Do you have a problem understanding advising with critisim

[Suzanne]

And can you accept criticism?

My husband is always saying that he is not criticizing me; just advising me, but no matter what, I see that he is criticizing me, which causes many arguments.

I go out of my way to not give a person the occasion to criticize me and when it happens, I just cannot cope and I feel that is because I sense it is unfair of them, but they are so sure they are right, that unless I punch them, I have to try and calm down!

I think it is because I do try to live my life as being a nice person and so, find it chronically hard to take, when I get put downs.

But saying that, my husband once, not so long ago, said that the trouble with me, is that I take everything literally and honestly, I sort of stopped dead and thought: do I?

Another is when I am excited, my voice raises and many times, I have had: hush Suzanne and it honestly CRUSHES me, because I am not a loud person at all but have faced facts that I am very zealous and so, could never understand this about me.

Finding out that I have aspergers, is just about amazing, but it does create its own issues, like: realising that you can only tell a few, because the majority of NT equate it alongside autism and well, they cannot understand the concept of this "normal" looking woman, being autistic and because I am soooo damn flipping sensitive, I cannot cope with this and so, will only tell those who have no choice but needing to know!

I suppose what I am asking is what IS THE DIFFERENCE between: criticism and giving advice?

 

[Progster]

I suppose the main difference between criticism and advice is the wording. Advice usually starts with "why don't you..." or "You should..." or "You could try this..." or something along those lines. Critiscism is usually "You're so..." or "Why do you always have to..." Or "Don't be so..." Or at least, that's how I would tell. There might also be nuances in the tone or voice that turn advice into criticism that I don't pick up on. Also, it's possible that someone might criticise and then try to soften it by saying that it was just advice.

I can take critisism if it is fair, if I feel that I'm being critisised unfairly, then I won't hesitate to say so. Feedback or constructive criticism is welcome, as long as it is fair.

 

[Ylva]

Unsolicited advice is criticism.

 

[Grumpy Cat]

And can you accept criticism?

My husband is always saying that he is not criticizing me; just advising me, but no matter what, I see that he is criticizing me, which causes many arguments.

I go out of my way to not give a person the occasion to criticize me and when it happens, I just cannot cope and I feel that is because I sense it is unfair of them, but they are so sure they are right, that unless I punch them, I have to try and calm down!

I think it is because I do try to live my life as being a nice person and so, find it chronically hard to take, when I get put downs.

But saying that, my husband once, not so long ago, said that the trouble with me, is that I take everything literally and honestly, I sort of stopped dead and thought: do I?

Another is when I am excited, my voice raises and many times, I have had: hush Suzanne and it honestly CRUSHES me, because I am not a loud person at all but have faced facts that I am very zealous and so, could never understand this about me.

Finding out that I have aspergers, is just about amazing, but it does create its own issues, like: realising that you can only tell a few, because the majority of NT equate it alongside autism and well, they cannot understand the concept of this "normal" looking woman, being autistic and because I am soooo damn flipping sensitive, I cannot cope with this and so, will only tell those who have no choice but needing to know!

I suppose what I am asking is what IS THE DIFFERENCE between: criticism and giving advice?

I always ask someone if they want advice before giving it. Most of the time they don't take my advice anyway.

Also, after reading a lot of things on Asperger's I really don't think of it the same as autism. I guess it would depend on where the person is at on the spectrum, but if they can hold down jobs and have a family, I pretty much think that the Asperger person just "thinks" differently. When I think of autism, it usually involves not being able to function in society very well and some even need to be placed in facilities.

 

[Amargo]

I will always ask if a person is open to suggestions, prior to giving advice of any kind, and, in most cases I will refrain, unless I am specifically 'asked' for advice, as I prefer the same from others. I have a relative who is extremely critical of my choices, and feels it is necessary to "advise" me to do things with my life, the way 'they' see fit, because, from their perspective, the outcomes of my choices will be of catastrophic proportions. The thing is; only I know what is truly best for myself (in most cases), just as he knows what will work best for him, personally. I think this behavior they possess is somewhat rude and disrespectful, however I try my best, not to become affected by it, by telling myself that the person is merely living in fear and feels the need to 'control' the situation (even while they have no personal connection with the situation) at hand. I used to personalize everything that they said to me, which gave me a sense of powerlessness and unease. Since changing my thoughts around, I am at peace within myself, when having to communicate with this (type of) person.

 

[113]

There is a difference between constructive criticism and destructive criticism.

If someone means well and offers a way to correct my behavior, then I eagerly welcome constructive criticism. It's the only way I can tell when I'm not acting reasonably.

If someone criticizes me in a way that doesn't explain how I can fix the problem (e.g., "you're stupid."), then I don't take it well.

Tone of voice and choice if words are also important.

There are ways to word things that reduce the chance of people getting defensive. One example is: "when you do x, it makes me feel y."

That way, the criticism is not a statement about a characteristic of the other person, but is mainly about the personal feelings of the speaker. It can prevent things from escalating.

I learned that in a class on interpersonal communication, and it generally seems to work well for me.

