Do you like being in charge, In control of others?

[epath13]

I'm exhausted, it was a busy day, chicken pox galore, posting seemed like an attractive way to relax.. anyway...

I noticed that in many cases when I was in charge things went smoother. By 'in charge" I mean, organize an event, people actions, tasks and finances. Sometimes I tend to let things spin out of control because I'm simply tired or bored but when I don't, everything goes beautifully. Some people seem to be born leaders, they are great at organizing and delegating without causing or escalating a conflict within a group, but it seems to be quite a rare quality. Also, some people are able to be in charge but only under certain circumstances.
I don't mind following directions of a good leader but I still find it easier to be in charge.

What about you?

 

[Nesspie]

I hate being in charge myself, and I'm also not very good at organising anything. I'm too awkward at being a host, so I don't really entertain or have parties at home.

Lately I feel more comfortable being in my own surroundings rather than going out to socialise, so I might wish to change that...:unsure:

 

[Arashi222]

I don't like being charge. I can do it if I have to but it stresses me greatly. I have actually had to ask my employer not to make me the only customer service manager around so that I just can work the self check out. Which is my fortee I can do that generally great. But I don't like needing go figure out breaks and and when people are leaving and when the lines back up. Its just too hard with my vision issues too. I hate being left in charge of people. Yah. Long story short.

Now back when I was in school. I hated group projects because I felt I always had to take charge and direct things and do most of it myself.

 

[King_Oni]

I can't stand NOT being in charge. It stresses me out a lot. I do have some severe authority issues, which is why I try to avoid being with people who can have some kind of authority over me. The times I ended up in those, it got from me not feeling fine about it into verbal arguments and even getting into fights; both in formal and informal settings. Most of the time I'll tell people "look, don't go alpha on me, cause I do not like it" but some people treat it way to lightly, and thus I end up repeating myself a few times before it's more of a problem.

However; most of the time I cannot muster the energy, nor the motivation to be in charge. I don't want to be in charge because it's my job for example. Chances are I'd do a terrible job... I don't care about "managing" other peoples situation, I just care about not "mismanaging" mine. Yes, that is egotistical, but me not in charge... I'll slow down a group significantly. Quite often I won't even understand instructions by someone who is in charge, and I need to make rules and procedures my own... can't really deal with "a set of rules".

With that however, the times I was in charge of for instance, projects back in university, I did a good job. My skills as a leader were quite ok, I could assess situations ok, hand out tasks and oversee planning really well, but still, it's a responsibility I don't want to have each day, every day. And in general if people don't go along with the group, it either demotivates me a lot or I'll kick them out. I feel that I need to have people that want to achieve goal X and not some people who just come in to troll other students in projectgroups.

Oh, and let's not forget that even if I were a projectleader, I'd usually have run ins with the schoolsystem itself. The plan I set up with what we needed to do, strongly conflicted with timetables and limitations school set us, yet mostly I was the first to think about that approach... that's also a thing. How much in command you are, there's probably always a bigger fish, and that's something I can deal with very, very badly. I also remember back when I held a job, I had a lot of meetings with a processengineer of the department asking me if I saw improvements in the productionflow on the floor. I came up with a lot of suggestions, but they also included looking into regulations and going over limitations of employees (ie. the tasks were much more complex, people didn't understand the instructions)... limitations if you're being in charge annoy me... ranging from intelectual capacities, physical restrictions, regulations, financial limitations, stuff like that... I need an open field with limitless options.

But in general I also found that while I'm not that much out and in your face, so to say, that I really do NOT mix with other alpha (fe)males.

With my girlfriend now, I usually take charge of a lot of stuff we do. She's usually a bit like "everything is fine with me" so I usually tell her what time we're going somewhere, suggest what's for dinner, stuff like that. But again, I don't know if I can deal with this on a daily basis. It's fine now, given I see her once every week/2 weeks.

There's some things that I just want MY way, otherwise there's no point in doing them. I wont get the same enjoyment out of it, and it annoys me more, which in that way does not really contribute to doing it. Yes, that might sound a bit like a little child who wants it HIS way, but there's things... I just can't enjoy them otherwise, and if the goal is enjoying something, better make it good then.

