Do you need an incentive to go somewhere?

[King_Oni]

So I'm actually wondering, because it is said that people on the spectrum have a different way with social skills... I'm kinda wondering and stuck with the following;

If any of you socialize/go out, why do you do it? Is it because you have to?

The reason why I am curious is moreso, because I actually want to get out, but don't really feel that "just going outside, for the sake of going outside". I need a valid couple of reasons why I should go anywhere... and "just because I feel like it" doesn't cut it. I could take the train to some place... I did it before, and when I left the station I looked around and told myself "ok, now what?". I don't have the interest in just browsing stores. It's not that I don't like shopping... I actually do, but it's more like... "was this really worth my the trainticket?" I might come across as really... well, for lack of a better word, anal, if I make a fuss about spending 2 bucks on a trainticket and not having a worthwhile time. I could spend hours and hours thinking about "why do I need to go there?" but in the end it's just me thinking it over and over again, and the day passes by and haven't done a thing... physical. I can't just hop onboard and see where it goes...

It's the same with social convention. It's not that I don't care about how someone is doing, but I find that a really, really bad incentive to start a conversation. It makes me "anti-social" apparently, to not just act out of some kind of stupid impulse without placing thought on the why those actions are called for.

Along the lines, It's not even, only social stuff... but "doing something" in general. I don't like running to the supermarket just for a carton of milk. I'd just suck it up and not crave milk until I actually go to the store... no problem with that. I've had times where my fridge was empty for 2 days, and I ate nothing for about a straight day, just because I felt, that "only going outside for groceries" isn't a valid reason.

But yeah, socialising is a different bunch I guess. Because it's not even that I'm going there with my eyes on a target, like shopping (which is more my style though; load up the cart in 3 minutes and pretty much run through the supermarket, or any other store) but with socialising... "how does one socialize?". If I just went outside, there's a slim chance I run into people I know. And if I don't run into those people, then what? Do I talk to random strangers? And if so, about what? I wouldn't like it, if people just came up to me, and started asking me all kinds of questions either. So even if you intend to go out for social reasons, it's not that you actually do meet up with people for your purpose. To make it even more "absurd"... you could just as well, phone those people to meet up... but you could also just talk to them on the phone.

It's funny how a forum works differently, as there's strangers as well. But I guess, that's just like the forums of ancient times. I don't even consider people on forums "strangers" I guess. Well, technically, they are. I don't really want to get into semantics right now...

Somehow I think this post looks kinda "depressing"... but actually, it's half as bad. I'm quite content with my life most of the time, it's just stuff like this, that annoys the hell out of me. Mind you, I've gotten a therapist here and there mad, up to the point where he'd just state "I can't help you", because I actually asked him the entire "why?" deal, I just described.

But... anyone? Why do you go out? Do you just go out for "a reason". Do you expect something if you go out/talk to people?

 

[LgndKllr24]

I have a tendency sometimes to just go places for the sake of doing it, not for any specific reason. When I go places though, it's never to socialize. I've never really been big on going places to talk to people. Mostly, I enjoy going to places such as parks, and other natural places. When I lived in my previous apartment, there was a large park that was within walking distance. On the weekends, my wife and I used to go for walks in the park very frequently. I guess it was partly for exercise, but mostly it was just because I enjoy being outside, at least when the weather is nice. I actually really like going for walks in general. I guess it does serve a purpose though because I get a chance to clear my head and get refreshed. I've noticed I feel really good for the rest of the day after going outside for a walk in the morning.

 

[kasmanaft08]

About 99% of the time I need an incentive to go somewhere. But how vague or logical that incentive is depends on the situation.

I guess it goes without saying that my social skills are subpar, so if it's with friends we need some sort of end goal. Some sort of purpose of why we're hanging out. Otherwise I guess really anxious and quiet, and I'm not sure what I'm supposed to be doing or talking about or when I can appropriately leave. Movie, game, sightseeing, shopping, something. They all have clear end points, and clear topics, even if we never fully experience them or talk about them. But if gives me a solid base and outline. This is part of the reason why I'm uncomfortable at parties- I'm not sure what I should be doing or when I can leave.

I never understood people who just came over to hang out. Or have you meet them somewhere and then figure out a plan. I guess I'm not spontaneous that way. But I like to know at least what direction we're going, even if that's not clear. It's like when people call you without a purpose in the call, besides the hope that you'll to cure their boredom.

I'll give an example. Something my boyfriend does that absolutely drives me insane (although he is, by no means, alone in this).

