Do you feel left out when other people talk about their relationships?

[Aeolienne]

One of my colleagues has recently got engaged. Actually she's not really a colleague, as she moved to a different team within the office four months ago. However she's come to our corner of the floorplate at least three times and shared every detail of her wedding preparations. I sit with a group of women. I don't actually work with them directly, but one of the managers thought it would be better for me to sit with them than my actual team-mates. Most of my team-mates are male (in fact all those who work on the same site as me) so depending on whom I sit with I face a choice between overhearing conversations about football or overhearing conversations about the former colleague's wedding.

Speaking - or should I say writing - as someone who's only had one relationship in my entire life, between the ages of 37 and 40, I feel totally unable to contribute anything towards this wedding talk. And not for the first time I wonder what other women's secret is (as to how they've managed to end up in a relationship resulting in lifelong commitment), apart from the bleedin' obvious explanation that they're NT*. Seriously, is life for them like that Talking Heads song, mutatis mutandis ("You may find yourself in a beautiful house with a beautiful wife / And you may ask yourself, 'My God, how did I get here?'")!

I wonder if I should raise an objection and politely point out that not all women have been there and done that with regards to relationships. But knowing NTs and their foibles, I suspect that they'll just laugh at me and then have the gall to claim that they're showing sympathy. (Really? Sounds more like schadenfreude to me.)

* Which begs the question as to why other Aspie women aren't as affected as I am

 

[Lichi]

Raising objections won't work. I used to work with women, one was expecting, all had been through childbirth. That was the only subject they would talk around. When I brought it up I was labelled as an insensitive b****. I still managed to go and get promoted but I was shunned out from the females after that.

 

[Sherlock77]

As a male, in my 40's, who has never had children, raised children, been married or until recently never been in a relationship with a lady...

I have often felt left out in some conversations, as much of the conversation is about their families, and I have nothing to say, nothing at all...

I do understand that family is very important to those who have it, so I don't worry about it too much, but it's still not always easy

 

[SusanLR]

That's typical talk for NTs.
Relationships, marriage and children.
Seems to be their mainstay.
I never knew the desire for that way of life so I never
had any input either. I don't even try.
I would find it boring and nothing to relate to.
As a teen I remember 'get togethers' with families my
parents knew.
The main line of talk was who had a baby or got engaged
or married or died or had an operation!
I never joined in on this and I remember once a woman
came to me trying to get me to talk and asked if I had a boyfriend. Answer: No
Don't you ever want to get married? she asked.
Answer: No
You don't want children? alarmed now she asked.
Answer: No
She went to my Mom and said "Is she painfully shy or
is there something wrong with her?"

 

[Suzanne]

Well, I am an aspie ( ok, ok, on the route to hopefully being official) and I have been married 27 year's next month!

But nether the less, I find wedding talk to be utterly boring and often wonder if it is more about the bride than the man; he is just there to make her look good. My husband and I were married in a registery office and I wore a horrible dress and it was not a bridal gown. I had dreamed after of a "white" wedding, but in fact, honestly can't be bothered with it all now.

For me, it is talking about child birth and raising children. I am not a mother, but know that if I were, it would not be a topic I would favour.

A dear aspie friend of mine calls it: our male brain. Yet, when in company with chaps there days, they do like to separate themselves and thus widing the gap between the sexes.

 

[Propianotuner]

Raising objections won't work. I used to work with women, one was expecting, all had been through childbirth. That was the only subject they would talk around. When I brought it up I was labelled as an insensitive b****. I still managed to go and get promoted but I was shunned out from the females after that.

It really is ironic how clearly they were the ones being insensitive, incredibly insensitive, to think of making that remark. Considering how much they talk about it you'd imagine they would have some sort of regard for people who haven't had those experiences.

Do I feel left out? All the time. More than left out I feel inferior and like the experiences of virtually every adult around me make me an infant.

 

[Progster]

Conversations like that bore me rather than make me feel left out, because I'm not in the sligthtest bit interested in weddings, or football, I just tend to switch off and let my mind wander and not take part in the conversation.
There was an incident recently when I felt like that, when my partner and I, and another couple who he knows from his amateur theatre club, all went out to lunch. They spent the whole time discussing theatre matters, or gossiping about other members of the theatre group, and I felt really left out and ignored. I got fed up and angry and just got up and left. Actually, things like that happen to me all the time.