 

[epath13]

Thanks everybody for replying
I've just been thinking that I'm actually better at organizing other people and telling them what to do than at organizing myself and telling myself what to do As for authority issues, I've already decided in early childhood that no one is authority over me but sometimes I have to listen to the right people and follow their rules so my path can be smooth and free (or almost free) of serious obstacles I usually prefer being in a shadow and let others take charge as long as I don't care much about a situation or a project, but when it becomes important then I feel like I have to take over (which, I guess, is pretty normal).
I've been thinking if I could run a business with multiple employees and for long time I've thought I won't be able to, primarily because of my impulsivity and difficulties with handling conflicts. But I've learned a lot during the past few years and much more confident now, so I think if I get some training in business I could do it. At least I have the confidence in my ability The only major difficulty that I have is with ass kissing But I don't think that would be a problem with the type of quiet business I would like to run... well we'll see, maybe I'll learn it as well
even though, you know what, I don't think it's necessary and would be against my principles. I would have to learn how to be diplomatic instead, that's much better

I don't know... I've been under impression that it is sort of in Asperger's/ Autism description (well, at least in Asperger's) to wish things to be the way we want them to be, and not just wish, to be very passionate about it. But because of our deficiencies, over time, we tend to become less and less confident that we can make it so not just in our own little worlds but in a wider environment. So we become avoidant (like King_Oni has mentioned in his thread "A higher chance to develop PTSD like symptoms due to ASD?") due to insecurity (I don't mention other reasons here) and even more insecure due to avoidance. Maybe... this is how the "system" teaches us to behave: if you're insufficient (according to the "system") you should step aside, which plants a destructive message in our minds: the world is against us therefore we are against the world (each in his/ her own way)... So maybe more people on the spectrum should stand by fair equality, but unfortunately it will only work if that negative message is removed out of our minds so we can see and act without judgement just like we've been born to see and act.
Just a thought...

 

[King_Oni]

I don't know... I've been under impression that it is sort of in Asperger's/ Autism description (well, at least in Asperger's) to wish things to be the way we want them to be, and not just wish, to be very passionate about it. But because of our deficiencies, over time, we tend to become less and less confident that we can make it so not just in our own little worlds but in a wider environment. So we become avoidant (like King_Oni has mentioned in his thread "A higher chance to develop PTSD like symptoms due to ASD?") due to insecurity (I don't mention other reasons here) and even more insecure due to avoidance. Maybe... this is how the "system" teaches us to behave: if you're insufficient (according to the "system") you should step aside, which plants a destructive message in our minds: the world is against us therefore we are against the world (each in his/ her own way)... So maybe more people on the spectrum should stand by fair equality, but unfortunately it will only work if that negative message is removed out of our minds so we can see and act without judgement just like we've been born to see and act.
Just a thought...

Isn't this what people with each handicap deal with? If you're insufficient you should step aside. I can see how you take the "us vs. the world" thing though... but with that kinda comes the issue "what choice do I have?" (besides premature self-termination, to put it nicely). It's not as if I can move on to another "society" because I don't like these standards.

I general I live with a bit of a "don't do to other people what you don't want them to do to you"... but with that I'm avoidant up to the fact that I will try to not expose people to things I don't like being exposed to for instance. And that makes "my world" a really quiet and mellow place with no "agressive" alpha male attitude. No will takes initiative, but then again no one should have to. So it feels a bit like a standstill.

Thinking about the upper part of your post a bit, I don't think I could run a business with other people. I'm not commercially driven to run it on my own even, lol. With that comes that I hate money in general (and don't really like to spend it that much... still do though... but even tracking finances stresses me out; but that's another story). However, I do want to start a company of my own sometime if possible, preferably a non-profit thing that's art-related. By preference my art, but I could see it be a bit broader than that. Maybe if the stress factor of money in general isn't that prevalent when running non-profit, having a few people working with/for you would be less of a problem. Might be an idea even... employ some fellow aspies, granted they are qualified enough to do those tasks and such.