Sometimes we'll meet somewhere. Since we usually eat right after, he'll start walking off in a certain direction, assuming I'll eventually pipe up with a plan. So I follow him. And it will take me about 10-15 minutes to realize that he has absolutely no purpose in his walking. So I suggest we sit down and decide where we want to eat. He doesn't know but thinks we should wander until we find something. So another 15 minutes pass etc etc. This usually continues until I get pissed off.

Travel is equally frustrating. I usually want plan everything in the hotel before we leave (at least have a general/vague time scale and direction, takes about a two minute discussion), but everyone thinks its ridiculous and that's "not relaxing". So I get laughed at and kicked out the door so we're left wandering around and late to everything.

That's the sort of thing I like to avoid. It drives me crazy, it's a waste of time, and I can't enjoy anything about it while I'm stressed out over not knowing what's going on. I know people just the spontaneity and talking during the trip etc, but I can't think of anything or talk about anything else except where am I going-what's happening.

When I'm alone my incentives are a bit looser. I'm not worried about the social part or chit chat or entertainment. I'm more relaxed. But there's still a vague goal, like walk down this street and return, go shopping/eat until 5, etc. I find walking by myself, for the sake of just walking alone, relaxing. But I always have a routine with it, a certain path and still an incentive- which is to clear my head and have alone time.

 

[epath13]

Nowadays I always have some sort of a reason that I can't really avoid. When I was single and didn't really have any responsibilities I did have to come up with a reason for every single situation if I couldn't I just stayed at home alone doing nothing. I wasn't really interested in talking to people, because I felt I had to pretend being normal all the time. Nowadays it's different, I'm just being me and enjoy communicating with people more. I didn't really like being stuck in the house, but like you, I needed to have a reason to get out. Sometimes taking pictures was a good enough reason for me, or looking for some book or something. As for communicating, sometimes I would go to visit someone only with a bottle of wine and chocolate because otherwise it would be unbearable but most of the time I was looking for a date or some exciting experience. I had a couple of friends, I visited them at work pretty often, we would just talk about something stupid and laugh, that was a good reason for me as well. But then again I was in my 20s...it probably would be different now. There's a few subjects I like talking about, and if people are willing to do that it could be a good reason to meet them. Today I'm meeting a woman who was my son's social worker. I just felt it's a nice gesture to invite her and talk for a bit. She considers herself my friend so.... so yea, I pretty much have to have a good reason for everything even though I'm trying to change my disposition a little.

 

[Occasional_Demon]

In terms of going out for socialising, I don't need much of an incentive - just the idea of catching up with my friends is incentive enough. I guess I'm a little different from the stereotype of someone on the spectrum because I do enjoy interacting with other people. The actual way I interact with people might be a bit odd, but thankfully no-one in my circle seems to mind. They find me "fun". I do have a bit of a problem initially interacting with people I don't know. I'm civil [I think] towards them but I don't really know what to do with them [plus I do find their presence a bit anxiety-provoking], but given some time, I chill out.

As for going out of the house for anything else - yes, I do need a reason. I don't really step outside my room, much less the door, unless there is a goal in mind.

 

[Kollide]

I seem to find it hard to just go for a walk or something for the sake of just going for a walk, usually. Normally if I want to go out for a walk or something lately it'll have to be for a reason - even if it's just to buy some cigarettes, booze, rizlas - whatever. For a while when I was doing well for myself I'd go out with my guitar to busk, but if something goes wrong or something isn't how I expect it to be (for example, when I'd often busk in town, if my spot was taken it would make me feel kind of anxious and aimless and I wouldn't know what to do and it would basically spark off a bit of anxiety in me). I like things to go as planned I guess, I'm similar to kasmanaft08 in that I like to know what's going to happen if I'm going somewhere usually. I seem to change though, and I think overall I've changed, returning back to my spontaneous roots where I find it easier to just go with the flow. But generally, yes, I do prefer to have an incentive and some sort of plan if I'm to go somewhere.

 

[Geordie]

My only incentive is my career development

 

[kasmanaft08]

I seem to find it hard to just go for a walk or something for the sake of just going for a walk, usually. Normally if I want to go out for a walk or something lately it'll have to be for a reason - even if it's just to buy some cigarettes, booze, rizlas - whatever. For a while when I was doing well for myself I'd go out with my guitar to busk, but if something goes wrong or something isn't how I expect it to be (for example, when I'd often busk in town, if my spot was taken it would make me feel kind of anxious and aimless and I wouldn't know what to do and it would basically spark off a bit of anxiety in me). I like things to go as planned I guess, I'm similar to kasmanaft08 in that I like to know what's going to happen if I'm going somewhere usually. I seem to change though, and I think overall I've changed, returning back to my spontaneous roots where I find it easier to just go with the flow. But generally, yes, I do prefer to have an incentive and some sort of plan if I'm to go somewhere.

