on my side most of the time. But if I didn't if have to work with my ex-friend I think I would be all right. But I can't even go back to the deli without it being a problem, she makes me feel like I was the bad guy. She constantly makes sure to rub in my face just how easy it is for her to take people away from me and turn them against me. So Guess I just had to add in here that I think they do get easier but that it never goes away we have issues being social it just is what it is. Sigh....

 

[epath13]

Nah, I don’t really hate people, I just have moments where the frustration with their overwhelming idiosyncrasies destroys my desire to interact with them, then I remember that I am people too :lol:

The weird text’s I mentioned was in regard to my call to stop being friends, they where all about still being friends but seeing less of each other, phone convo's could be cut down to like an hour a week, only texting say, 3 or 4 times a day and spending more time with other people, that sort of thing.
No, I think I that I realized, luckily, before anything untoward could happen I called a halt to the friendship, trouble is it takes two to tango and she wouldn’t let it go. We are actually back to being friends again now but I have shown I have less patience with things not being cut and dried.
Also I have become friendlier with the fianc?e lately and that, she doesn’t like, he keeps on getting in trouble for coming around my place. I just feel sorry for him in all of this so I try to keep my distance from her now or I pretend like I’m at the doctor whenever she's around!

yeah, I was wondering if you're going to mention that...

anyway, everything seems to be back to "normal", at least it keeps your life exciting

 

[Gomendosi]

anyway, everything seems to be back to "normal", at least it keeps your life exciting

Not so much back to normal, the girl is avoiding me now and trying to stop my interaction with her fianc?e as well at the moment, I mentioned that I thought she only wanted to be friends again so she could call it quits on her own terms and it is bearing out exactly like that, as I predicted. It doesn’t bother me that I am losing a friend, it bothers me that initially I knew it was going bad and I put a stop to it, and then foolishly, I went against my better judgment and let her have her way. Anyway, it couldn’t last the second time around because not only did I not want it to, but I also made the rules and she didn’t want to follow them, I said no talking about sex or dirty pictures and no suggestiveness or flirting. Pretty reasonable in my opinion and her fianc?e happily agreed with me (not that I am a saint)
Poor bastard though, he still has to put up with it because she's still doing the same stuff with another (shmuck) friend of hers. Anyway, I am happy to be rid of them (maybe), so yeah, at least it keeps my life exciting LOL

 

[Gomendosi]

Here is an update;

Until recently I had been giving it a second shot with that friend and then this event transpired where we were having a great week over both our birthdays and spending time together like we used to when we were besties, which was before her fianc?e came back from a trip interstate and made everything between the two of us seem suspect, like that there was something going on.

A full grown male and female can be best friends goddammit.

Anyway, then she got crook and I gave her medicine and made a fuss over her and she went away and I didn?t see her for more than a week, the fianc?e left me hanging too (he and I were sort of getting to be friends slowly as well). So I simply went from suddenly being happily sociable to being totally alone again overnight.

Well, I got sick of all the games and whatnot and called the whole association off, either you want to be friends all the time and not just when its convenient for you or you don?t want to be friends at all.

I mean, I cant handle this ******** where people breeze into your life for a few days while you do stuff for them and it makes you feel important and liked and happy, then you don?t see anything of them for ages afterward and you text and call and leave messages and are made to feel like your ungrateful for the attention they do afford you or that your too needy or your begging or worse, that your stalking them, bah.

Of course they had fully real and legitimate reasons why they couldn?t see me or ring me or return TXT?s or drop in on their days off, obviously they couldn?t chat on MSN or e-mail either, not even a letter through the post but all with perfectly acceptable excuses mind you, arghhh, why the hell am I getting so upset anyway, after all, I should be thankful to have the internet to be able to download stuff so that when I tell people I have such and such, they can then come over and get a copy? oops, I mean, be my friend. If it wasn?t for file sharing sites I wouldn?t have any friends I reckon!

PS;
I don?t mean that the file sharing sites are my friends, I meant that I kind of have ?friends? because of the stuff I can give them that I have downloaded hehehe

 

[Soup]

Why can’t people be more tolerant? If I say I don’t understand, instead of saying the same thing only louder, say it a different way this time.
Why can’t people try to understand if you say you’re different? I’ve been reading neurotypical literature all my life; would it kill you to read this pamphlet about Aspergers syndrome?
Why can’t people be honest with themselves and me both? If you have feelings for me lets explore them, if your taken lets just be friends, see, not hard!
Why are people constantly palming their own insecurities off on to me? If you feel a certain way about something don’t accuse me of that too, I’m not you!


@ GOMENDOSI (& anyone else who feels like reading this) WOW! That is one profound, intelligent, to the point salient post! It ought to be on a billboard & distributed to every teacher in every school on earth & to every parent as well.

One of the very 1st critical lessons I learned in the Education programme at university was that there are different areas of intelligence & different means by which people learn so if the approach I'm using as a teacher isn't reaching a student I NEED TO TRY A DIFFERENT APPROACH: not blame, shame or accuse the student, become frustrated & give up. I'd argue that I don't have a right to do that to anyone: not just a kid in a classroom.

Tricky business: NTs & their over-active emotional system. Pls read about Freud's concepts of TRANSFERENCE & PROJECTION. The NT friend you described fell head-long into a steaming heap of BOTH! The thing with the emotional morass is that when they get flare-ups of it, it seems hard for them to tell where it's all coming from. They end up blaming the flare-up of emotion X on other people & events. Since they're over their head in emotion X it makes sense that they'd think that EVERYBODY else must also be: after all, for an ant in a jar of peanut butter, all the universe is made of peanut butter! The less we are able to see, identify & commiserate with them over said flare-up, the worse it gets. Seems like sometimes in their topsy-turvy world pouring kerosene onto a fire might just put it out!!!! WEIRD!!!!

As for making friends with them, you seem to have gotten the wrong one: they're not all that bad. If you're inclined to want friends (not a desire I have...) you might need to fish around for ones that are less over-wrought. These aren't bad people per-se, they just aren't the ideal companion for an Aspie. If a person isn't prepared to learn a little about Asperger's, they're not friend material: they're interested only in what YOU can do for THEM & not about getting to know you. Many NTs falsely believe that we Aspies all have magical super-human domain-specific skills (thanks to Hollywood) that they can put to good use. We're all walking memory banks or calculators.While some of us DO have some degree of an exceptional ability, most of us are just people: good at some stuff, suck at other stuff, not necessarily a genius at the stuff we're good at.

An important lesson: NEVER let anyone else's opinion of any aspect of you determine or affect how YOU feel or think about YOURSELF! Easier said than done, but it's a good filter to sift what people say & do to you through.