 

[Gomendosi]

My personal thought is that No, I don’t like being in charge of others, generally because;

I would like being in charge of others because I have some bright ideas and the ability to see things in a constructive way and that could be a benefit, but it all falls to pieces when nobody wants to be led.
This is usually the problem, either people know about your condition and doubt your abilities or they have a stronger social will and therefore you can’t maintain a grip on the scenario allowing someone to wrest control from you even if they don’t do anything with it when they get it, some people are just like that.
Alternatively if they don’t know about you condition, then part of the above still stands, but due to the fact you may be considered quirky or odd, well, nobody wants to be directed by someone they secretly consider to be a societal failure.
Generally speaking, there are people who are always looking for a way to undermine authority they don’t have and couldn’t handle even if they did, so it wouldn’t matter particularly if you weren’t Aspergical, just weak willed, the same would apply.
The real punch in the face comes when you try to assert authority or regain control you feel is slipping. Due to our very nature that is the time when being in charge or control of others is most likely to come undone.

Summarily, if people are respectful and respondent IE; professional, then no problem, otherwise I cant do it!

 

[epath13]

Isn't this what people with each handicap deal with? If you're insufficient you should step aside. I can see how you take the "us vs. the world" thing though... but with that kinda comes the issue "what choice do I have?" (besides premature self-termination, to put it nicely). It's not as if I can move on to another "society" because I don't like these standards.

I general I live with a bit of a "don't do to other people what you don't want them to do to you"... but with that I'm avoidant up to the fact that I will try to not expose people to things I don't like being exposed to for instance. And that makes "my world" a really quiet and mellow place with no "agressive" alpha male attitude. No will takes initiative, but then again no one should have to. So it feels a bit like a standstill.

Thinking about the upper part of your post a bit, I don't think I could run a business with other people. I'm not commercially driven to run it on my own even, lol. With that comes that I hate money in general (and don't really like to spend it that much... still do though... but even tracking finances stresses me out; but that's another story). However, I do want to start a company of my own sometime if possible, preferably a non-profit thing that's art-related. By preference my art, but I could see it be a bit broader than that. Maybe if the stress factor of money in general isn't that prevalent when running non-profit, having a few people working with/for you would be less of a problem. Might be an idea even... employ some fellow aspies, granted they are qualified enough to do those tasks and such.

Yeah, maybe I'm taking it a bit too far. I remember I've posted another thread with similar subject... I guess sometimes I think that if people with Autism don't step up, don't take matters in their own hand nothing will ever change...

but if talking about being in charge in general, I've noticed this tendency to step aside in many people on the spectrum. And it's understandable... maybe I'm a little too aggressive, in the end it's up to each and every individual to make choices... I'm thinking about my son right now (older one), when I was his age and facing many of the problems that he's facing, I wished to do something, to make changes but I felt nobody wanted to listen. When I talk to him about getting out there and figuring out how to make his life easier (in 6s years old terms as much as I can ) he doesn't feel motivated enough, he prefers escape. I guess all I have left, like it says in one of my friend's favorite quotes to "Be the change you wish to see in the world".

I hope you guys see the connection between my original subject and what I'm saying now

And non profit is pretty good idea when you're not motivated by money, even thought it's also a huge responsibility to carry on your shoulders, and you also have to be truly passionate about your organisation's goals.

 

[HelloDizzy]

I am a control freak. I prefer to be alone, so I can do what I want, the way I want; my friends were always followers because that's what I attracted. They needed me to be in charge, and they knew I didn't need or seek out friends at all, so everything naturally went well.

I do not, however, like to be the pants-wearer of a relationship. I want my way but I don't want to be met with no resistance.

 

[Kelly]

My personal thought is that No, I don?t like being in charge of others, generally because;

I would like being in charge of others because I have some bright ideas and the ability to see things in a constructive way and that could be a benefit, but it all falls to pieces when nobody wants to be led.
This is usually the problem, either people know about your condition and doubt your abilities or they have a stronger social will and therefore you can?t maintain a grip on the scenario allowing someone to wrest control from you even if they don?t do anything with it when they get it, some people are just like that.
Alternatively if they don?t know about you condition, then part of the above still stands, but due to the fact you may be considered quirky or odd, well, nobody wants to be directed by someone they secretly consider to be a societal failure.

This really.