Actually I think I know what you mean about the spot thing...

I get really anxious if I'm on a train and it's suddenly crowded, particuarly if I have to sit next to a stranger out of nowhere (or basically anywhere I've developed a "spot")...or if I go to a store and they're out of something I went in for. It totally catches me off guard and I wander around like a circle for about fifteen minutes.

Sometimes I'll leave a store or place, and unless I know exactly where I'm going I'll be completely disoriented and anxious for a moment until I find a "safe" spot. Leaving without some vague plan at least drives me crazy.

 

[Kollide]

Actually I think I know what you mean about the spot thing...

I get really anxious if I'm on a train and it's suddenly crowded, particuarly if I have to sit next to a stranger out of nowhere (or basically anywhere I've developed a "spot")...or if I go to a store and they're out of something I went in for. It totally catches me off guard and I wander around like a circle for about fifteen minutes.

Sometimes I'll leave a store or place, and unless I know exactly where I'm going I'll be completely disoriented and anxious for a moment until I find a "safe" spot. Leaving without some vague plan at least drives me crazy.

Exactly, I hate 'change' and not having an order of where I'm going/what I'm doing when out. I like how you wrote, "It totally catches me off guard and I wander around like a circle for about fifteen minutes." haha, as circles do tend to wander around .

 

[King_Oni]

Exactly, I hate 'change' and not having an order of where I'm going/what I'm doing when out. I like how you wrote, "It totally catches me off guard and I wander around like a circle for about fifteen minutes." haha, as circles do tend to wander around .

Do I come across as paranoid if I make up shopping lists which have an actually written alternative if they don't have the one I want? Heck... it's even if my mom asks me to bring this or that from the store. "What if they don't have any of that brand? Do you have a 2nd in line? Or do I just bring nothing if they dont?" To me this sounds reasonable, I've heard people tell me it's quite well.. "clever" as I'm rarely be caught off guard that way. I usually have a weird diagram kinda thing going on in my head that consists of brands and flavours which I might cross-match if all else fails. But I either have them written down or thought through before I leave the house.

Apparently I also work quite around a bit of some situations, where I go to stores to see they ran out of product x or y. I usually hit supermarkets at 8;30 in the morning or so. They have just restocked anything and best of all, around here I'm usually the only guy in, thus I'm done in 5 minutes including check out.It's efficient in my opinion. However, it's stuff not everyone can do, especially if you have a job and all. Or just have a normal "daytime" thing going on. I'm usually still awake from the last night at 8:30 in the morning... (I also look like a total dopefiend if I go out with shades in the morning, lol... it also makes the clerks really uncomfy if I say nothing and have my shades on and pay my food. Only thing I sometimes say is "yes" if they ask if I want the receipt)

As for spots, I have some spots I rather not sit, any place else is fine usually. I might also be one of the lucky ones that gets on board of trains most of the time at a first station of the line and I'm quite a big guy (and apparently to some, quite scary as well, lol), I've had people rather just stand than sit next to me. I literally had to tell people "want me to take this bag off the seat so you can sit next to me?" where people anxiously nodded.

 

[butterfly2]

Yes i do need a reason to go out of the house otherwise to me its no use going out for no reason. Or just going out lokking around the shops and spending money you dont have and walking around aimlessly on my own always i find boring and a bit depressing. But if ive been in the house continuously for a few days with no fresh air then i think of a reason to go out like to the library and to post a letter maybe!

 

[2010Dolby]

In a way I do. The incentive depends on how popular the friends are that I'm going to be hanging out with and what we're going to be doing but yea.

 

[NeverEnder]

Yes. I never leave the house unless I have to, which is rarely.

 

[Droopy]

Usually I would need an incentive or reason to go somewhere but there has also been times were I would just go out for the sake of it. The way I see it, I would rather be outside doing something to bypass the time than be indoors doing the same boring routine, usually involving my computer and bedroom. I feel that there is more freedom outdoors and if I'm really ambitious, a whole world to explore.

Recently, the MTV European Music Awards were being held in my home city of Belfast. There was a big incentive to go down there because I love cities, there was a chance of seeing some celebrities, I could take some photographs and also walk about in the fresh air. If I didn't go I would just be sitting in my bedroom on the computer like I do every day. I also knew that this event was a one-off so there was even more reason to go. Surprisingly, I went down to Belfast via the train by myself as I couldn't get anyone else to go with me. Even more surprising for me, I rang for a taxi which required that I speak to a complete stranger on the phone. Most people that know me are aware of my fear of speaking on the phone - especially to strangers. There were big crowds in the city and it was night time, but I handled it pretty well.