 

[Iamnotarabot]

I feel interested when my own friends talk about that, I mean, That's a logical goal to build a home and family.
But its true that for years iv felt a little ashamed somehow , because well iv tried to be like them but it never realy worked out.
Now I know I will have to do that at my own pace and dont feel ashamed anymore, and I appreciate that my friends talk about it. They are happy so that's great. But one day I am sure that I will be like " stop talking about it and make a kid for once xD."

My main focus is to be at peace with myself first and build something stable around me so I can maybe be in relationship later.

The hardest moment for me was in hightschool, I was delusionnal for months that I could be in couple with someone that was just a friend and it broke my heart (well broke me , but it was more the last nail in the coffin than the first time it happened).

And This year any other class mates, like realy all of them, were in couple , so realy it was difficult for me, the bitterness and anger and feling of rejection were realy hight.

 

[Mary Anne]

I have always found wedding talk, baby shower talk, etc all to be extremely boring. I have been to two showers in my life, and they were time wasters for me. I also hate the “lets show the engagement ring to everyone all around the office” bit. I always have to bite my tongue to stop from ranting about how diamonds are so wrong as a human and environmental destructive force. Diamonds and gold are just oh so wrong; those overblown societal ceremonies are wrong; and what a waste- as 50% of married people will wind up in messy divorce anyways. I am also against population growth, so weddings just tick the hell outta me as it seems to encourage the creation of families. Don’t even get me started.

So I usually smile, nod my head, and then walk away- as far as possible.

 

[Mattymatt]

One of my colleagues has recently got engaged. Actually she's not really a colleague, as she moved to a different team within the office four months ago. However she's come to our corner of the floorplate at least three times and shared every detail of her wedding preparations. I sit with a group of women. I don't actually work with them directly, but one of the managers thought it would be better for me to sit with them than my actual team-mates. Most of my team-mates are male (in fact all those who work on the same site as me) so depending on whom I sit with I face a choice between overhearing conversations about football or overhearing conversations about the former colleague's wedding.

Speaking - or should I say writing - as someone who's only had one relationship in my entire life, between the ages of 37 and 40, I feel totally unable to contribute anything towards this wedding talk. And not for the first time I wonder what other women's secret is (as to how they've managed to end up in a relationship resulting in lifelong commitment), apart from the bleedin' obvious explanation that they're NT*. Seriously, is life for them like that Talking Heads song, mutatis mutandis ("You may find yourself in a beautiful house with a beautiful wife / And you may ask yourself, 'My God, how did I get here?'")!

I wonder if I should raise an objection and politely point out that not all women have been there and done that with regards to relationships. But knowing NTs and their foibles, I suspect that they'll just laugh at me and then have the gall to claim that they're showing sympathy. (Really? Sounds more like schadenfreude to me.)

* Which begs the question as to why other Aspie women aren't as affected as I am

I used to feel somewhat left out but honestly not so much anymore. I found that if I feel happy for the other person's happiness then I don't feel as left out. Society places a stigma on single people. There are times when I miss being in a relationship but a relationship is a lot of hard work and it is tiring for me. The single life is actually okay and less stressful for me.

 

[Mattymatt]

I have always found wedding talk, baby shower talk, etc all to be extremely boring. I have been to two showers in my life, and they were time wasters for me. I also hate the “lets show the engagement ring to everyone all around the office” bit. I always have to bite my tongue to stop from ranting about how diamonds are so wrong as a human and environmental destructive force. Diamonds and gold are just oh so wrong; those overblown societal ceremonies are wrong; and what a waste- as 50% of married people will wind up in messy divorce anyways. I am also against population growth, so weddings just tick the hell outta me as it seems to encourage the creation of families. Don’t even get me started.

So I usually smile, nod my head, and then walk away- as far as possible.

Yes, it is rather tedious. It can get annoying when people parade their lives around and brag about what they have or what they're doing. Sadly, that's life in America. In America, if you're not in some kind of relationship, you're naturally somewhat ostracized.