I know I could organize people in an effective way, I'm very good at planning / organizing but I don't have good enough social skills to put that into effect. Few examples;

A few years ago I was on the comittee for the local playgroup, they have fundraising things all the time(quiz nights, fetes, etc) they are always a complete shambles and nobody ever goes to them. Anyway at the same time I joined up another mum did and we didn't know each other at all really. She came up with the idea of a pamper night and I offered to help her, there were a dozen others on the comittee as well as the playgroup staff(6 of them) but I was the only one who offered her real help. The others said they'd help in whatever way they could but I was the only one who took an active role. Between the two of us we managed to get several people to volunteer their time/equipment so we had a few manicurists, spray tan, etc and we also had 'psychics' 2 mediums, a palm reader and I forget what the other one was. We got local business' to donate prizes for a raffle, we got 25 stall holders (selling various crafts and beauty things) paying ?10 a stall. Between us we also managed to blag loads of free samples and things to go in some goodie bags (boxes of tea, incence sticks, cream samples, sweets etc), we had 100 to giveaway. We also got loads of baby/toddler supplies like wipes, food etc to make up baby/toddler hampers to sell. I made all the tickets, posters,flyers, we advertised everywhere we could it took a great deal of time and effort by the two of us, the others only helped out on the night. In the end we raised more on that one night then the playgroup had raised all year.

Then we had the idea of a ghost hunting night, so again we organised everything, posters, transport, getting the ghost hunter people to give us a massive discount (as well as the museum who offered us their premises). After all costs were taken out we still had nearly ?1000
raised. Then we had a retro disco night, I couldn't help out much with that as I had alot of family problems at the time (my husband had just had an accident and needed surgery and my grandmother was dying) so I just designed the posters and tickets.

Then we both had enough, nobody else was doing anything just turning up on the day/night to help out, we were panning/organizing everything and didn't get so much as a thanks in return. So we both pretty much left at that point. Now that it's left to the others it's back to things being poorly organized/advertised and as a result nobody goes to the fundraisers, just the usual group of parents and kids which hardly raises a thing.

To visually show you the difference here is a typical poster by me;
View attachment 2763

and here is one not done by me
View attachment 2764

and they wonder why nobody goes to these events anymore!

I planned my entire wedding, the only thing I didn't do was draw the cake design (my husband did that with my input) and my mum and her friends made a few table decorations. The night before the wedding I was ordering people about telling everyone who was doing what the next day, how fast I'd go down the aisle, who sat where etc etc.

It's the same with my daughter's birthday parties, nobody else is allowed to plan any of it, i do all of it and then I delegate jobs to people. Last year my husband was in charge of the kids, My mum and mother in law were on food duty, my dad and I were doing the decorating/setting up tables then once that was done I was on food (and taking pictures) and my dad was on the camcorder. I had everything planned to the last minute. Same this year I have everything sorted and the party isn't until the middle of next month, my parents can't make it this time but it's a much smaller party, last year we had 46 or so kids, this year we're having 14 and the entertainment will be looking after them all, I'll just be dishing up the food and decorating.

So depending on the event I like to be in charge, but I'm only confident enough to be in charge and order people about when it's those I'm comfortable with (so my family/in laws). Any other time/place and I don't like to be in control because I know I can't do it because of my social problems(and paranoia that people will think it's a stupid idea or I'm bossy etc etc).

 

[2010Dolby]

I've had to be the boss a few times. I hated it. I could order people around and dictate work just fine, but I knew that if my suboordinates screwed up then the owner would see it as I screwed up. It's to much pressure and anxiety. Everytime I told someone to do something I'd go check out how well he did it just from stress of failure.

 

[epath13]

This really.

I know I could organize people in an effective way, I'm very good at planning / organizing but I don't have good enough social skills to put that into effect. Few examples;

A few years ago I was on the comittee for the local playgroup, they have fundraising things all the time(quiz nights, fetes, etc) they are always a complete shambles and nobody ever goes to them. Anyway at the same time I joined up another mum did and we didn't know each other at all really. She came up with the idea of a pamper night and I offered to help her, there were a dozen others on the comittee as well as the playgroup staff(6 of them) but I was the only one who offered her real help. The others said they'd help in whatever way they could but I was the only one who took an active role. Between the two of us we managed to get several people to volunteer their time/equipment so we had a few manicurists, spray tan, etc and we also had 'psychics' 2 mediums, a palm reader and I forget what the other one was. We got local business' to donate prizes for a raffle, we got 25 stall holders (selling various crafts and beauty things) paying ?10 a stall. Between us we also managed to blag loads of free samples and things to go in some goodie bags (boxes of tea, incence sticks, cream samples, sweets etc), we had 100 to giveaway. We also got loads of baby/toddler supplies like wipes, food etc to make up baby/toddler hampers to sell. I made all the tickets, posters,flyers, we advertised everywhere we could it took a great deal of time and effort by the two of us, the others only helped out on the night. In the end we raised more on that one night then the playgroup had raised all year.