So to recap: Usually I need a reason to go somewhere, but there can be times when I would just go out for the sake of getting outside the house for a while.

 

[WildCat]

Most of the time, yes. I'm not a complete hermit by any means - I do make exceptions for necessities like grocery shopping or washing clothes or whatever, but I usually avoid anything that can be considered casual or leisure. Something like a trip to the city park that's 10 miles away, for example. I can't be talked into just going somewhere for the sake of going somewhere and in the rare moment I do, I get this sudden feeling of awkwardness and a desire to just leave.

Worse, I cannot do anything social beyond my immediate "circle" of family and friends - I went to a (former) co-worker's party but that's been the only exception. I don't deal well in group settings where a certain level of social competence is required, even if it was booze fueled that night and I was...well, drunk, I still didn't feel comfortable at all. I could probably do that with you guys but I fear the feelings may be mutual

 

[2010Dolby]

I don't deal well in group settings where a certain level of social competence is required, even if it was booze fueled that night and I was...well, drunk, I still didn't feel comfortable at all.

Really? I always find it much easier to loosen up and be more outgoing when I'm drunk. When you drink to you become more dettached? I know a few people like that

 

[Droopy]

Really? I always find it much easier to loosen up and be more outgoing when I'm drunk.

I usually find that a few drinks loosens me up a bit and reduces anxiety, helping me to socialize.

 

[kasmanaft08]

I used to go to co worker's parties, I always found them kind of awkward. I really had no interest in going, I just went because I felt obligated to...but eventually quit. Unless I'm with a small group of people I'm close to, I really feel anxious and uncomfortable the whole time and just sit and think about when it's appropriate for me to leave, whether I'm drunk or not. Being drunk helps, maybe, but not by much in a big setting...only if I'm with a single person or small group.

 

[Streetwise]

So I'm actually wondering, because it is said that people on the spectrum have a different way with social skills... I'm kinda wondering and stuck with the following;

If any of you socialize/go out, why do you do it? Is it because you have to?

The reason why I am curious is moreso, because I actually want to get out, but don't really feel that "just going outside, for the sake of going outside". I need a valid couple of reasons why I should go anywhere... and "just because I feel like it" doesn't cut it. I could take the train to some place... I did it before, and when I left the station I looked around and told myself "ok, now what?". I don't have the interest in just browsing stores. It's not that I don't like shopping... I actually do, but it's more like... "was this really worth my the trainticket?" I might come across as really... well, for lack of a better word, anal, if I make a fuss about spending 2 bucks on a trainticket and not having a worthwhile time. I could spend hours and hours thinking about "why do I need to go there?" but in the end it's just me thinking it over and over again, and the day passes by and haven't done a thing... physical. I can't just hop onboard and see where it goes...

It's the same with social convention. It's not that I don't care about how someone is doing, but I find that a really, really bad incentive to start a conversation. It makes me "anti-social" apparently, to not just act out of some kind of stupid impulse without placing thought on the why those actions are called for.

Along the lines, It's not even, only social stuff... but "doing something" in general. I don't like running to the supermarket just for a carton of milk. I'd just suck it up and not crave milk until I actually go to the store... no problem with that. I've had times where my fridge was empty for 2 days, and I ate nothing for about a straight day, just because I felt, that "only going outside for groceries" isn't a valid reason.

But yeah, socialising is a different bunch I guess. Because it's not even that I'm going there with my eyes on a target, like shopping (which is more my style though; load up the cart in 3 minutes and pretty much run through the supermarket, or any other store) but with socialising... "how does one socialize?". If I just went outside, there's a slim chance I run into people I know. And if I don't run into those people, then what? Do I talk to random strangers? And if so, about what? I wouldn't like it, if people just came up to me, and started asking me all kinds of questions either. So even if you intend to go out for social reasons, it's not that you actually do meet up with people for your purpose. To make it even more "absurd"... you could just as well, phone those people to meet up... but you could also just talk to them on the phone.

It's funny how a forum works differently, as there's strangers as well. But I guess, that's just like the forums of ancient times. I don't even consider people on forums "strangers" I guess. Well, technically, they are. I don't really want to get into semantics right now...

Somehow I think this post looks kinda "depressing"... but actually, it's half as bad. I'm quite content with my life most of the time, it's just stuff like this, that annoys the hell out of me. Mind you, I've gotten a therapist here and there mad, up to the point where he'd just state "I can't help you", because I actually asked him the entire "why?" deal, I just described.

But... anyone? Why do you go out? Do you just go out for "a reason". Do you expect something if you go out/talk to people?

Each time is what it is,very rarely to chat,more to feel i'll avoid being the subject of the authorities manipulation 1,so going to the bin and garden maintenance or to not hyperventilate