 

[AsheSkyler]

"Criticism" is the word people use when they want to ***** and complain about you or what you do or what you create, but throw up a flag that says you're not allowed to dispute it unless you want everybody going on about how petty, sensitive, and immature you are. I hate criticism. Critics are probably those mean kids on the playground that beat up other kids and take their lunch money, and say it's justified because they were simply informing them in the areas they needed to improve themselves like self defense. Same thing when some twerp launches a massive DDOS attack or hacks your email, they're simply criticizing your online security measures. Bloody noses, broken ribs, and spreading viruses and Trojans are healthy, after all!

This is my system:
- If I ask you for help, it is help, not criticism.
- If I'm drawing for you and you make a request for a change, it is just another tweak, not criticism.
- If you ask me a few questions, they are inquiries, not criticism.
- If we are friends with an established history where I know your motives, it's probably friendly advice or general conversation.
- If you pop up out of nowhere and start telling me how to run my life or draw my art, you're a jerk, and it's criticism. And you have serious control issues you need to go see a therapist about.

 

[wyverary]

When working with new people at work and I am showing them how to do things, or watching them as they are just starting to apply what they've learned, I am *incredibly* passive about it. Even if I do make a suggestion as to how might be a better way to go about it, I always end it with, "but really, whatever you think works best for you." Because that's the truth: whatever works best for you is, in my opinion, the best way, and I've been told things that go against what I believe is what "works best for me."

 

[DogwoodTree]

If I perceive rejection ("You're just not likeable") or condemnation ("You're crazy") from the person, it's destructive and, depending on who it came from, I might have a very hard time dealing with it. In this type of transaction, there's no freedom to "take it or leave it."

If I perceive humility in the other person, and a genuine concern for my well-being...genuinely wanting to contribute to my life in a productive, caring way...I actually prefer constructive criticism over compliments because I have such a hard time trusting compliments. In this type of transaction, there's freedom to be true to myself even if I disagree with the person.

 

[King_Oni]

I'll just say that giving criticism is a skill a lot of people have not mastered well.

I can accept criticism if it's justified and done properly (even if my narcissistic self will still think; why don't you get hit by a bus). But it's when people start criticizing something but don't have any good argument to bring to the table and just decide to criticize it for the sake of critizing it (and to me, that would be the real world version of trolling) is when it grinds my gears. Even if it's meant as a form of advise. Unless I'm asking for advise I don't know why you should actually bring something to the table and expect me to do something with it.

That; and I can pretty much agree on what AsheSkyler posted.

 

[epath13]

I've been thinking about it a lot... well, maybe not a lot... frequently enough. I felt as I was criticized all my life for almost everything I did. I was a constant improvement project for a lot of people. Every time I could I would nod and ignore everything they say, but in reality a lot of critical remarks (that may have, indeed, intended to be presented as an advice) did have a seed of truth in them. Sometimes I think, some people saw me (including my parents) like some sort of an aimless wondering creature with an empty head (not because I can't think of anything but because I refuse). In reality, it felt like there's a huge gap between my world and theirs. It was hard for me to respond to most things people advised or criticized me about without scripts. I had hard time negotiating, explaining and responding, that's why I just had to take it.
Now, another thing is, a lot of people have a very solid picture of the world and how things should be in it, so when something doesn't match their expectations they may, consciously or subconsciously, want to change it through criticism (or advice). I think the key here is not criticism itself but reaction to it, an ability to respond to it. Sometimes I tell people who criticize to back off, whether literally or by ignoring what they say. But I know, it's due to my desire to see my world unchanged. The logical part of me always looks for something useful in all the critical remarks, even if a person simply a troll and throws stuff at you for personal entertainment. I believe there's always a reason why, sometimes there's nothing to do in a situation and sometimes, even the most ridiculous statements can be surprisingly insightful.

 

[Harrison]

I have issues dealing with criticism, I feel that I drop into 'little boy being told off by an adult' mode. That puts me on the defensive which, if I don't diffuse it quickly, will deteriorate into me being vocal even if I know I'm wrong. This causes me more problems than any other part of being an aspie, it can drive me into meltdown very quickly.

 

[radasp]

The difference is intent: it sounds like your husband is informing you of behavior that you are not aware of. I wouldn't call that criticism unless he adds judgmental phrases such as, You embarrass me, I hate it when you do that, etc.

As an Asperger myself, I have had a see-saw type reaction to what people say: I either feel like I'm a terrible person, or that they are too critical. What has helped me the most is to watch how "normal" people behave - since they are the majority (99%) they assume that their view of things is correct and they expect conformity to social rules. That doesn't mean I'm wrong if I step over the line here and there (not illegal stuff) Try googling world cultures, many of which accept behavior Americans would not understand. Are those people all wrong? American culture is incredibly narrow, conformist and judgmental; it's hard to be an interesting person, let alone ASD.

So, this awareness that behavior depends on culture (remember, we live in a rude and aggressive culture) has helped me to be indifferent when people say things like, "You're strange." I am strange, and I own it. LOL

 

[Judge]

Let's just say that I would consider *constant* unsolicited advice from a significant other to be a "problem" for the relationship itself.

I think we can all use a "wingman" of sorts...but not a "minder".