Then we had the idea of a ghost hunting night, so again we organised everything, posters, transport, getting the ghost hunter people to give us a massive discount (as well as the museum who offered us their premises). After all costs were taken out we still had nearly ?1000
raised. Then we had a retro disco night, I couldn't help out much with that as I had alot of family problems at the time (my husband had just had an accident and needed surgery and my grandmother was dying) so I just designed the posters and tickets.

Then we both had enough, nobody else was doing anything just turning up on the day/night to help out, we were panning/organizing everything and didn't get so much as a thanks in return. So we both pretty much left at that point. Now that it's left to the others it's back to things being poorly organized/advertised and as a result nobody goes to the fundraisers, just the usual group of parents and kids which hardly raises a thing.

To visually show you the difference here is a typical poster by me;
View attachment 2763

Nice poster. When is your daughter going to regular school? Do UK schools have PTA? I think if they do, you would be perfect for it. And sometimes if things are not done the way you think they should be done you might want to do it yourself, even though in many cases it requires lots of energy and enthusiasm

I've had to be the boss a few times. I hated it. I could order people around and dictate work just fine, but I knew that if my suboordinates screwed up then the owner would see it as I screwed up. It's to much pressure and anxiety. Everytime I told someone to do something I'd go check out how well he did it just from stress of failure.

I understand what it must have felt, but I think it's pretty much normal to check up on workers from time to time to make sure everything is done properly, especially when you've never worked with them or been in the management (or however you want to call it) before. It does make it easier when you have no personal relationships with the workers though but I guess, in a way, even if you do have personal relationships, being a boss it's sort of like being a parent, sometimes you have to show your "kids" some discipline. Even though when your workers, employees, subordinates are older or the same age, that could be tough it does require quite a bit of confidence and healthy self esteem from a boss...

 

[Kelly]

Nice poster. When is your daughter going to regular school? Do UK schools have PTA? I think if they do, you would be perfect for it. And sometimes if things are not done the way you think they should be done you might want to do it yourself, even though in many cases it requires lots of energy and enthusiasm

Thanks My daughter has been at school since she was 4 (she's almost 7). I didn't join up for the playgroup committee until after she left, it was at her leaving disco they had a leaflet with comments/suggestions and I said they could do with a real website instead of a blog and I'd be more then happy to do it for them for free. One of them approached me at the end of the disco and asked if I could come to their next meeting and discuss what I could do for them and it just went from there really.

I hated going to the meetings, they were always around someone's house and I had to sit in a room with a dozen strangers and pluck up the courage to speak up about my ideas for the website. Every 2 weeks they had meetings and after a few months I couldn't take it anymore so I'd make excuses up every so often so I didn't have to go, it was just too much of a drain. They also kept trying to get me to run stalls or help out with certain things that involved alot of interaction with the public that I just wasn't up to doing(I had a hard enough time doing the photos with santa/halloween scene photos), so it was a relief when they stopped asking me to help with that kind of thing. I still offered to do posters etc but they stopped contacting me and just did it themselves with the rubbish results as seen above. It's all left me with a bad feeling towards that kind of thing so i really couldn't cope with being on the PTA. The types of people on those sorts of things(in my experience) are always pushy, extrovert in your face annoying snobs and I'd rather not have that stress in my life again.

I do my bit for the school by sending in old books/toys etc for them to sell when they have jumble sales or when it's a cake sale I bake lots and lots of cakes/cookies for them to sell. My husband helps out alot by volunteering for school trips and he reads with the children 2 days a week too.

 

[epath13]

Thanks My daughter has been at school since she was 4 (she's almost 7). I didn't join up for the playgroup committee until after she left, it was at her leaving disco they had a leaflet with comments/suggestions and I said they could do with a real website instead of a blog and I'd be more then happy to do it for them for free. One of them approached me at the end of the disco and asked if I could come to their next meeting and discuss what I could do for them and it just went from there really.