 

[Lichi]

I believe that most NT women have a bigger need of validation. By bonding through these kind of conversations they get the validation of belonging to a group. They seem to bring up topics that they can bond over in all possible settings, whether or not appropriate. While I'm at work I like to focus on my work, which is why I'm there.

 

[Bella Pines]

I don't actually work with them directly, but one of the managers thought it would be better for me to sit with them than my actual team-mates. Most of my team-mates are male.

Does your manager sit in the 1970s? Women don't get segregated into the typing pool anymore, I would suggest you politely explain to him that you are an equal member of the team and will be sitting with them.

I wonder if I should raise an objection and politely point out that not all women have been there and done that with regards to relationships.

No no no no no. Inside voice, inside voice! You can fantasize about saying this but if it escapes your mouth, you know exactly what will happen

I feel totally unable to contribute anything towards this wedding talk.

No need. I find that NTs don't actively seek substance. Often the "nodding dog" response gets positive feedback. People planning weddings are often so absorbed in their own dramas, they can't handle any more input. Simply smile, nod, try and make all the right noises in all the right places and you'll be hailed as a wondrous and supportive friend.

 

[paloftoon]

Well in a big group of people, and societal "etiquette" "dictate" that one should not say anything bad about such matters that some people consider sacred as childbirth, having your period, wedding, other things that I can't think of, but you get the idea. If you feel there's an absolute need to say something, then do it 1-1. If you know it's not going to help though, then it's better not to say it. Otherwise it will be (unintentionally) insensitive of you to do so.

Maybe just best to walk away and say you're not feeling good when someone brings that topic up. Don't say why. Just say you don't feel good which is true. If someone asks you about it, just tell them you are already handling your concerns well and this is the way you must deal with them. No need to go into specifics. Not unless it's your best friend or a caring family- that's about it.

 

[Aeolienne]

I'm going to talk about weddings now, so flame me...

Apart from my neurotype, another reason why weddings are a bit of a closed book to me is that I haven't attended very many. When I was a child my extended family tended to favour nondescript registry office ceremonies so I never got to be a bridesmaid. That included my mother's two sisters, who married when I was 7 and 12 respectively. The first aunt didn't even invite any children to her evening reception, which was actually held at our house; I remember being tucked up in bed hearing the noise of the festivities from downstairs. It's possible that I may have misremembered it and that the only reason I wasn't involved was because I was feeling ill that day. Either way, I don't recall feeling deprived - I had no idea what to expect.

It wasn't until the age of 27 that I attended a white wedding in church. For me the most significant element of the ceremony was actually witnessing the couples make their vows. (Note to forum members outside the UK: it used to be the case that civil ceremonies could only be held in registry offices which typically had no space to accommodate more than the required three witnesses. At some point around the turn of the millennium the law was changed to allow "licensed premises" such as hotels to hold civil wedding ceremonies, thus turning civil ceromonies into more public affairs than the ones my relatives had.) Previously I had rather assumed that white weddings were only for royals or soap opera characters. The film Four Weddings and a Funeral was quite a revelation for me, in that it depicted people with no obvious religious affiliations or royal connections all getting married in church. I was utterly baffled by the denouement of that film, but that's a subject for another thread...

This lack of wedding experience in my formative years left me often unable to understand certain cultural references. For instance, when I was in Year 6 a rumour did the rounds that the janitor had proposed to one of the teachers. I had no idea what that meant! This must have been before I'd read Anne of Green Gables, where the subject of marriage proposals is one of the heroine's obsessions. Likewise when I read about a bride being "given away" in a Posy Simmonds strip cartoon I didn't understand what that meant. Actually I didn't understand the concept of being given away even after I'd had it explained to me, as in why a grown woman would want to be treated as her father's property. It's even more bizarre when you see women whose father is not available to perform the ritual choosing another male relative to do it - e.g. Victoria Coren was given away by her brother! Another thing I don't understand about wedding ceremonies is why the couple go through this spiel of repeating the lines after the priest / officiant - why don't they memorise their lines? We're not exactly dealing with Hamlet's soliloquy here, are we?!