Do you ever feel like you are in chains with an abuser?

[lovely_darlingprettybaby]

Like that you used to love the person dearly and you just want to be away
And it hurts so bad but why would you stay with someone who shows you something then does another.
I do not understand or feel like anyone is on my side and it makes me feel alone and it a situation where I am stuck but severely compromised
I have made mistakes but I do not care, I just want to be with someone who sees my pain and cares, loves me back and wants good for me.
I wish I could undo so much, it hurts

 

[VictorR]

It sounds like you may be describing financial abuse (i.e. being financially tied to someone), which occurs in almost all domestic violence / abuse cases.

If so, please seek help if/when you are able - there are many organizations at various (local, state, national) levels which can assist with helping plan for removing yourself from an abusive situation.

https://nnedv.org/content/about-financial-abuse/

 

[Misty Avich]

I'm my own abuser. Not quite sure what help I can get with that.

 

[Rodafina]

@lovely_darlingprettybaby

Rather than undoing the past, could you focus on changing your present? It sounds like you could use some support that does not come from people that you have identified as abusers and those that have hurt you.

How is it going with finding a therapist?

 

[Greening]

I have had the experience. Then I left. Best advice when it comes to abusers: Leave them and find yourself. Nothing else to do. You can't fix or save an abuser. Not possible.

 

[Kayla55]

Hey, you seem to think and go through a lot like me....
In my thread digressed I spoke of trauma bond or otherwise known Stockholm syndrome.
It's as relevant as knowing about narcisstic abuse.

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

I definitely was in chains with my abuser. She had so much control over my entire life and money. She also socially isolated me and I believe that my already existing social awkwardness due to my autism became even worse because of her. I couldn’t have any friends of my own unless they met her and she approved of them. She was also hitting me as a form of “punishment“ quite often.

 

[Misty Avich]

Don't you hate it when you feel so emotionally threatened by manipulative bullies that you sort of find yourself making yourself be nice to them, in the hope of earning their respect and putting the unpleasantness behind you?
I had to do that on another internet forum. It's not fake exactly but I was just trying to earn back their respect by telling them anything they wanted to hear. Then if they did start being nice back then I'd forgive them and be friends. But I was told by a mod that was "playground logic".

I don't think it's playground logic. I think it's about being responsible for your own behaviour and forgiving others for their insecurities that might have made them bully you (even though I still don't accept that as an excuse for bullying but because they convinced me so much that I was the bad guy who deserved to be bullied, I began believing it myself and trying to make it up to them).

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

My abuser thrived on the sympathy she had gotten from others when she told them all about taking care of me and how it was soooooo “difficult“ for her to do it and that she could “never take a break.” Yeah. She went on monthly trips to international beaches for a weekend paid by her fiancé and never once took me and went tanning in a salon once or twice a week, and got a monthly manicure and pedicure which she never paid for at all. Her life was soooooo “awful.” I’ve told moms of only one kid this before and they’re shocked at how this woman complained about her life being so terrible when the mom can’t even go on a weekend trip by herself in a year. My abuser always made it seem like my dad, sister, and I forced her to stay with us and as if we kept her chained up in the basement.

 

[Aspychata]

Good you are talking about this. @lovely_darlingprettybaby , do you wish to divulge a little more. It's good to talk about things, so we can work thru things. This site has been helpful for me too.

 

[Captain Jigglypuff]

I’ve managed to break free from the chains I had with my abuser. I don’t feel any emotion or sympathy for her anymore after what she had become and after what she did to me for years and then manipulating what was going on so people felt bad for her instead of me, she got what she deserved in the end which is to be an extremely lonely person with only her fiancé being the only person who is willing to put up with her bs and she is now completely childless and lost the respect and love of the two people she had helped raise and once loved like her own children. My abuser will fake cry and complain to get whatever she wants and she plays mind games with people. I’m sure she convinced her fiancé not to leave her because she told him that he would never find anyone better than her and honestly he deserves so much better than this woman who just uses him for his money and to get free stuff. My favorite part about karma giving my abuser what she deserves is that she’s so frail and thin and sickly looking and her favorite thing say to me to gaslight me was how “God [was] punishing” her for taking care of me. I haven’t been in her life in 14 years and I’d say it looks like God is still punishing her and now she can’t blame me for it. I’m not even going to her funeral when she eventually dies or even go to the wake. She would often scream at me that she hated me so much that she didn’t want me to attend her funeral if she had died and I’m going to do that out of spite and not as a way to honor her wishes. I won’t be attending because I would refuse to go to give her one last metaphorical slap in the face to tell her she means absolutely nothing to me and I don’t need her or her approval anymore.