I hated going to the meetings, they were always around someone's house and I had to sit in a room with a dozen strangers and pluck up the courage to speak up about my ideas for the website. Every 2 weeks they had meetings and after a few months I couldn't take it anymore so I'd make excuses up every so often so I didn't have to go, it was just too much of a drain. They also kept trying to get me to run stalls or help out with certain things that involved alot of interaction with the public that I just wasn't up to doing(I had a hard enough time doing the photos with santa/halloween scene photos), so it was a relief when they stopped asking me to help with that kind of thing. I still offered to do posters etc but they stopped contacting me and just did it themselves with the rubbish results as seen above. It's all left me with a bad feeling towards that kind of thing so i really couldn't cope with being on the PTA. The types of people on those sorts of things(in my experience) are always pushy, extrovert in your face annoying snobs and I'd rather not have that stress in my life again.

I do my bit for the school by sending in old books/toys etc for them to sell when they have jumble sales or when it's a cake sale I bake lots and lots of cakes/cookies for them to sell. My husband helps out alot by volunteering for school trips and he reads with the children 2 days a week too.

Oh, yeah, I understand. That can be draining. I have issues with socializing as well but it's much easier and much less draining when I don't have to work on a project that somebody else manages. I think one of the reasons (besides misinterpretation of directions, slow thinking process, communication challenges) is lack of motivation. Sometimes I saw things I didn't like but according to the boss everything was fine and I had hard time dealing with that. There're people who are great at navigating around leaders like that, and they're the ones who move forward or get promoted. It often pissed me off that I couldn't change my mindset and be like that but later on I decided maybe I should try to choose another path... Well, hopefully I can walk another path successfully as for PTA, when my older son went to preschool for the 1st time I thought about joining PTA, people were nice there but I just didn't feel like it. The school was closed in a year, my son went to kindergarten. Now my younger son is in preschool, and even though I think it's great that our school still exists, I don't want to join their PTA. The only reason for all the events is to gather money, and I think that stuff they're gathering money for is not worth an effort. So basically I decided I need to concentrate on my life and lives of my family members rather than on somebody elses ideas that I don't believe in

 

[Kelly]

So basically I decided I need to concentrate on my life and lives of my family members rather than on somebody elses ideas that I don't believe in

That's exactly how I feel

So far in this school year (school starts in September ends in July) we've had to fork out for 3 school trips (she has another 2 coming up), a sponsored bounce, 4 cake sales, 2 book sales, a christmas fayre, the summer fayre is coming up, everytime there is an assembly we can go into they have a 'collection'(although that one is usually for a school they sponsor in africa). There was a christmas disco (summer disco will be end of july), we've had to pay for supplies/ special guests for themed days.

I thought it was extremely rude of them to ask for ?9.50 per child for a trip to a really rubbish 'folk' museum, I looked it up and the museum is free entry so then I priced up the cost of a coach and it does not work out to ?9.50 a head (it was less then half that price), not to mention they asked for parents to volunteer their time to help take the kids...so what was the money spent on?! They also have lunchtime clubs like french, cookery, crafts etc all of which you have to pay for but are run voluntarily by some of the teachers.

They never really have any new/interesting fundraisers, it's always the same old things which is a shame as I know alot of the kids get fedup with the same old stuff. My daughter and some of the others in her class were the ones who came up with the idea of a book sale, kids donate their old books they don't want anymore, sell them on to other kids and the proceeds buy new books for the school library. It was a huge success because it was new and exciting and they raised alot of money but no doubt they'll run that idea in to the ground by having it every couple of months.

The annoying part is I've yet to see where all the money goes, she's been there for nearly 3 years now and we've been to / paid for many things but I don't see where it's going (apart from the actual school trips).

 

[Jessica]

Well I'm in a constant battle with myself when it comes to making decisions and planning things.

I hate it when things don't go the way I want them to, it freaks me out unbelievably. However I'm also really unorganized and lazy, I can't figure out if it stresses me out more planning something or letting something go wrong. I guess that's why I avoid everything, I end up being a right pain in the neck if I get involved with anything so I just don't bother unless I really have to.